by Lara Swann
She’s standing up straight, with a confidence and determination that I’ve seen before - but never quite so strong, or directed at me like this - and even though her attitude is entirely calm and collected about this, I can’t help the way a half-smile tugs at the corners of my mouth on seeing it.
This is exactly the kind of attitude I was hoping she’d start taking on in this role, and even if this was provoked by my attitude earlier - for all the wrong reasons - I still feel a warm glow of pride as I see it and for some reason, it immediately makes her suggestion more palatable too. Well, that and the fact I’ve been reconsidering my response all day, I guess.
“You’re right.” I say simply, and watch as she blinks in surprise, obviously having expected a fight. “I overreacted earlier and I’ve been trying to think of how to apologize for it since. I should have taken what you said as an idea that you were looking for feedback on, not a request for me to grant. You’re right, we’re both partners here now and it’s natural for us to have different projects we might be working on. So long as this doesn’t increase my workload significantly or put daily life at the practice under strain, I don’t have any other concerns and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.”
She pauses and it seems to take her a moment to process what I’ve said.
“Oh. Well…okay then. Thank you.” Her brow is scrunched up, and it almost makes me laugh.
I smile at her. “Really. I am sorry about earlier. I…wasn’t in the best frame of mind, and I didn’t really think about it before I said no. I haven’t considered participating in conferences before - but if you want to, you should definitely go ahead.”
She raises a hand to the back of her head, some of the stiffness in her posture relaxing as she returns my smile.
“No, that’s okay. I’m just glad this was easier than I thought it would be…I wasn’t relishing the idea of having an argument and then heading back to spend the evening trying to ignore it at yours.”
I grimace slightly at that image. That’s exactly what I don’t want to become a problem between us.
“Hopefully that won’t be something we have to deal with” I say. “Though I don’t want it to stop us from having any conversations we need to here. I’m trying to keep it all as separate as possible.”
“Me too.” Jessica shrugs. “As you say, hopefully that works out. We’ve been professional enough so far.”
“That’s true.” I smile, and then add in a lighter tone. “I’m glad you came back to talk about it though - especially with this attitude. It’s good to see you’re getting to grips with your new role. But then…you always were a fast learner.”
She laughs. “I thought for sure you were going to be angry about it - figured you’d probably start regretting giving me the position.”
“Not at all.” I shake my head. “It’s what you need for the job you’re doing now.”
“Well, I guess it’s made me take real ownership of this project. I’m not sure I would have done that otherwise.”
I nod. “It’s really good to see, Jessica. Despite how I responded earlier, your passion for it was obvious - and really did leave an impression.”
In fact, I’m not sure I’ve been able to get that out of my head.
There’s something about seeing her with that spark in her eyes, her usually calm face animated and full of excitement. I think I’ve seen that more over the last couple of weeks than I have in all the time I’ve known her, too, and it really brings her to life.
“I’ll try my best to live up to that.”
“If you need any help, do let me know. I might be a bit stretched at the moment, but you have my support - I promise.”
“Thanks Nathan.” She says, then her brow furrows slightly. “Is it just balancing things between the practice and the case? Or is there something else too?”
I sigh. She’s even better at picking up on that now that she’s living with me too - and it’s true, the case hasn’t required anything major of me for a while, it’s just been ticking along in the background.
“Stephanie is finally back in town.” I finally admit, leaning back against my desk and setting my hands on the edge of it, mostly to stop them from balling into fists. “And she’s insisting on visiting Emma.”
“Oh.” Jessica’s face twists up. “Shit.”
“Yeah. It wouldn’t be a totally unreasonable request, but with all the shit going on right now with the case and everything she’s doing, I don’t know how I’m going to control myself seeing her and in front of Emma.”
“Do you have to let her? You can’t just wait until the case is done?”
“That won’t be for another few months - we don’t even have a court date yet - and George told me that denying visitation would likely cripple my case.”
“Damn, I’m sorry, Nathan.” She says, her expression softening with concern as she comes to stand next to me, reaching out to squeeze my arm in sympathy - something that a few weeks ago probably would have felt strange, but now is oddly reassuring. “I feel bad now for bothering you with all of this—”
“Don’t be.” I say quickly, tilting my head to glance at her. “If anything, it should be a welcome distraction. I was just in a foul mood.”
“Understandably.” She mutters, then sighs. “If there’s anything I can do, Nathan, you know I’m always—”
“You’re already helping.” I say, meeting her gaze and feeling surprised at the warmth that fills me as I do, my voice lowering as I continue. “You’re doing more to help with this case than anyone else, Jess - and not just with the marriage. I think having you around at the moment is making all the difference.”
Her gaze drops, and there’s a slight flush in her cheeks as she nods, almost diffidently.
“I’m glad.” She says quietly, before finally meeting my gaze again. “And I’m always here for that.”
We look at each other for a long moment and it takes a while before I finally tear my eyes away from hers - and longer still to remember what I was doing before she came in. Instead, I stay in the office for a while after she’s left, in a half-daze of different feelings I can’t possibly sort out.
Chapter Eight
Nathan
“S o today…” I say, bouncing Emma on my knee and building up the announcement, the way I always do when I want her to pay attention. “…we’re going to see your Mommy.”
She blinks up at me, still half-giggling at the familiar motion, but her brow furrows.
“My Mommy?”
“Yeah.” I repeat, keeping my voice gentle and encouraging. “Your Mommy.”
I try not to let any of my tension show as I wait, internally holding my breath, to see how she reacts to that.
“Oh.” She’s still holding my hands, her fingers clasping at them as I stop the motion with my legs and let her come closer. “Who’s my Mommy?”
“Well…her name is Stephanie and…” I try to work out what I can say, and how to keep it appropriate. I’m not too surprised at the question. Stephanie left while Emma was still a baby, so there’s no reason for her to remember her. “…she’s got long, black hair—”
“Like me?” Emma asks, tugging on her own thick locks.
I can’t help smiling, even with everything else, and I ruffle the top of her head.
“Yes, munchkin, like you.” I say. “So, your Mommy would very much like to see you today—”
“Where is she?” Emma asks, drawing her words out in the way she does when she’s puzzling through something.
I know I’m lucky in some ways - Emma is still young enough that she hasn’t started asking, and I guess wondering, where her Mom is - but it’s still hard to have this conversation. It’s not easy for me to talk about Stephanie in a calm or child-friendly way at the moment, and I’m worried about saying something wrong or introducing the concept in a way that might make upset Emma. I must have spent hours looking up the best way to approach this subject on the internet last night - all the while
knowing that’s mixed advice at best.
You should have started talking to a child psychologist when Stephanie left. Now suddenly feels too little, too late.
“She’s waiting for us at the park.” I say tentatively.
“Oh.” Emma crawls over my legs, settling herself on my lap in a way that lets her look up at me.
“So, shall we go to the park and meet your Mommy?”
“Okay.” Emma says, and I hope that’s going to be the end of it - but of course it isn’t.
I get her all ready to go, packing the usual bag I take around with us, full of her favorite snacks, a change of clothes and plenty of baby wipes - but as soon as I’ve got her settled in the car, the questions start. She’s in that phase anyway, and I guess this is too big a topic for anything else.
“Where does Mommy live, Daddy?”
“Well, right now she lives on the other side of town. Near Daddy’s work. But for a long time, she was away in another country, and that’s why she hasn’t been able to see you.”
“Why was she away?”
I hesitate, but I promised myself I’d answer her questions as best as I can, without adding any of my own biases. I have no idea what’s going to happen with all this, but however difficult it is for me, if it’s possible then I want Emma to have the chance to have a good relationship with her Mom.
“Well, she had some grown-up things that she had to do for a while.”
“Oh.” Emma considers that for a moment, and I hope that’s the end of it, but then she continues. “Why doesn’t Mommy live with us?”
“Because…Mommy and Daddy decided not to live together.”
That’s not really an answer, but I breathe a sigh of relief as she seems to accept it and we pull up in the park, putting an end to the stream of questions. I should probably be grateful she’s curious, I guess, and that she seems willing to go along with all this.
It probably helps that even if she doesn’t know her Mom, the concept that it’s normal for her to have one seems fairly ingrained.
“Okay, munchkin, lets do this.” I say, getting her out of the car and unfolding the stroller from the back.
“I don’t want that!” She scowls at it. “I can walk!”
“I know, sweetie, but you might want it later. If you get tired.”
“I won’t!” She insists.
“Okay, well then, I guess I’ll just use it to carry the bag.” I say, putting the bag down on the place she usually sits.
She still gives it a suspicious look, but doesn’t object again as I take her hand and we walk further into the park. It’s slow going, but I’m secretly grateful that she prefers to be active. Maybe one day I will be able to leave the stroller behind.
I see Stephanie waiting before she notices us, and I can’t stop the surge of adrenaline that races through me. I can feel myself tensing, but I take a deep breath and try to force myself to relax. I remind myself firmly that whatever she’s doing at the moment, I want her to have some kind of relationship with Emma. I want that for my little girl.
“Stephanie.” I say as we approach, drawing her attention away from her phone.
For a long moment, we just look at each other, and her expression is completely unreadable.
Stiff. Disinterested. Apathetic. Disdainful.
I know I’m just filling that blank in with my deliberately-negative interpretation, but still.
“Hi.” I say eventually, far too conscious of Emma beside me.
“Hello Nathan.” Her voice is as carefully nondescript as mine, and I almost want to sigh. This isn’t even meant to be about us.
“Emma…” I start instead, looking down at my daughter. The reason I’m here. I crouch down beside her, looking from her to Stephanie. “This is your Mommy.”
That’s enough for Stephanie to seem able to pull herself away from whatever stew of emotions she’s caught up in on seeing me, and she finally looks down at Emma. Our daughter. Her daughter. To my relief - albeit punctuated by a burst of resentment too - her face immediately lights up in a smile, and she crouches down to Emma’s level too.
“Hello, Emma.” She says, in a far more enthusiastic tone than she greeted me with. “It’s me. Mommy.”
Emma looks back at me, twisting her body and fidgeting in the way she does when she’s unsure.
“Hi.” She says after a moment, her voice quiet and shy.
“You’ve gotten so big!” Stephanie says, still smiling widely - and she genuinely does seem enamored with our little girl. That both helps and makes things worse all at the same time.
Emma doesn’t say anything else, still looking between Stephanie and I, and I step in to try to ease things between them.
“Your Mommy would like to join us while we play in the park today, Emma. Would you like that?”
I can tell from the look Stephanie shoots me that she doesn’t exactly appreciate that phrasing, but screw that. This is new and confusing enough for Emma as it is and I’m going to make it as easy as possible for my daughter, not Stephanie’s sense of entitlement.
I look at Emma expectantly and after a few moments she slowly nods.
“Okay.” She looks up at Stephanie again, who smiles back at her.
“I’d like that too.” Stephanie says. “What do you usually do at the park, Emma?”
“Sand box.” Emma murmurs, but she’s started looking at Stephanie a little more now, and I can tell she’s curious - if shy.
“The sand box is my favorite thing.” Stephanie says encouragingly, and I have to give her that. I’m glad she’s trying. “Shall we go there now?”
Emma nods again, and Stephanie holds out her hand to Emma.
“Do you want to show me where it is?” She asks.
Emma looks back at me, but I nod with an encouraging smile. I’ve cautioned her enough times about going with strangers - which is what Stephanie is to her right now - and I’m glad it’s paid off…even if it does seem to irritate my ex. If she actually thought about it, she’d be glad.
I let Stephanie and Emma walk together, and take up Emma’s other side with the stroller, trying to relax a bit. Seeing Stephanie still feels a little like a punch to the gut, and if I dwell on it too much I know the simmering resentment of the case could easily boil over, but focusing on Emma helps. Maybe, if we both just think concentrate on Emma, we’ll get through today without too many issues.
The sand box turns out to be a good way to start. As Emma starts playing - and making all kinds of mess - she relaxes and it’s easy for Stephanie to join in. At first I join in just as much - at Emma’s insistence and to the occasional frustrated look from Stephanie - but I do try to fade into the background as Emma becomes more comfortable. As strange as it makes me feel to see Stephanie playing with Emma, this time is meant to be about them and I want there to be space for that.
It’s hard though, and seeing them together - with the three of us sort-of playing together - it’s difficult not to think about the family I thought we’d be, once upon a time. The one that we’re definitely not - that I wouldn’t want, not now that I know Stephanie a whole lot better than I once did - but there’s still something inside me that aches for it anyway. Not for her, but for the family this trip is a mockery of. The echo of the life I thought I’d have, all the hope and ambitions that turned to dust the moment Stephanie walked out.
Family. A real one. I haven’t thought about that…for a long time.
I try to quell the sudden sadness inside me, but it’s hard…and it only gets worse the more they play and laugh together.
From there, we take a break so that I can give Emma a couple of snacks and a drink, as well as clean her up a little.
“I could do that, you know.” Stephanie puts in, as I’m helping Emma with her food.
“I think it’s best if I do, for now.” I say, trying to keep my tone even, but it’s hard not to let the skepticism in. She doesn’t seem to get that she can’t go from non-existent to perfect mother just like that, and i
f I let it, it could drive me crazy.
After that, Emma graciously accepts the offer to sit in her stroller and we go to feed the ducks - the next activity on our usual trip to the park. As we do, Stephanie comes up beside me.
“You and your need to control everything.” She mutters. “You don’t have to be here too, you know. I’m perfectly capable of looking after Emma myself.”
My hands grip the stroller tighter, but I do my best to keep my tone even - for Emma’s sake, if nothing else.
“As far as she remembers, this is the first time she’s ever met you. Of course I’m not going to just leave her with you unsupervised - and if you thought about it, you’d want it this way. She’s far more relaxed knowing I’m around too.” I say, then my voice drops to a mutter. “Besides, with what you’re pulling at the moment, I wouldn’t put it past you to abscond with her if I turn my back.”
Her eyes flash as she looks back at me, her voice taking on a disdainful edge.
“I hardly need to do that - it won’t be long before she’s where she belongs anyway.” Stephanie gives me a cool glance and I have to stop myself from jerking the stroller as anger flashes through me.
“You seem very sure of that.” I say, the words spilling out in a harsh tone before I can help it, and I take a moment to remind myself firmly that I’ve got a good chance now. She doesn’t have the advantage she thinks - and I’m suddenly glad that I decided not to wear my wedding ring this morning, so she doesn’t know anything about that.
It was something I debated for a while, worrying that if I didn’t then she might be able to use it as some kind of proof that Jessica and I aren’t really married when it comes up in court, but in the end I decided that the entire reason I wanted to take it off - to avoid a huge scene the first time my daughter meets her estranged Mom again - was valid regardless of how real the marriage is.
