by Vivien Brown
don’t love her and never have. I’m ready for your lies.’
‘Seems you’ve made up your mind already, so whatever I say you’re not going to listen,
are you?’
‘Oh, I’ll listen. I may not believe a word that comes out of your mouth but I will listen.
I like a good fairy story.’
‘Okay, so I did see Eve a few times, when she was living in Wales. It was hardly the
love affair of the century. I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. It was stupid of me, and wrong. Is that what you want? An admission, an apology?’
‘It’s a start, but no, what I actually want is for you to go. Leave. Get out of here. Out of
this house, out of this family.’
‘Look, let’s not overreact here. The thing with Eve . . . it was over before it began really.
A few meetings, meals out, a kiss and cuddle after we’d had a drink or two. I was away from
home and she was . . . just there. It meant nothing. I haven’t seen her, been alone with her, for months.’
‘Oh, bully for you! I should be grateful, I suppose. And how about the woman at the
hotel? Was that Eve too? Or is there some other poor soul you’re stringing along nowadays?’
He couldn’t look at me. ‘What woman? Where are you getting this load of old rubbish
from? I don’t know about any woman, or what room I’m meant to have been in. I stayed over,
like I said I was going to, so I wouldn’t have to drive home, so I could have a few drinks.’
‘Not all you had, by all accounts.’
‘What bloody accounts? Who’s been filling your head with all this stuff?’
‘You deny it then?’
‘Doesn’t seem to matter what I say, you’ve made up your mind. Guilty, with bloody
knobs on.’
‘That’s about it, yes. I can’t do this, Josh. I can’t put up with the way things are. I never
really know where you are, what you’re doing, or who with. I can’t trust you anymore. If I ever could.’
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‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’
‘Swear as much as you like, but this marriage isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. It
isn’t worth trying to save. You don’t love me. I don’t think you ever really have. If I hadn’t got pregnant that first time . . .’
‘We would never have got together. Do you think I don’t know that? That I haven’t
wondered how different things could have been, for both of us? But we made our decision, and
we’ve made the best of it, haven’t we? Made a life, a home, Janey . . .’
‘It’s not enough. I want you gone.’
‘And where exactly do you expect me to go? This is my house.’
‘No, it’s our house. You may be the main earner around here but that doesn’t give you
special rights. It’s my house, my home too, and our daughter’s. And we’re not going anywhere.
In fact, let’s see what the divorce courts say, shall we?’
‘Divorce? Let’s not be so hasty here. We can sort this out. We don’t need to get
divorced. I can’t get divorced. I’m a Catholic.’
‘When it suits you.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘When did you last go to church? Confess? Pray? And why’s there a condom in your
wallet? Doesn’t sound much like a good Catholic boy to me.’
‘What have you been doing looking in my wallet?’
‘Is that it? Is that all you can say? Because that condom’s not there for me, is it? No,
Josh, this is it. The end. We’re over. Your suitcase is out on the bed. Pack a few things and go.
We can decide about the finer details later, when we’ve got a bit of space between us. I want
you out of here, or things will get a darn sight messier, believe me.’
‘Meaning?’
‘Meaning I’ll fight you for every penny you’ve got, house, pensions, the lot. And tell
your precious Catholic parents what you’ve been up to, not to mention your boss.’
‘Oh, play dirty, why don’t you? What do you want here, Sarah? Blood?’
‘If I have to. Or you can give in to the inevitable. Get out of here, off to Eve’s or a hotel,
or a park bench for all I care. Wherever you can wriggle off to like the worm you are. And
maybe then we can sort things out, amicably, from a distance, like civilised adults.’
‘You bitch.’
‘Really? I’m the bitch? I’m the one in the wrong here? I don’t think so, Josh.’
‘You’ve changed.’ He looked at me, the hurt burning in his eyes.
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‘Yes, I think I probably have. I’ve grown up. I’ve realised no one’s going to fight for me. I have to do it myself, look after myself, stand on my own two feet for once. And I can
only do that without you here messing with my head. Because you’ve changed too, and I don’t
like what I see. Go and pack, Josh, please. It’s the only way.’
He stood up, reluctantly, stopping in front of me as he crossed the room towards the
stairs, and tried to take my hand. I tugged it away.
‘No, don’t touch me. I don’t know where those hands have been.’ I tried to hold back
the sob that rose up in my throat as I shrank back into the sofa. ‘I never want you to touch me again.’
‘Sarah . . .’
‘No. No more. Just go.’
‘But what about Janey? How will we . . . ?’
‘I’ll tell her. Oh, don’t worry. Not the details. She doesn’t need to know what a rat her
father truly is. I wouldn’t do that, hurt her, or try to come between you. You’re still her dad and I wouldn’t want to wreck how she feels about you. And of course you can still see her,
whenever you like. Just not here, okay? No covering things up. No playing happy families. She
needs to know the truth, or a version of it at least. That our marriage is over.’
‘It’ll cost. Me living somewhere else. A bed and breakfast, a bedsit. I won’t be able to
cover the bills for two places. Not for long. You do know that?’
‘We’ll worry about that side of things later. Or let the lawyers worry about it for us. For
now, I just want us to take the first steps, to agree to separate, to accept that we can’t stay together, live together, anymore. Please, Josh, don’t make this any harder than it already is.’
He went quietly, in the end. Took his work clothes, his razor, his toothbrush, and went.
I didn’t know where he would go. I don’t suppose he knew himself.
The house felt different, empty, silent, after the front door closed behind him. I still
didn’t know if it had been Eve that night at the hotel. Eve, or someone else. What difference
did it make in the end? I wasn’t sure I cared anymore.
***
Janey didn’t take it well. Of course, she blamed me. Her precious father had gone, while she
was out and without saying goodbye, and that had to be down to me. Something I had said or
done. Dads didn’t just leave home for no reason, did they? I did my best to explain, which
wasn’t easy without telling her about his relationship with her own auntie and God knows who
else, but I was determined not to do that. Not to run him down, slag him off, burden her with
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my own feelings of hatred and betrayal. I didn’t want to put her in the situation where she was expected to take sides, although she did anyway, and it wasn’t my side she took.
Janey made it clear she no longer wanted to spend time with me. She took to going
home with her friend Becky after school, eating there, coming home late with her homework
already done so I couldn’t even offe
r to help her with any of it, and hiding away in her room
until bedtime.
After a few nights in a hotel, Josh had taken on a small rented flat not far away, above
a florist’s shop. Not dissimilar to the place we used to have over the dry cleaner’s, I guessed, but smaller. Not that I went to see it, but he gave me the address in case of emergencies and,
according to Janey, who was round there like a shot at the first opportunity, it was very plain and pretty much empty. Just a double bed, a small table with two wooden dining chairs, and a
sofa too short and too tatty for her to sleep on with any degree of comfort. It didn’t stop her asking to stay over, but Josh did at least have the sense to tell her that might not be such a good idea, not until he’d bought a few things to make it feel more like a home.
Dad was shocked when I told him what had happened, and yet I could sense a sort of
virtual pat on the back, as if he felt I had finally done the right thing. ‘Things will work out, Love,’ he said, pouring me a second cup of tea. ‘You’ve still got your job and a roof over your head, and Janey. And if paying the bills becomes a problem, please tell me. I have a little put by.’
‘No, Dad. Josh got us into this, and it’s Josh who’s going to have to pay. And I don’t
just mean in money. He’ll regret what he’s done, now he’s back in some pokey flat on his own.’
‘And is he on his own? No woman on the scene?’
‘I have no idea. I did wonder if Eve . . .’
‘Oh, no, Sarah. I don’t think so. She told us that was over and done with. I don’t think
she would lie.’
‘Wouldn’t she? Well, we’ll see, won’t we?’
‘Have you told her? That he’s gone?’
‘What? Give her the chance to go running right back to him? Oh, no. My marriage, or
what’s left of it, is none of her business. I can’t stop him telling her, but I’m not doing it. It’d be like dropping a big fat present right in her lap.’
‘Oh, Sarah.’ He shook his head, sadly. ‘I’m so sorry, Love, that it’s come to this. This
can’t be easy for you. Or for our Janey. Must have hit her hard.’
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‘It has. But she’ll get over it. I bet half the kids in her class live in some sort of fractured, patched-together family. Divorce, separation, step-parents. It’s almost the norm these days. Not that that’s what I would ever have chosen for her, but it is what it is. I can’t go back now.’
‘No, Love, you can’t. Onwards and upwards, eh?’
I forced a smile and gave him a hug. ‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘What for?’
‘Not judging me. Not saying you told me so, all those years ago. I gave it a go, Dad,
my best shot, and I did love him. I really did. Shame he never felt quite the same way.’
‘Well, here’s to new beginnings,’ he said, raising his cup and chinking it against mine
as if we were drinking champagne instead of PG Tips.
‘New beginnings,’ I echoed, before grabbing my coat and heading back home to see if
Janey was going to grace me with her presence after school.
***
It was Sunday morning and Janey had finally stopped over for the night at Josh’s, in a brand-
new sleeping bag on a blow-up bed which I’m sure she would later have great pleasure in
telling me was so much better than her own bed and cosy duvet at home. She’d be wanting to
move in with him soon, and I had no idea how I was going to deal with that. I just hoped Josh
would be sensible enough, and fair enough, to tell her it wouldn’t work. He was not the sort
who would manage to look after himself particularly well, let alone a teenaged girl. Food
shopping, cooking, laundry, the ironing, not to mention the moods, the periods . . .
I lay in bed and stretched my arms and legs out, wriggling my fingers and pointing my
toes, making one of those happy, good-to-be-alive star shapes that Eve and I had so loved
making when we were kids, but there was no elation, no surge of hope, no wonderful feeling
that anything was possible. Life had got in the way – real life – and the magic just didn’t
happen.
I had the house, and the double bed, to myself, and nothing to get up for. It should have
been bliss, but a strange feeling of emptiness had descended and all I could think of was how
alone I was. My mum dead, my husband gone, my daughter hardly speaking to me, a sister I
could no longer trust. Dad did his best but there were only so many shoes he could fill.
I dragged myself up and into the shower, letting the water stream over my hair and face
until it ran cold, then dressed in jeans and a floppy jumper and forced a bowl of cereal down.
The scene from the window was one of bare trees, light mist, a layer of frost still carpeting the ground. I always found winter depressing. Perhaps everything would look better come spring.
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I gazed at my gaunt face in the hall mirror. Perhaps I would look better come spring. But I was on my own now and the sooner I got used to that the better.
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CHAPTER 27
EVE
A date! At last, something to stop me obsessing over Arnie and pining over Josh. It had been
years since I had been on a real live date, spent any real quality time with a man who wasn’t
either gay or Josh. In fact, I had never been on a date with a man who wasn’t either gay or Josh!
Seb Barnes was a science teacher at the school, tall, dark and handsome, happily
divorced, and a couple of years younger than me. My first thought when he asked me out for
dinner was that he’d made a mistake, and my second was that I couldn’t believe my luck. It
was only when I got to thought number three that I started to worry. I was scared. I had no
experience of dating, of what was the norm these days. Would he expect me to tell him all
about myself, when I knew there were parts of my history I would much rather keep to myself?
Should I offer to split the bill? And what happened at the end of the evening? Go our separate
ways, or share a taxi, or would he be all chivalrous and want to see me to my door? And then
what? A kiss on the cheek, or on the lips, an invitation to come in for coffee, or more? Should I avoid the garlic and not drink too much, and choose my underwear carefully, just in case? I
felt like some silly teenaged virgin, frightened to do the wrong thing, and of the possible
consequences if I did.
Of course there was no such thing as the wrong thing. Or the right thing. Every man,
every date, every relationship, was different, and all I had to do was go with the flow, see what happened, what I felt. He might not even want to kiss me. He might spend an hour in my
company and be desperate for an escape route for all I knew. And he was no Arnie O’Connor.
I had to remember that. Any stupid lingering fears of being pressured or forced had to be pushed away now, or I would surely die an old maid!
I had changed my outfit four times, the discarded dresses and jackets and jewellery
littering my bed, before I felt reasonably satisfied with how I looked in a simple white top and a pair of nicely shaped, soft blue trousers. I’d been to the hairdresser’s after school, which
wasn’t strictly necessary but had given me a much-needed confidence boost, and I had the
perfect pair of mid-heel shoes and a brand-new bag lined up in the hall and ready to go. Only
the make-up to deal with now!
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When the doorbell rang, the sudden unexpected sound sent my hand slithering away from my eyelashes, leaving a streak of mascara across my cheek. ‘Oh, bugger!’ I grabbed for
a wipe and did my best to sort out my face before heading for the door.
The last person I had expected to see was Josh.
‘Oh!’
‘Is that all you can say?’
‘Okay, then. What are you doing here?’
‘Do I need a reason? Look, let’s start again, shall we? Hello, Eve. I just wanted to see
you. And to talk to you about something. Can I come in? Please?’
‘Well, no, not really.’ My heart had started to speed up. Josh had never been here, to
my new flat, before, and a part of me just wanted to fling my arms around his neck, cover him
in kisses and drag him inside. But we were past all that, weren’t we? What did he want anyway?
And why now? This was such bad timing I could scream. ‘I’m about to go out. Look at me.
New top and everything . . .’
‘I never saw anything wrong with the top you’ve already got.’ He looked at the outline
of my breasts and smiled, the old twinkle I knew so well appearing in his eyes. ‘And as for the everything . . .’
‘Stop it! I don’t have time for your nonsense. I told you, I’m going out.’
‘I see.’ He was pulling his disappointed, puppy-dog face. I looked down at my feet and
tried to resist it.
‘What do you see, Josh?’
‘No time for me these days, eh? And out with who, I wonder?’
‘With whom!’
‘Oh, don’t come the English teacher with me! Who the hell ever says whom?’
‘Okay, sorry.’ I tried not to laugh.
‘Fifty pence, Eve. One for every sorry, remember?’
‘Oh please, don’t play the nostalgia card. We’re older and wiser these days, and things
are different now. Very different. We’re finished, remember? You’re talking to the wrong
sister. The one who is allowed to go out with anyone she likes without needing permission
from you. Go on, go home to your wife.’
‘You haven’t heard then?’
‘Heard what?’
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‘That she’s chucked me out. Because of you, I might add, so you do owe me a few minutes at least.’
‘Because of me? Come on, Josh, she’s known about us for ages, and I thought you’d
