by Jon Fosse
I hope it stops soon, The Doctor says
and the man sitting there keeping watch on him says that it keeps changing, sometimes he’s almost not shaking at all but then he starts shaking again, he says and The Doctor says that’s good to hear and then he goes over to the other bed and The Doctor puts his hand in front of the mouth and nose of the man lying there and takes his pulse and he says that he’s gone and the man on the chair says he hadn’t noticed anything unusual and The Doctor says he’s dead and I see two people come in and then wheel the bed with the dead man out of the room and then Asle is lying there alone and the man sitting there gets up and goes over to the window and stays standing there looking out and then he looks at Asle and he sees that his body has started shaking again, up and down his body jerks, he sees, and I think that I don’t understand why I suddenly decided I had to drive back into Bjørgvin to visit Asle and that was when I found him lying in the snow in The Lane, partly up on the stairs to a front door, lying there covered in snow, I think and I don’t want to think about Asle anymore, I think and then I think that I’m a good driver, the only thing is I don’t like driving in cities, because then I get flustered, yes, I get so confused that I could easily hit someone, I think and that would be pretty much the worse thing that could happen, I can’t imagine anything worse than hitting someone with my car, being responsible for someone being killed or crippled because I hit them, no, even thinking about it is totally unbearable, I think and I sit in my car in the parking space in front of The Beyer Gallery and I look at the white wall in front of me and one snowflake after another lands on the windshield and I look at the white wall and I see Mother come running up and she calls Father and he comes and then they go to the room where Asle and Sister sleep and Asle is behind Father and he sees Father stand there and shake and shake his sister Alida and Asle hears Father say he doesn’t know what’s wrong, but Sister seems totally lifeless, yes, it’s like she’s dead, he says and Asle just stands there and then Father goes and calls The Doctor and Asle just stands there, and he thinks what happened? he doesn’t understand a thing, he thinks and Mother and Father just stand there next to his sister Alida’s bed, he thinks and then The Doctor comes and he goes in to Sister and he says he can only tell them the truth, he says, that she’s dead, it doesn’t happen often but sometimes children just die suddenly, and when is happens the reason is most often a congenital heart defect, The Doctor says, but the best thing would be if Sister had an autopsy, he says, because then they might find out the cause of death for certain, The Doctor says and then he leaves and I look at the white wall and so many snowflakes have landed on the windshield by now that the white wall is barely visible, and the snow is falling so thick that it’s impossible to tell one snowflake from another, and I look at the white wall and I see Asle sitting in church, and everything is just horrible and awful, he thinks and he thinks that his sister Alida was carried away on a stretcher that was put into an ambulance, and that was the last he ever saw of Sister, he thinks, because she was put in a white coffin that was sealed up again and now it’s at the front of the church and all the kids from school are there and some adults and everything’s horrible and unbearable, Asle thinks and he hears The Minister say something about it being hard to find meaning in sister Alida dying so suddenly, it is hard to understand what the almighty God could have wanted to achieve with that, but still there is a meaning in it, even if we can’t understand the meaning, The Minister says, and then he says that Christ died for our sins and because he rose from the dead we too will do the same one day, he says, someday Sister will rise up from the dead, but for now she’s with God, now she is living in God’s peace, so we shouldn’t grieve, because Sister is happy now, she is in a good place, what Sister really was is there, what Sister is, her soul, her spirit, is gone now and only her body remains here, and that’s not Sister, that is just a dead body, The Minister says and Asle thinks that he has to agree with The Minister about that, because his sister Alida’s body lying there stiff and white and with no movement at all in it that isn’t Sister, that is something else, something totally different from Sister, because sister Alida was a life in the body that’s now lying there lifeless, up there in the white box, and when the life was gone Sister was gone too, that’s how it was, none of sister Alida was there anymore because the corpse that lay there in the bed and that’s lying here now in the white box isn’t his sister Alida, just something stiff and cold, Asle thinks and he thinks that there’s no meaning in the fact that his sister Alida died and it’s not something that God could have possibly wanted, so it must be that something God didn’t want to have happen happened, Asle thinks and I look at the white wall and the snow is now covering the whole windshield and I can’t see the wall and I look at the windshield covered with snow and I think that it was to share in the human condition, our sorrows, that God became man and died and rose up again, because with him, with the resurrected Christ, all people were resurrected too, I think and I think that this is just a meaningless word, I think and I look at the windshield that’s now totally covered with snow so that I can’t see the white wall anymore and I think that since God is eternal and outside of space and time everything is simultaneous in God, yes, in God everything that has happened and is happening and will happen are all simultaneous, so that’s why all the dead have already awoken, yes, they live, yes, they live the way they were and simultaneously as part of God, I think and I look at the snow covering the windshield and I see Asle sitting there in church and he’s thinking that everything that idiot Minister up there is reeling off, about how there actually is meaning in the meaningless death of his sister Alida, is an insult, that’s how he sees it, because Sister is dead and there’s no meaning in it and so there’s no meaning in life and you have to just live with that and that means you might as well be dead, Asle thinks, and if he wants to be able to live with meaningless suffering he needs to stop listening to the kind of meaningless talk that The Minister is reeling off, Asle thinks, because the meaning The Minister is talking about is a kind of torment while meaninglessness gives you a kind of peace, you might say, Asle thinks and he thinks that he doesn’t want to be confirmed and I sit in my car parked here in front of The Beyer Gallery and I look and look at the snow covering the windshield and I think that one of the most important things when it comes to painting is being able to stop at the right time, to know when a picture is saying what it can say, if you keep going too long then more often than not the picture’ll be ruined, yes, I knew that even when I was painting my very first picture, I think, sure you can scrape it off and repaint it, or paint over it, but then the picture kind of no longer gives itself, and that’s what a picture should do, it should come to you on its own, like something that just happens, like a gift, yes, a good picture is a gift, and a kind of prayer, it’s both a gift and a prayer of gratitude, I think and I never could have painted a good picture through force of will, because art just happens, art occurs, that’s how it is, and once I’ve gotten as far as I can with a picture I stand back and look at the picture in the dark, yes, look at it when it’s as dark in the room as I can make it, I think, and in the summer it never gets really dark so that’s why the autumn and winter are the best time to paint for me and the pictures I paint in spring and summer have to wait until autumn or winter before I can really see them, yes, in the darkness, yes, I need to see pictures in the dark to see if they shine, and to make them shine more, or better, or truer, or however it’s possible to say it, anyway the picture has to have the shining darkness in it, I think and I think when I get home later today I should start painting again, because I have a bad feeling that something has stopped in a way, that I’m not going to be able to paint any more, that I don’t have any desire to paint anymore, that I don’t want to paint anymore, so I need to start painting something new today, I think, and I should get home as soon as I can so if only Beyer would show up now, I think, because what Beyer always wants is to open the show a little before Christmas, he t
hinks that’s the best time to open a show if you want to sell as many pictures as you can, and then you can keep the show going until New Year’s and then, at New Year’s, is often when most of the pictures get sold, I think, and during Advent once I’ve driven down to Bjørgvin, like today, and delivered the paintings to Beyer it’s like I’m finishing something so that I can start something new, I think and I think that I don’t have any desire to start any new pictures, the desire I usually always have after I’ve delivered the paintings, yes, I usually feel a strong need to start painting again that same day, because it’s like I’m starting a new picture after I’ve delivered the paintings because all the pictures in an exhibition go together in a way, yes, it’s as if they’re all one picture, I think, and this need to paint that I’ve had ever since I was a boy can’t just suddenly disappear? yes, from the first time I painted I wanted to keep painting since I was so good at it, but after a while being good at it was totally unimportant, yes, it was a mistake, I didn’t want to be good at it, I wanted to paint just so that I could say something that couldn’t be said any other way, yes, paint from a faraway closeness, that’s how I think about it, I think, yes, make the blackness shine, yes, paint away the shining darkness, I think, and how often I’ve thought these thoughts, I think, because I always think the same thoughts over and over again and I paint the same picture over and over again, yes, it’s true, but at the same time every single picture is different, and then all the pictures go together in a kind of series, yes, every exhibition is its own series, and finally all the paintings I’ve ever painted go together and make up a single picture, I think, it’s like there’s a picture somewhere or other inside me that’s my innermost picture, that I try again and again to paint away, and the closer I get to that picture the better the picture I’ve painted is, but the innermost picture isn’t actually a picture of course, because the innermost picture doesn’t exist, it just is in a way, without existing, it is but it doesn’t exist, and somehow it’s as if the picture that isn’t a picture sort of leads all the other pictures and pulls them in, kind of, I think, but maybe I’ve now painted everything I can paint from this innermost picture of mine? I think, maybe I’ve now in a way entered into this innermost picture and thereby destroyed it? I think, but this going into your innermost picture, yes, seeing it, well that’s probably the same thing as dying? I think, yes, maybe it’s the same thing as seeing God? and whoever sees God has died, as is written, I think and I look at the snow that’s covering the windshield and I see Asle standing there in the room and I see Mother standing there looking at him
You don’t want to be confirmed? she says
and she plops down on the sofa
I’ve never heard of anyone not getting confirmed, she says
What kind of talk is that? she says
and she says that it’s the old custom, confirmation is when you stop being a child and become a grown-up, she says
It’s true what your mother is saying, Father says
and look he’s said something for once, he hardly ever does, Asle thinks
You have to get confirmed, Father says
and he says that Asle’ll get presents, and he and Mother will throw a party for him, and he’ll get a dark suit and white shirt and tie, yes, the same as all the other boys his age, and all the girls will get a traditional dress for confirmation, Hardanger embroidery, that’s just how it is, Father says and Asle thinks well then he’ll get confirmed, that’s easy enough, and he thinks that as soon as he’s old enough, when he’s sixteen, he’ll write to The Minister and withdraw from The National Church, because Christianity the way it’s preached is nothing but a way to torment people, and it’s only getting worse, Asle thinks and I sit in the car and I shiver a little and I’m waiting for Beyer to come back to his gallery and I look at the snow that’s covering the windshield and I see Asle sitting at the table in the rented room in Aga on the day he turned sixteen and he’s writing a letter to The Minister in Stranda and he writes that he wants to withdraw from The National Church and I look at the snow that’s covering the windshield and I think that it was only when I met Ales that I started thinking that only God was with sister Alida when she died, and that she was now with God in peace, in his peace, in God’s light, I think, because God doesn’t want us to die, he came down to Earth because people and God were separated and because God is love and free will is a prerequisite for love, and therefore also for sin, or death, yes, because that’s what separates human beings from God, I think, and God and humanity were reunited in Christ, in and through and with his death on the cross, so now neither people nor God have to die, but does that mean anything? does it make sense to think things like that? I think, but that’s how Ales used to think, I think and I think that Ales was born into The Catholic Church because her mother Judit was Catholic, she was from Austria and she’d fled to Norway, and Ales and I used to talk and talk together and eventually I understood that what she was saying was true, it was true in its way, because Ales and I went to mass together, and the Eucharist, as they say, means that both Christ and the people who take part in the ceremony together with him offer themselves up, in and through Christ’s body in the transsubstantiated host, as they say, and in that way they died together for dead they loved every time they went to mass, and in that way they rose up again with the dead they loved every time they went to mass, Ales said and it felt true, it felt real, I think and I think that it’s obviously not the only truth but it’s a truth, it too, I think, yes, it’s almost like a language, because every language gives you access to its share of reality, and the different religions are different languages that can each have its truth, and its lack of truth, I think and it’s foolish to think that God is anything defined, anything you can say something about, Ales said and of course she was right, I think and I think that people can’t have free will if God is eternal and everything is in God, past, present, future, or actually of course it’s possible, because God can know everything, can have everything in him, even if it isn’t he who willed it, who set it in motion, I think, but thoughts like that don’t mean much and really its only art, maybe, in the best case, that can say anything about the truth that belief contains, or not say anything about it but show it, I think and I think that Ales also said that God is not all-powerful, he is powerful in his powerlessness, it is God as Jesus Christ hanging powerless, nailed to the cross, who is powerful, it’s his powerlessness that gives him power, that makes him all-powerful, for eternity, yes, God is powerless, not powerful, I think, anyway that’s what Ales thought, I think and I think that maybe these are just empty thoughts but I think them anyway, that it’s powerlessness that gives power, but whatever I think or don’t think there’s little or nothing to say, I think and I look at the snow covering the windshield and I think that I stopped at the turn-off near the brown house the day before yesterday and from there I could see two lovers together in a playground playing like children on the swings and seesaw and in the sandbox, and it was nice to see them, I think and I look at the snow covering the windshield and I think what ever happened to them all, well Sigve died many years ago, he dropped dead one morning while going to work, I know that, but what happened to Geir and Terje and to Olve who I played in the band with when I was going to middle school? and to Amund, who took over for me? I think and someone or other said that Olve went to prison after that, and that he’d been in various dance bands, I think, because after I moved to Aga I almost never went back to Barmen, I got anxious whenever I went, and I don’t know why but it was like I was filled with unease and I would drive home the same day I went to visit, I never once spent the night in Barmen since the day I moved to Aga to go to The Academic High School, I think, and it’s incredible that I started at The Academic High School because I was, well, to tell the truth I was really terrible in school, I was downright slow, and especially bad at maths, it was impossible for me to understand numbers, they just didn’t mean anything to me, they gave me nothing, and honestly they still
don’t, I think, and that was why when I was going to primary school I used to sit and draw in my maths books and I drew so well that The Schoolmaster told my parents that I had a gift for drawing, and maybe for painting too, and so maybe they should buy me some painting supplies, and they did, but I was still just as bad when it came to maths, The Schoolmaster eventually managed to teach me the most basic things and after a lot of struggling I could do what I was asked to do, I learned that what mattered what not to try to think about it but just to do what I was told I should do, I had to keep every last thought out of my mind strictly in order do what The Schoolmaster said I needed to do, and that’s how I got through maths problems, I think and I sit and look at the snow convering the windshield and I think that once I’ve dropped off the paintings I’ll take a taxi straight to The Hospital, I have to go see Asle today, don’t I? I think and if Asle wants me to run any errands for him I’ll do it, and I still feel tired, sleepy, actually I’m exhausted now that I come to think of it, to tell the truth, because I’m not young anymore, no, to tell the truth I’m an old man, I think and I’m all alone in the world, yes, I’d have to say, there’s almost no one besides Åsleik and Beyer that I’m in touch with, yes, really it’s just the two of them, and then Asle, I think, because Ales and I lived pretty much entirely on our own, it was like we didn’t need any other people besides each other, we shared our world, that was it, and naturally I also knew Åsleik and talked to him when Ales was alive but it was mostly after she died that we started seeing more of each other, and I’ve known Asle all these years, and I’ve known Beyer all these years, and Beyer and I are probably friends in our way, but we’re probably mostly friends in art, to put it that way, or business partners, that’s probably closer to the truth, Beyer would probably put it that way, I think and I look at the snow covering the windshield and I see Asle standing in front of Father listening to Father say that he thought Asle could try to put on an exhibition of the paintings he’s painted, because that might make him a little money and that would come in handy in the autumn when he moved to Aga and started at The Academic High School, Father says, well it’s not that he’s sure someone would buy something, he’s not, but it wouldn’t hurt to try, Father says and then he says Asle could maybe show his paintings in the Barmen Youth Centre over the summer, since, well, people buy all sorts of things so who knows, maybe Asle can sell a picture or two, anyway it’s worth trying, Father says, because there were so many people in town, both in Barmen and sometimes in Stranda too, who’d had him paint a picture of their house and farm and at least some of them would want to come see a show and now, over the summer, there were lots of city people too, especially from Bjørgvin, who drove through Barmen and maybe some of them would feel like stopping to take a look at the pictures, Father says and he says that he could ask the manager at The Co-op Store if Asle could put up a sign in the window saying that there’s an Art Exhibition at The Barmen Youth Centre, no less, but in that case Asle would have to make a sign to hang in the window of The Co-op Store so that everyone in Barmen who went shopping at The Co-op Store would know about it, about there being an Art Exhibition at The Barmen Youth Centre, yes, Father says and of course people’ll start to talk about it, yes, news of this art exhibition of Asle’s will get around, so he’s sure people will come look at the pictures at least, but as for whether anyone will want to buy one, no, he’s not as sure about that, he has his doubts about that one, but, as they say, it’s worth trying, Father says, and for all he knows maybe there are some folks who could see themselves buying one of these paintings of his even if they didn’t look like anything, after all people are different, people like different things, he says, but if no one sees the paintings and they’re just piled up in Asle’s room then definitely no one will buy them, that’s for sure, Father says, you need to show people the pictures if you want anyone to buy them, Father says and Asle can surely get permission to show his pictures in The Barmen Youth Centre, Father says and Asle thinks that’s not such a bad idea, even if he doesn’t sell a single painting well at least he’ll have put on a show, so he should definitely go ask The Man in Charge of The Barmen Youth Group if he can put on an exhibition in The Barmen Youth Centre this summer, in July, and then he’ll paint a sign that Father can hang up in one of the display windows at The Co-op Store, Asle thinks, and then people might come look at the pictures, people from Barmen who’ve already bought pictures from him and maybe some from Stranda, and maybe one or two people from Bjørgvin who happen to be driving through will stop in, who knows, Asle thinks, and then maybe he’ll sell a painting, because these are so much better and truer than all the other pictures he’s painted from photographs, he thinks, yes, he should definitely exhibit the art, yes, Asle thinks and I sit here in the car and I look at the snow covering the windshield and I think that for all I know it’s still snowing and I think that now Beyer really needs to get back to his gallery soon and I look at the snow that’s covering the windshield and I see Asle standing there in front of the sign hanging in the window of The Co-op Store and written on top is Art Exhibition and underneath Asle has painted a picture of The Barmen Youth Centre and under that he’s written that there’s an exhibition at The Barmen Youth Centre and it’ll be open between two and five o’clock through the whole month of July, because the same day Father thought of the idea of this exhibition he’s now looking at the sign for, Asle thinks, he, Asle, had gone to The Man in Charge of The Barmen Youth Group and asked if he could use The Youth Centre to put on a show of his paintings this summer and The Man in Charge had said yes of course, why not, he said and then Asle got the keys to The Barmen Youth Centre and I sit here in the car and it’s cold and I think that now Beyer really needs to come soon so I can deliver the pictures and I look at the snow that’s covering the windshield and I see Asle sitting there at a table in front of the stage in The Barmen Youth Centre and he’s thinking he’s chosen nine paintings for the show and then brought them over to The Barmen Youth Centre, it took several trips, but it wasn’t more than a mile or so to walk so it was easy to do, and once he finally had all the paintings in The Barmen Youth Centre he took a hammer and nails and started hanging up the paintings, nine of them, he had more but there were two he didn’t want to sell, that he wanted to keep for himself, and then there were some that he wasn’t totally happy with, or else not totally done with, and he thought that these nine made a pretty good number to put up in the auditorium, and that these nine paintings made up a nice picture all together, but the painting at the back of the little stage, the scene of the village with the high cliff and the blue fjord and the blossoming birch trees kind of ruined things for the other pictures, they were kind of ashamed of it, Asle thought and then he went home to Mother, he thinks, sitting behind the table in The Barmen Youth Centre, and he asked if he could borrow four white sheets and he could and he took the sheets and went to The Barmen Youth Centre with them and by standing on a table that he found behind the set onstage he’d managed to drape the sheets over the stage set until finally it was entirely covered with white sheets and actually it looked a little like a ghost, Asle thinks, and that didn’t matter, that didn’t do anything to the paintings, he thinks and then the exhibition was ready and now he just has to wait to see if people will come look at it, Asle thinks and then he somehow got the table down off the stage into the room and found a chair behind the stage too and then he sat down behind the table, he put it right in front of the stage and now he’s sitting there, he thinks, yes, he’s sitting there looking at the paintings and now everything’s ready, now people just need to come, he thinks and then he hears footsteps and the door opens and then The Man in Charge of The Barmen Youth Group comes in and he sees Asle sitting there behind the table and Asle stands up and goes over to The Man in Charge
