“Here.”
Angel hands me a beer and I take the bottle from him. “Thanks.”
He leans over the bar and clasps his hands together on the counter top. “You look like shit.”
I stare at him, narrowing my eyes. “It’s been a rough day.”
Realization suddenly sinks in, and he drops his head, sighing quietly. “Shit, man, I’m sorry. I forgot.”
“There’s no reason why you should be bothered by what day it is. It’s fine.”
He raises his head. “Look, what happened between me and Olivia…”
“Is your business. Not mine.”
“You sure about that?”
I hold his gaze, but again I ignore his comment. “I need to speak to Eddie. Is he here?”
Angel jerks his head toward the back of the clubhouse. “Chapel.”
I put my beer down on the bar and walk away, down the hallway toward the chapel. But I stop for a moment before I let Eddie know I’m here. I lean back against the wall and take a deep breath, my head’s so fucked up right now and I need to claw back that control. I don’t have time for this shit.
Exhaling slowly, I finally reach out to knock on the chapel door. “Eddie? It’s Lucca. I need a word.”
This comes first. All of this, it comes first. Nothing else matters except getting the job done, everything else, that’s just bullshit. And I need to keep telling myself that. It’s bullshit. Dangerous fucking bullshit…
Eight
Olivia
It’s taken a while, for me to realize how lonely I actually am, and yet, I’m never really alone. But being surrounded by armed guards and men like Lucca…
Men like Lucca…
Wrapping my robe around me I walk out onto the terrace and stare out at the ocean. The sun’s setting, the sky a beautiful mix of orange and red with a pale yellow hue and I smile to myself as I remember the times me and Javier would stand here, watching the sun go down, drinking tequila and talking about a future we never got to share. A few years, that’s all I had with him, and yet, sometimes, it feels like a lifetime. And now he’s gone, he isn’t coming back, but I’m finally learning to let go. I want to move on now, it’s time. And deep down, I know I’ve already started to do that.
The sound of a car pulling up outside makes me look down, but it’s just Lucca. And I watch as he gets out, slams the door shut and exchanges a few words with the guards patrolling the back of the estate. I keep watching as he heads inside, and I feel my stomach clench, a feeling I’ve been trying to keep down for a long time. Because it felt wrong. There are lines we shouldn’t cross in this world, no matter how much I want to, and I think he feels the same way. It’s why we carry on like there’s nothing happening, when I think we both know exactly what’s going on, it’s just, the timing is lousy. And the guilt still won’t go away.
Heading back into the living room I go over to the sideboard in the corner and pour myself another shot of whiskey, downing it in one. It’s been a strange day. A sad day. A day of realizations. A day where I had to order a man’s death because it was too much of a risk to keep him alive. It was him, or us. His freedom, or ours.
“You okay?”
I spin around to see Lucca standing in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, he looks tired. And I smile at him, because I’m glad he’s home. I don’t want to be alone anymore, not tonight.
But is it safe to be alone with him…?
“I’m getting there.”
He moves further into the room and pours himself a drink. “It’s done.”
I lean back against the wall and watch him down his whiskey. “Good.”
He turns to face me. “It was necessary, Liv.”
“I know. I told you that. He knew the rules, and he broke them. We had no choice.”
He walks over to the open French doors and looks outside, his back to me as he stares into the distance. “Jimmy had problems.” He turns back around, his eyes locking on mine. “People needed to know what they were, to understand what happened to him.”
“Does Hawkins know? Have they found him?”
Lucca nods. “I guess those problems of his, they were just too much for him to cope with, in the end.”
Make it look like an accident.
Suicide.
Whatever fits the narrative, we cover it all, to rid ourselves of any threat. Because that’s what Jimmy had made himself. A threat. And they need to be extinguished.
A twinge of guilt flashes through me, but I push it away. This, what we sometimes have to do, it’s a necessary evil. A consequence of the shit that can happen if you don’t play by the rules, and Jimmy broke those rules. Game over.
“We need to replace him, Lucca. Quickly.”
“It’s all in hand. Eddie’s contacts are working on it. We’ll have someone by the end of tomorrow, I promise.”
“Good. We’ll need to organize a meet, once they’re in place.”
“Of course. I’ll arrange that.”
“Thank you.”
His eyes lock on mine, and as he moves toward me the smell of his cologne fills my head, and my heart’s beating faster the closer he gets, I can’t stop it from doing that. I can’t slow it down.
“It’s been a tough day, Liv. Maybe you should get some rest.”
“I don’t need to rest. I’m fine.”
“Okay.”
He doesn’t believe me, but he knows better than to argue. And I can’t take my eyes off of him, even though his gaze has now shifted back to the open French doors, and he walks toward them.
“It’s a beautiful evening,” he says, and I’m not even sure he’s directing that at me, he’s just thinking aloud.
“Yes. It is.”
A moment of peace washes over me, and I think he feels it too because he glances back over his shoulder and smiles at me, and my heart’s racing now. Does he really feel the same way? Or am I just imagining all those times I’ve felt the atmosphere change, when he’s near me?
He turns around, finishes his drink, and now I can see him more clearly the weariness in his eyes is evident. Today’s drained him as much as it has me.
“I should probably go upstairs,” I start, briefly dropping my gaze, my arms wrapping around myself. “I think you’re right. I could do with getting some rest, today’s been a bitch.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I can’t argue with that.”
I look back up at him. “Lucca, I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For what happened, with Angel.”
“You’ve already explained why you did that. And you don’t have to apologize, it’s none of my business.”
He’s saying that now, but earlier, it seemed like it was very much his business. Which just makes me think that, maybe, he does feel something for me.
“No. Maybe not, but…” I shake my head and look away. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going upstairs, I think an early night might be a good idea.” Turning my head back around I look right into his eyes. “You should get some rest, too. You look tired.”
“I’m fine.”
He isn’t, I can tell. He’s got something on his mind, that’s obvious. “Okay.” But I’m not sure tonight is the right time to move this any further forward. Whatever it is. Whatever I want it to be.
You’re Olivia Delgado.
You can have anything – anyone you want.
But can you really have Lucca Pérez…?
I start to walk away, but his voice stops me from getting too far. “Olivia, hang on. Wait a minute.”
I turn around. “Yeah?”
“What you said, this morning – your reasons for sleeping with Angel… I understand. I get why you felt the need to do that, it’s just…”
“Just, what?”
“You could’ve come to me.”
His words cause my stomach to dip almost to the floor, a surge of impossible hope sweeping through me.
Y
ou could’ve gone to him…
“No, Lucca, that wouldn’t have worked.”
It wouldn’t. Because I don’t see him as someone there to be used by me, the way I used Angel, he isn’t that person. I don’t want him to be.
“I could’ve helped you.”
“You couldn’t…” My throat suddenly tightens, and I stop talking, dropping my head, raising my hand to my chest as my heart starts to beat harder. And it’s a feeling of panic that’s taking over now. Raw, terrifying panic.
“Olivia…?”
I want to look at him, but looking at him is going to open a door that, despite my growing feelings for this man, I’m terrified of stepping through. But I want to. I’ve wanted to for much longer than I’m ever going to admit, but this is what scares me. More than anything. All the shit I’ve seen; the things I’ve done, and this is what scares me.
Admitting that you’re in love with Lucca Pérez?
Yes. I’m in love with Lucca Pérez…
I slowly raise my gaze, my eyes meeting his, and he knows it – he feels it, too, I have no doubt about that now. And that’s terrifying and exciting but neither of us makes a move to do anything; say anything. We let the moment pass, but it doesn’t matter. We know what we felt, and for now, that’s enough.
Lucca
I’ve loved Olivia Delgado for too long. The kind of love borne out of envy and so much fucking confusion and, yeah, feeling that way, I know it’s dangerous. I know that. But it’s getting harder to ignore something that’s growing stronger by the day. Something I should bever have let happen, she was never mine to love. But I’ve watched her grow from an innocent young woman into someone very different, and I tried in the beginning, I swear, I tried to pretend it was nothing more than some stupid crush, that I was only feeling that way because she was someone I could never have. We always want what we can’t have, right? That shit is always more exciting, the unattainable. But as time went on, something happened, it must’ve done. Something changed. All these years she’s been right there, in my line of sight. A part of my life. And now, with Javier gone, it’s just me and her so much of the time, so fighting this shit, it’s getting harder by the day.
Leaning back against the wall in the thankfully empty hallway, I stare out ahead and breathe in deeply. She knows, how I feel, there’s no doubt about that, but when I looked in her eyes just now, it was clear. She feels the same way. We looked at each other, and we knew – we both knew that we were this close to crossing that line, and I know we should be stronger. We should avoid encouraging whatever this is, and I’ll try, I will, but it’s taking every ounce of strength I have. And even though we haven’t said the words, the message was all too clear. And I don’t think we can pretend it never happened. We can’t pretend that we were both just tired and emotional, and we were all of those things but, it doesn’t matter. It’s out there. And in the blink of an eye everything’s changed, again. Everything. God help me…
Olivia
I can’t sleep. My mind’s racing, my heart’s still thumping, painfully hard, the sound of it pounding in my ears, it’s deafening rhythm filling my head. But if I close my eyes I don’t see his face anymore – Javier’s. And that scares me, even though, in reality, it hasn’t been his face I’ve seen when I close my eyes for a long time now.
I don’t know what to do, how to feel anymore, and even though these feelings for Lucca have been building for longer than I can remember, now I’ve finally admitted them, it’s just made everything even more complicated. But they’ve been there. I know that now. They’ve been there, and now I know he feels the same way too, that changes everything. This is real now, not just some fantasy in my head, it’s real. And I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t, and I don’t think Javier would want me to be but, sleeping with his lieutenant? A man who was almost like a brother to him? That just causes the guilt to rush back all over again, when I have no need to feel guilty. But I can’t shake that unwelcome emotion.
You aren’t betraying Javier.
You aren’t doing that.
You aren’t…
Pulling my hair back into a ponytail I sit down on the bed, and I try to think. Try to focus. Try to clear my head. I look at the photograph on the nightstand of Javier, so handsome, my beautiful man. And the pain that cuts across my chest is deep and real and once more my throat tightens, for a second I can’t breathe. It’s the sudden knock on the door that causes the breath to loosen in my throat, and for a moment I forget about the pain in my chest and the anxious feeling in my stomach. But it’s just a moment.
“Olivia? Are you okay?”
I’m so tired of him asking me that. He knows I’m not okay. I can’t remember the last time I said I was, and meant it.
“I’m fine, Lucca. Go get some rest.”
I need him to go, I really do.
“We need to talk, Liv.”
He’s right. We do. But, now?
I get up, and I go to the door, but I hesitate for a beat or two before I finally open it. “Not here. Go down to the kitchen, I’ll be there in a second.”
I close the door before he can respond, and I wait until I hear him heading back downstairs before I move again.
Lucca Pérez is the closest thing to having Javier back, and maybe that’s the reason why these feelings I have for him materialized in the first place, I don’t know. I’m confused. All I know is that, all the shit with Angel; my determination to push Lucca away, to not turn to him when I needed someone, there was a reason for that. But there’s still a part of me that feels like this is wrong. That we should just leave it alone. And another part of me that knows I’m going to ignore every alarm bell that’s ringing.
How can loving another man be wrong? Javier’s gone. He’s gone. And he wanted Lucca to look after me, that’s what Lucca told me. And then that wave of guilt crashes over me again, because surely he never meant for this to happen. Not this. At the same time, though, he always used to say to me that if anything ever happened to him he’d want me to find happiness again. He’d want me to love again. With his best friend…?
A man who will look after you. Always keep you safe. Love you…
Taking a deep breath I leave the bedroom and head down to the kitchen. Lucca’s making grilled cheese, and for a second I just stand in the doorway and watch him. Moments like this – when everything feels normal; ordinary – they’re few and far between. Because we’re so far from normal, and there’s nothing ordinary about this life, but, maybe there could be. One day.
Sensing my presence, Lucca glances back over his shoulder and smiles at me. “Want some?”
I shake my head and move further into the room. “No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”
“When was the last time you ate something?”
“Celine made me brunch this morning.”
He slides a grilled cheese sandwich onto a plate and holds it out to me. “Take it. Eat it. You’ll feel better for it, I promise.”
I take the plate and look down at the sandwich. It smells amazing, because he’s added a dash of mustard powder to the cheese, and used sea salt to season it, just the way I like it.
“Because grilled cheese is going to solve all our problems, right?” I put the plate down, and I look at him. Right into those ice-blue eyes.
“Is that what we have here? A problem?”
“What do we have here, Lucca?”
“A situation that was always going to happen.”
I lean back against the counter and cross my arms. My body language is still telling him to stay back, but that isn’t what I want. “You sound very sure about that.”
“You don’t think that’s the case?”
“I think it’s been a long and emotional day, and, maybe we’re overthinking everything, that’s all.”
He arches an eyebrow, his arms also now crossed against his chest. We’re both giving off somewhat defensive body language, it’s almost like we’re facin
g off against each other, but there’s also an electricity in the air that’s hard to ignore. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to ignore it, not anymore.
“I’m not overthinking anything.”
He moves a little closer to me, and once again I breathe him in and allow my stomach one more dip. One last flip. And when he reaches out and cups my cheek, the palm of his hand ever-so-gently resting against my skin, it’s like all the air is slowly being sucked from the room.
“You could’ve turned to me, Olivia. We don’t need anybody else.”
“I was scared,” I whisper, my fingers closing around his wrist. “And I thought nothing could scare me anymore, but this…”
I trail off, breaking the stare, but I keep my fingers wrapped around his wrist.
“I’m scared, too.”
I look up, my eyes once more locking on his, my fingers tightening their grip on his wrist. “Then we’re really in trouble.”
We both smile, and suddenly the atmosphere changes, it feels lighter. And I let go of him, and reach for the sandwich. “It’s been a strange day. I think we just need to get some sleep, things will…”
“… look different in the morning?”
I stare at him as he finishes my sentence for me.
“What? That wasn’t what you were going to say?”
“I… Yes, it was, but…”
He takes the sandwich from my hand and puts it back down, and before I can get another word out his mouth’s on mine, his body pressed up against me, his arm circling my waist. And all I can think about is pushing him away, even though it’s the last thing I want, but I don’t. Instead I bury my fingers in his hair; I let him lift me up onto the counter, the sound of crockery crashing to the floor as he sweeps it away, and I know it’s only a matter of time now. Seconds. And I close my eyes and take a breath, biting down on my lip as he pushes into me, that line, it’s crossed now. It’s too late to change anything. So I drop my head, my forehead resting against his as his thrusts pick up speed, I can feel him inside me, and it’s so different to fucking Angel. That was just a test I had to put myself through, to see if this could actually happen, so I need to stop fighting it. All of it. We aren’t doing anything wrong, any guilt is misplaced, surely Javier would think Lucca was the perfect person for me. He trusted him, loved him like a brother, and he knew that Lucca would never let any harm come to me. So this, it isn’t wrong. No matter what I might’ve thought before, this isn’t wrong.
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