by Echo Slater
“I’m sure they’re proud she can handle my girth.”
Horse spits out his coffee and glares at me. “Don’t use the word ‘girth’ at breakfast.”
“He refuses to google the meaning of shit while he eats,” Bishop tells Ginette, who snorts.
“Ham it up, weirdoes,” Horse grumbles, “but that crazy chick is still in my house. She’ll probably burn the fucking thing to the ground and then come charging in here.”
“Normally, I could take her,” Raqui says and hands a slice of bacon to Cross. “But I’m lazy for two right now.”
“I’ll handle her,” Bishop says and winks at Horse. “I’ve been slapping girls since I was little.”
“You’re a pussy, and we know it,” Cash taunts.
“I’ll handle her,” Ginette offers. “As soon as I’m done with breakfast, I’ll mosey over with the hose and scare her off like I do the raccoons.”
Grinning, I check my vibrating phone to find a text from Cameo. I smile at the part where she misses me and then cock an eyebrow at her request.
“Well, looky here, I’ve been invited to have dinner with Cameo’s parents. Getting real official.”
“They must be absolutely horrified,” Stoney mutters. “Just imagine if it were your daughter.”
“Dude, if I have a daughter, I won’t want her fucking anyone. Doesn’t mean she’ll listen. Chicks got their own brains and shit.”
“Profound, Mad Dog,” Raqui says with her mouth full of bacon. “Grizz and I were just talking about how I have my own brain and shit.”
My president nods, but he always agrees with her in public. They keep a united front to prevent another “Yoko incident.”
“You get my meaning,” I say after chowing down on a big bite of eggs. “If I have a girl, I’ll want her locked away and kept from all the dangerous crap, such as men like me. But that’ll just make me the bad guy. You know I’m too charming to be an asshole.”
Ginette nods. “I think dinner with the parents is a good sign. It says you’re more than a slab of meat she wants to savor. Her parents wouldn’t waste time trying to scare you off if the girl was only interested in your dick.”
“Savor?” Stoney mutters at his mother. “Really?”
“A great dick is like a steak, boy. You don’t rush those experiences.”
“Is this how it’ll be now?” he asks and frowns at Horse. “More women and babies. Is that what you want?”
“Why are you busting my balls? I’m trying to get rid of a woman, not bring more to the Ranch.”
“Ungrateful,” Raqui says, wagging her index finger in each of our faces. “You’re lucky to have Ginette, Dexy, and me.”
“Why are you busting my balls?” I say, sounding like Horse. “I’m the one adding a woman to the Ranch. You should wag your finger at those ungrateful shitheads.”
Raqui glares at the rest of them before returning to feeding Cross.
“I’d get married tomorrow if I could find the right gal,” Cash claims, completely full of shit. “I’m lonely, dontcha know?”
“Lies,” Raqui hisses, and Cross shakes his head at lying Cash.
Bishop taps the table. “I had a woman, but she got scared off by you losers.”
“Well, I’m okay with that,” Raqui says, turning off her bitchiness. “I didn’t really care for her. She was too stupid to complete a conversation with.”
“Yeah, she’d just wander away midsentence,” Cash adds.
Raqui glares at the sleepy blond who forgot to brush his hair before breakfast. “Don’t help me, Fibber.”
“Grizz, your woman’s sprung a bitch leak.”
“Don’t use the word ‘bitch’ when speaking about my woman,” our president growls with great intensity.
“Yes, sir,” Cash says, laughing at Grizz’s scowling face. “But I wasn’t wrong. You best give her more attention to fix that leak.”
Raqui can’t tell if she likes Cash’s suggestion enough to overlook why he’s offering it. In the end, she focuses on me.
“Wear a simple white T-shirt when you meet her family. You’ll look less like a giant bear-man.”
“Sure, thanks.”
“I just don’t want you screwing up the good luck you’ve stumbled onto here. She’s way better than the flaky dummy Bishop had around.”
“She was a special woman,” Bishop says while looking at his phone.
“What was her name again?” Stoney asks.
“I called her Bunny.”
“But what was her name?”
“Bunny.”
“No, her real name.”
“Why are you nagging me on a Sunday morning?” Bishop asks as his dark eyes shoot an even darker look at Stoney. “You know I don’t remember her damn name.”
“That’s my point. These women are all replaceable.”
“No,” Grizz says and glances at Raqui. “Not all of them.”
“I’m not replaceable,” Dexy says and proves her point by making out with Rubber Duck.
“I’m trying to eat,” Horse growls.
“Stop whining about the crazy woman in your house,” Raqui says, and Cross frowns at the biker.
“That kid is not intimidated by any of you,” I point out. “He’s fearless like his daddy and a ballbuster like his mommy.”
Raqui smiles softly. “I like when you kiss my ass, Mad Dog.”
“Well, you were sweet to Cameo, so I figured you deserve the praise.”
“No,” Grizz grumbles, deciding I’m acting too friendly to Raqui.
“Remember when he could speak in entire sentences?” I ask Cash.
“What’s he need to talk so much for?” Dexy asks after prying her lips off Rubber Duck. “Grizz isn’t a Bond villain monologuing, so the audience will understand the plot. He doesn’t need to say more than yes or no to get his point across.”
“Thanks, Auntie,” Grizz mumbles and smiles when she pats his cheek.
“I’m happy Mad Dog found a woman,” Dexy says, getting up to offer everyone coffee refills. “I hope it works out for him. With that said, Ginette is still waiting for grandbabies. Stoney, go find someone to knock up.”
Blue eyes flashing angrily, he instantly growls, “No.”
“Worried your spunk ain’t up to the job?” Cash asks.
“I’m fucking golden there, dumb-shit-fuck.”
“I don’t know. Killjoy used to nail you in the balls a lot. You might be shooting defective jizz.”
“Stop talking,” Horse growls and stands up. “Stop bringing women to the Ranch to stay. Stop getting those women pregnant. And for the love of fucking God, will one of you get that chick out of my house?”
“No,” Grizz mutters and hands his woman a sausage link.
Taking pity on the whiner, Ginette sets down her cup of coffee and demands, “Say please.”
“Please, beautiful,” Horse murmurs, laying on the charm. “I’ll owe you something fierce.”
Ginette sighs deeply and stands. “I’ll smoke her out.”
Stoney gives me a dirty look before following after his mom. I have no idea why he’s angry at me rather than the whiny Horse.
I finish up my breakfast while listening to Dexy and Rubber Duck return to arguing about the proper timing for bacon. My gaze flashes to Cross back on his dad’s lap. Grizz didn’t seem like father material. He was always growling at people and quick to anger. But he acts real nice with Raqui and Cross.
If my president can ace fatherhood, I shouldn’t have any trouble. Last night was perfection. Dinner will Cameo’s parents is certain to work out. So, whether my club brothers like it or not, I’ll soon be domesticated.
CAMEO—HEAD OVER HEELS
Big dicks are all fun and games until the well-fucked pussies they leave behind have time to settle. Oh, shit and fucking hell! By the next morning, I feel as if I fell down the stairs and landed on my bajingo.
Sunday mornings are my laziest time of the week. Yet, even with Tylenol, I still sleep weird
and wake up early. I leave Hagan hidden under her Power Rangers comforter and sneak downstairs.
I expect my parents to be naked in bed. Instead, I find them sitting in the sunroom, reading with their feet propped up on the same ottoman. Aw, foot fondling on a Sunday!
“Are you sick?” Arlene asks. “Did you maybe take something yesterday that left you ill?”
“Like drugs?” I ask, shuffling over to the window where Bane snoozes. “The bikers offered me baked beans and pork. Maybe that didn’t sit well.”
“Do you need something?” Phil asks, never pausing his foot fondling with Mom.
“No. I just couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to wake Hagan.”
Crawling in a chair, I stare out to the backyard and wonder what Mad Dog is doing right now.
“Have you asked your friend, um, boyfriend,” Phil mumbles, correcting himself and sounding a little nauseous, “if he’ll join us for dinner?”
“No. Is that something you still want?”
“Is it something you still want?” Arlene asks immediately, maybe hoping a good night’s rest rid me of my Mad Dog obsession.
“Yes, but I wasn’t sure if you made the offer under duress. Hagan might have distracted you.”
Phil grins. “She’s jealous.”
“The boys at school are lame. Otherwise, she’d have a boyfriend.”
“Maybe she’ll find one after graduation,” Arlene offers, likely relieved to have one kid still with a year left of school. “Men also grow up after high school and stop being lame.”
“Do they, though?”
Without looking up from her tablet, Arlene nods. “Your father was a huge dork in high school, but he got sexy in college. I’m sure even Mad Dog was lame as a teenager.”
“Maybe.”
Nope! In my head canon, my sexy biker was always perfect. Unless I get proof otherwise, he was born smoking hot.
I text Mad Dog about dinner. For whatever reason, I assume he’ll sleep late and get back to me in a few hours. Instead, he responds immediately.
He also says he misses me, too. I shouldn’t be so easy to throw into a state of lovestruck silliness, but I get the worst giggles after reading his text.
“He can come over tonight.”
The look my parents share means more to each other than me. I suspect they hoped Mad Dog would be put off by the concept of family time.
“What should we make for dinner?” I ask after Bane decides to use my foot as his pillow.
“We planned to cook your mom’s spaghetti casserole.”
I sense my parents are daring me to complain. They don’t realize how much Mad Dog likes to eat. The casserole will fill him up for a short time, but I bet he’ll eat as soon as he gets back to the Ranch.
Leaving my parents to play footsies, I eat a bagel in the front room and take Bane for a walk. The dog will be less annoying with a stranger in the house if his little body is worn out for the day.
By the time I return, Hagan is wandering around like a lost child.
“Where did you go?”
Unhooking Bane’s leash and letting him return to my parents’ side, I ask, “Why are you acting weird?”
Hagan stops looking sleepy and shoots a bitch-snarl in my direction. “You’re planning to ditch me for that dirty bastard. Where will I be then?”
“Here, with Phil, Arlene, and Bane,” I say, putting away the leash and walking to the kitchen.
Hagan shuffles after me. “Well, yeah, but still.”
“And if I live with Mad Dog one day, you’ll have the room upstairs to yourself.”
Hagan considers my idea before shaking her head. “I’ll need to make new friends, but you know I don’t like people.”
“Why would you replace me?” I ask, annoyed. “I’ll be minutes away and still have access to a phone.”
“Or so you think. What if Mad Dog chains you up in a sex dungeon?” she mutters, tapping her head. “Didn’t think of that, now did you?”
“I’ll always need you, Hag,” I say, and she sneers at my nickname for her. “No one will ever know me like you do.”
“That’s fucking right,” she grumbles, pouting now. “But I’m being replaced by Rocky Balboa.”
“Can’t we view the situation as we’re gaining a new friend to hear gossip from?”
“No.”
“I need you to chill out before Mad Dog shows up for dinner.”
Hagan’s face immediately brightens. “He’s coming here to talk about taxes and politics and other middle-aged crap. Excellent.”
“Save your troublemaking for dinner. I need you to wake up enough to help me pick out clothes and clean up the house.”
“The house is already clean.”
“Lazy.”
“I’m not the one getting a dick out of this situation. Why do I have to do work?” she asks and then waves at my parents’ eavesdropping in the attached sunroom.
“You could date one of the guys at the Ranch. How about Cash?”
“He said no to my blowjob offer.”
“Whisper better!” Phil calls out.
Hagan and I giggle and lower our voices. “I don’t think you actually offered.”
“No, I did,” she whispers and then makes the peace sign next to her eyes. “I offered a blowjob with my gaze.”
“Well, he’s a no-go, then. How about Bishop?”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“What about Horse?”
“He has a giant monster dick, right? I mean, you were limping around last night from a normal-sized big dick. No way would I survive something of stallion-proportions.”
“Well, you and Stoney sorta flirted.”
Hagan stops staring at her Pop-Tart in the toaster and shoots a frown at me. “He gave me attitude. No, I’ll die alone.”
“As a seventeen-year-old, your lack of a current boyfriend does prove you’ll die alone.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s possible Cash told you no because of your age. Grizz has a rule about the guys not banging anyone under eighteen.”
“That’s prejudice. Seventeen-year-olds need cock, too,” she says while taking her Pop-Tart and milk to the front room. Somehow, I can sense my eavesdropping parents rolling their eyes in response to her comment. “I’m so super horny.”
“Are you, though?” I ask, joining her.
“Well, not right now, but I just woke up. Give me an hour, and I’ll be so horny.”
“I can leave you alone in the bedroom with your vibrator if you need to fix that before dinner.”
Relaxing on the couch, Hagan frowns at me. “No, I like to walk around in a constant state of horniness. It keeps me sharp.”
“Do you plan to say stuff like that around Mad Dog?”
“Worried I’ll steal him away with my horny talk?” she asks, giving me an exaggerated wink.
“Sure. He would totally dump me after succumbing to your seduction technique.”
“Is that a crack at me?”
“No.”
“You’re smiling too much. Reel that shit in before I have to slap you.”
Standing at the window, I realize I might need another Tylenol for my banged-up bajingo. “You won’t hit me.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Well, I think of hitting you all the time, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
“Me?” she cries horrified. “What’d I ever do?”
“Sometimes, I get really jealous of your tight ass.”
Hagan shrugs. “Sounds about right. So, how much time do I have left for whining before Mad Dog shows up?”
“Four hours.”
“Excellent. So, how is your muff?”
Waddling over to a chair, I admit, “I feel like I got fucked by a train.”
“You bitch,” she hisses as her dark eyes narrow. “And you wanted me to fuck that equine-dicked biker? If Mad Dog’s normal-sized monster cock could ruin your cavernous vagina, what the hell do you think I would hav
e endured with a centaur?”
“You’re taller. I just assumed your muff would be more spacious as a result.”
“I am taller,” she says, stretching out her lean, athletic legs. “But I don’t like the Horse one.”
Smiling at her tone, I lean closer. “Who do you like?”
“No one ever.”
I think back to her behavior around the bikers. She seemed annoyed when we met Mad Dog and Cash. At the Ranch, she quickly got drunk in reaction to someone. Yes, she claimed Stoney’s gaze stroked her clit or something equally vivid.
“You like Stoney.”
“I like a lot of people. I’m an emotional whore,” Hagan says with her mouth full of Pop-Tart. “Now, stop begging for gossip.”
Rather than poke her anymore, I join Hagan on the couch. We cuddle closer, and I rest my head on her shoulder.
My life is so good, and I wasn’t looking for anything more. After my senior year, I planned to work for my dad. Hagan and I would take trips into New York City. We might save up for an overseas trip or go somewhere with a warm beach. We’d casually date guys and goof around for years. Only when my parents begged for grandchildren did I plan to worry about falling in love.
Except I met Mad Dog and BAM! I’m spiraling well past casual dating. My mind is on head-over-heels love and building a life with Mad Dog.
Around lunchtime, I start worrying I’ve misread his signals. Running through everything from last night, I get myself wound up on each detail I’m unsure about. Did I see what I wanted? Was I hearing what I craved and not what he said?
I’m a ball of nerves by the time Mad Dog’s Harley parks in front of my house. Based on all the whispering, Arlene and Phil are currently plotting in the kitchen.
Seeing Mad Dog climb off his bike, I grab Hagan, who stands next to me. “I messed up last night,” I say in a panic.
“Swallowing so much cum probably wasn’t smart, no.”
Squeezing her hand, I whisper, “I told Mad Dog I loved him.”
“Why the fuck would you?”
“I told you last night I loved him.”
“Yeah, but I’m your safe space. That,” she says and points at the strutting sex god heading for the front door, “isn’t safe.”
“I was so exposed and relaxed. I lost control of myself.”
