by Rebel Hart
But there was a line.
“Hannah… I don’t want to go back in the closet.” I imagined that room that I got locked in at the conversion camp. The endless darkness, the insanity in my mind. “I can’t go back there.” Hannah tried to come up and grab me, but I stepped back. “No! Don’t! Are you ready to be with me fully or not?”
She was sobbing, but slowly shook her head. “I’m scared.”
“I’ll be here for you,” I said. “And Tristan, and Aria.”
“No,” she replied. “I don’t want to lose my family.”
It knocked all the wind out of my sails. “I understand, I do, but if that’s true, then this won’t work.”
25
Hannah
Tristan set a plate in front of me at his dining room table and sat down across from me with his own. The smells of bacon and eggs drifted up into my nostrils, but I just stared down at them as if he’d put gruel in front of my face.
“Hannah, you need to eat,” Tristan said. “It’s been two days since I last convinced you to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” I responded in a ghostly tone.
“That can’t possibly be true.” The poor guy; he looked an absolute wreck. He’d been juggling Aria and her concussion in one hand and me and my heartbreak in the other and had likely been getting very little sleep himself in the interim. “Your body needs sustenance. You’re gonna kill yourself.” He reached across and grabbed a piece of bacon and lifted it up in front of me. “Please? For me?”
I slipped the bacon from his hands and started to nibble on the tip of it. The saltiness of my favorite food danced across my tongue and reminded me of what flavor was like, on top of reminding my body that I hadn’t fed it for an unreasonably long period of time. Arden’s voice still rang in my mind as loudly and clearly as the day she said the words:
“Let’s just remember last night and go our separate ways. I think that’s what’s best for us both.”
I honestly thought our love would be enough. After everything that we had overcome to get back to one another, I truly thought that just being able to be together would overpower that one tiny thing. Even if I was with a guy I wouldn’t feel the need to broadcast my relationship to everyone. Why couldn't we just keep it between us? It was our business.
“I would really love it if you at least drank some of the Gatorade,” Tristan said, breaking into my thoughts. “I know you’re dehydrated. Then after breakfast you can try getting some more sleep. I’ll lie down with you if you need me to.”
“I’m not tired,” I murmured.
“That’s not true,” he said. “Please?”
I twisted off the top of the Gatorade and took a sip. Its flavor wasn’t my favorite, but again, my body reacted immediately to the hydration and I started to gulp it down in huge bursts. “Slow down!” Tristan said.
“Do you want me to drink or not?” I spat back.
“If you drink that fast you’re gonna get—”
“Hic!” I whimpered out as I got the hiccups.
Tristan sighed. “See?”
“Can I have some water?” I asked.
“Yes.” He immediately hopped up from his chair and walked over to the sink and got me some water before bringing it back and setting it down. Even though I knew how badly he wanted to be with Aria, he was still showing up for me. “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” I said, and when he tried to walk away I grabbed his wrist and held him in place. “Thank you, Tristan.”
He pet my head gently before leaning down and giving me a kiss on top. “It’s okay. Just, please eat and drink, then you can sleep.”
It was the least I could do after everything he was doing for me. “Okay.”
His phone rang and he walked over to it and picked it up. “Hey baby.” He looked over at me. “Yeah, she’s here. Eating.” He laughed. “Yeah, I’m happy too. How are things on your end?” He sank down into his chair and a look of shock crossed his face. “Oh.” I tilted my head, wondering if everything was okay with Arden, but not really knowing if I had any right to ask. “Yeah, no, I’m sure… Uh…” He looked up at me and then frowned. “Um… Yeah. I can do that. Let me just get Hannah situated and then I’ll be on my way. Okay. I love you too. Bye.”
He hung up his phone and I dared to ask. “Is everything okay?”
“No,” Tristan said. “Aria just got some bad news and needs me.”
I recognized that even though she had bad news, she still asked about me first. Even if she was a struggle for me, Aria was a good person. I could admit that.
“Go,” I said. “You’ve been babying me enough.”
“Actually,” he said. “Why don’t you come with? You haven’t been getting out much and, if I’m being honest Hannah, I really need you to at least try to get along with Aria. You’re the two most important women in my life.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
“There’s no one at her house right now, so if you wanna try and rest there, you can, and I actually think she’d like to see you,” he said. I wasn’t sure if that was true, but he had such a look of desperation on his face that I was powerless to decline.
“Okay. I’ll go,” I said.
He looked so relieved it made me sad. “Thank you. Finish up eating and then we can go.”
Doing the best I could to do all the basic, human care things that Tristan was asking me to, if not for myself, to help reduce his stress. On the way over to Aria’s we stopped to pick up some flowers, and then we made our way to her place. Tristan had a key, something he’d been given in order to help take care of Aria when her mom was away at work, so he unlocked the door before standing aside so that I could go in. Immediately, a dog started barking, and I recoiled at first before this beautiful chocolate lab came rushing down the stairs.
And I did what I think any other human would do in my emotional state, I sat right on the floor in the entryway and let her attack me.
“That’s Hazelnut,” Tristan said. “And she is the best girl and will give you all the love if you let her.”
“I will let her,” I said.
She was licking my face and jumping all over me like she’d lost her mind and I didn’t care. I needed the overwhelming love from that dog.
“Tris?” Aria called out.
“It’s me!” he called up. “And Hannah!”
“Oh, Hannah’s here?” she said, and she actually did have a light tone to her voice like she was happy about it. “I’m hobbling. Don’t stop me.” Tristan dropped his head, but didn’t fight and we both stood there and watched as Aria came limping down the stairs, carefully working her way down without stepping too hard on her bad ankle. “Hi,” she greeted cheerily even though her eyes were red as though she’d just been crying. “Sorry. My house is a mess.”
I looked around at the very immaculate setting, at least from what I could see. “Uh… no it’s not.” It was more of that little-miss-perfect that annoyed me, but I promised Tristan I would try, and I wanted to keep that promise.
“You’re right, it’s not, but I just feel like that’s what you say,” Aria replied.
It grounded her immediately and I chuckled. “Oh. Yeah, I guess.”
Tristan took over helping Aria once she’d reached a few stairs before the bottom and guided her into the living room. Upsettingly, Hazelnut left me in the interest of following after Tristan and Aria, so I took the opportunity to stand up and walk into the living room after them. It wasn’t large, but large enough for us, with an L-shaped couch and a comfortable recliner. I took the recliner and just as Aria was about to sit on the couch, she straightened up.
“Oh, Hannah, I’m being rude, do you want—”
“I will get it!” Tristan barked.
“Okay, honey,” she whined.
He looked guilt-ridden immediately. “Sorry. I’m tired.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” She rubbed the side of his face.
“Me too,” I said.
He looked ove
r at me and smiled. “It’s okay. Being exhausted by taking care of you two is a good reason. I’ll get Hannah a drink. Baby, do you want something?”
“I’m okay. Thank you,” she replied.
“Be right back,” Tristan said and walked off.
I frowned. “I feel so bad.”
“You and me both. He’s too good to us,” Aria said.
“He really is,” I replied, then I looked over at her. “So… how are you feeling?”
“I’ve had better days, but I can’t complain. Some time off work, getting waited on—it feels like a little vacation amidst bad circumstances, ya know?” she said. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m not even gonna lie, I’m not doing well,” I said. “Sleeping, eating… Existing. All very difficult for me right now.”
“That's understandable. I can’t imagine what you must be going through,” Aria replied. “For what it’s worth, I’m sad for you. I was really rooting for you guys.”
I pulled my legs up and buried my head against my legs. “I thought that was gonna be it, ya know? That we’d look forward and just sort of be together forever.”
There was a quiet creaking sound that I wasn’t sure what it was until I all of a sudden felt a weight settle against the arm of the chair. I looked up and Aria was sitting over me. She had a warm, comforting gaze looking down at me. She didn’t say anything, but just sat there with her arm around me. Maybe it was just because I’d always kept a distance from Aria, but I never realized how calming her presence was.
Throwing caution to the wind, I leaned my head against her stomach and let her console me. She rubbed my back gently and I suddenly felt like I understood some of what made Tristan and Arden adore her.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need,” she said quietly. “Even if just what you need is to steal my boyfriend.”
I snickered a little. “Thanks Aria.”
Tristan sucked his teeth as he walked into the room, but then smiled. “I’d be more upset that you moved if I wasn’t so happy at what I’m seeing.”
I gripped onto Aria, keeping her from moving. “I kind of get why people like snuggling with her.”
“She’s the best at snuggling,” Tristan said, not pressing the issue and instead sitting down on the couch and setting my drink on the table next to me.
“Actually Aria, there is something you can do for me,” I said.
“Anything,” she replied.
“Can you tell me, how’s Arden?”
Aria furrowed her brow. “He didn’t tell you?”
I shook my head. “Tell me what?”
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted to share, so I just told her you got bad news,” Tristan said
Aria's expression went from comforting to sad. “Arden just called me a little bit ago. She’s moving up leaving for New York.”
My jaw dropped. “What? Like before your graduation party?”
“Yeah,” Aria said sadly. “She leaves a week from today.”
26
Arden
It wasn’t often that I felt relaxed in my bedroom at my parents’ house, but packing to move out while Aria sat DJ-ing our jams from my bed was probably as close as I was going to get. She had her foot propped even though the sprain was mostly gone in the time that had passed since her accident—the bigger concern was her concussion.
She bopped her head to the music as I pulled clothes out of my dresser and folded them into the huge, military grade bag I’d snagged from a thrift store. “Not too much boppin’ over there,” I said. “Don’t headbang yourself into another concussion.”
She laughed, but rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”
“Promise me you’ll let me know if you need anything. I don’t have much in the way of pain meds, but we have tylenol if your leg hurts too bad,” I said.
“Arden, I’m fine. I drove here and my leg was fine, so I think I’ll be okay just sitting here,” she replied. “You just worry about getting everything you need. Once you get on that plane tomorrow, your room is going to be burned and cleansed with holy water, so you can’t afford to leave anything behind.”
I let out a loud, hyena laugh. “It’s funny because it’s true.”
Every now and again, I would look over to see how Aria was doing and see her watching me sadly. I felt a little selfish with the knee-jerk reaction that I’d made, but after things went haywire with Hannah, I couldn’t stand to stick around any longer than I had to. Things had gotten weird and distant between Suli and I ever since Aria got hurt—even though I didn’t blame her, it was a painful dose of reality for her. She suddenly was hit with all of her transgressions over the course of our relationship and had taken to calling me a ‘child’ every time we spoke. Without her to distract me, and Aria and Tristan still very much in a relationship where crossing paths with Hannah was likely, I had no choice but to leave.
Still, I could see that Aria was disappointed. Not only was I going to miss her graduation party after promising I’d be there, but it also meant that I was shaving our time together before I left short by a whole three months.
“Aria,” I said. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, I told you already, I’m fine.”
“Not the injuries,” I said. “About me leaving.”
“Oh.” She got a painfully sad expression on her face. “I’ll be okay. I mean, I’m sad that you’re leaving, and I’m gonna miss you, but Tristan said we can maybe take a trip to come and visit you later this summer. I’m bummed, but I’m also so excited for you.”
I knew that Aria felt conflicted. She never intended for me to end up with a broken heart because of Hannah, but she didn’t want me to give up on Y.I.I.P. either. There wasn’t really an ideal solution to the problem, but I knew she didn’t intend for me to get the hope that I was going to be with Hannah only to have it snatched away.
“I’ll do my best to try and come back for your party,” I said.
She shook her head because she and I both knew I wouldn’t be able to afford it. “No. It’s okay. I know that you’re going to be busy getting ready to get started and learning the city. Plus, hopefully you’ll be able to sort of clear your mind.”
“That’s necessary,” I replied.
“And, you’ll actually remember to eat and sleep and do the typical human stuff you need to live?” she asked.
I fluttered my head side to side. “We’ll see.”
“No, Arden,” she barked and I laughed, even though I wasn’t really kidding. Ever since ending things with Hannah, those were things I just wasn’t really all that interested in doing. “Come, sit. Take a break.”
I recognized that tone of voice. Aria was training to become a counselor at the homeless shelter she worked at and was going to college for social work. Due to the fact that it was her everyday life, she would occasionally get this soft, counselor-esque tone of voice and I could tell she wanted to try and “unpack” me a little bit.
Still, I was abandoning her and owed her everything she wanted to do in order to feel like she was sending me to New York in the best state of mind, so I stopped packing and walked over and sat down on the bed next to her. Immediately, I felt over and put my head in her lap, earning myself head rubs for the action.
“How are you doing with all of this? Scared?” she asked.
“Reasonably. I’m starting over in an entirely new place where I don’t know anyone, and I’ve chosen one of the biggest, most dangerous cities to do that in, but honestly, I’m more excited than scared. I’ll never have to wake up and deal with my parents’ abuse ever again. I can’t wait.”
“Do you think you’ll date?” Aria asked.
“Not right away,” I responded. “Gotta worry about getting over Hannah first, and because I actually got to be with her and get my hopes all up, it’s so much worse. I tried to avoid that. Honestly, I’ll probably wait until the program starts and see if there’s any cute, gay inventors.”
“Well, at least one because you’ll b
e there,” Aria said.
I squealed a little bit. “I love you.”
Laying in bed made my mind drift carelessly back to Hannah. The look of her naked body in the dim light as the stars from the globe danced across the ceiling. The way it felt to just hold her in my arms and sleep until morning came. The rapture of waking up with her next to me. Nothing compared to those feelings. Saying that I wouldn’t date for a while since I’d need to get over Hannah was actually a pretty severe understatement. I was gonna to be hung up on that girl for a long, long time.
“What are you thinking about?” Aria said.
“Hannah,” I admitted.
Aria frowned. “Do you regret it? Going back to her?”
That was the question of the year. Every time I thought about it, which was frequently, I was filled with such a flurry of emotions that I couldn’t think straight. I’d been so specific in asking Hannah to make a decision first and then come to me, that when I realized that she’d done the opposite, I was so angry. A lot of that day that we went our separate ways again, I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place where I wanted to blame her and be angry at her for hurting me again, but in the end, I came to realize that there wasn’t any malice. Hannah was allowed to come out when she was ready, just like I was allowed to move on because she wasn’t. It was just one of those facts of life that was going to hurt no matter how I looked at it.
I didn’t blame her anymore. I blamed the circumstances. “No,” I said finally. “The reality is, for one night I got to be with the woman I loved. She was the first person who taught me what it was like to love. She showed me so much of who I was. I learned how to be brave because I had to be in order to love her. Some stories are like you and Tristan’s, with love that spans a lifetime, and others are like Hannah and me. Love that encompasses a single phase of your life and fades. I learned a lot from it. I don’t think I’ll ever regret that.”
“That’s good,” Aria said. “I’m sad though. I really thought you guys had that lifetime love.”
