Animals Are Bonkers!
I flipped to the Peculiar Past section until I found the page I wanted.
On a dark night in 1882, cowboy Angus “Big Shot” Roach had an AWESOME ENCOUNTER when he spotted a mysterious spacecraft close to his campfire …
“I ain’t never seen anything like it in my whole life,” Angus reported. “I thought an alien was gonna come down and suck my brains right out!”
Yee-haw to that, readers!
Under the text there was a cartoon of Angus sitting by a blazing fire as a green flying saucer hovered nearby. The cowboy’s mouth dangled wide and his eyes bulged with shock.
I jumped as Mum appeared in the doorway.
“You’re not reading that silly book again, are you? You do know it’s all made up?”
I quickly closed the covers. “No, it’s not.”
“It is! Tell me one thing in that book that is actually true.”
I quickly flipped to page thirty-seven and read out loud. “If you mouth the word colorful, it actually looks like you are saying ‘I love you.’ Try it on a friend right now!”
I looked at Mum and she smiled and folded her arms.
“So, what am I saying now, Mum?”
I silently mouthed the word colorful.
Mum laughed.
“I love you too, Nate.”
I slammed the book shut. “See?! I told you! I was saying ‘colorful,’ not ‘I love you.’ This book isn’t lies. It’s just stuff we’ve never heard about before. That doesn’t mean it isn’t true!”
“All right, Nathaniel, calm down. There’s no need to get so angry with me.”
I sat on the bed and stuffed the book back into my bag. I hated it when she called me Nathaniel.
“I don’t like it here. I want to go to Grandma’s,” I said, not looking at her. I heard her sigh heavily.
“Listen. I’m just doing what’s best for us, Nate. That’s all.”
“Best for us? How is it best for us to be here? It’s horrible!”
I threw myself down on the bed and turned my back on her, waiting for her to leave. After a moment or so I heard the floorboards creaking as she went back downstairs. I sat up and got my Ask Me a Question magic ball out of my bag.
You cannot fool me …
… I will guess your word after a few, simple questions!
Go ahead and try my magical powers.
I pressed START.
Does it live in the sea?
No.
Does it have four or more legs?
No.
Can it be scary?
Yes.
I carried on answering the questions until the ball got to its show-offy bit.
Be amazed when you see I can read your mind …
… you cannot fool the Magic Ball!
Is your word …
… a monster?
I threw the ball onto the floor, and it rolled underneath the bed.
I’d been thinking of Gary.
I lay down on the cowboy bed in the stinky, dirty cottage and listened to Mum moving things around in the living room. It sounded like she was trying to clean up a bit, but just half an hour later I heard the stairs creak as she made her way to the top. I expected her to come in to check on me, but after the toilet flushed I heard the other bedroom door squeak open. I waited for a bit and then I got up and went out onto the landing. Mum was lying on top of the bed with her eyes shut.
“Mum? Are you okay?” I asked, and I sat down on the corner of the bed.
“I’m fine, Nate. I just need to sleep, that’s all.” She patted my hand, and then she pulled it to her face and kissed it.
“We’re safe now, darling. He can’t find us here.”
It was ten o’clock the next morning when I woke up. The winter sun streamed through the brown curtains, and I could hear Mum singing. I got out of bed and made my way down the creaky stairs.
The cottage looked a little brighter in daylight, but it was still very dirty. Mum had tried cleaning the chicken poo off the sofa, and the patchwork quilt that had been on her bed had been thrown over the top. The smell was still there though, and the rest of the room looked pretty dreadful. The carpet was covered with a thick layer of gray dust, dog hairs, and a few feathers. There were drapes of cobwebs fluttering in every corner, and along the mantelpiece over the wood stove was an assortment of figurines, pots, and vases, all covered in a thick layer of grime. In the center of the mantelpiece was an old clock that had stopped at eleven o’clock.
I took a look outside. Mum had put a square of cardboard over the hole in the corner of the window to stop the chicken, or anything else, from getting in. The garden was just a jungle of weeds all clambering over each other for breath.
“Morning, Nate! Well, you certainly look a whole lot better after some sleep. Isn’t it lovely and quiet here? I slept like a baby.”
Mum appeared in the kitchen doorway. She was wearing jeans and a stripy blue-and-white sweater. Her hair was tied up in a ponytail at the top of her head, and she had a big smile on her face. I hadn’t seen her looking this happy in ages.
“Morning. What have we got for breakfast? I’m starving.”
Mum grinned. “Come and have a look,” she said, and I followed her into the kitchen. “You know our little friend on the sofa last night? I found a clutch of her eggs behind a cushion.”
She held out a plate of yellow scrambled eggs that steamed warmly into my face.
“I thought we could eat and then get to work on cleaning this place a bit. What do you think?”
“Good plan, Mum,” I said.
Cleaning up was hard work. The dog hair–covered carpet was, in fact, a large rug that we dragged out into the garden. I tripped and landed in a heap on top of it as Mum pulled me along, laughing. We managed to get it to a tree and drape it over a low branch.
“Right. Choose your weapon!” said Mum as she picked up two big sticks and held them out. I chose the smoothest one, and she grinned.
“Aha, good choice, my liege. That looks to be a mighty fine stick, does it not?”
I put on my serious face and nodded. Mum held her stick out to the side like a baseball bat.
“Okay. Are you ready for battle, Sir Nate?” she said.
“I am ready to do my duty,” I said, trying not to laugh.
We counted together: “Three, two, one … Go!”
We hit at the rug with our sticks and clouds of dust appeared.
“Come on! You can do better than that!” Mum laughed and then began to jab at the rug as if she were in a sword fight with it. “En garde, you stinky, smelly carpet! Take that! And that! How dare you be so disgusting and horrible!”
I stopped hitting and watched Mum, laughing at her as she leapt about.
“Take that, you chicken flea–infested bundle of stench!”
I gave the rug a few pathetic pokes, but my stick kept bending.
“Come on, Sir Nate! Put your back into it!” said Mum. I pounded the rug again and again until there was a haze of yellow dust in the air all around us. After a few more beatings my hands were sore, and I stopped to catch my breath. That’s when I noticed an iron gate set in the high redbrick wall at the back of the garden. Through the bars I could see the dark forest beyond.
“Where does that go?” I asked. Mum stopped hitting the rug and wiped her forehead, leaving a streak of dirt behind.
“That leads to the grounds of a big house. The man that owned this cottage, your grandma’s friend William was the family’s gardener, and many years ago he made up these little treasure hunts for the two children who lived in the house. When we stayed here on holiday we found an old one in the drawer and tried to solve it, the three of us. Do you remember? There was a chapel and a maze. It took us all over the grounds.”
I thought about it for a bit. I remembered crossing a wide green lawn on Dad’s shoulders. Mum had a piece of paper in her hand and she was laughing and running ahead saying, “This way! I think it’s this way!” I
don’t think I really understood what we were doing, but it all seemed like good fun at the time.
“The poor family that lived there, well, they had a tragedy many years ago. It was very sad …”
She gazed off into the distance and didn’t say any more.
I looked through the iron bars to see if I could spot the house, but all I could see were dark shadows everywhere.
“A tragedy? What happened?” I asked.
Mum pulled the rug off the branch.
“Someone passed away … Anyway, let’s not talk about that right now. Let’s get this back inside, shall we?”
We cleaned until late that afternoon, and then we both flopped onto the sofa and surveyed our hard work. Mum put her arm through mine. The cobwebs and layers of dust were gone, and the grime on the windows had been wiped away, letting in a bit more light. There was still a strong smell of chicken poo in the air, but it wasn’t as bad as when we arrived, or maybe we were just getting used to it.
“I think we’re going to like it here, Nate,” said Mum, squeezing my arm. “Don’t you?”
I suddenly thought about school. I would be walking home around now.
“Do you think anyone has reported us missing, Mum?”
She let go of my arm.
“Well, Gary certainly won’t have called anyone, and I … I rang the school yesterday and said a relative had died and we had to go away for a few days. I thought it would give us a bit of a head start. So no. I don’t think anyone will report us missing for a while yet.”
We both sat in silence.
“I know you like it here, Mum, but shouldn’t we go and stay with someone else? What if someone comes back and catches us? Can’t we go and stay with one of your old friends?”
As Mum rubbed her forehead, I realized that since Gary had come along she’d fallen out with everyone. As far as I knew, none of her old friends had been in touch for months.
“Let’s talk about that in a few days, shall we?” said Mum. “No one will be coming by here. For now, let’s just enjoy being away from him. He will never find us as long as we keep quiet and we don’t tell anyone that we are here. Okay?”
My heart fluttered against my chest like a trapped moth. I always got that feeling when I thought about Gary. Mum squeezed my hand and then jumped up.
“Right. I’m going to see if I can get this old wood stove going, and then I’m going to pop out to get some food.”
“What? But you said we had to stay inside! You said no one could know we’re here!”
Mum found a box of matches in a basket beside the stove, and she put a few lumps on the ash, crisscrossing some kindling on top.
“We’ve still got to eat, Nate. We passed a little supermarket about four miles away, so I’ll go there and be back before you know it.”
She peered into the wicker basket again.
“And while I’m at it I’ll try to pick up some dry logs from somewhere. This isn’t going to last us very long, and everything outside is too wet.”
“I’ll come with you,” I said, getting up. I really didn’t fancy being here on my own.
“No, you stay here and keep an eye on the fire. When it starts roaring just use the poker to slide the lever to the right. Okay? That’ll keep it going and get the place nice and warm for when I get back. Don’t open the stove door or touch anything without using the poker.”
“But what if someone comes to the house? What if someone knocks? What if … What if Gary finds us?”
I paced up and down, and she stopped me with her hands on either side of my arms.
“He won’t, Nate. You’ve seen how secluded this place is. Nobody knows we are here. And no one is going to turn up; it’s been empty for a while. How about I get us a pizza and the biggest chocolate cake I can find? Does that sound okay?”
I nodded, but I wasn’t happy about it.
She pulled on her boots and thick coat and wrapped her chunky pink scarf around her neck. It was getting dark outside and starting to sleet. She put her handbag on the table and took out a small plastic bag full of money. I don’t think I’d ever seen that many bills in one place before. She usually used a card to pay for things, but I guess that Gary might be able to trace us if she did that. She must have been planning for us to run away and secretly saving cash. This thought felt very loud and sharp in my head. I didn’t want to go back to Gary, but the thought of staying here scared me. I was about to say something when Mum spoke.
“Don’t touch the fire, will you? Just do what I said when the flames really get going, and I’ll put some more logs on when I get back.”
I’d seen Grandma light her wood stove loads of times, so I had a good idea how they worked, but I was glad I didn’t have to do anything apart from move the vent.
I followed her to the porch and watched as she pulled the stiff door open. The air was icy, and I could already see a thin white frost covering the car’s windshield. Mum turned to face me.
“Remember, I won’t be long, so just stay inside. We can’t risk anyone finding us, you know that, don’t you?”
I nodded. Her eyes looked like they were filling up with tears.
“It’s fine, Mum.”
She smiled. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this.”
She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and then she mouthed something at me.
I love you.
I smirked and replied:
I love you.
She smiled. “Oh, I’m colorful, am I?”
And then she turned away and her breath escaped in small clouds as she hurried to the car. I stood watching as she slowly reversed the car and then turned left, back down the dirt track, the red taillights flickering behind the hedge until they disappeared altogether.
The wood stove warmed the living room up really quickly, but there was a strong smell of soot. I turned on all the lights and then tried to draw the heavy curtains on the window that looked out onto the back garden and the dark, swaying trees, but they stuck on the rod. I looked up at the black sky, and just above the top of a bush I spotted a cluster of stars I recognized from my Freaky Things book. They were called the Pleiades and they were the closest star cluster to Earth, but they were still a very long way away. They twinkled at me in the cold night sky, and I felt myself shiver a little as I tugged on the curtains as hard as I could. I left the ones at the front open so that I would see Mum’s car as soon as she got back.
The flames licked at the glass as if they wanted to get out, so I picked up the poker and slid the lever to the right, just like Mum had said. They instantly calmed down and crackled gently.
I hadn’t eaten anything since the scrambled eggs, so I went to the kitchen to see what I could find. There was a box of crackers that had a best before date of five years ago, and some cans of food, including baked beans, peaches, and creamed rice. There was a half-eaten packet of mints that Mum had left, so I took two. I didn’t fancy trying to work out how to use the can opener, plus I didn’t want to be too full for my pizza. As I walked back into the living room I saw a flash of yellow in the corner beside the wood stove. The fire was making the walls appear to flicker. That’s what it must have been: just the flickering fire.
I wished there was a TV so I could put it on to keep me company. I’d look through the channels to see if there were any reruns of the best game show in the world: How Well Do You Know Me?
Mum and Dad had been contestants on that show before I was born, and we used to have a recording of it that we’d watch every Christmas. Mum would hide behind her hands as a younger version of her appeared on the screen, arm in arm with Dad as they skipped, laughing, toward the presenter, Barry Wonder, who was waiting with his microphone.
“Oh, Martin, look at my hair! What was I thinking having it so curly on live TV? I look like a sheep!” Mum would say, peeking through her fingers, hating and loving it at the same time.
Dad would be leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, transfixed.
“Look at me! Why didn’t you tell me my shirt was so tight, Fiona? That’s an all-inclusive honeymoon for you. I put on seven pounds during that holiday.”
Dad would grin as Barry asked them about their wedding day.
“And what color did your bridesmaids wear, Fiona?”
My mum on the TV went all pink.
“They wore crimson, Barry, with an ivory sash.”
The audience all went ahhhhhhhh while I pretended to put my finger down my throat and vomit.
I loved it though.
I loved seeing them so happy.
They got through to the final round and were up against Stacey and Rob from Suffolk. But Stacey knew that Rob preferred strawberry jelly to black currant and Mum got Dad’s choice wrong, so Stacey and Rob ended up with a car, a holiday, and two thousand pounds in spending money. As runners-up Mum and Dad got a golden statue of a bride and groom with a sash around them saying: “We Were Finalists on How Well Do You Know Me?” We kept that statue in our downstairs bathroom right up until Dad moved out, and then Mum gave it to a charity shop. I saw it in the window on my way home from school one day, and I went in and bought it for fifty pence. It was Mum and Dad’s prize—no one else’s. When I got home I hid it, wrapped up in an old school sweater at the bottom of my wardrobe. I wish I’d brought it with me now, in my backpack with my other things.
I stared at the space in the corner where a TV should have been and decided I’d probably feel a bit better if I had something to do. I counted to three, then sprinted to the hallway, up the stairs and into the cowboy bedroom, grabbed my backpack, and then went back down again. I put all the lights on as I went.
I took out Mrs. Ellie-Fant and tucked her under my arm. As soon as Mum’s headlights appeared I planned to stuff her back into my bag. I turned on the Ask Me a Question magic ball, answering all of its questions until:
I know what you’re thinking …
I have used my powers of deduction …
The word you are thinking of …
… is …
… fire!
It was right for once. I clicked YES and the thing went into meltdown, flashing and dinging like it had solved the biggest problem in the world.
The Light Jar Page 2
