by Wilder, L.
His face was registered with acceptance as he brought his hand up, and rested it on my shoulder. “I wish you’d give it more time, but if this is what you think you should do, I’ll support you on it. When do you need to leave?”
I stood up and reached for my keys. “Tonight. There’s no need in delaying this thing any longer. It’s a long drive, so it will take me a couple of days to get back.”
“I’ll let the guys know. Just be careful,” Cotton told me as I turned towards the door. “Maverick?”
I looked over towards him as Cotton said, “Some choices can’t be undone. You need to be sure about this one, brother.” My eyes dropped down to the floor. The worn-out boards creaked beneath my feet, and I wondered how they managed to support my weight. I felt so heavy, like the unrelenting weight of the world was pressing down on my shoulders. It hurt to move… to even breathe. His words circled through my thoughts, and I knew he was right. This one decision could haunt me for the rest of my life, but I knew in my gut it was the right thing to do for John Warren… for my son.
I opened the door to my room, and stopped. It was hard to believe how much this room had changed in just one week. It’d been just a room. A place to crash when I needed it, but now I didn’t recognize it. John Warren’s presence filled the air, surrounding me with his warmth. My chest tightened as I thought about him not being here anymore. I tried to block the turmoil from my mind as I grabbed a bag and quickly began filling it with his clothes and toys. When I picked up the tiny giraffe that he slept with every night, I couldn’t hold it together any longer. My legs began to buckle under me when I thought about him lying in that crib with his tiny little fingers wrapped around the giraffe’s neck. It gutted me. I dropped down to my knees as I held the stuffed animal tightly in my hands, bringing it up close to my face so I could inhale JW’s scent. Damn. I’d never felt a hurt like this before.
Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t I be the father he needed? What the fuck was wrong with me? My chest tightened when I thought about taking him back to Lily. My heart shattered like broken glass when I thought about not being able to see his smile; to touch him… to hold him. He was a part of me- the best part of me- but I couldn’t stop the doubts from spiraling through my head. The darkness inside of me was growing, engulfing me. John Warren deserved more than I could give… a life not tarnished by the likes of me.
There was a tap on my door, and I had just enough time to get back on my feet before Cassidy walked in. John Warren was propped up on her hip with a handful of her hair in one hand and a bottle in the other. “I just finished giving little man his dinner and a bath. He’s all ready for bed.”
“Thanks, Cass.” She was one of the bartenders at the club. Even though she sometimes partied with the club girls, I trusted her to watch him. She’d come to love the kid in the short time he’d been here and enjoyed spending time with him. From the moment I brought him into the club, she couldn’t get enough of him, always wanting to hold him and play with him. Cass adored him, and I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do without her.
I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hands, trying to clear the tears away. When she noticed the expression on my face, she asked, “What’s going on? Are you ok?”
“Would you believe me if I said yes?” I responded, as I looked away from her and started to put the last of John Warren’s things in his bag.
“Seriously,” she snapped. “Tell me what’s going on, Maverick? Are you taking him somewhere?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, trying to reign in the emotions that threatened to tear me apart. I had to hold it together. “I’m taking him back to Lily and Goliath. They can give him what he needs… the life that he deserves…”
“What? No! You can’t do that, Maverick… He belongs here, with us… with you. You’re his dad. You’re all he needs,” Cassidy cried as the tears began to pool in her eyes.
“Look at him, Cassidy. He’s perfect. So innocent… so pure. All the good in the world is wrapped up in him.” She looked down at him, a grief-stricken expression on her beautiful face. “I’m no good for him. I’ll only fuck it all up if I keep him here. I love him. I love him like nothing else, and I have to protect him… protect him from my world… protect him from me.” I could feel the storm of emotions begin to take hold again, so I took JW from her arms and picked up his bag. “I don’t expect you to understand it, Cassidy, but this is something I have to do. I have to do this for him.”
“Please… please don’t do this,” she begged as she grabbed my arm. Her eyes pleaded with me to listen as she said, “This is a mistake. You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life!” I couldn’t listen to anymore. Trying my best to block out her cries, I walked past her and out the door.
I was relieved to see that the parking lot was empty as I sat John Warren into his car seat. When I clicked his seatbelt around him, he reached for my hand and smiled. That smile would be forever burned into my mind. I took his little hand and brought it up to my mouth, gently kissing the fingers that wrapped around mine. “I love you, JW. Always will.”
I handed the little guy his giraffe as I put the rest of the bags in the seat beside him. I closed his door and got into the car. I sat there for a few minutes in the silence, trying to pull my shit together. Everything was so quiet. It was like I was stuck in some kind of nightmare, lost in a deep fog, and then JW started to babble. He was talking to me like I knew exactly what he was saying.
I turned back to him and said, “I know, little buddy. I know.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and started the engine. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep, leaving me with a whirlwind of thoughts and questions. I still couldn’t believe how much had happened over the past year. If I had just known… if I hadn’t been so stupid and realized everything that was really going on with Hailey, maybe things could have been different.
