by Linda Howard
Quietly she closed the door, shutting out the sound of rain. The silent house enclosed her, an empty reminder of the shambles of her life.
Her jaw clenched as she ground her teeth together, but she didn’t cry. Her eyes remained dry. She couldn’t afford to waste her time or strength indulging in useless tears. Somehow she had to hold on to the ranch, repay that debt, and hold off John Rafferty… .
The last would be the hardest of all, because she’d be fighting against herself. She didn’t want to hold him off; she wanted to creep into his iron-muscled arms and feel them close around her. She wanted to feed her hunger for him, touch him as she’d never allowed herself to do, immerse herself in the man. Guilt arose in her throat, almost choking her. She’d married another man wanting John, loving John, obsessed with John; somehow Roger, her ex-husband, had sensed it, and his jealousy had turned their marriage into a nightmare.
Her mind burned with the memories, and to distract herself she walked briskly into the kitchen and prepared dinner for one; in this case, a bowl of cornflakes in milk. It was also what she’d had for breakfast, but her nerves were too raw to permit any serious cooking. She was actually able to eat half of the bowlful of cereal before she suddenly dropped the spoon and buried her face in her hands.
All her life she’d been a princess, the darling, pampered apple of her parents’ eyes, born to them when they were both nearing forty and had given up hope of ever having children. Her mother had been a gentle, vague person who had passed straight from her father’s keeping into that of her husband, and thought that a woman’s role in life was to provide a comfortable, loving home for her husband, who supported her. It wasn’t an unusual outlook for her generation, and Michelle didn’t fault her mother for it. Langley Cabot had protected and spoiled both his wife and his daughter; that was the way life was supposed to be, and it was a source of pride to him that he supported them very well indeed. When her mother died, Michelle had become the recipient of all that protective devotion. Langley had wanted her to have the best of everything; he had wanted her to be happy, and to his way of thinking he had failed as a father and provider if she weren’t.
In those days Michelle had been content to let her father shower her with gifts and luxuries. Her life had been humming along just as she had always expected, until the day Langley had turned her world upside down by selling the Connecticut house where she’d grown up, and moved her down to a cattle ranch in central Florida, not far from the Gulf coast. For the first time in her life, Langley had been unmoved by her pleas. The cattle ranch was his dream come true, the answer to some deeply buried need in him that had been hidden under silk shirts, pin-striped suits and business appointments. Because he’d wanted it so badly, he had ignored Michelle’s tears and tantrums and jovially assured her that before long she’d have new friends and would love the ranch as much as he did.
In that, he was partially right. She made new friends, gradually became accustomed to the heat, and even enjoyed life on a working cattle ranch. Langley had completely remodeled the old ranch house when he’d bought it, to ensure that his beloved daughter wasn’t deprived in any way of the comfort she was accustomed to. So she’d adjusted, and even gone out of her way to assure him of her contentment. He deserved his dream, and she had felt ashamed that she’d tried to talk him out of it. He did so much to make her happy, the least she could do was return as much of the effort as she could.
Then she’d met John Rafferty. She couldn’t believe that she’d spent ten years running from him, but it was true. She’d hated him and feared him and loved him all at once, with a teenager’s wildly passionate obsession, but she had always seen one thing very clearly: he was more than she could handle. She had never daydreamed of being the one woman who could tame the rake; she was far too vulnerable to him, and he was too strong. He might take her and use her, but she wasn’t woman enough to hold him. She was spoiled and pampered; he didn’t even like her. In self-defense, she had devoted herself to making him dislike her even more to make certain he never made a move on her.
She had gone to an exclusive women’s college back east, and after graduation had spent a couple of weeks with a friend who lived in Philadelphia. During that visit she’d met Roger Beckman, scion of one of the oldest and richest families in town. He was tall and black haired, and he even had a trim mustache. His resemblance to John was slight, except for those points, and Michelle couldn’t say that she had consciously married Roger because he reminded her of John, but she was very much afraid that subconsciously she had done exactly that.
Roger was a lot of fun. He had a lazy manner about him, his eyes wrinkled at the edges from smiling so much, and he loved organized crazy games, like scavenger hunts. In his company Michelle could forget about John and simply have fun. She was genuinely fond of Roger, and came to love him as much as she would ever love any man who wasn’t John Rafferty. The best thing she could do was forget about John, put him behind her, and get on with her life. After all, there had never been anything between them except her own fantasies, and Roger absolutely adored her. So she had married him, to the delight of both her father and his parents.
It was a mistake that had almost cost her her life.
At first everything had been fine. Then Roger had begun to show signs of jealousy whenever Michelle was friendly to another man. Had he sensed that she didn’t love him as she should? That he owned only the most superficial part of her heart? Guilt ate at her even now, because Roger’s jealousy hadn’t been groundless. He hadn’t been able to find the true target, so he’d lashed out whenever she smiled at any man, danced with any man.
The scenes had gotten worse, and one night he’d actually slapped her during a screaming fight after a party; she’d made the mistake of speaking to the same man twice while they raided the buffet table. Shocked, her face burning, Michelle had stared at her husband’s twisted features and realized that his jealousy had driven him out of control. For the first time, she was afraid of him.
His action had shocked Roger, too, and he’d buried his face in her lap, clinging to her as he wept and begged her forgiveness. He’d sworn never to hurt her again; he’d said he would rather cut off his own hands than hurt her. Shaken to the core, Michelle did what thousands of women did when their husbands turned on them: she forgave him.
But it wasn’t the last time. Instead, it got worse.
Michelle had been too ashamed and shocked to tell anyone, but finally she couldn’t take any more and pressed charges against him. To her horror, his parents quietly bought off everyone involved, and Michelle was left without a legal leg to stand on, all evidence destroyed. Come hell or high water, the Beckmans would protect their son.
Finally she tried to leave him, but she had gotten no further than Baltimore before he caught up with her, his face livid with rage. It was then that Michelle realized he wasn’t quite sane; his jealousy had pushed him over the edge. Holding her arm in a grip that left bruises for two weeks, he made the threat that kept her with him for the next two years: if she left him again, he’d have her father killed.
She hadn’t doubted him, nor did she doubt that he’d get away with it; he was too well protected by his family’s money and prestige, by a network of old family friends in the law business. So she’d stayed, terrified that he might kill her in one of his rages, but not daring to leave. No matter what, she had to protect her father.
But finally she found a way to escape. Roger had beaten her with a belt one night. But his parents had been in Europe on vacation, and by the time they found out about the incident it was too late to use their influence. Michelle had crept out of the house, gone to a hospital where her bruises and lacerations were treated and recorded, and she’d gotten copies of the records. Those records had bought her a divorce.
The princess would carry the scars to her grave.
Chapter Three
THE TELEPHONE RANG as Michelle was nursing her
second cup of coffee, watching the sun come up and preparing herself for another day of chores that seemed to take more and more out of her. Dark circles lay under her heavy-lidded eyes, testimony to hours of twisting restlessly in bed while her mind insisted on replaying every word John had said, every sensation his mouth and hands had evoked. His reputation was well earned, she had thought bitterly in the early hours. Lady-killer. His touch was burningly tender, but he was hell on his women anyway.
She didn’t want to answer the phone, but she knew John well enough to know he never gave up once he set his mind on something. He’d be back, and she knew it. If that was him on the telephone, he’d come over if she didn’t answer. She didn’t feel up to dealing with him in person, so she picked up the receiver and muttered a hello.
“Michelle, darling.”
She went white, her fingers tightening on the receiver. Had she conjured him up by thinking about him the night before? She tried not to think of him, to keep him locked in the past, but sometimes the nightmare memories surfaced, and she felt again the terror of being so alone and helpless, with no one she could trust to come to her aid, not even her father.
“Roger,” she said faintly. There was no doubt. No one but her ex-husband said her name in that caressing tone, as if he adored her.
His voice was low, thick. “I need you, darling. Come back to me, please. I’m begging. I promise I’ll never hurt you again. I’ll treat you like a princess—”
“No,” she gasped, groping for a chair to support her shaking legs. Cold horror made her feel sick. How could he even suggest that she come back?
“Don’t say that, please,” he groaned. “Michelle, Mother and Dad are dead. I need you now more than ever. I thought you’d come for their funeral last week, but you stayed away, and I can’t stand it any longer. If you’ll just come back I swear everything will be different—”
“We’re divorced,” she broke in, her voice thin with strain. Cold sweat trickled down her spine.
“We can be remarried. Please, darling—”
“No!” The thought of being remarried to him filled her with so much revulsion that she couldn’t even be polite. Fiercely she struggled for control. “I’m sorry about your parents; I didn’t know. What happened?”
“Plane crash.” Pain still lingered in his hoarse voice. “They were flying up to the lake and got caught in a storm.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again, but even if she’d known in time to attend the funeral, she never would have gone. She would never willingly be in Roger’s presence again.
He was silent a moment, and she could almost see him rub the back of his neck in the unconscious nervous gesture she’d seen so many times. “Michelle, I still love you. Nothing’s any good for me without you. I swear, it won’t be the same as it was; I’ll never hurt you again. I was just so damned jealous, and I know now I didn’t have any reason.”
But he did! she thought, squeezing her eyes shut as guilt seeped in to mix with the raw terror evoked by simply hearing his voice. Not physically, but had there been any day during the past ten years when she hadn’t thought of John Rafferty? When part of her hadn’t been locked away from Roger and every other man because they weren’t the heartbreaker who’d stolen her heart?
“Roger, don’t,” she whispered. “It’s over. I’ll never come back. All I want to do now is work this ranch and make a living for myself.”
He made a disgusted sound. “You shouldn’t be working that dinky little ranch! You’re used to much better than that. I can give you anything you want.”
“No,” she said softly. “You can’t. I’m going to hang up now. Goodbye, and please don’t call me again.” Very gently she replaced the receiver, then stood by the phone with her face buried in her hands. She couldn’t stop trembling, her mind and body reeling with the ramifications of what he’d told her. His parents were dead, and she had been counting on them to control him. That was the deal she’d made with them; if they would keep Roger away from her, she wouldn’t release the photos and medical report to the press, who would have a field day with the scandal. Imagine, a Beckman of Philadelphia nothing but a common wife-beater! That evidence had kept her father safe from Roger’s insane threats, too, and now he was forever beyond Roger’s reach. She had lived in hell to protect her father, knowing that Roger was capable of doing exactly what he’d threatened, and knowing after the first incident that his parents would make certain Roger was protected, no matter what.
She had honestly liked her in-laws until then, but her affection had died an irrevocable death when they had bought Roger out of trouble the first time he’d really hurt her. She had known their weakness then, and she had forced herself to wait. There was no one to help her; she had only herself. Once she had been desperate enough to mention it to her father, but he’d become so upset that she hadn’t pushed it, and in only a moment he’d convinced himself that she’d been exaggerating. Marriage was always an adjustment, and Michelle was spoiled, highly strung. Probably it was just an argument over some minor thing, and the young couple would work things out.
The cold feeling of aloneness had spread through her, but she hadn’t stopped loving him. He loved her, she knew he did, but he saw her as more of a doll than a human being. His perfect, loving darling. He couldn’t accept such ugliness in her life. She had to be happy, or it would mean he’d failed her in some basic way as a father, protector and provider. For his own sake, he had to believe she was happy. That was his weakness, so she had to be strong for both of them. She had to protect him, and she had to protect herself.
There was no way she would ever go back to Roger. She had dealt with the nightmares and put them behind her; she had picked up the pieces of her life and gone on, not letting the memories turn her into a frightened shell. But the memories, and the fear, were still there, and all it took was hearing Roger’s voice to make her break out in a cold sweat. The old feeling of vulnerability and isolation swept over her, making her feel sick.
She jerked around, wrenching herself from the spell, and dashed what was left of her coffee down the drain. The best thing was to be active, to busy herself with whatever came to hand. That was the way she’d handled it when she had finally managed to get away from Roger, globe-trotting for two years because her father had thought that would take her mind off the divorce, and she had let the constant travel distract her. Now she had real work to do, work that left her exhausted and aching but was somehow healing, because it was the first worthwhile work she’d ever done.
IT HAD BEEN eating at him all morning.
He’d been in a bad mood from the moment he’d gotten out of bed, his body aching with frustration, as if he were some randy teenager with raging hormones. He was a long way from being a teenager, but his hormones were giving him hell, and he knew exactly why. He hadn’t been able to sleep for remembering the way she’d felt against him, the sweetness of her taste and the silky softness of her body. And she wanted him, too; he was too experienced to be mistaken about something like that. But he’d pushed too hard, driven by ten years of having an itch he couldn’t scratch, and she’d balked. He’d put her in the position of paying him with her body, and she hadn’t liked that. What woman would? Even the ones who were willing usually wanted a pretty face put on it, and Michelle was haughtier than most.
But she hadn’t looked haughty the day before. His frown grew darker. She had tried, but the old snooty coldness was missing. She was dead broke and had nowhere to turn. Perhaps she was scared, wondering what she was going to do without the cushion of money that had always protected her. She was practically helpless, having no job skills or talents other than social graces, which weren’t worth a hell of a lot on the market. She was all alone on that ranch, without the people to work it.
He made a rough sound and pulled his horse’s head around. “I’ll be back later,” he told Nev, nudging the horse’s flanks with his boot heels.
Nev watched him ride away. “Good riddance,” he muttered. Whatever was chewing on the boss had put him in the worst mood Nev had ever seen; it would be a relief to work without him.
John’s horse covered the distance with long, easy strides; it was big and strong, seventeen hands high, and inclined to be a bit stubborn, but they had fought that battle a long time ago. Now the animal accepted the mastery of the iron-muscled legs and strong, steady hands of his rider. The big horse liked a good run, and he settled into a fast, smooth rhythm as they cut across pastures, his pounding hooves sending clods of dirt flying.
The more John thought about it, the less he liked it. She’d been trying to work that ranch by herself. It didn’t fit in with what he knew of Michelle, but her fragile hands bore the marks. He had nothing but contempt for someone who disdained good honest work and expected someone else to do it for them, but something deep and primitive inside him was infuriated at the idea of Michelle even trying to manage the backbreaking chores around the ranch. Damn it, why hadn’t she asked for help? Work was one thing, but no one expected her to turn into a cowhand. She wasn’t strong enough; he’d held her in his arms, felt the delicacy of her bones, the greyhound slenderness of her build. She didn’t need to be working cattle any more than an expensive thoroughbred should be used to plow a field. She could get hurt, and it might be days before anyone found her. He’d always been disgusted with Langley for spoiling and protecting her, and with Michelle for just sitting back and accepting it as her due, but suddenly he knew just how Langley had felt. He gave a disgusted snort at himself, making the horse flick his ears back curiously at the sound, but the hard fact was that he didn’t like the idea of Michelle’s trying to work that ranch. It was a man’s work, and more than one man, at that.
