by Alexa Hart
I felt her body tense, and heard her heart beating faster.
“I still love you, Max,” she returned, sounding like she was on the verge of tears.
It wasn’t enough to fix the last six years, but it was enough to make this moment everything that we both needed it to be.
It was pure.
And then it was over. I had never been more confident that splurging for the oversize model SUV was worth it. But even with the extra space – clothing retrieval was an awkward bitch of a task. If ripping our clothes off had been a challenge, putting them back on was nearly mission impossible.
Nat was giggling like a teenager by the time we were resettled in our separate seats, clothed and proper. I had missed that sound so much. I had missed every single thing about her.
“Come home with me,” I said suddenly, unable to fathom the thought of letting her go again.
Her face grew serious, and she stared at me with conflicted sapphires. “Max... I don’t really think that’s a good idea...”
I put my hand on her cheek, feeling a strong, primal need to keep her with me. “Please, Nat... Just one night...”
Her face hardened then, and she gently pulled my hand away. “Do you really think Lucy would be okay with that? I feel like she wouldn’t.”
I sighed then, knowing I had already fucked this up. I had just wanted to be honest – no bullshit, no lies, no hiding things. Natalia deserved that. And Lucy... we had good times – laughs, sex, whatever... What I felt for Lucy wasn’t anything close to what I had always felt for Nat. I didn’t love Lucy, and she knew it. Natalia had to know that too.
“None of that matters, Nat. You know that. She’s not you. And you’re here. For fuck’s sake, you’re actually here,” I knew I was pleading now – shamelessly. There was a sense of déjà vu to the conversation that made me angry and sick simultaneously.
“She’s not me. But she’s a person. A person you are seeing. I don’t want to be in the middle of that, Max,” Natalia returned, frustration growing in her voice. She turned away from me and put a hand to her forehead. “There’s a lot of things I don’t want to be a part of. We both know that.” She paused. “This was a mistake.”
I was furious then, knowing she damn well knew that what had just taken place was anything but a mistake. It was us. It was the way things were supposed to be – the way they had always been.
But the business – that's what she was referring to now. I didn’t have the energy to even begin arguing about it. I hated it too. How exactly did I defend something that had cost me Natalia and my own peace of mind? How did I even begin to explain to her the things that had taken place and who I was expected to be now? How did I explain the person everyone now believed I truly was?
She would hear about it all soon enough, anyway. That’s how it worked in the neighborhood. And then things would be ruined even more irreparably than they already were.
I had fought so hard to keep Natalia six years ago. But she had left anyway. And she was still gone.
“I’ll take you home, Nat,” I said quietly, putting my hands to the wheel and surrendering without protest.
“Okay,” she agreed – but I heard the tone of surprise in her voice. She had expected a fight.
And if I had thought in a million years that I could have changed her mind, I would have fought until I died. I loved this woman. I loved only this woman.
But Natalia Angelone had decided certain things long ago that all the love in the world couldn’t undo.
I offered to walk her in, but Nat declined that as well. We hugged – hugged – like we hadn’t been fucking like rabid animals twenty minutes before. I waited until she was safely inside – old habits die hard. She didn’t turn to wave one last time the way she always had before. She simply disappeared into her house.
And now it was time to deal with my other problem. Lucia had been blowing my phone up the entire day. The calls became more frequent as the hours passed, and the texts were progressively angrier.
I knew ignoring her was a dick move. I just wasn’t sure I could even hold a conversation with her right now. She would want to come over. She’d demand to know where I’d been, why I hadn’t responded, etc. It would be an intense confrontation, and though I normally was a pretty confrontational person – Lucy Costa was a whole other level of scary.
That was part of her appeal. There was never a dull moment with Lucy. She was spontaneous and wild – if not a little immature – but overall, fun. I had fun with her. It distracted me. When I was with her, I didn’t worry about the business. I didn’t see Frank’s face every five seconds. I didn’t stress about Nic’s crazy mother.
And it was the closest I ever came to not missing Natalia.
The sex was good, and frequent. Lucy seemed to have an insatiable sex drive, and she certainly wasn’t shy about making her desires known or her needs met. There wasn’t passion – there wasn’t emotion when we fucked. We weren’t making love. But there was lust, affection, and her giant breasts bouncing in my face. She was full of heat.
We had been seeing each other – casually – for nearly a year. She had once shared with me that she’d wanted me since we were teens, and that had made me slightly uneasy. I hadn’t really cared that she existed up until recently. I’d gently – but firmly – made it clear that I was not “in love” with her. That I didn’t want to be in love with anyone. She had laughed and said “Ditto!” which should have been a relief, if I had fully believed her. I didn’t. I had the feeling she was playing the classic “wait for him to change his mind” game.
She would frequently go on dates with other guys – some from the neighborhood, some not. Always Lucy made sure that I knew these outings were taking place. She wanted to spark some type of jealousy in my heart – but it only made me take her even less seriously.
Overall it had become one of those situations that I knew needed to end before it got worse, or in her case, crazier. It had just been easier to keep her happy. She wasn’t asking for that much, and a grown man had certain desires and needs of his own.
But now... Natalia.
She’ll leave as soon as the funeral is over.
I knew that was true. As much as I wanted Pop to live for the simple fact that I loved the man, I now desperately hoped he would hold on much longer to keep Nat around. But whether she was here or back in California, I couldn’t imagine sleeping with Lucia after being reminded of what sex could feel like. Natalia wasn’t boobs and a good time. Natalia was beautiful – mind, body, soul – and I fucking love her.
I fucking love her.
Meeting Dario to do a little overnight inventory at the store would normally have been the last way I wanted to spend the time that I could have been sleeping. Tonight, however, I didn’t think sleep was going to be much of an option anyway.
Might as well work.
He had beaten me to the store, and was already standing amongst piles of boxes in the back storage room with a clipboard when I walked in. The stupid grin on his face – the same one he’d worn nearly permanently since childhood – convinced me that being here was better than any of the other possible alternatives. At least his dumb ass could make me laugh.
“Had a day, didn’t ya?” Dario said, immediately reading the fatigue and frustration on my face.
“I did,” I agreed, a flash of Natalia’s face while she climaxed running through my mind. I couldn’t help but smile then.
“I’m guessin’ it wasn’t all bad,” Dario surmised, raising his eyebrows.
I recovered my solemnity quickly. “It was a lot of things.” I tried not to make eye contact as I pushed Natalia’s delicate skin from my brain.
“Nat seemed a bit... off, when she got home,” Dario was writing nonchalantly now; sharing but not sharing information – the same as me.
But I suddenly very much needed to know just how “off” she had seemed.
“She okay?” I looked straight at Dario now.
He glanced up from
the clipboard, his brow furrowing. “She was in her room for a while. A long while. When she came down, I asked her if she was okay. Said she was. But then she went into Pop’s room and closed the door. She was in there for a long time, Max. Talking. We can all guess about what, right?” Dario smiled now, but I could tell he was unsettled by all of the emotion and chaos currently flying around in his immediate life. Every single person he was close to was going through their own personal hell. It wasn’t something easy-going Dar could swallow completely.
I wanted to say something to make him feel better. He was my best friend, but also like a little brother – and I knew he often kept that grin on his face for the sake of everyone else. Even Dario Angelone needed to let shit out once in a while. Unfortunately, I didn’t currently have any words of encouragement. Life really was a big clusterfuck right now. Aside from those few perfect moments with Natalia earlier today, everything felt bleak and dark.
“Oh, I almost forgot – LUCY called my phone. She was looking for you. Said you weren’t answering...” Dario was trying hard not to smile now. He had always thought Lucia was a crazy bitch, and to this day he avoided her like the plague.
Some tough criminals we are. Maybe Lucy should have been running the business.
But she wasn’t a business kid. And she had always resented the rest of us for that. Especially, and most openly, Natalia.
I shook my head. “Yeah. I’m avoiding her. It’s a shit thing to do. There’s just too much right now, Dar. Too. Much.” I put a hand on my forehead. “I literally spent the rest of the day at Ma’s with Nic because I knew it was the one place she wouldn’t just barge into.”
Dario busted up laughing, and I joined him. My mom despised Lucia. Not so much as a child, but certainly once we’d all become teenagers. It didn’t matter if I was dating her or not. Lucia Costa was not welcome in Elena Fanucci’s home.
“If you can look me straight in the face and tell me that you truly love that ragazza demone, I will welcome her into my home with open arms. But you can’t say that, Maximo, and until you can – she stays away from me.”
Lucia absolutely hated my mother for this, but must have realized it was in her best interest to remain calm about it were she ever to be a part of the Fanucci family – which was her goal, whether she said it openly or not. I tried to avoid the subject altogether. I certainly wasn’t going to go to war with my mother over Lucy.
Lucy had taken diligent note of this.
“You can’t avoid her forever, Max. Like, literally. She will find you,” Dario was still laughing, shaking his head and probably congratulating himself on being a clear and single young bachelor.
“I know,” I picked up my own clipboard, flipping a few pages over and ignoring the fact that Lucia could actually inspire real fear in my brain. “Let’s do this and get outta here.”
Dario nodded, and we proceeded to knock out the mandatory inventory check that our fathers had implemented back in their heydays. There had been an incident where it was discovered that a few associates were helping themselves to some of the goods that the business acquired. Not ever in any amount that was immediately noticeable, but enough to make an unexplainable dent over time.
One of the guilty parties had cracked under pressure and confessed the whole mini-operation to Pop Angelone, undoubtedly hoping for mercy in exchange for honesty. Pop had assured him all would be set right, and within 24 hours, Rafaele Fanucci had kept that promise, returning all scales to balance with his revolver.
And thus, a required bi-monthly inventory had been established. It was one of the few tasks that the bosses were supposed to do themselves. Dario and I had been so busy recently that the only time we could find to complete the task was well after we should have been comfortably unconscious in our beds.
The ridiculous irony of it all was that we were basically ensuring that there were no thieves amongst what could only be accurately described as an entire organization of thieves. At times I found this humorous. Tonight, I found it redundant and exhausting.
“You ever wonder what you’d be if you hadn’t been born into all of this?” I asked suddenly, my voice echoing off of the concrete walls.
Dario chuckled. “I dunno. Bored, I guess?” He knew what I was getting at, but he couldn’t help kidding around. It kept life bearable.
“Right,” I replied, shaking my head at his goofy-ass smirk. I paused, then – incredibly serious now – “What happens when you fall in love, Dar? How you gonna convince her to be okay with all of this?” I waved my arm across the stock, feeling the frustration in my throat but trying to keep it out of my voice.
Dario sobered up a bit, and shrugged his shoulders. “Guess I’m gonna have to find myself a neighborhood girl.” He was still attempting to be light, but I heard the slight edge of realization in his words. We were limited. We were limited, without ever having asked to be a part of the lives that limited us.
“Shitty thing about that, Dar... Even neighborhood girls don’t always want this life.” We met eyes then, knowing exactly who I meant. I was sure for one instant that it occurred to Dario Angelone for the very first time that someday he might fall in love with someone he simply could not have.
Chapter 7
Natalia
How could I have let myself do that?
Six years. Six years I had stayed completely clear of Maximo. And now, in less than 48 hours I had managed to entirely undo all of that. It felt like I had opened a Pandora’s box and every feeling – painful, beautiful, ugly, soul-wrenching – had come rushing out, flooding my senses.
Max had dropped me off with a heavy reluctance that seared through my heart. Of course I didn’t want to leave him. Of course I still loved him. Of course it killed me to see those deeply disappointed hazel eyes meet mine – holding back the emotions that I knew he wanted to scream out.
But what had changed? What had changed in these six years that would make the situation any different now than it had always been?
The business still existed. If anything, Max was more involved now than he had ever been. It wasn’t just what Dario had said – I could literally see it in Maximo’s face. He was darker. Troubled. Stressed. The part of me that was still deeply, madly in love with him wanted to search out his wounds – find the injuries that he had sustained, physically and mentally, since I had left and fix them. Heal them somehow. Heal him.
The logical, thinking part of me knew that this was only the beginning. Max was only 27, the same as me. Whatever had caused this cloud to hang over his head was only going to grow stronger – larger. It was the reason my father had drank himself to sleep nearly every night in his recliner, chain-smoking cigars. It was the reason Max’s dad had suffered two heart attacks before finally succumbing to the third.
The business wasn’t conducive to a peaceful life, no matter how hard our mothers and fathers had tried to give us the most normal childhoods possible. We hadn’t ever been normal kids, and they hadn’t ever been normal parents.
I didn’t want that life.
And Max... he’d already moved on in a way that could never be undone. I didn’t fault him for having a child – for loving his child – for being a dedicated father. But I would never bear his firstborn. That was done – written in stone. As much as it warmed my heart to see him so openly proud of his son – as much as I wanted to meet and know his son – I also knew that the little boy would never be mine. It made a certain part of my insides ache so strongly that I was having difficulty believing it to be true.
I knew I would love Nic, were I to be a part of his life. It was just surreal that the image I had always held – even after our break-up – of having children with Max was altered now. Some other girl had beat me to it. That was that.
And as I thought of “some other girl”, Lucia’s vile image invaded my brain. How – how could Max even want to date someone like that? She had always been such a bitchy, spoiled brat when we were kids. Her parents were rich, and she had frequently reminde
d us that it was possible to make money without being part of a criminal family.
Ironically, it was well known that while the Costas were rich, Lucy’s father was also hugely involved with the sale and distribution of cocaine. Or at least, it was well known to the business associates and their families. They shunned Dr. Costa for it. That wasn’t how the business was run – that was a different type of low.
But Dr. Costa also had a thriving dental practice to hide behind, and Lucia dutifully hid behind it as well. We had ignored her for the most part, as much as possible. She was outspoken and quite hateful, but just another neighborhood regular that became nothing more than white noise after a while.
She certainly wasn’t white noise now. He was fucking her. Max was fucking her. Lucy had always been very pretty, and at some point, had developed the porn star boobs that made no literal sense on her tiny body. But they were real. And she was real. And she was fucking Max. My Max.
He hasn’t been yours in a very long time.
I knew it was true. I knew I had no right to be as angry as I was, pacing my room, swearing under my breath occasionally, and obsessing over Lucy’s bitchy, beautiful face.
Was that really what he wanted now?
An hour ago, he had seemed to want something else very, very much.
He asked you to go home with him. You said no.
Go home with him and what? Have a front row seat to his life without me in it? This is where my child – the one that will never call you “Mom” – eats his cereal. This is where I keep all the framed photos of friends and family – sorry but you’re not in there. Oh and this is my bedroom. I’ve fucked Lucia Costa in that bed around... Well god, you know, I couldn’t really even estimate at this point.
It was all going to end the same regardless. Pop was going to die and I was going to fly back to California and pick up right where I had left off with my life – completely separate from the business, the neighborhood, and Maximo Fanucci.
