by Nikki Attree
Nikki is quite handy with a camera, and one of my first tasks was to be the poster pooch for Marta’s educational program. This involved visiting local schools, telling the children about the plight of stray mutts in Tenerife, and teaching them how to look after their pets properly. The posters tell the story of how I was abandoned, spent time as a homeless stray on the mean streets, and ended up being looked after in the refuge, before I was adopted. They show me giving the kids some tips on how to be a responsible dog owner, so that perhaps there might be fewer abandoned dogs roaming the streets in the future. By the way, you can find the posters, and some of my tips on the website: www.NobodysPoodle.com.
Posing for Nikki’s camera was easy for a naturally talented poser like me. I love it in fact, and as you’ll find out soon, her pics of my ‘loveable mutt’ features are all over the place now. You remember I told you how Katy and I loved to pose on Sally’s sofa just like we were on Breakfast TV? Well when she saw how cute we looked, she sent a picture to the local newspaper: Island Connections, and before you could say “wag a tail” they signed me up to write a regular column and give the pooch perspective on things. We called it: “Life According to Gizmo (It’s a Dog’s Life)”.
It was a real honour to be the first dog to write for them (or any other newspaper?), and I do my best to be their intrepid News Hound, doggedly sniffing out the breaking news. Some of the treatment that gets meted out to my fellow dogs & bitches makes me barking mad and when I report it, I tell it like it is - no messing (or ‘fouling’ as the humans prefer to say). But it’s not all shock-jock style reporting. I’m also a bit of a culture hound, and I try to keep my paw on the pulse of everything fun and funky in the canine world. If it’s happenin’ dude, then I’m tracking it, and as you know, us dogs are famous for our tracking skills.
We’ve always had our own methods for tracking things down. You humans use your clunky old computers when you want to search for something. You think you invented stuff like the Worldwide Web, Google, e-mails, social networking … but what you don’t realize is that us woofers have had this sort of stuff for ages. Not many people know this, but in fact we invented the idea of sharing information via a network (we called it the ‘SmellNet’), along with on-line messaging (‘SmellMail’), social networking (‘SmellBook’), and wi-fi (‘Wiffy’).
When I leave the house for my walkies, the first thing I do is log-on (or ‘sniff-on’ as we call it) at the nearest lamp-post. There are other places to go online of course: trees, curbs, walls. They are the doggie equivalent of an internet cafe: public wiffy spots where you can sniff-on, check out your mates in smell-space (our equivalent of cyberspace), and just hang out, chill, and look cool.
Then I pick up my smell-mails, see what’s been happening on SmellBook, and catch up with all the latest news and gossip. Who’s dating who; how is Hugo the Yorkshire Terrier* getting on with his new prescription diet; and is Luna the Bulldog** still arguing with Speedy G** the Jack Russell, over ownership of a bone they buried three months ago.
So, now I’ve sniffed-on and checked out what’s been happening in local smell-space, I might add a comment or perhaps a ‘like’ by leaving a bit of pee on the lamp-post. Then I usually mosey on down to the wall near the rubbish bins. The wiffy signal is especially good there, and it gets a lot of ‘hits’, so it’s always a good place to sniff-on and reach a big audience.
Anyway, that’s how us dogs have been keeping in touch since the dawn of history, and it’s only taken you humans a few millennia to catch up. You reckon you invented language, you like to to talk about the ‘word of mouth’, and for the past few decades you’ve had your internet to spread the word, but us dogs have been woofing and using the ‘power of smell’ to deliver messages since … well, as I said, the dawn of canine history.
Of course in my role as a spokes-mutt for stray dogs I do often use the human internet, and especially FaceBook. My own page: Snr Gizmo has several thousand followers. There are loads of Nikki’s pics of me there, and I’m getting some very flattering comments. Having a high profile online does have it’s downside though. Along with all the SmellMail messages from my muttly fans, and the genuine mail that people send to [email protected], I also get my fair share of time-wasting e-mails. Now I’m as partial as the next mutt to a nice juicy can of spam, but these buggers are more like a can of worms.
For example, I got one recently from an African chap called Nadu Totow Savimbi. It’s a very sad tale of how despite inheriting a lot of money, he’s been unable to access his bank account, due to the overthrow of the government in his country. Nadu explains that he has twenty wives, seventy-eight children, and ten grandmothers to support, and that he desperately needs my bank account details, passport etc so that he’ll then be able to transfer his late father’s thirty-seven million dollar estate into my account. Of course he’ll also bung me a few million quid just for letting him use my account and helping him with his extended family.
Woof-bloody-tastic, no? Sorry, but does Nadu really think I was born yesterday? and doesn’t he understand that I’m a dog and unlikely to need a bank account? Honestly, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - some humans must have fur for brains! I mean, why don’t I ever get an e-mail from someone who says they’re going to transfer two tons of dog biscuits to my bowl, just so that their dog can access it, as his own has been frozen. Now that would be talking my language, but realistically I suppose it’s unlikely to happen. A dog can dream though, and talking of dreams …
All this has got me thinking. My face is on posters, I’m writing a column for the local newspaper, and I’m all over the internet (both doggie and human). If I wrote my life story, surely it would bound to be a wooftastic success? I know I’m still a bit young to be a celeb, but then so were Michael Jackson, Naomi Campbell, Wayne Rooney, and David Beckham (he’s already ‘written’ three so far) when they had their autobiographies published, and how many have they sold? Ha, they needed ghost-writers to get in print (apparently Naomi admits she’s never even read hers!). My humans certainly aren’t ghosts. I mean, I could become a doggie legend just like Lassie, Marley, Scooby Doo …
I can just see it now: books ignings, photoshoots for the cover of ‘Hello Bark’ magazine, TV appearances, perhaps my own breakfast show copresented with my furry amiga: ‘Good Morning, on the sofa with Gizmo and Katy’.
Of course it wouldn’t all happen at once. The book would start off as a bit of an underground cult thing, and the first signing party would be quite low-key. Just a few people and dogs in-the-know, somewhere intimate but quintessentially stylish. A few glasses of bubbly liquid, a few nibbles, a few of my muttly mates - actually they’ll nibble anything and everything. You get the idea …
(ps by the time you get to read this, you never know, there might actually be a YouTube video of my first book signing party, and if you look on the website: www.NobodysPoodle.com you might just find it there (but as we dogs say: “don’t hold your breath”) … and by the way, could this possibly be the first ever novel by a promising new writer that actually comes with a description and video of the author’s first book signing? How cool is that?)
In next-to-no-time (that’s a dog’s kind of time lapse) it would go from underground cult to mainstream hit, and the movie deal would be sure to follow. Before you can say “Hog-Warts-and-All” I’d be jetting off to Hollywood, trailed by paparazzi trying to hack into my phone (I bet they can’t hack my iBone). And there’s the rub, the downside of fame: no privacy to call your own. I’d have to start wearing dark glasses when I’m out and about. Beautiful bitches will be following me around offering to have my puppies (tougheh), and fans will want to camp outside my house and howl my name all night. Actually that might annoy Nikki and Richard a bit, best keep my address private.
Don’t worry though, I’d keep my paws on the ground. I wouldn’t let fame go to my head and give in to some of the stuff you read about celebs. No late-night bis
cuits coffing, sniffing weird shit, mass humping sessions … or at least, not too many anyway. Nope, I’d still be the same old Gizmo, just a bit more high profile - strutting my stuff on the red carpet, hanging out with ma bitches, posing for the paparazzi … you get my drift …
Ah yes, a dog can dream, but before I get too carried away, I’d better finish this book (nearly there, as you can see). Now, what am I going to call it?
Well, my first thoughts were that I could go for the tabloid market, with a title that hints at lots of sexual shenanigans, maybe something like: ‘Life’s a Bitch!”. I might sell a few on the back of that, especially with some saucy pictures, although I’m not sure that the illustrator would approve (eh Annie?), and it’s not really got much to do with my story has it?
Obviously I can’t do Chick Lit, but perhaps I should go for the ex-pat diary / travel angle. It’s always been a successful genre and inspired some mega best-sellers. Let’s think now … how about: ‘Bouncing over Bones’ or ‘More Saliva than Salsa’?
Yep, now we’re getting closer, but as you all know by now I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of an intellectual, or dare I say it myself, a canine philosopher. I’m forever stopping in the middle of a good sniff to ask myself deep and meaningful questions like: “if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?”; or “if I bury a bone so well that nobody finds it ever again, does it still exist?”. So I was tempted to call my book something clever like: ‘I Woof, therefore I Am’’. Deeply wooftastic eh? I mean, with a title like that they’d be bound to take me seriously, no? I’d be all over Radio 4 and Newsnight Book Review.
But then I thought: “yes dude, it’s clever, but it’s not very snappy, and maybe I can come up with something that really says who I am”. OK for sure I’m a woofer so I woof, and therefore I am; and clearly I am, so therefore, obviously I woof … and as you all know by now, I’m definitely an highly intelligent super-sophisto dog … but who is this Gizmo? What’s he really all about?
When it comes down to it, I’m more street Doodle dude than poncy Poodle, and I’ve always been my own dog. Never a stand-in for another dog. I’m all about standing up for the Underdog, even if it has got me into a few scrapes.
Aha, I’VE GOT IT … as I’ve said all along:
I am Nobody’s Poodle
But I’m Somebody’s Doodle,
And I Woof … therefore I Am!
About The Authors
NIKKI ATTREE studied photography at the University of London, graduating with a BA in 1987, before going on to work as a freelance photographer and digital artist in the UK. You can view her work on her website: www.NikkiAttree.com. Since moving to Tenerife in 2007, she has been helping to promote the hardworking animal rescue centres there by producing calendars and educational poster campaigns. Her website: TenerifeDogs.com is dedicated to finding homes for the island’s abandoned dogs, as well as being a mine of information and an insight into the canine world. Despite being disadvantaged at school by mild dylexia and a woefully un-supportive English teacher, she has recently discovered an unexpected passion for writing. After years of feeling like a mobile Christmas tree or a heavily laden donkey, with state-of-the-art cameras and flash guns dangling from her every limb, it is refreshing for Nikki to do something creative without needing to be weighed down by tons of the very latest technology.
RICHARD ATTREE grew up in London in the 60’s and left home as soon as he could to study a variety of useless subjects (philosophy), and play keyboards in various unsuccessful bands. For the next 25 years he made his living (sometimes sporadically) as a composer of music for TV, working at the BBC’s renowned Radiophonic Workshop before going freelance with his own studio near Brighton. To hear some of his music visit his website: www.AttreeMusic.com. Tiring of the stresses of freelance life he decided to retire, sell up, and “downshift” to a sunny, windy beach on The Reef (Tenerife). Despite working for most of his life as a musician, Richard has always hankered after the straightforward, direct communication of language when struggling with the complexities of producing electronic music or hauling tons of keyboards up several flights of stairs. Retiring from the music business has given him the opportunity to get to grips with writing, as well as indulge in his other lifelong passion: windsurfing, which he and Nikki discovered together in the mid 80’s and which has intervened heavily in their lives since. To read about their windsurfing adventures, and life on the Reef, check out their blog: LifeOnTheReef.blogspot.
GIZMO was abandoned on the mean streets of Tenerife when he was one year old, and spent some time in the Accion-del-Sol refuge, before being adopted by Nikki and Richard. The first step on his meteoric rise to stardom came when he took over the role of spokes-mutt for Nikki’s website: TenerifeDogs.com. One of his first tasks was to be the poster pooch for Accion-del-Sol’s educational program. This involved visiting local schools, telling the children about the plight of stray mutts in Tenerife, and teaching them how to look after their pets properly. Before you could say “wag a tail” he’d been signed up by Island Connections newspaper to be their intrepid news hound, doggedly sniffing out the breaking news and giving the pooch perspective in his regular column: ‘Life According to Gizmo (It’s a Dog’s Life)’. After graduating with a diploma from the Star Agility class, he decided to share his story with a wider public by enlisting Nikki and Richard to ghost-write his first book: ‘Nobody’s Poodle’. You can find his posters, read his articles, and catch up with all the news about the book on www.NobodysPoodle.com as well as follow him on his Facebook page: Snr Gizmo. Besides his many other accomplishments Gizmo is an expert in woofing, sniffing, digging, chasing cats, siestas, and looking cute.
About The Illustrator
ANNIE CHAPMAN trained in Graphic design and illustration as well as Art and drama. She is originally from Lincolnshire in England but has spent over 20 years living and working in Tenerife and has worked as the principal Art teacher at a private British school in Tenerife for the past ten years, where she teaches art up to A-level. She has exhibited her artwork on the island and has illustrated two published books. Although primarily a cat-person Annie has thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Gizmo and his friends and is 100% pooch-friendly.
Endnotes
Chapter One
* in fact I’m a ‘Lab-Doodle’, and if you’re intrigued by this, you can find out more about them at www.doodlemania.co.uk.
Chapter Two
* “I Woof therefore I am” does the trick for me, but we’ll leave that thought for later.
Chapter Three
(* by the way, isn’t it interesting that humans have never figured out that what they call ‘God’ is actually a Big Backwards Dog)
Chapter Eight
* remember him from chapter three? the ‘babe magnet’ Yorkie dude who was already slightly past his sell-by date? well lately he’s been suffering from kidney stones that have unfortunately rather stymied his adventures with the babes.
** my cage mates from chapter five have been locked in a protracted disagreement that’s been dragging on ever since they left the refuge, and will probably end up in court. Bone ownership rights are always tricky to settle in Canine law.
