by Kelly Myers
Pressing against his chest, I backed him away from me far enough so that I could wiggle out of the shirt I had on. My fingers located and began methodically undoing the buttons of his shirt. I then clawed at his back, pulling the white under tee off over his head. My bra came off somehow, and we were gloriously skin to skin.
I ran my fingers over his chest, and down his arms. He was so strong and thick muscled. He was built like an athlete and fucked like a porn star. I reached for the fastener of his slacks, wanting access to his porn star skills.
An old-fashioned telephone ringer sounded. Zack stopped kissing me and groaned. He sat up and grabbed his phone from his pocket.
“Fuck me. I have to take this.” He got up and crossed to the kitchen.
Popping the earpiece in, he started having another intense conversation. He was throwing around the same words we had joked about earlier.
I felt abandoned, all hot and bothered, and half nude waiting for him to cut the call short and return to me. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen any time soon, I pulled my shirt back on and picked my bra up from the floor. I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. When he turned I waved, and then let myself out the door.
I had enough time to start making dinner before Zack knocked on my door, and then let himself in.
“Why did you run away?” he asked.
I looked at him and blinked a few times. Really? “You abandoned me naked on your couch for a business call. I got cold and hungry.”
He sighed and held his hands out. “It’s business. It’s important to maintain a level of progress and sometimes that means working after hours.”
“No Zack. It’s business. It’s important to have a work-life balance, or work becomes all-encompassing. You have to hide your relationships, you aren’t allowed to enjoy the things that keep you sane. It’s a business, it won’t keep you warm at night, or hold you when you are hurt and lonely.”
“Are you saying I don’t hold you?”
“You weren’t there when I needed you. You certainly have to hide me.” My voice dropped low with anger. “When was the last time you rode your bike?”
He threw his hands up. “Fuck, Crystal, you aren’t still mad about Monterey are you? I would have much rather been fucking you than drinking with Greg and the team.”
“That’s all it is, isn’t it? It’s just fucking. We aren’t allowed to go out, we can’t be seen. We can’t even leave the damned peninsula together.” I felt used.
“Crystal.”
I crossed my arms and glared. I was done talking to him.
“What do you want from me? I’m stuck in the same position.”
I said nothing.
“Oh come on! Talk to me,” he pleaded.
I wasn’t going to give in. I wasn’t going to cry. He needed to cross the space between us and pull me into his arms and tell me we were more than just fuck buddies. I certainly thought there was more going on between us.
“Fine!” He threw his hands up again. “I have an early flight. If you feel like talking to me again at some point, you know where I live.”
The door closed with the loudest click I had ever heard.
My microwave beeped. I spun toward it. Somehow I ended up on my ass in the middle of my kitchen. I started to cry. Zack was gone, and I was dizzy again.
The next morning I sat on the same paper-covered exam table at the clinic.
“I don’t see an ear infection,” the physician’s assistant said. “How’s work?” She asked as she felt the glands in my neck.
“Stressful, super stressful.”
“Periods regular?”
I bit my lips together, thinking.
She looked at me quizzically. “When was the first day of your last period?”
I felt my eyes go wide. It should have been a week ago, but with everything at work… “Can stress make you miss your period?”
She nodded. “Let’s run a pregnancy test just in case. You’ve been on antibiotics, and you’re on the pill.”
“So?” I asked.
“Antibiotics make the pill not work,” she said.
“Oh.”
I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t face the world. I took my positive pregnancy test and went home. I felt more alone and abandoned at that moment than I had when Zack walked out my door the night before. I emailed the team, letting them know I wasn’t feeling well. And crawled into bed. How the hell was I going to tell Zack that I was pregnant?
15
Zack
I knocked on Crystal’s door. It had been two days since I walked out of it. The only message I had from her was the group text where she mentioned she wasn’t well. She was hurt, and not feeling well, and I wasn’t there for her.
She was right, I had to hide her away, and that now meant I had no texts from her, no personal emails, no voice mails. I had no way of knowing if she was all right. When I checked in with the team via email, she hadn’t responded. And when Allison asked if I knew how Crystal was doing, my stomach sank.
Things needed to change. I needed to change them.
I gave her a few minutes, knocked again, and then let myself in with my key. She trusted me with a key to her apartment. She needed to know I could be trusted with more.
“Crystal, I brought you some Pho,” I said as I crossed to her kitchen. “Crystal?”
I put the soup and extras on the counter before heading into her bedroom.
“You in here?” I saw her bundled up under her blankets.
Sitting next to her on the bed, I peeled a blanket away to reveal her face. Her eyes looked swollen closed. My heart lurched in my chest. She didn’t look well, ashen and blotchy. Like she had been crying, like she was really sick.
I placed my hand against her cheek, and she leaned into me and opened her eyes.
“Hi,” she said in the smallest voice.
I pulled her to my chest and wrapped my arms around her. She trembled in my arms. Crying, she was crying. I was prepared to slay dragons for her. I needed to do better by her and see them for myself, and not expect her to have to point them out. She had told me what she needed, and I had walked away.
“Crystal, Darling, what is it? You said you weren’t well. Please tell me this isn’t because of our fight.”
I heard the gulp in her throat, her voice was raspy, dry. “Not the fight. But that certainly didn’t help any.”
“I’m such an asshole. You told me exactly what you needed, my arms around you, and I left. I can be dumb.”
She nodded.
“I’m here now. Forgive me for being a dumbass?”
“I’ll try if you try to not be one.”
“Deal.” I brushed a stray hair back from her face. “When was the last time you had something to eat or drink?”
She shrugged.
“I got your favorite Pho. Let me help you sit up, and I’ll go get it ready for you.” I went into her small bathroom and returned with a damp washcloth to wipe her face.
She gave me a weak smile. I felt pain in my gut. Something was wrong, I could tell.
In the kitchen, I poured the now tepid soup into a microwave bowl and hit the buttons.
“Hi.” She walked so carefully, holding on to the wall, and then the counter as she moved.
“Do you have another bad ear infection? You aren’t looking too stable there.”
“I’m having dizzy spells, but it’s not an ear infection. I thought I’d come out here. I don’t want to spill soup in my bed. That would be miserable to clean up.”
I crossed out of the kitchen and helped her to the couch. Crystal, so solid and strong in my arms a few days ago now felt so frail and fragile. If I held her too tightly she would break.
“If it’s not an ear infection, can you tell me what’s the matter?” I asked. “Did the doctor know?”
“Oh yeah, they knew. I’m still wrapping my head around it.”
The microwave beeped. With her safely on the couch, I returned to the ki
tchen. “Do you want me to put everything in here, or do you want the Pho experience?”
She dragged her hand across her face and rubbed her eyes.
“I’ll put everything together for you,” I said.
She looked like she was too tired to even talk. I brought an oversized bowl of noodles in broth, thinly sliced roast beef, and hard-boiled egg— cut in half— and placed it on the trunk in front of her. I remembered exactly how she liked to order it. I returned to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of Sriracha pepper sauce.
“Are you going to eat?” she asked.
“My bowl is in the microwave.” On cue, it beeped, and I carried my soup to the trunk so I could sit next to her on the couch.
I couldn’t eat. I had never done this before, been with someone who had gotten ill. Seriously ill. My parents had died before they got old, my sister was always healthy. I felt my insides twist uncomfortably.
“Will you tell me? I mean, I can help. Please, let me help you,” I started talking. I wasn’t exactly sure of the words that fell from my mouth.
She took a deep breath and put down her bowl. “I will tell you. I just can’t yet. I haven’t been able to tell anyone.”
“Not even your mom, or your friend Charline?”
She shook her head.
That sinking feeling in my gut kept going lower and lower. She returned to eating her soup with slow deliberate movements. I could see the way she held the spoon she didn’t seem to have much strength. What could do this? I kept scanning my eyes over her as if I could see what was wrong. As if I suddenly possessed x-ray vision and could identify cancer tumors, or could see the lesions on her spine from multiple sclerosis.
I ran a list of autoimmune diseases through my head. I knew it couldn’t be HIV, we had both been tested, a precaution we agreed upon after we got together. But it could be so many other things, things that could take her from me. I balled my fist, felt my nails bite into my palm. That caged feeling that pushed me to find an escape roared to life in my chest.
I needed to fight, to scream, to pound the fear and anger I felt in my blood out through the pedals of my bike. When she looked at me, I gave her a tight concerned smile. When she focused on her soup I breathed in hard through my nose, out through my mouth.
“Would you calm down Zack?” She reached over and stroked my thigh. “You are making me nervous.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t there with you. I should have been here to go with you to the doctor. You shouldn’t have had to find out whatever you’ve got alone.” I shoved down the panic that tried the shove its way into my brain.
“It’s not life-threatening if that’s what you’re worried about.”
I felt the fight or flight tension dissipate from my spine.
“You’re really worried aren’t you?” She laced her fingers through mine.
I gave her a slight nod.
“It’s going to change everything, how I live, what I do. It will take some adjusting, that’s all. Right now I just need some time.”
She squeezed my hand, and I pulled her to me.
My arms wrapped around her and I held her. Whether she needed it or not, I did. I stroked her hair and enjoyed the feel of her pressed to me. I didn’t need her to be naked and fucking to want to be with her. I just wanted to be with her. I felt frozen with that thought. I wanted her. It took her getting sick for me to realize it. In sickness and in health, I wanted her.
I relaxed into her warmth, and let it spread through me.
“Zack?”
“Yes, Darling?”
She bounced with a chuckle. “I like that, you calling me darling. I suddenly have the urge for dill pickle potato chips.”
“They make those?” I asked
“Yes, you can get them at the grocery store. What I really want are fried pickles, but I don’t know anyone around here who delivers.”
“I haven’t had those since the last time I went to the state fair. Seriously?” I didn’t expect this to be the first dragon she needed slaying, but I was here for her. I sat up, easing her from my embrace. “If I can’t find fried pickles, would the potato chips do?”
She nodded. “It’s comfort food, deep-fried and tangy.”
I could tell she wanted to move with more enthusiasm, but she didn’t have the strength.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and began the search.
16
Crystal
A folded letter-sized piece of paper was taped to my front door. I glanced around and noticed the unit in front of mine also had a letter taped to theirs. The apartments on Zack’s side of the walkway didn’t. I snatched the letter. The tape stuck to the door and tore a little crescent moon-shaped bit from the paper.
What was it now? I had already received the email, and the pestering follow-up emails requesting an acknowledging response, informing me that my lease would not be renewed when it expired. The property had been sold and the new owners were turning half the units into rotating B-N-B extended stay apartments and selling the other half as condos. No more apartment living here.
I finally had a job that paid enough that I could afford to continue to stay here, and they were kicking me out. It sucked.
I had a neighbor I was falling in love with. I was going to have his baby. Not that I liked my commute, but it was easy enough. I doubted I could find an equally nice area for the same money. I liked my apartment.
With work taking so much of my focus, I had the mental bandwidth for one extra thing in my life. I was still trying to figure out my relationship with Zack. I didn’t have the time to find a new place to live. I didn’t have time to figure out this pregnancy thing. I still hadn’t found a baby doctor for checkups. Oh damn, I was such a mess.
“Now what?” I said as I struggled to unfold the paper while I unlocked my front door.
I stopped inside the front door and stared at the page. This was complete and utter bull shit. I let my bags slide from my shoulder and fall to the floor. I turned and stared at Zack’s door, he didn’t have the note. He was out of town, so I knew he hadn’t already gotten it.
I stepped out and looked at the front unit on his building. They didn’t have a note either. As I tried to figure out what was going on their door opened.
“Hi,” I said, maybe a little too loud.
I held out my note and walked toward them. “Did you get a notice of eviction because of termites, or just the lease non-renewal?” I asked.
My neighbor met me halfway. His hand outstretched to take the note from me. I tried to remember his name. I could not think of it.
“Yeah, I got the lease thing, but nothing like this.” He handed the notice back. He looked up. “I would think if you had termites we would, but the overhang doesn’t really connect does it?”
I followed his gaze up. I lived in a single-story four-unit building. The building that I shared a walkway with had two stories and eight units. The roof that covered the stairs extended slightly over the edge of my building, keeping the walkway protected from direct rainfall.
“That’s tough luck. I have to start looking soon myself. My lease is up in three months.” He handed the note back to me with a shrug.
“Good luck. I think we’re all going to need it. How many units are they taking off the market?”
He groaned. “Three hundred units. That’s going to impact the cost of rent in all of this part of town.” With a shake of his head, he waved and continued on his way.
I was screwed.
Extensive termite damage had been found in several of the buildings. Where possible the buildings would be tented and fumigated. Residents of those buildings would need to vacate the premises for seventy-two hours. There was an empty check box next to this option, along with a section for dates to be out of the apartment, not filled in. The other option, the one with the ugly red X in the check box, was what I had to deal with. My building would be demolished. Great, I was living in a building with severe enough termite damage that when I moved out,
they were going to knock it over.
I had five weeks to find a new place to live and move. I had to find a baby doctor and get the situation with my womb figured out. I still hadn’t told anyone. My mother would be so disappointed, and probably disown me. I wanted to know what the situation with Zack was before I told her. She didn’t even know about Zack.
No one knew about Zack. He was the most amazing person to have come into my life and I hadn’t told anyone. Not even Charline, and she was safely away from work gossip in Texas.
I had a moment to myself a few days later at work. I squirmed in my chair, not able to get comfortable. My undies had felt uncomfortable this morning. I changed my entire outfit so that I wore leggings under a dress instead, and they were binding. My focus was torn between the app rollout and finding a place to rent. I pulled a rental website up on my monitor. I wanted to stay in Sunnyvale. I wanted to stay on the north side so I could be near Zack, and so that my commute routine didn’t have to change.
One train stop farther north, the next town up, and rents were another couple of hundred dollars higher. Enough of a difference that I wouldn’t be able to afford rent. It was hard to care about QA testing results on a product the rich used in their homes when I was going to not have a home soon.
I needed to talk to Zack. He was supposed to be back in the office today. Hopefully, that meant he would be home tonight. I missed him.
“Are you house hunting on company time?” Greg’s voice crawled up my neck like a slimy thing.
I spun my chair to face him. “I am allowed to take a break. You know legally it’s required.” I did not have time to deal with anything Greg had to say to me that wasn’t directly related to the app.
He thrust a fat stack of printed pages at me. “There is an error in the code.”
