The Christmas Elf
An Angela Panther Holiday Short
Carolyn Ridder Aspenson
Carolyn Ridder Aspenson
June 2016
COPYRIGHT 2015, Carolyn Ridder Aspenson
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
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Cover Design by Tatiana Vila
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to similarly named places or to persons living or deceased is unintentional.
EPUB ISBN 978-1-5137-0801-0
For Gracie
Wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge, sweet girl.
Other Books by Carolyn Ridder Aspenson
Unfinished Business An Angela Panther Mystery
Unbreakable Bonds An Angela Panther Mystery
Uncharted Territory An Angela Panther Mystery
Santa’s Gift A Cumming Christmas Novella
The Inn at Laurel Creek
8 to Lose the Weight
To be notified of future releases and receive a free copy of Carolyn's holiday novella, Santa's Gift, A Cumming Christmas Novella, visit
Carolynridderaspenson.com
The Christmas Elf
“Here, take this. I don’t want it.” Mel shoved a plastic bag from Target in my face.
I pushed it away. “What is it?” I’d learned not to accept anything bagged or wrapped from Mel without an explanation first.
She thrust it at me again. “Just take it, please.”
I scooted my chair back and waved my hands in front of me. “Nope. Not fallin’ for it. Learned my lesson last time.”
Mel laughed, and so I did. The last time she’d given me a gift in public we were eating lunch in a crowded sandwich shop. She had me close my eyes and pull out the surprise—a rubber penis. I was so shocked I flung the thing across the restaurant and smack dab into the double-D’s of an older woman whose missing sense of humor was replaced by a wicked bad temper. It wasn’t pretty.
Mel opened the bag. “It’s not a sex toy. See?”
I peeked inside. “An elf?”
She nodded and emptied the bag onto the table. The elf fell out and landed face down. “It’s all yours.”
I didn’t touch the thing for fear it was rigged with something sure to embarrass me. “Please explain.”
“I got it last year at that community garage sale, remember?”
The bell in my brain dinged. “Oh, yeah. Your frugal-is-fun version of that Elf on A Shelf® thing.” I picked up the toy and maneuvered its arms over its head. “Don’t you want it?”
“I do, but Bruno freaks out every time I try to put it up.”
Bruno, a gentle giant of a German Shepherd, was probably the sweetest dog alive--other than Gracie, of course. He was deathly afraid of the vacuum, thunderstorms, Barbie® and little dogs and other four-legged creatures, so it wasn’t a big leap for him to be afraid of a toy elf.
I slid the toy back into the bag. “Thanks, but my kids are a little old for the elf thing.”
Mel pushed the bag back toward me, leaned in and whispered, “I think it’s possessed.”
I sat back in my chair again, a smile stretched across my face. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”
“I’m serious.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“It moves on its own.”
I sipped my drink. “Moves? Like from one place to another?”
“If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’,” she said.
Normally I’d think Mel was punking me, but her fear of demons bordered on obsessive, so I figured she was serious. I snuck another peek into the bag and then opened my purse and stuffed the bag into it. “Details please.”
“You know how that elf thing works, right?”
I nodded.
“Well, I figured I’d do the same thing with that one.” She pointed to the doll on the table. “But instead of telling the kids and making a production out of it, I decided to put it out and see if they noticed. I thought once they did, I’d move it around and let it get into all kinds of things, you know, like you see on Pinterest. Only I didn’t have to because it did it on its own.”
That grabbed my attention. “What did it do exactly?”
“A few nights ago I leaned it up against one of trees in my tree display, you know, the one on my entryway table. But when I got up the next morning, it was sitting on top of my coffee pot.”
“One of your kids probably found it and moved it.”
She shook her head. “I put it there after the kids went to bed, so they couldn’t have done it. Besides, why would they? They’d be too excited to see it and not mention it. And that’s not the only time it moved.” She pierced a lettuce leaf and a cherry tomato with her fork and crammed it into her mouth. Chewing while talking, she said, “I moved it back to the table that morning. I got the kids up and to school. When I got back from dropping them off, Bruno was cowering behind the couch, shaking and whining, his nose shoved into the corner. When I went over to him, the elf was sitting on the back of the couch. It was staring at him, Ang. Staring at him.”
“Maybe he grabbed it from the table and put it there and then got freaked out.”
She shook her head. “You don’t get it. It was standing up when I put it back on the table, but each time it moved, it was sitting.”
I admitted that was a little odd, but it wasn’t enough to convince me the toy was possessed. “Bruno’s a seventy-five-pound dog Mel, and his jaw is massive. He could have easily bent the thing when he grabbed it.”
“Fine, you’re right. He could have, but could he have opened my shower door and put it on the shelf in there?”
I giggled. “So now you’re saying it’s a Peeking Elf?”
She nodded. “And it’s pretty cocky about it, too. It had one foot on a knee and was just sitting there with this creepy smile on it’s face. I felt so violated.”
I busted out laughing. “Good grief, Mel, it’s a doll, not a voyeur.”
She didn’t find it as funny as I did. “I’m serious.”
I snatched the bag from my purse and took out the elf. “So, you’re a pervert are ya?” I smirked at the doll. “Get your rocks off ogling Asian woman, do ya?” I flipped it around and pushed it toward Mel, wiggling it around. In my poor excuse for an Irish accent I said, “Ah yes, my dear. I love me a hot Asian.”
She jerked back. “It’s an elf, not a leprechaun and you suck at accents.”
She had a point. “Elves can be Irish, too.” I twisted it around again, making it dance for Mel.
“Just keep it away from me.”
“If it freaks you out so much, why didn’t you just throw it out?”
“I did. I put it in the garbage last night. Threw it right into the can at the front of my driveway. When I woke up this morning it was sitting on my alarm clock.”
The hairs on my arms tingled. “Okay, that’s a little creepy.”
“Exactly.”
I tossed it back into the bag and tied it in a knot. “So what do you want me to do with it?”
“I don’t care, just keep it away from me.”
“Not a problem.” I walked the doll over to the garbage can and tossed it in.
***
That night I woke up to Gracie’s paw
scraping down my arm as it dangled off the side of my bed. Her blue eyes were opened wide and her teeth chattered. I glanced out the window behind my nightstand, checking for rain, but it was still too dark to see so I listened for one instead. Nothing. Gracie hated storms so I figured one was brewing and she was scared. “It’s okay, Gracie Girl,” I said, rubbing her head.
She pawed at me some more and knowing I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, I got up, put on my robe and headed downstairs. Gracie followed close behind. It was only two o’clock. “You’re gonna owe me for this one, Gracie Girl.”
I flipped on the light over the stove and shuffled over to the coffeepot, and that’s when I saw it.
The elf.
Sitting on top of the coffeemaker.
I stepped back and focused on keeping calm. Gracie on the other hand, cowered next to the couch in the family room. I turned on the main light in the kitchen and walked back to the coffee pot. “Well,” I said to the elf. “Isn’t this a surprise?”
I half expected the doll to respond, and when it didn’t, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or perturbed. I moved it to the stove and made myself a pot of coffee. Yes, it was creepy, but not creepy enough to stop me from having a cup of java. I had my priorities.
Once the coffee was done, I grabbed my new buddy and brought it into the family room. Gracie immediately recoiled and hid in the corner behind the Christmas tree. I tried to reassure her but she ignored me. I put the elf on the coffee table and stared at it. It ogled me back. Okay, Mel was right. It is creepy, more so than I’d thought.
I picked it up and examined every inch of it. IT wasn’t like the popular elf that everyone bought and moved around the house to make sure their kids behaved for the holiday, but more like a Barbie® with stiff, bendable appendages. To bend it, I had to physically move each limb; they didn’t just hang and move without effort. My spidey sense didn’t go off and I didn’t feel any kind of negative vibe from the thing, but that didn’t matter. Something was obviously up and I needed to find out what. “So, you wanna tell me what’s going on?”
“Give me back.”
“What the—“ I flung the doll across the room. Gracie jumped out from behind the tree and bolted to parts unknown. I took a few deep breaths, gathered what little composure I had left and tiptoed up to the doll, as if being light on my feet would make its voice part of my imagination or something.
The elf had landed face down next to a bookcase but before I finished the few steps between it and the couch, the thing flipped over and literally flew to the top of the fireplace mantle and popped a squat. I nearly had a heart attack. Dead people were one thing, but living dolls were far out of my comfort zone.
“Give me back,” it said again.
I noted the creepy smile on its face but pretended I wasn’t scared. In the recent past I’d learned life was full of surprises and most scary things weren’t really as scary as I thought. I’d also learned I had a pretty big pair of imaginary testicles when I needed them and at that moment, I needed them. “I’m Angela. And you are?”
“Give me back.”
Yes, I really was standing at the foot of my fireplace talking to a creepy looking elf doll. “I’m gonna need a little more than that.”
“Back. Give me back.”
“Well, all righty then.” I grabbed it, carried him back into the kitchen and plopped it on the counter. I poured myself another cup of coffee and called for my mom.
“Oh lookie there,” she said. “You got yourself a new friend.” She examined the elf and jerked back when it blinked at her. “Ew, that’s creepy.”
“It talks too.”
“Oh yeah? That’s kinda interesting.” She got a touch closer to the doll and smiled. “Hi there, little one. How you doin’?”
“Give me back,” it said.
She glanced at me. “Kinda rude, ain’t it?”
I shrugged. “Limited vocabulary.”
“So whadda you gonna do with it?”
“I was kinda hoping you could help me with that,” I said.
“Me? Madone, I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout talkin’ elfs. I’m a celestial spirit is all. Ask me about the after life, I can answer. Ask me how much breadcrumbs to put in your meatballs, I can tell ya. But what to do with a talking elf? I got nothin’.”
I leaned against my kitchen counter. I eyed the elf and was pretty sure it eyed me back. “Maybe we can figure something out together.”
My mother blew on the elf and it fell backward. “Ha, did you see that? I got me some pretty strong breath considerin’ my innards are missin’.”
I rolled my eyes. “Can we get down to business here please?”
“Business? Whadda you mean? You got a toy elf that talks. You want it to stop? Get some of that duct tape and put it on its mouth. Boom. Problem solved.”
I ignored her and picked up the elf. “Hey elf, got anything to say?”
“Give me back.”
I set the elf back on the counter and stared at my mother. “See?”
She shrugged. “All’s I’m sayin’ is a little duct tape will fix that right away.”
“Ma, something’s up with the elf. It wouldn’t be talking to me otherwise and you know that. We gotta do something here.”
She grimaced.
“What?”
“Why all of a sudden is it ‘we’? Why, if the elf is talkin’ to you do ‘we’ gotta do something? Why not you?”
My mother never, ever backed away from butting into my business. “What’s going on, Ma?”
“Whadda you mean?”
“You know what I mean. You’re always sticking your nose in my business and now all of a sudden you want nothing to do with this? Come on, spill it.”
She swiveled to the elf and then back to me. “It’s creepin’ me out.”
I about spit my coffee onto the floor. “Oh my gawd. You’re scared of a talking doll? You? The celestial super spirit? Well I’ll be damned.”
“I ain’t scared,” she said, her energy flickering tiny red sparks. “I just don’t like no talkin’ dolls is all.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, well I don’t much prefer talking dead people, so there ya go.”
“That’s different.”
“Maybe your gift is growing.”
She stuck her tongue out at me and I giggled, knowing she’d recognized me using her own words on her.
I grabbed the elf again, straightened its legs and held it, standing up, on the counter. “Okay elf, I’m happy to give you back but you gotta help me help you, you know? So who do you belong to?”
Ma floated over and we both watched the elf, waiting for it to reply.
Crickets.
“Ah Madone,” Ma said. “You pulled me away from my bridge game for this?”
They played bridge in the after life? Who knew?
“Give me back,” the elf chirped.
Surprised, I launched the doll across the kitchen. It landed on the couch. Before I had a chance to retrieve it, it popped up and sat on the back of the couch. “Give me back.”
“Oh boy,” Ma said.
I shuddered. “I know, right?”
“How’s it do that?”
“Beats me but I don’t like it.”
“You gotta give it back.”
I fell into the chair at my kitchen counter. “This is way above my pay grade.”
She studied the elf. “Where’d it come from?”
“Mel.”
She pivoted my direction. “Well there ya go. It wants to go back to her.” She flicked her wrist. “Easy peasy.”
“I don’t think so. It freaked Mel out and I’m pretty sure she won’t take it back.”
Ma giggled. “That woulda been fun to watch, that’s for sure.”
I giggled, too. “I know. She said it kept moving around the house. If she found out it talks, she’d probably need a diaper.”
“If it ain’t Mel it wants to go back to, then who is it?”
“That’s the million dollar question.” I ran my hand through my hair and moaned. “As if I don’t already have enough on my plate. Now I’ve got a talking elf to deal with.”
At that very moment the thing sailed through the air practically in slow motion and positioned itself on the armrest of my barstool. Ma and I watched it make its way across the room, our jaws hanging open.
“How’s it do that?” she asked.
“Beats the heck outta me,” I said.
“Give me back,” it said.
I grabbed the little booger and held it to my face. “Trust me, I want to give you back!” I yelled. “Tell me where to take you and I’ll do it right now!”
The doll fluttered its eyelashes. “Mommy.”
My eyes popped open. “Mom…mommy? Okay. I…Who’s your mommy?”
“Give me back.”
I dropped an F-bomb.
“Pretty much,” my mother said.
***
My husband Jake flipped the doll in his hands. “Doesn’t seem possessed to me.” He wiggled it in my face. “Ohh, give me back. Ohh.”
I yanked it from him. “You’re not helpful.”
Jake laughed. “I’m sure it’s just some spirit messing with you, honey. You’ll figure it out.” He poured himself a cup of stale coffee. When he sipped it, he dumped the rest of the cup into the sink. “How old is this stuff?”
“Not old enough to be wasted.” I would drink day old coffee in a heartbeat but Jake was a coffee snob. He wanted his beans just picked and shipped straight from the farm.
He made a fresh pot. “So what’s your plan?”
“I’m doin’ it,” I said, in the throes of a staring contest with the elf.
Jake leaned back against the counter and crossed one leg over the other. After he sipped his freshly made coffee, he said, “I think you’re gonna lose this one, babe.”
I broke eye contact with the elf and established it with my husband. “Do you know how hard it is to win a staring contest with a doll? Even one that’s mobile?”
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