“It takes me at least ten.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t last night. Come here.”
“No way,” she said, and swatted my hand away. “If I do that, you’re going to kiss me.”
I grinned. “I definitely am. And do other things.”
“Must be strong,” she said more to herself than to me. With her clothes in a jumble, she retreated to the bathroom. Next to me on the bedside table, a phone buzzed. Courtney’s. “Hey, Court, your phone is talking to me!” No answer. Moments later it buzzed again. I didn’t want to be nosy, but I couldn’t help myself. I picked up the phone and glanced at the readout. It was from someone named Jonathan. Wasn’t he the CEO?
I know you’re enjoying yourself in that little town, but I need to pull you back to Chicago ASAP. CALL ME.
The bathroom door clicked open and I dropped the phone like a hot potato. I was flooded with guilt for having looked at the text, and dread at what it told me. Courtney emerged and stared at me questioningly. “You look like you forgot to study for a test.”
I shook myself out of it. “No. Just got lost in my own thoughts.”
She came and sat on the bed next to me. She’d pulled her hair up, and it looked so pretty. “Thank you for last night.” I nodded and accepted the gentle kiss she placed on my lips. At the same time, my stomach churned. The wind had changed, and the little fantasy world I’d created for myself over the past few weeks would soon vanish. I’d be left with nothing, a familiar story. She retrieved her phone and slipped it into her bag, heading for the door.
“Have a good day at work,” I said softly.
She smiled at me over her shoulder, and my chest ached because she was looking at me differently now. Heart-stoppingly different. Her guard was down and she was letting me in. “It’s certainly off to a good start. I’ll call you later.”
“Great.”
Alone in my bedroom, I went about getting ready for the day, my heart exposed. I felt vulnerable, sad, and terrified. It took everything I had to put one foot in front of the other to get myself to the office.
Once there, I kept busy as best I could, walled myself up in a stack of annoying paperwork I’d put off. Today, it was a solace. All the while, my thoughts zigzagged and tugged. I hadn’t meant for things to go this far with Courtney. I knew Courtney hadn’t either. Regardless, our comingled best intentions had flown right out the window with the night we’d just shared. It had been telling, each moment.
The way we’d touched each other with such tenderness.
The way Courtney had looked at me, deep in the throes.
The way my heart yearned.
Berta had been right all along. She’d known exactly where this was heading and had tried to warn me. I loved Courtney. But it didn’t matter. She would leave, I would let her, and life would resume as it had been. It wasn’t going to happen for us.
I would have to settle for what time we had left, for right now.
It felt sickeningly familiar.
*
The porch light glowed in front of the rental even though it wasn’t yet dark out. I’d waited until I knew Courtney would be finished with work for the day before stopping by. She’d been noticeably silent today. I knew why. She was leaving, and the little bubble we’d created for ourselves was no more.
I made my way to her front door, but she opened it before I could knock.
“Maggie.” She was still dressed for work and seemed out of breath, as if she were in a hurry. Her mouth was tight, and her eyes carried sorrow. But then her gaze softened and she took my hand. “Hey, come in. I didn’t know you were coming over.”
“Sorry I didn’t call.” Her bedroom door was open and I caught the open suitcase on the bed. My heart twisted at the confirmation. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
She followed my gaze to the suitcase. “I was going to call you.”
“Now you don’t have to.”
She nodded solemnly.
Our eyes connected, but she felt a million miles away. She was already gone, and the pain slashed through my chest, razor sharp. “How soon do you have to go?”
“I’m on the eight o’clock flight.”
I closed my eyes briefly against the news. “Must be a department store emergency.”
She lifted a hand in explanation. “There’s some shuffling on the board. I need to be there.”
We spoke at the same time.
“Maggie, I just—”
“I suppose we should—”
We smiled at each other the way people do when they’re being extra polite. Our easy give and take was gone. This wasn’t us and I hated it. “You first,” I said, gesturing to her.
Courtney seemed to make a decision. “It was really nice to see you again, Maggie,” she said finally. “You don’t know how nice. I needed this.”
“I think I did, too.” I searched for the words I needed, the ones that would tell her I loved her, that I didn’t want her to go, that if there was even a sliver of a chance for us, I wanted to take it.
But the words wouldn’t come.
I stood there too terrified to take the leap.
“Tell me you don’t hate me anymore,” she said.
“I could never hate you, Courtney. You’re Courtney. My first love. You’ll always be that.”
Her eyes filled. “I will be, won’t I?” I nodded. She gestured to her bedroom. “I suppose I should probably—”
“Yeah.” We were talking over each other again, when all I wanted to do was pull her to me and never let go. My chest ached and the lump in my throat grew. “I’ll let you get back to it.”
“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” she said. The tears were contagious, it seemed. I felt them pool in my own eyes. “If you’re ever in Chicago, you call me. I’m serious.”
“Of course.” A long silence ensued and we stared at each other. Finally, I opened my arms and she fell into them. We’d been through so much together. Love, hurt, fear, tragedy. The memories swarmed, and it was all too much. As soon as she let me go, I turned. I had to get out of there. I had to find air.
“Maggie.”
At the sound of her voice, I turned back.
“I hope you find whatever it is that will make you happy.”
What she didn’t realize was that I already had, only I was powerless to hold on to it.
I walked to my car, and once safely inside, the tears came fast and hard. I pulled over two streets away because they no longer allowed me to see the road. The choking sobs shook my body and I gripped the steering wheel with everything I had.
The emotion I’d held back for years assaulted me with staggering intensity. Everything. All of it. I cried for Clay, for the lost years with Courtney, but most of all for myself and the cowardly person I’d become.
They were right. I was a shell of who I used to be and lived a lonely little life.
I’d been certain that protecting my heart had been the right way to go. That Courtney and I didn’t mix in the long term. That love was not for me.
I’d been wrong on all counts.
Chapter Twenty-three
For the entire next week, I avoided the rest of the world. I closed down my office and locked myself away in the cottage, telling friends and family that I’d caught an awful bug and that they would do best to keep their distance. I’d retreated once again, spending my time in front of a television I wasn’t actually watching or staring out at the vast farmland around the cottage for some sort of answer. By the eighth day, I was pulled in a very specific direction.
Tanner Peak had one cemetery, and I spent a lot of my time avoiding it.
In fact, the thought of visiting my brother’s grave left me petrified. I’d only been there once, the day of his burial. Because the grounds were impeccably kept, many in town strolled through in way of a shortcut from the library to the center of town. I never did. I couldn’t bring myself to enter its gates.
Today was different.
Today I needed to be
closer to Clay, to talk to him, to find a way to get my head straight. So I decided to go visit him, as hard as that might be. After having retreated from the world for over a week, it was time to start conquering some of my fears.
I entered the grounds on foot, my heart thudding rapidly and my breathing shallow. Fear trickled through me one inch at a time. I rolled my shoulders to stave off the clammy perspiration that crisscrossed my skin.
One step at a time. Just keep walking.
And there it was.
I blinked my surprise when the terror drifted away the moment I found his grave, almost as if a magic wand had taken the fear from me. I looked down at his name carved into stone and smiled the first smile in days. He was with me. I could feel it.
“What’s up, big bro?” I asked, taking a seat on the freshly cut grass. I ran my fingertips across the etching and let my hand linger there for a moment, closing my eyes and lifting my face to the sun. Its warm embrace comforted me. It was peaceful here. I’d never realized just how peaceful. “Bet you’re surprised to see me here? Yeah, well, me too.”
I sat in silence for a bit, basking in the serenity of the space. The blue sky went on for miles that morning, and I could hear birds chirping from the Douglas fir trees nearby. The cemetery stood empty, except for me.
“I don’t know why I’m here.” I studied the sky as I spoke. It helped me gather my thoughts. “I need help. I guess maybe that’s the reason. Courtney’s gone, and it’s pretty much my fault.” The stupid tears came again, and I was beyond sick of them. Something about hearing the words out loud helped, though. I ran my fingers through the grass and tore off a couple of blades. “I love her, Clay. But you already know that. You always have. My heart is telling me to go with her to Chicago, to fight for her once and for all, the way I should have all those years ago. But it’s like my feet are stuck in this town. It’s who I am and means everything to me, even more since we lost you.”
I thought on it as an understanding hit.
“But it’s not the same here without Courtney. It would be easy and tame, my life, but it would never be great, ya know? Just good enough.” I felt a burst of frustration. “So maybe I do this thing.” I smiled. A modicum of courage gathered behind my words. Courtney had always been the secret ingredient that made my life great. Without her, everything was gray and passable.
I couldn’t lose her again.
“I don’t remember the first time you called me Scrapper. Mom says it was when I was eight and you were twelve and I carried just as much firewood to the log pile as you did.” I took a moment to think on it. My nickname and its meaning. “I haven’t felt much like a scrapper since you left. I know what I want, but I need the strength to put myself out there, to take the risk. Can you help me through this?”
Clay didn’t answer me with words, but this was one of those times when I didn’t have to guess what he was telling me. I could feel his guidance and I shook my head, marveling at the difference I already felt in myself. Bolstered. Upright. Strong. I could do this.
“Chicago is nice this time of year, right?” I nodded a few times as the excitement glimmered briefly. I ran my hand across his name one last time. “Thank you for being my brother, Clay. You’ve always been there for me and you still are. I love you.” I stood and lingered in silent gratitude a moment longer, staring down at his grave before turning to go.
Traversing the same path I’d taken into the cemetery, I didn’t feel any of the same fear that had crippled me on the way in. In fact, I felt about ten feet tall and ready to take on the world. In the back of my mind was an image of Courtney smiling at me from behind her sketch pad, and my chest felt about to burst. I knew what I wanted and it was her, for always.
I could only hope that she’d give me that chance.
*
I surveyed myself in the full-length mirror on the back of the hotel room door. I’d rented a suite, a small living room that adjoined a bedroom. This was, after all, a special occasion.
Chicago was different than I’d imagined it. Fast paced, but also friendly. I’d taken a walk earlier and stopped into a popcorn shop to purchase their famous mix and browsed a farmer’s market right there in the middle of the city hubbub. I liked the fast-paced feel of it all, so different from what I was used to.
Staring at myself in the mirror, I adjusted the red and charcoal belted dress I’d selected and paired with black pumps. That dress always got me compliments, and I wanted to look my best. My hair was pulled back on top, with the sides falling loose around my shoulders. It was my best shot at a more sophisticated big-city look, perhaps the first of many to come. I glanced at my watch, taking note of the fact that it was approaching four o’clock. I’d chosen my hotel for its across-the-street proximity to Carrington’s Corporate.
It was now or never.
I pulled in some air and adjusted my hair for the fifteenth time before heading out.
Carrington’s operated multiple floors in the thirty-two-story monstrous building with the towering atrium. I consulted the directory and headed up.
“Ms. Carrington’s office is two floors up,” the friendly administrative assistant informed me. She was right. “Courtney Carrington, Vice President of Operations” was mounted on the wooden wall outside the office in gold block letters. My heart sped up and skipped. Suddenly, this whole thing felt a little crazy. Who was I to walk in there unannounced and declare myself?
“Can I help you?” a handsome older gentleman asked. His suit looked like it cost several hundred dollars.
“I was hoping to see Courtney Carrington.”
“Follow me,” he said, and led me into the office. A woman sat at a sleek and simple wooden desk in the small yet welcoming lobby. The space felt vastly different from the office in Tanner Peak, made up of soft green chairs, but then Courtney would have designed this one herself. The man gestured to her. “This is Crystal, Ms. Carrington’s assistant. She can help you.”
“Good afternoon,” Crystal said warmly. She was close to my age, and somehow that relaxed me.
I smiled. “Hi. I was hoping she was in,” I said and gestured to the large oak door behind her. “We’re old friends and I’m visiting from out of town.”
Crystal nodded. “Unfortunately, Ms. Carrington is gone for the day. I would be happy to tell her you stopped by.”
“Oh. Well, thank you anyway. Will she be back tomorrow?”
“No, ma’am.”
I turned to go. My heart sank. I would have to call her.
“It’s Maggie, isn’t it?” Crystal asked as I pushed open the glass doors to the hall.
I paused. “Yes, how did you know?”
She dropped the professional tone and leaned in. “Courtney and I are also friends. I’ve seen your photo.”
“It’s nice to meet you.”
“You, too. Tell you what…” She glanced at the office door next to Courtney’s. The one the handsome man had disappeared into. “I’m going to do something that could get me fired. But because I know Courtney so well, I tend to think that won’t be the case.” She scribbled something on the back of a business card and handed it to me. “Her address. Five blocks east.”
“Thank you.” I smiled. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I did.”
I held the business card up and nodded. “Five blocks east.”
The sun had dipped behind the buildings when I emerged, and there were more people on the street as rush hour crept closer. I followed Crystal’s directions, dodging pedestrians as I went. I located the building easily enough and was able to slip in the door just behind a resident. Her apartment on the fourteenth floor was easy to locate, and I stood in front of the red door for only a moment before knocking.
“On my way, Albert. Just hang on a sec and I’ll—” The door flew open and Courtney, in an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt and yoga pants, paused midsentence. “Whoa.”
“Hi.” I eased a strand of hair behind my ear. “Sorry I’m not Albert.�
�
“Maggie?” Her glance moved behind me in the hall as if trying to piece together the puzzle that had me on her doorstep. That’s when the soft smile hit. “I don’t understand. What are you doing here?”
“Right. I imagine you’re wondering that. I’m here in Chicago because I love you.”
She stared at me. “You do?”
“I didn’t mean to just blurt that out, but it’s true.” I nodded, feeling the energy flow through me, ready to put it all out there. “You asked me, not too long ago, what it would take for me to fight for you. I guess it would be the thought of losing you. I never stopped loving you. Not for one second.”
“Maggie, I—”
I held up a hand. “Let me just say this and then you can shoot me down or tell me to go home and never call you again. Your choice.” She nodded. I had absolutely no idea what she was thinking. Her face was carefully blank, and my heart was hammering so loudly I could barely hear myself speak. I pressed on, taking another step out on that limb. “Courtney, I was drawn to you from the first moment I saw you. When I’m with you, I feel like the world is full of possibilities. Without you, it dims. When you left five years ago, I constructed a wall around my heart, and you decimated it once again. I’ll move to Chicago. I’ll do whatever I have to, but I want you back. I want us back.”
“Wow. I never thought you would…” She stood there a moment, grappling. She ran her hands through her hair and her gaze brushed the ground. “You know what? I can’t think out here. Come in. I just need to wrap my head around this for a minute.”
I followed her into the apartment, through a well-put-together beige and turquoise living room that was littered with half-packed boxes. I looked to the kitchen. The boxes continued in a never-ending parade. Tape, paper, and packing supplies were stacked on a stylish-looking kitchen counter. “Are you moving in or out?” I asked, trying to understand. My stomach clenched. This was bad.
“Out,” she said quietly. “I’m leaving. Maggie, I didn’t expect any of this, so I—”
Strawberry Summer Page 27
