by Nicola May
‘Getting drunk isn’t going to help, you know.’
Lucas reared up. ‘Look at Miss Sobriety here. And who are you to fucking judge?’ He gave a disgusted exclamation. ‘And what’s that stink in here?’
‘Hot was sick – and whoa there, mister, I was only trying to help.’
This wasn’t the time to tell Lucas of her decision not to drink, nor of her pregnancy. Rosa actually felt secretly pleased that she now had a valid excuse not to drink without having to explain herself. It was amazing how many people found it a problem that she didn’t drink any more.
Lucas shut his eyes and rested his head back on the sofa. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m thirty years old and an orphan. Rosa, do you have any idea how that feels?’
‘Well, if you want an honest answer, I didn’t even know who my mum was for twenty odd years. And I still don’t know who my dad is or if he’s even alive.’
‘Trust you to trump me.’ Lucas managed a brief smile.
‘I’m sorry, this isn’t about me. That was heartless.’
‘It’s just so shit.’ Lucas bit his lip. ‘It’s as if that storm you had down here has come back and ripped out a piece of me. If ever I’ve felt this bad about anything, who would I have turned to? My mum.’ At the word ‘mum’ he started sobbing again. ‘And I can’t believe I’m being such a dick in front of you.’ He blubbered, ‘But I literally feel like I have a pain in my heart.’
Rosa sat next to him on the sofa, tears forming in her own eyes. ‘Oh Luke, there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better, I know. But I’m so pleased you are getting it out. Grieve, just grieve. Shout, scream, run, whatever it takes. It’s so raw but it will get better, it always does, whatever it is.’ She paused. ‘When Mary was grieving for Queenie, I tried to find ways to comfort her. I found a quote from CS Lewis, which said “No one ever told me that grief felt like fear”. She agreed. Said it was like standing at the top of a cliff and looking out to sea but there was no horizon. There was a vast empty hole inside of her, and she had no idea how she was going to fill it. She was in absolute despair, wondering how she could carry on without such a huge part of her life being there ever again.’
Lucas sniffed. ‘That’s it – it’s the forever bit I’m not coping with. I do feel fear because I know I’ll never see Mum again – and when I think of that, then I panic. How can I not ever see, hear or touch her again? How can I carry on knowing that she is not there to turn to?’
‘Oh Lucas, you will cope, and you’ll have to. It’s horrific now but this intensity will pass. Think back to your dad passing – you got through that OK.’
‘But I had Mum to help me then,’ he replied brokenly.
Rosa wasn’t sure how she could answer that one. The death of a loved one was without doubt horrendous. And she was grateful she had never had to suffer it to this extreme. She could physically feel Lucas’s pain, he was so awash with it.
‘I’m bloody skint too,’ he went on. ‘I’ve had things on my mind…not been concentrating on work. I really do need to sort myself out.’
‘Do you want to borrow some money? I mean like a hundred quid or something?’
‘Don’t be silly.’
‘Here.’ Rosa reached for her handbag and handed him some notes. ‘Take this. The last thing you need to be worrying about at a time like this is money. At least you can buy some fags or something.’
‘Tom’s going to lend me some later, it’s fine.’
‘Please – just take it.’
Rosa being so kind to him was almost too much to bear. Lucas tried to get a grip and not break down again. ‘You’re such a doll.’ He shoved the money in his jeans pocket. ‘And that wasn’t the reason I came here.’
‘For God’s sake, Luke, I know that. Us East Enders, we look out for each other, don’t we?’ Rosa put her hand on his and then on feeling the same spark of lust she had felt when she had very first met him, quickly pulled it away.
At that point, Hot, realising his doggie sympathy was falling on deaf ears, trotted back to his bed in the corner of the lounge and stuck his head under the blanket.
‘I’m even boring Mr Sausage.’ Lucas attempted another smile, his voice calmer now. ‘Look, I’m sorry, Rosa. I just felt compelled to come and see you, to thank you.’ He went to get up.
‘Will you stop saying sorry! And sit back down, it’s fine. I’m just glad that I was there for your mum when she needed someone.’
‘And I’m just so grateful that you phoned me and left me that message. I was actually going to come down and face everything at Christmas, so thank God you got in touch as I would have been too late.’ He ran a hand across his eyes, muttering, ‘This is so shit. It’s not fair.’
‘Life isn’t fair, is it, Luke. I’m lucky that I’ve only had Queenie die on me. She was so old it was like the passage of time was right with her. I miss her but I also never got to know her that well. Whereas this is your mum, Luke. I don’t think the umbilical cord is ever truly cut, whether our mums are alive or dead. This is the hardcore of losses. It’s not going to be an easy ride. But I do know that everyone who has lost someone close does bring out the old “time is a healer” cliché.’
She moved closer to the grieving man beside her. ‘Come here.’ Without thinking of the past between them, with just the sheer power of compassion towards another human being, one who was so broken and lost, Rosa hugged Lucas tightly to her. Melting into her and without conscious thought Lucas lifted his head to kiss her on the lips. Catching the look in his eyes for a split second, she jumped up. Her voice was breathy. ‘We can’t, not again, Luke. Not ever again.’
Luke jumped up too and headed towards the balcony door. ‘I…er…’ His face was pained. ‘Shit, Rosa. I was going to say I’m sorry again, but I’m not. Time may be a healer, but how long does it take to get over a broken heart? Why do you think I kept away from the Bay for so long? Why?’ With that he pulled open the door and tore down the spiral stairs causing a crumpled envelope to fall out of his back pocket and land on the bottom step.
CHAPTER 26
‘So, are you going to come back for fireworks weekend?’ Rosa was chopping mushrooms and peppers for an omelette while talking to Josh on FaceTime. The iPad was propped up against the kettle in the kitchen.
‘You should be one of those Instagram cooks,’ Josh replied instead. ‘You look very fetching in that little outfit. In fact, I can’t wait to get my hands on you again. Pull it down a bit…yes, that’s right. Ooh, being apart from you is killing me, Rosa.’
Rosa did a little shuffle of her naked cleavage right up close to the screen. ‘They are getting bigger by the day,’ she said proudly, ‘now that baby Smith has started growing inside me. I’m loving it!’
Josh sighed. ‘Not as much as me. Anyway, put the knife down and pay attention as I’ve got good news and bad news for you.’
‘Hit me with it. Bad first.’
‘I’m not going to be back for the fireworks weekend.’
‘Oh Josh! You–’
‘Your mother will be happy at least.’
‘Oh yeah! I had forgotten her heebie-jeebie goings-on around you not coming back until after the fireworks.’
‘Don’t be annoyed, Rosa, just hear me out. The reason I’m not coming back is because…the good news is that the project is going to be finished earlier, so I will be home for good on the sixth of December at the very latest. It could even be a week before.’
‘Yeah! OK, that’s brilliant. I’d rather you were back earlier. You can help me with Christmas stock, as I don’t want to lift too much now. Oh great, it also means you’ll be here for my three-months scan too. I’ve been to the doctor and all my appointments and stuff have been set up and I am very healthy, I’ll have you know.’
‘Great, and yes, please don’t do anything silly, like lifting heavy boxes. I know what you’re like. Have you told anyone yet?’
‘No, I wanted to see if you minded if I did first. It’s usually after the scan you tel
l people, but sod it, all these silly life rules. I want everyone to know.’
‘That’s so sweet. I don’t mind at all. My mum will be beside herself; I know it’s not her first grandchild, but she just loves a new baby in the family.’
‘Josh?’
‘Yes? What’s up? The way you said that sounded ominous.’
‘You know I helped Sheila, before she died?’
‘Yes.’
‘Lucas came around to thank me. I just wanted to be honest with you.’
‘Rosa, it’s OK. Did he stay long?’
‘No, about an hour. He was obviously very upset and as I was the first to get to Sheila, he just wanted to find out what she had said.’ That wasn’t quite true, and saying it, Rosa wondered why, in fact, Luke hadn’t asked what his mother had been saying. But she was quickly learning that grief is a wild monster. And when in its grip, logical thought went out of the window.
The night of their recent meeting, Rosa had had trouble getting off to sleep. Thoughts were whirring around her mind about what she should do with regard to Lucas’s outburst. Was it really her, Rosa, who had broken his heart? And if so, did she really want to get into a conversation with him now about it? It was then she recalled what Sheila had said about her son loving her. Now that she was so happy and settled with Josh, to Rosa it all seemed too little, too late. Nearly a year later, in the cold, sober light of day, for the first time she began to think about her relationship, if you could call it that, with Lucas Hannafore. There had been an instant attraction and he had always been so cocksure – ‘cock’ being the operative word – and he had never demonstrated anything more than wanting her purely for sex.
Or had he shown more? She had been so drunk on that night last December, when they’d spent time at his client’s swish holiday home, that she would probably have done anything he wanted, yet not only had he not taken advantage of her but he had also got her home and into bed safely. And afterwards, he had made sure that she knew that nothing had happened between them, so that she wouldn’t be worried. Then he had disappeared back to London so that she and Josh could be alone to move forward with their relationship.
She thought back to the feeling she had got when she touched his hand. The heart had a lot to answer for: it was quite clearly the circuit board to the soul. Rosa shook her curls to try and unburden herself from these thoughts and feelings.
Josh remained upbeat. ‘Of course. Well, thanks for telling me.’
‘Josh, I love you so much. There is nothing between me and Lucas, I want to make that clear.’ The thought of him moving in to kiss her and her jumping up suddenly fled through her mind too.
A brief silence, then Josh’s tone changed to a brighter one. ‘Well, I’d better let you carry on cooking up a storm. Give Hot and Bump a big kiss from me and I will see you all so very soon, my darling girl.’
As Rosa sat slowly eating her omelette, her mind became full of Lucas all over again. She examined her thoughts and found to her relief that her heart was hurting for him not because she wanted to be with him, but purely because she couldn’t imagine the heavy weight of pain that he was experiencing in losing his mother in such a sudden way. She also held the secret that his mother had deliberately thrown herself down the cellar steps. How desperate must Sheila have been, to try to take her own life like that, Rosa thought. Surely just overdosing on her extra-strong prescribed pain relief would have been far more peaceful.
It was such a sad story. Rosa thought long and hard. If it was her own mother, would she want to know the truth, to learn that her mum had wanted to end her life in such a tragic and painful way? She didn’t know the answer to that, nor did she know what to do. It wasn’t every day you were asked to keep a secret on a deathbed.
Suddenly, Rosa felt a rush go through her body; she called it her ‘spirit feeling’. The hairs on both her arms stood up. The last and only time she had been present at someone’s death was Queenie’s.
‘Of course!’ Rosa said aloud, then with the memory of her great-grandmother holding both of her hands in her dying moments, she repeated the very last words that the old woman had said to her.
‘Sometimes in life, if you don’t know what to do: do nothing, say nothing and the answer will come to you. You are blessed.’
Queenie was right, as she had so often been. Rosa would let it lie. Sometimes when a problem seemed so immediate and overwhelming, that really was the best thing to do.
CHAPTER 27
Rosa was just walking down to the café when she could feel somebody close behind her.
‘Long time no see.’ The imposing figure of Alec Burton linked arms with her. ‘I’m going to the same place as you, no doubt. Sara left her reading glasses at home. I suppose I could give them to you right now to take down, but any excuse to see her. And Brown needed a walk.’ His Labrador licked Rosa’s hand.
Rosa laughed. ‘You two. It’s like love’s young dream.’
‘Well, they do say you should pay good deeds forward, don’t they, and you certainly did that for me with Sara. I couldn’t be happier, Rosa, with you playing Cupid for us that day. I will be eternally grateful.’
‘Who’d have thought I could do something of note for you, eh?’ She was pleased.
‘Rosa, what have I said to you before? We are all equal.’
‘Well, I will be eternally grateful to you for helping me get my life back on track. So there!’ Rosa said affectionately. ‘It wasn’t until I was out of it that I realised what a dark place I’d been in. I now look at drinking so differently. It made me sad, it made me depressed and react in ways that I really didn’t want to. It was as if it took me over.’
‘You’ve done so well and it’s great to see you happy, now. How’s that tall fella of yours doing in the Big Apple anyway?’
‘Good, really good. He’s coming back sooner than I thought now, too, so I’m counting the days.’
‘That old devil “separation anxiety” not rearing its head this time then?’
‘I’ve had a couple of wobbles and nearly called you, but being sober, I seem to be able to bring myself back down – and with all the mental tools you gave me, I am able to grasp the real picture and just bash the bad thoughts out of my head.’
‘That’s brilliant. Like I’ve said, we can’t stop anyone from doing something, not if they are hell-bent on doing it. But I do know that Josh loves you so much that you should feel secure in that knowledge.’
‘I do, I do.’ Rosa paused. ‘Alec…’
‘Go on, what is it?’
‘I’m going to give you a scenario, and can we pretend you are my counsellor just for today so that I can rely on that trust, please?’
Alec stopped, unlinked arms and looked directly at her. ‘You can always rely on my trust, you know that.’ He had come to realise that he filled a fatherly role for this young woman, that her upbringing still raised feelings she couldn’t quite control and understand.
Rosa tried to sound matter-of-fact. ‘Can you be so in love with somebody and want to be with them and stay with them and create a family with them, but still have feelings for somebody else at the same time?’
‘OK.’ Alec was thoughtful for a second. ‘Well, my take on it is this. The human capacity to love is boundless, Rosa. You love your family, you love your friends, you love your pets, but there is a distinct difference between love and lust.’
‘Yeah, I know that.’
‘Hear me out though. True love tends to develop slowly, over time, as you get to know someone.’
They reached the beach. Rosa asked, ‘Can we just walk along the beach path before we go in the café?’ She was reluctant to let Alec go.
‘Of course. Come on – I can let Brown off the lead then too.’ Alec headed with her in the direction of South Cliffs. The winter waves looked grey and uninviting. Seagulls circled the empty bins and sang a tetchy lament at the lack of tourist treats at their disposal.
‘Going back to our discussion,’ he added, ‘lust,
as we know, is usually quite instant and can have a similar effect on the brain as some drugs do – and that’s because sexual-attraction hormones are released into the body. And a bit like with drugs or drink, it may all seem like a good idea at the time. But long-term, it isn’t sustainable. You know that.’
‘Yes, yes I do.’
Alec continued, ‘I always say to clients of mine, “If you are uncertain of anything, before you act on your feelings ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling here?’ And avoid making far-reaching decisions based on what could just be a passing emotion”.’
‘I love Josh so much; I would never hurt him.’
‘That’s right. If you love somebody that much, you will never intentionally hurt them. And face it, connected sex in a relationship can easily feel as good or even better than a brief encounter with a lustful stranger. And I sure as hell know what I would prefer, every time.’ The big man stopped walking and looked at her. ‘Think of that urge like having a drink. You know how to say no to that. And a good, trusting friendship with a member of the opposite sex counts for a lot too, doesn’t it? Look at us, for instance,’ and he grinned.
Rosa smiled and nodded as Alec then announced, ‘OK, I need to get these glasses to my girl, so let’s head back to the café.’
As they started walking back, he asked, ‘Did that help?’
‘Yes, it did, and I shall just add the “What am I feeling here?” question to my sanity bank. Do you know what, Dr Burton, you really are quite amazing.’ Rosa knew how lucky she was to be surrounded by such good people now. Ned, Queenie and Mary had led her to so much more than just a shop and a future down here. She now had a great network of people who really did care about her too.
