“Baby, you didn’t know me back then. I was a jackass, seriously. I thought the world owed me something when in fact it didn’t. I walked into that prison thinking I was fucking God’s gift, that I was the best thing since sliced bread. I was a cocky sonofabitch.” She tilts her head to the side, she doesn’t believe me, I smile at her. “Seriously baby, you would have hated me on sight I was that much of an ass.”
“Really?” She questions me, and I nod, yep, she would have instantly hated me. “What made you change? Drastically change by the sounds of it.”
“Honestly?” She rolls her eyes. Of course, she wants honesty, I just hope that she can take this. “Your dad did. You and he are similar, so much so. You both have this take on life that no matter what happens there’s brightness on the other side.”
“There’s no brightness now,” she admits, and it’s the first time that she’s been completely honest about her emotions since she’s come out of hospital.
There will be though baby. I promise you.”
She nods but she doesn’t look hopeful.
“You and your dad see the best in people. Your dad made me realize that I’m the only one who can impact my life. If I want to be the jackass I was going into that prison then I can still be that jackass and be a complete asshole, but if I wanted to change I can, and if I do, more opportunities would emerge from it. He was telling the truth, not only am I a better man, I found the woman of my dreams.” I sound like a sappy hallmark card but fuck it, she needs to hear this.
“Trent…” her voice turns raspy, my cock twitches, and fuck, it’s not the time for him to come and say hello. “I love you.” A small smile on her face as she tells me.
I tentatively reach out to her, and she comes willingly into my arms, I hold her tightly, this is the first time since she was taken by Ric, or should I say went willingly to him. When I found that out, I lost my shit, she should have fucking called, and we would have been able to save all the fucking heartache. What’s done is done, and now we have to move on and rebuild what has been broken. “I love you baby, you’re hurting right now and it’s going to take some time, but we’ll get you back to where you need to be okay? Together we’ll push away the darkness.”
Wetness soaks through my T-shirt, she’s crying. “Baby, are you ready to talk?”
“I’m scared Trent.” She cries softly into my chest.
“What are you scared about?”
“I’m scared the pain is going to be too much. That the guilt is going to hit me again, I’m the reason Ric’s dead. That family has suffered because of me.” Her voice is a little above a whisper.
“No baby, you’re not the reason he’s dead, you’re not the reason that family is suffering. If they had done what you did and ended that fucker, none of this would have happened. That family has made yours suffer, not the other way around.” My anger is coming back, they had to have known what the asshole was like, if they had just killed the fucker, Michelle wouldn’t be constantly in pain.
“Sometimes I’ll lay the blame at their feet but then I think about Dad and him being in prison because of me and then Eddie being dead again because of me. The pain and guilt. God, Trent, it’s too much for me to take, and it’s like I’m trapped, I can’t escape. It won’t end.” Fear and pain color her voice, and I have no idea how I can get her to see that she’s not to blame. “I’ve only found one way to escape it, to stop it.”
“Baby, never again. We’ll find you another way to stop the pain and guilt. Anything but that okay? I’ve lived the aftermath of someone ending their life because they felt as though they had no escape. So many times I lie awake at night wondering if there was anything I could have done to stop him, to help him.” I hear his screams every fucking night, I should have helped him, I knew that something was happening to him but instead of helping, we all turned a blind eye to it. That shit burns deep, and never again, never again will I sit back when someone’s clearly in need of someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to help.
She pulls out of my arms, her eyes wide with horror. “Trent, what happened?”
“While I was in prison, a young man. God, he couldn’t have been more than nineteen, he was having trouble with his cellmate. I was lucky, I landed on my feet with Dustin as mine, but this guy wasn’t that lucky. His cries at night, God, there wasn’t a person inside that didn’t listen to those wails every night, and yet no one did a thing to help. One night, this horrific scream filled the air, one that invades my mind every time I close my eyes. He hung himself.” It’s something I’m ashamed of, I should have helped him, I should have fucking stopped what was happening to him.
“Oh, my God, that poor man. Why didn’t the guards stop it?” She cries, her head resting against my arm.
“They didn’t care, I have my suspicions that most are paid off so they ignore what’s really going on. The prisons are run by the inmates not the guards,” I explain, hoping that she understands the dynamics of prison. “Those who have more money on the outside pay the guards to turn their backs and ignore what’s happening. It’s vicious. I watched men get shanked for owing a fucking dollar.” I shake my head in disgust, remembering how a guy named Dwayne had lay bleeding outside my cell all because of a dollar.
“That’s awful, God, Trent, how’s Dad coping?” Shit, maybe talking about what happens inside isn’t helping her.
“Your dad’s one of a kind. He’s keeping himself to himself but he’ll also stick up for himself or others if needed. Just as he did for me. Your dad put himself on the line to help me, and I’ll always be grateful to him, I’m forever in his debt. Michelle your dad is doing good, I promise you.”
“Thank you. That helps, is he really sober?” She seems genuinely interested, and if this means that one day she’ll forgive him, I’ll die a happy man. “Do you think he misses us?”
“Yes, he truly is sober, he’s not touched a drop of alcohol since he was incarcerated. The temptation is there, I’m not going to lie, it’s easily got on the inside, but your dad hasn’t once touched it.” I’m quite proud of the old man. He’s doing good until Michelle told me that he was an alcoholic I wouldn’t have thought he was, he doesn’t seem fazed by it. “As for missing you, there’s no doubt about it. When I was leaving, he said your name, and the way he said it, was like you meant something to him.”
“Really?” She’s in disbelief; she doesn’t think anyone cares for her. She lived through a stage of her life where no one gave a shit when she really needed them to.
“Really baby, he does care about you,” I tell her softly as I kiss her hair. “I’m sorry I was an ass baby. I let you push me away, I feel helpless. I have no idea how to help you.”
“You are helping me. Just being here helps me.” She moves closer to me and throws her arm over my stomach. “Grandma, she was the only one who was here for me when I needed someone but she had no idea how to help either. That’s all she would say, ‘Shelly, I don’t know how to help you. I need to help you.’ She never realized that talking to me helped, that just being here helped. Now I have you, and I pushed you away because I’m scared that this time I may not be able to cope.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this? Why didn’t you say this? I want to be here with you Michelle. I want us to spend our lives together. That means being the person you lean on when times get tough.” I take hold of her hand that’s on my stomach and begin to stroke it while I wait for her to talk.
She sobs softly, and I let her, she needs to let everything out. “I’ve never had someone I can lean on before. You see the future Trent, and I try my hardest just to get through the day. I take it one day at a time, one step at a time. When you see the future do you see children? Because I don’t. This thing I have, I don’t want to inflict it on anyone else.”
“Is it hereditary?” I have no idea about what she’s going through, what she goes through on a daily basis.
She shrugs. “The hardest thing is getting up in the morning. Some days I want
to lie in bed and not see anyone, some days I struggle to smile and some days, I wake up and I’m okay. There are days that are good, but the others? They’re a struggle, a real struggle, and I make myself get up and go for a run because running clears my head. It helps me think straight, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like going back to bed and hiding from the world afterwards, it just means I have to be stronger than those urges.”
Fuck, the shit she deals with is fucking insane, how the hell does she manage to go about her day as normal? How can she make the world believe that she’s okay? That she’s perfectly happy?
“Baby, you’re phenomenal, you go through so much every day yet you do your best to show the world that you’re happy and nothing fazes you.”
“Everything fazes me, but I’m scared that if people see the real me, they’ll think I’m crazy.” Her voice is soft, and I can hear the tiredness in it; she said she hasn’t been sleeping. “I don’t want anyone to believe I’m crazy.” She yawns, and I focus on her as her eyes begin to close, and it seems as though she’s fighting to keep them open.
“Baby, you’re not crazy, and you really need to open up, tell me when things get tough.”
“Mmkay,” she replies, she’s drifting off to sleep in my arms.
“Night baby, I love you.” I kiss her head as her breathing deepens. She’s fast asleep.
She keeps herself locked up tight, and I thought I knew her inside and out, and it turns out, I’ve only scratched the surface. I’m going to enjoy getting to learn about my girl, finding out what makes her tick. I close my eyes and listen to her heart beating, the steady rhythm of it, sets my own and it’s not long before my eyes droop.
Waking up beside Trent makes me feel somewhat normal; it’s like I can breathe a little bit easier. That was until he got up and walked out of my bedroom without a word, as soon as my apartment door closed, my head began to spin. All I kept thinking was, he’s changed his mind, I’m too much work for him, I’m too broken for him. Today the fight to get up isn’t as tough as it has been but it’s still there. I don’t want to face the world, not just yet but I have to. Yet here I am, lying in bed, curled up like a scared child not wanting to see what today brings, I want to lie here and hide.
“Baby, we’re going for a run,” Trent’s gravelly voice calls out.
My head lifts off the pillow, and I stare at him in confusion. He wants to go for a run? My eyes narrow as I take in his appearance, he’s wearing his shorts, T-shirt, and sneakers. A run? With the way my ribs are? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to run but getting out and getting some fresh air sounds amazing, and if I can’t run, I can sure as hell walk. “Why didn’t you tell me that we’re going for a run before you snuck out?” I try and put some anger in my tone as I try to keep a straight face. I’m not mad. In fact, I think he’s sweet; he listened to me last night when I said that running helps clear my head.
The smirk he gives tells me that he knows I’m not mad. “Baby, you’ve hardly slept since that asshole had you, and I wasn’t going to wake you up when you were finally sleeping. Besides, as soon as I got up off the bed you woke up. So you could have got dressed,” he fires back, that smirk still firmly in place.
“I didn’t realize you wanted to go for a run, if I had, I would have been ready. Now you’re going to have to wait until I’m ready,” I quip as I throw the covers off me, God, I love this man, he instantly changes my moods.
“Baby, you say that as though it’s a bad thing.”
I stick my tongue out at him as I climb out of bed. Him being around me makes it a little easier to face the day ahead. Having fun and smiling with him comes easy to me. Whereas before him I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d done either.
As I begin to pull on my leggings, I glance at Trent who’s sitting patiently at the end of the bed. Gone is his smirk. Instead he’s seems focused on something. I follow his line of sight and see that he’s staring at my pill bottle, the pills I haven’t been taking. By not taking them I’m making things harder for myself, but when I take them it’s like I’m not me, well not the true me. It’s like they’re keeping me in a trancelike state, my emotions aren’t real, I don’t get the full force of them when I’m on the pills.
I ignore him staring at the pills and carry on getting dressed, right now, that’s not something I want to even think about. I want to focus on getting better, getting back to where I was before Riccardo sent me spiraling. I take off my tank top that I wear as pajamas. Trent’s sharp hiss sends shivers down my spine. Turning around to face him, his eyes are wide. They’re full of lust, and he can’t take his eyes of my breasts. I want him so bad, but now isn’t the time. I can’t give myself to him until I’m ready. I quickly pull on my sports bra to cover up.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I take a seat beside him and start putting on my sneakers. Turning around has only made him worse, he wants me so much, I felt it last night, he’s being patient with me, he’s not had sex in over five years.
“Don’t be,” is his husky reply, that smirk I love so much finds itself firmly back on his face. “I’m glad you’re comfortable around me.”
I smile at him. “That’s never been a problem, Trent. Since the moment I met you, I knew that you were different.”
He leans forward and kisses the side of my mouth gently. “Baby, every day you amaze me even more than the last. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I lean into him as he places another kiss on my lips. “When I’m with you, it’s like my world’s brighter. I feel lighter. I can see happiness on the horizon.”
He smiles. “Baby, all I want is for you to be happy, and I fucking hope that it’s with me. You deserve happiness, you deserve love. Fuck, you deserve to be worshipped,” he tells me fiercely. He always says the right things to make me better, not only in general but better in myself. I’m not trapped in my thoughts. I’m not stuck in the darkness. There’s a light shining through, guiding my way. “Baby, I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you exactly how you should see yourself. Beautiful, beyond words, both inside and out. Kind, generous, loving, caring. Everything about you is the epitome of amazing.”
Tears spring to my eyes. “Trent…” I can’t find the words to say to him, I don’t have the words to describe what hearing him say those things about me means. Having him see me that way, it’s something I can’t describe. I never have and doubt I ever will see myself as anything other than broken.
“Baby,” he says with a crooked smile, there’s nothing else to say. He gets me. “How about that run?” He asks as he gets to his feet.
“Yeah.” I smile as he reaches out his hand to help me up. “A run sounds perfect right now.” I lead us out of the bedroom and toward the front door. “How did it go yesterday?” I never did ask him how it went with Tina and his dad, and he hasn’t said much about it other than he’s got a lot of anger and resentment toward them.
He doesn’t say anything as we leave the apartment and make our way outside. The cool breeze from the sea hits me as soon as I open the main complex door. The smell of the salt water is intoxicating, it’s one of my favorite smells in the world. As my feet hit the sand, I begin to stretch. It’s been a few days since I’ve gone for a run, and the way my ribs are, it could be another few before I can actually run as I normally do.
“I’m not sure, it’s really weird being around them. I get angry when I see them. It sounds fucking stupid. I can’t help it. I’ve tried being normal, well acting normal but the only person I want to see is Mark.” His voice is barely audible over the crashing waves, but even with his low tone, I can hear the disappointment in it.
“Trent, what they did was wrong and you paid a price for it. You spent five years behind bars, and what did they get? They got to live their lives as though nothing happened, so yes you have every right to be.”
“Really?” He questions, surprised.
“What?” I’m wondering, what the hell he’s surprised about.
“I t
hought you’d be annoyed. You wanted me to forgive and forget. That’s what you said.” He accuses me, his anger coming to the forefront. “I wouldn’t have gone back if you hadn’t have wanted me to.”
I stand there in shock, he’s blaming me? “Trent, I thought it would help, I’m sorry,” it was never my intention to hurt him, I’m shocked, I never wanted to upset him. “You tried, and it didn’t help.” I’m on the verge of tears, after what started out as a great morning, it ends up with us having an argument. “I never wanted to push you to them. I thought I was helping.”
A heavy sigh leaves him as he scrubs his hands down his face. “I’m sorry baby. I’m mad but not at you, fuck. I’m mad at myself, I shouldn’t be holding onto this resentment. There’s nothing that can be done about it. Sure as shit, nothing’s going to change what’s happened. I should be able to move on.”
“Why should you? Because I said you should? Because your dad or Tina say you should? No, we’ve not lived through what you have, we’ve not witnessed what you did. We don’t get to make you decide when you should forgive those who did you wrong. Whenever, if ever, you want to forgive them and let them into your life, I’ll be here supporting you, just as you support me.” I give him a small smile, hoping that he understands that I’m not judging him, hell I don’t forgive my mom, and I never will. Not after everything she said.
“Fuck,” he whispers, his eyes alight with something I can’t quite put my finger on. “Baby, you make me want to throw you over my shoulder and fuck you seven ways until Sunday but I won’t.” He smirks as heat rises up my face. “Love you baby, don’t ever doubt that,” he tells me forcefully as he takes a step toward me, his hands reaching out and taking my face. “Don’t ever doubt that I want you, that I love you. Baby, you’re my fucking world, my sun rises and sets with you. Whenever things get too tough, you come to me. You talk to me. You let me help you through it.”
Finding Home Page 22
