by S. M. Soto
Once I have a significant amount of wine and chocolate in front of me, I figure it’s now or never. I just hope she doesn’t hate me for keeping the truth from her, too.
“Luna’s father isn’t some guy I met at Caltech.” Julia freezes with her wine glass to her lips, her brows tugging low. “It’s Endymion.”
With slow, methodical movements, Julia sets her wine glass down onto the table and narrows her eyes to thin slits. “Elaborate. Right now.”
“A few days before I left for college, I slept with Endymion. It was perfect, and everything I’ve ever wanted, until it wasn’t. I didn’t know he was drunk, so drunk he didn’t remember anything the next day. He didn’t remember me, Julia. He drove off with Holly, and it felt like that was the last straw. I was hurt and upset. I wanted nothing to do with him ever again.”
Pain grips my chest when I see hurt flare in the depths of Julia’s eyes. “I’m your best friend. How could you keep this from me?”
I reach across the table, taking her hand in mine and squeezing. “Because I was so fucking embarrassed. I spent so many years chasing after a guy who didn’t even know I existed. I gave my virginity to him, and still, it wasn’t enough. I felt stupid.”
“Do you really think I care if you look stupid, Selene? I would’ve helped you. I would’ve…I don’t know what I would’ve done, but I would’ve been there for you.”
A hot tear leaks down my cheek. “I know you would’ve, and I’m so sorry, Julia. There were so many times I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how. I think I also knew you would’ve made me tell him.”
“Tell him what—” Julia’s eyes widen, and hell, I swear I even see the color leave her face. “Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, he doesn’t even know. How could you possibly think you could keep a man away from his child like this?” she reprimands.
“I don’t know! It wasn’t my intention. I just…I didn’t know how to tell him the truth. How could I? He didn’t even remember sleeping with me.”
She begins rubbing at her temples as if all this is starting to give her a headache. “God, Selene, how are you going to tell him?”
Grabbing the wine glass, I tip it back, downing most of it in one go. “I told him, and let’s just say…it didn’t go well. He hates me, Julia, and I know I deserve it. Hell, I probably deserve to be stoned or hanged or—”
“Okay, let’s not get too carried away.”
I blow out a sigh. “I know I deserve a lot worse, but it still hurts. His anger toward me. For the first time since I was that idiotic young girl, End was seeing me. I was the girl he wanted. He was chasing me.”
“Just give him time. Let him be angry, Sel. He has every right to be.”
“I know. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.”
Julia scoots her chair next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her side. I rest my head on her shoulder, trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears. “Even though you’re an asshole who has been keeping major secrets from me, I still love you. You have a good heart and the sweetest soul. He’ll see that sooner rather than later. I promise.”
“Have I told you how much I love you lately?”
Julia’s chest vibrates with a laugh. “Not nearly enough, babe. You got a ton of repenting to do.”
“Don’t I know it.”
I keep my finger hovered over the call button, unsure if I should wait for him to make the first move. He dropped the lawyer bomb on me earlier today, so a part of me feels like I should wait for him to come to me, but if this is going to work, he needs to spend time with Luna. Especially now that she knows the truth.
Well, most of it anyway.
Just do it. For Luna.
Swallowing my pride, I dial the number my father gave me earlier. After my talk with Luna this morning, we had McDonald’s for breakfast, then I let her run amok to play. While she was playing, I asked Dad for End’s number. I noticed there was a bit of hesitation in his eyes, but I tried not to read too much into it. I’ve been sitting on the number for what feels like hours, all because I’m afraid of what End will have to say.
With my heart banging against my chest, I call the number and listen as the line rings once, twice, and a third time, before the deep voice erupts on the other end of the line.
“Black Construction, this is Endymion, how can I help you?”
I open my mouth, a hello, or something intelligible is on the tip of my tongue, but all that falls from my lips is a horrendous squeak. He sounds just as handsome on the phone as he does in real life. If possible, his voice even sounds deeper here. “Hello?” he calls again, this time a little louder with a hint of impatience in his tone.
“Endymion. Hi.” I pause, slamming my eyes shut as I try to gather my thoughts. “It’s Selene.”
Silence.
Deafening silence.
“You still there?” I ask, pulling the phone away from my ear. Glancing down at the screen, I check to see if he ended the call. He didn’t.
“I’m here,” he says, his voice sounding much gruffer than it did before. “What do you want?” I flinch at the ice in his tone. My grip tightens on my cell phone.
“I just wanted to tell you that I talked to Luna. She, um…she knows about you. And I know you’ve spent time with her before, but I thought it would be a good idea for both of you to spend some more time together.”
“When?”
“Whenever works best for you—”
“I can be there in a few,” he says, cutting me off. There’s a brusqueness to his tone. It’s almost like he doesn’t even want to hear me speak.
“Okay, cool. Great. This is great. Thank you.”
He scoffs. It’s such an ugly sound that stabs viciously at my soul. “Don’t thank me for spending time with my own daughter.”
With that, he clicks off, and I slam my eyes shut. I deflate against the counter, hanging my head. I take a few minutes to compose myself, to prepare myself for more days like today. Hell, probably an eternity.
I get Luna dressed, and true to his word, Endymion is here in just a few short minutes. My parents have thankfully retreated to their own rooms. I think they understood how important this would be for Luna and Endymion, and the last thing they need is an audience dissecting every moment of their time together.
“Is he here?” Luna jumps up and down excitedly, and I grin down at her, glad at least one of us is feeling positive about this experience. Her eyes suddenly grow wide as if she’s just remembered something. “Oh, no! I forgot my toys in the room. Wait, Mommy!”
Sucking in a lungful of air, I palm the amethyst crystals in my pocket for strength and open the door. My breath gets lodged in my throat at the sight of him. Dressed in another flannel, a forest green and gray one that brings out the color of his eyes, and a black shirt with fitted jeans, he looks as handsome as ever. His hair is an unruly mess at the top of his head. If my memory serves me correctly, the strands are thick and silky to the touch. Rogue strands fall over his pale green eyes that are so opaque, they’re almost like moonstones dipped in an ethereal moss.
His jaw is set in a firm line. The muscles jump, no doubt as he grinds his teeth together. It’s obvious he’s not happy that he has to converse with me. He couldn’t be any colder toward me, even if he tried. I shift awkwardly on my feet, feeling anxiety twist my stomach. I tug at the hem of my shirt nervously, suddenly incapable of speech now that he’s here. I had everything I was going to say to him worked out. I planned on playing the part of the strong parental front, but that obviously isn’t working.
“Where is she?” he asks, glancing inside, over my shoulder.
As if answering for me, Luna’s feet pound along the oak floors as she runs down the hall. She’s wearing her favorite dress. It’s a white summer dress with sunflowers on it. Her brown hair hangs around her shoulders in little loose little curls that she’s had since she was a baby. I added a sunflower clip to each side of her head to keep the hair out of her face. Her little arms
are filled with toys. My lips quirk up in amusement as I watch her skid to an abrupt halt, her bright eyes looking up at Endymion.
As I watch my daughter stare up at her father, something happens in my chest. It’s a restricting sensation that makes it hard to breathe. I press my palm to my sternum, trying to rub the icy twinge away.
Luna’s cheeks are tinged a soft pink, just like mine usually are, as she stares up at Endymion. “Hi,” she whispers.
I risk a glance at Endymion’s face and find him staring down at Luna, a fierce look in his eyes that displays so much emotion, I internally berate myself. I’ve never seen him look so uncertain. Finding out you have a daughter you never knew about can’t be easy. It’s written all over his face.
“Hey there, Luna.” His tone is softer than I’ve ever heard. A voice reserved solely for our daughter.
Luna grins. She looks like a happy, bright-eyed little girl, just like she’s supposed to.
“I’m so happy you’re here!” she belts out excitedly, dropping the toys that are in her hands, and she throws her arms around Endymion’s legs, hugging him. He seems slightly taken aback at first but seems to recover quickly, wrapping his arms around her, then lifting her. Hurt skirts briefly across his face as he holds our daughter before he masks it. The view of them together like this, it has a fresh wave of tears stinging my eyes. They look like twins. She is quite literally a tiny version of Endymion. His hands span most of her back, making my sweet girl look tinier than she usually does in my arms.
When I glance back up at his face, my heart does something strange at that moment. It skips more than one beat. The way Endymion is looking down at Luna isn’t the way he’s looked at her before. This look is different. It’s filled with so much love and emotion that I don’t know how to process it. His eyes are soft as he stares down at her, his arms tightening around her like he never wants to let go. My chest caves with a burning discomfort, making it hard to pull in a single breath. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip until I feel the stitch of pain.
I lock eyes with Endymion, and he says so much at that moment without words. There are accusations in his eyes. Anger at me keeping his daughter from him. Depriving him of moments like this. I sniff past the pressure building in my nose, and I glance away. It suddenly feels like I’m an intruder, unwelcome here. I start backing away, but as if sensing that I’m getting ready to leave them alone, Luna whirls around in his hold, her brows tugging low over her cherubic little face.
“Where are you going, Mommy? Aren’t you going to play with us?”
I dart a quick glance at Endymion before looking back at her. “Oh, I don’t know, baby. I think you two should—”
“I think what your mom means is, we’re gonna hang out together in your grandpa’s living room.”
“Okay!” She scoops up her toys and runs at full speed into the living room.
“Thank you,” I whisper under my breath. He turns to look at me, his gaze searching mine. His lips thin.
“I didn’t do it for you.”
Parting with such harsh words, he follows Luna into the living room while I hang back a bit, trying to pull it together long enough that I won’t fall apart in front of them.
I take the furthest end of the couch, and I watch Endymion play with Luna. Or rather, he watches her as she plays and explains how the game goes. She introduces the names of her Barbies and their favorite things. He watches her so closely as if he’s committing everything about her to memory. He asks questions about the dolls and their favorite colors as if he truly wants to know the answers. He’s so good with her.
Without meaning to, as I watch Endymion with our daughter, I fall a little deeper in love with him. I’ve tried to pretend I don’t care about him anymore, but that’s a lie. I’ve always loved him.
“And this one is Moonstone,” she says, referring to one of her Barbies with black hair. “I named her that because she kinda looks like my mommy, doesn’t she? My mommy loves the moon. Did you know that?”
Endymion glances at me. “I didn’t know that,” he lies, humoring her.
“Yeah, my mommy is really smart, and she’s like the smartest mommy in the world. Oh, and she has all these cool stones she uses to do magic!”
I shake my head, laughing nervously. “Baby, I told you it’s not magic. The crystals are just something to believe in. Something to hold on to when you need extra strength. Remember, I said the magic isn’t in the stone, it’s in you.”
My stomach drops when I glance at End. He’s staring at me with narrowed eyes. I lick my suddenly dry lips.
“It’s not magic. I promise. It’s just crystals. Like these,” I say, digging into my pocket, pulling out the crystals I’ve been holding on to. His brows dip even more, and he nods slowly. He still doesn’t quite understand why I’m carrying them around with me.
Not many people do.
“Oh!” Luna yells. “Do you have any tattoos?”
Endymion chuckles at her brisk change in subject. “I do. Just a few.”
She grins. “So does my mommy!”
Again, he glances at me but says nothing. Thankfully, he asks her another question about a different Barbie, so we can get off the topic of me.
“And this one is one of my favorites. Theo bought it for me.”
End’s brows dip. “Who’s Theo?”
“Oh, he was our old neighbor. He always bought me and Mommy stuff.” Methodically, Endymion aims a questioning look at me. I feel my cheeks pink because I know what Luna’s going to say next before it even falls past her loose lips. “Yeah, he was in love with Mommy.”
My eyes slam shut. Great.
Just great.
“Luna Bella, that’s not true. Don’t say that.”
She shoots a glare at me. “Yeah, it is! He told Nana and me. He said he wanted to date you, but you always said no.”
I press my lips together, studiously avoiding Endymion’s gaze. I can feel it burning a hole through the side of my head. I clasp my hands together, pushing to my feet.
“You know what? I’m going to grab you guys some snacks. I’ll be back.” My voice betrays me, revealing just how nervous I am, and I practically run off.
“Okay, Mommy,” Luna says, cheerily oblivious. Once in the kitchen, I rub the crystal more fiercely, cursing myself for not keeping it together.
Theo is handsome. And sweet. But I wasn’t interested. I considered dating him, but it was hard. I’d just opened Moonchild, and I didn’t have a ton of free time on my hands, and the time I did have, I spent with Luna. We shared one kiss that woke up something inside me that had been dormant for years, but other than that, there was no spark or butterflies. What I felt with him was nothing like what I felt with Endymion, and that was the problem. It would’ve been unfair of me to go on a date with him, knowing deep down, he’d never measure up to the man I’d loved my entire life.
I was beginning to think no one would measure up. Endymion was a force all on his own.
Gathering some snacks for them, I set everything on a tray and start walking it back into the living room but pause as I listen in on their conversation, still hidden by the wall. Luna is telling Endymion a story about last Christmas, and I can hear his deep chuckle, his prying questions. A small smile turns up the corners of my mouth. I hang back a bit and listen a little longer, not wanting to ruin their moment.
“So, you like sunflowers?” his deep voice asks, referring to her outfit of choice.
“I do! It’s my favorite flower. Do you like sunflowers?”
Endymion pauses. “I do now.”
My heart squeezes. I slam my eyes shut, gripping the tray of snacks for dear life.
Once there’s a lull in the conversation, I drop the snacks on the table and make excuses, saying I need to wash clothes really quick and clean up the bedroom. When I glance at Endymion, there’s a knowing gleam in his eyes. He knows exactly what I’m doing, but obviously, he doesn’t say anything.
I retreat to the bedroom down t
he hall and rest on the bed. Flopping back on the sheets, I stare up at the ceiling. A deep sigh expels from my chest as I think about what the future could possibly hold for all of us.
It’s selfish of me to feel this way—I mean, hell, I’ve had six years of interrupted time with my daughter, and Endymion has had none, but I still can’t help but worry about the holidays. The times I’ll have to share her. The nights I’ll have to fall asleep without her. The thought alone is crippling. It squeezes my chest in an unrelenting fist and makes it hard to breathe.
A single tear leaks out of the corner of my eye, rolling down my temple and disappearing into my hair. I hate this feeling. I can definitely see why my parents stayed together all those years, to avoid this, the sharing. Having to go any amount of time without seeing your child is devastating.
I’m running through all the bad scenarios in my head and pause at the sound of light rapping at the door. Hastily, I wipe my face and sniff back the pressure in my nose, thinking it’s Luna. I don’t want her to see me cry. Getting to know her father should be a happy moment, not filled with my worries and my tears.
Imagine my surprise when my dad pops his head inside. He looks tired, with dark bags under his eyes and worry written all over his face. Some days he seems better than others, but today isn’t one of those days. Part of me thinks it has to do with the news I dropped about Endymion and me. I knew the stress would be too much for him.
Guilt is a heavy boulder resting on my shoulders. Not only am I a horrible human being for keeping a man away from his daughter, but I’ve lost precious time with my father, all because I couldn’t put my pride aside and pick up the goddamn phone.
Heaving a tired sigh, I push upright and rest my back against the headboard of my old bedroom, watching him as he steps into the room and perches on the edge of the mattress.
“How’re you doing, kiddo?”
I shrug noncommittally. “I’m managing. Trying to give them their space, even if it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“I bet. How’s Endymion handling it?”
A dry laugh bursts past my lips. “How is he? I’m surprised you didn’t hear him earlier. And if you couldn’t tell, he’s not good. He hates me,” I mumble.
