CHAPTER XIV
THE SCORN OF A WOMAN
It seemed at that moment as if I could not deny her. Every impulse ofmy soul cried out to me that it would be a very little thing to do,after all.
It was not the danger which threatened, that influenced me, not at allthat; it was her own supplication. The danger, and our own necessities,were very real for her, even if I, in my secret heart, made little ofthem.
For a moment I think I was undecided, but then the full force of whatsuch an act would mean, the full realisation of what I would become inmy own eyes by so stultifying myself, brought me back to energy, and Ireached forward, grasping her, and drew her to her feet; I rising,also.
"Zara," I said with deliberation, "once and for all, and for the lasttime, we must not discuss such a thing. If I should take the oath ofnihilism, if I should even consider doing so, I could not look into mymirror, save with horror. I am a man in the employ of his majesty, theczar. I have given him my word of honor, as an American gentleman, todo and perform certain things, and I will and must do and perform themall. I should say, too, that he did not seek me, but that I sought him.That is to say, he did not seek me with any knowledge on my part thathe did so, and I sought him while I was entirely ignorant that he evenguessed at my intent. Seeking him, I was brought into contact with him.I have found him to be a man who is worthy of much admiration; a manfor whom I have infinite respect and esteem, notwithstanding thecharges you make against him, and the things of which you deem himguilty." She made a gesture of repulsion, but I took no notice of it,and went on. "I find now, Zara, in the light of what has occurred herebetween us, and in the glory of our great love, that I must tell youwho and what I am, and how it happens that I am here with you, at thismoment." She bowed her head in acknowledgment of my statement, but madeno reply in words. She had changed wonderfully in the last few minutes,and she was cold now, and distant, shocked, I thought, by this newdifficulty that had come between us at the very moment of our greatesthappiness. "I am Daniel Derrington, an American. I have been, for manyyears in the past, in the service of my government as a diplomaticagent and secret service officer; something very much after thecharacter of what you would call over here, a spy. Yet, in my country,Zara, we have no spies, as you understand the term. My employment hasbeen an honorable one, and no man can defame it." She shrugged hershoulders, and I went on rapidly. "In the operation of my duties, Ihave visited St. Petersburg several times. From a distance, and as anobserver only, I have studied nihilism and the nihilist. Some time ago,a friend of mine whose name perhaps you will recognize, came to me andmade a suggestion, which, having followed, has ended by my being here."
"Who was that man?" she asked.
"Alexis Saberevski."
She nodded.
"I know him," she said simply.
"In coming to St. Petersburg and seeking audience with his majesty,acting thereby under the suggestion made by my friend, I proposed tothe czar the organization of a certain band of men whose duty it hasbeen, and is, and will continue to be until it is successful, to driveorganized nihilism out of Russia."
"You can never do that," said Zara, with fine contempt.
"I can do it. It shall be done."
She tore herself from my grasp and leaped to her feet, darting acrossthe room and placing the table between us, with a motion so quick thatshe was beyond my reach before I could detain her. I had expected fromher violent action, an outburst of words; but it did not come. Instead,she stood calmly beyond the table, leaning gently upon it with onehand, and gazed across the space that separated us, while she said,coolly, and not without contempt:
"Complete your story, Dubravnik. It interests me. I shall be gladindeed to hear it, finding as I now do, that I have permitted myself tofall in love with a professional spy."
"I HAVE PERMITTED MYSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH APROFESSIONAL SPY" (Page 208)]
God! how her tone hurt me! How the words she uttered pierced me! Howthe contemptuous scorn in her voice and manner, tore to shreds thefabric of a beatific existence I had created in my imagination! Amoment ago, confident of her love, her admiration, and her esteem, Isaw now, when it was too late, that the very announcement of myprofession had destroyed it, with a stroke as deadly as the knife of anassassin in the heart of his victim.
And I understood, also, why my statement should have had such an effectupon her. Reared as she had been, in the society of St. Petersburg;taught from her cradle to hate and despise, as well as to fear, a spy;educated in utter abhorrence of everything that pertains to that class,at the Russian capital, she could look upon me, now, only with horrorand loathing. I was that thing she had most despised. I was thatmonstrosity of creation, which, calling itself a man, was, according toZara's lights, without principal, honor, integrity, or manhood.
I stood before her, not with bowed head, as perhaps I might have donehad my true feelings been expressed, but with bowed and stricken heart,suddenly aware that I had gained the glory of her love only to lose it,and in a manner which carried with it no redress.
"I have completed an organization of men, Zara," I went on, calmly, andin a tone which I endeavored to render as monotonous as possible, "thathas for its purpose the undoing of nihilism, as it is now practiced.That body of men extends, in its ramifications, throughout St.Petersburg, and even to other cities of Russia. Its purpose, primarily,is not to send conspirators to Siberia to suffer exile there, with allthe other horrors that go with it, but to----"
"Enough!" she interrupted me. "I have heard quite enough, Dubravnik!What you say to me now, is meaningless twaddle. You are like all theothers who pit themselves against the silent body of men and women whoare engaged in seeking the freedom of their country. If you knewanything of the horrors of Siberia, to which you so glibly refer, youwould shudder when you mention them, and you would fly with horror fromany act of your own that might commit a person to Siberia, and exile."
She came half-way around the table, and stood facing me, somewhatnearer. "If you had taken a journey through Siberia before you offeredyour services to the czar, you would have strangled yourself, or havecut out your tongue, rather than have gone to him with any suchdastardly proposition as you confess yourself to have fathered. _You_prate of stultifying yourself by taking the oath of nihilism, andrepudiating your word to Alexander. YOU! YOU! A PROFESSIONAL SPY!" Shethrew back her head and laughed aloud, not with glee, but with utterderision of spirit, and I shrank from the sound of it as I might havedone from a blow in the face.
Again she was a creature of moods and impulses. Again the wild Tartarblood, leaping in her veins, controlled her. With a sudden move shecame nearer to me, and bending forward, looked into my face intently,as if searching for something which had hitherto escaped her notice.
"What are you doing, Zara?" I asked her; and she replied.
"I am searching for the man whom, but a moment ago, I thought I loved.I am seeking to find what it could have been that I saw in your eyes,or your face, or your manner, that has so '_stultified_' ME. It is anapt word, Dubravnik."
"Seek further, and perhaps you will find."
"No," she said. "He is gone, if he ever was there;" and she shrankslowly away from me, backward, across the room, until the table wasagain between us, and she stood leaning upon it with both hands thistime, peering at me with widened eyes that might have belonged to achild in the act of staring between the bars of a cage at some wildbeast confined within it.
It is impossible to describe her attitude and the expression of herface, at that moment. Horror, repulsion, contempt, loathing, evenhatred, were depicted there. I recognized the fact with shudderingdespair. I was that one thing which she most despised.
It is strange how the light of the world went out, for me. In realizingthe great calamity that had fallen upon me, I forgot all else; butstrangely enough I did not once think of appealing to her. Slowly Iturned away, and with slow strides approached the door which wouldadmit me to the corridor, and so permit me to pass from the ho
use tothe street.
I reached it; I drew it open. I did not turn my head to look at heragain, lest I should become unmanned, and degrade myself by pleadingwith her for the impossible. I passed into the hallway and pulled thedoor shut behind me, and then, somehow, I got as far as the balustrade,which, by following it, would lead me to the bottom of the stairs atthe house entrance.
My foot was upon the first step of the stairs when I heard rushingfootsteps behind me, and instantly was caught by clinging arms aroundmy neck, and I felt her hot and quick breath upon my cheek.
She did not speak; she only clung to me. I did not speak; but I turnedabout with restored strength, and with my spirit renewed. I seized herin my arms. I crushed her against me, violently. I raised her from herfeet, holding her as if she had been a child, and then, bearing herwith me, I strode backward through the doorway, and into the room I hadjust left. I carried her to the divan, and I seated her upon the edgeof it, still retaining my grasp upon her; and I said:
"Zara, you are mine. Nothing short of death shall take you from me. Inthe last few moments I have experienced all the horrors of a separationfrom you. A little while ago you loved me. Only a few moments ago, wewere all there was in creation. For a moment which has seemed aneternity, I believed that I had lost you, but when you followed me tothe landing of the stairway, I knew that I had not lost you, even forthat instant. You love me, Zara, and you shall be mine. Before God, youshall be!"
For a moment I thought she intended to struggle again, to escape me.Indeed, I was certain that she was on the point of doing so, and Itightened my grasp upon her while I dropped upon one knee, and added:
"Zara, let me hear you say once again that you love me."
Her answer was a burst of tears, and for a time she could find no otherexpression for her emotions; and while these lasted, she clung to methe more tightly, so that when, at last, the storm did come to an end,her lips were closely against my ear, and I heard the whispered words:
"I do love you."
But instantly she started away from me, and she cried out.
"Wait! wait, Dubravnik! I remember, now, that I had begun to tell you astory. I was telling you what made me a nihilist."
"Yes."
"I will finish the story, if you will let me."
"Finish it," I said; "but do so while my arm is around you, and withyour head resting against my shoulder. Let me hold you here, where youare, so that I may know I will not lose you again. You are a creatureof such changing impulses. That half-wild nature of yours is sometimesso violent in its conclusions. Tell me the story, Zara. I will listento it."
Princess Zara Page 14
