by ES Richards
It had been like this for the best part of an hour. Dante was entirely beside himself, circling through stages of grief and anger as he cried and threw things, cried some more, begged for an explanation and then brought down the mountain of blame on Austin. He vented through all his emotions, went quiet for a couple of minutes and then it began all over again. For Samuel, it was all too real.
Looking at his father, Samuel could tell that he felt it too. It hadn’t even been weeks since Addison was murdered, her death still fresh on both of their minds. With another mother dead only in the next room, Samuel found it difficult not to picture his own mother’s grave in his mind. The grave they had left behind no more than twenty-four hours earlier in the hope of finding a better life, a life with some sort of future. They may have been successful in their journey into the city, but that was where the positive story ended. Coming into New York had only brought them both more pain, though neither of them suffered quite to the same level as Dante and his family.
Bowie was still unaware of his grandmother’s passing. But, even at his age, it was impossible to hide that something was wrong. The kid had hardly been back in the apartment for thirty seconds before the next disaster began, Bowie sidelined to his room while Austin tried to help his husband save Meghan’s life. Now Bowie played with his toys, unaware that he would never speak to his grandmother again.
Every now and then, the young boy looked up at Miles, or across the room to Samuel and Charles and asked a question, asked where his parents were and what was going on. Samuel doubted whether he could lie to him again, the words everything’s fine sounding hollower and more meaningless each time they were uttered. On some level, he suspected, Bowie knew what had happened, it just wasn’t Samuel’s place to break the news to the poor boy.
***
In the bedroom, Austin held his husband through one of his sobbing stages, Meghan’s body only inches from where the two of them sat.
“It’ll be okay,” he whispered into Dante’s ear, saying whatever words he could to comfort his love.
“She’s dead, Austin,” Dante replied without looking up, sniffing and wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “Nothing is ever going to be okay again.”
“No, I know,” Austin faltered, preparing for an onslaught of aggressiveness again. “I didn’t mean that – I just,”
“You just what? You just thought you’d bring our family back to the city from a place of safety and not give a rat’s ass about what happened to them?”
His words stung as he delivered them, Austin feeling the blow like a fist to his stomach. He knew Dante was only lashing out because of the pain he was in, but even still it hurt, and he told his husband so. “You shouldn’t say that.”
“Why not?” Dante picked his head up and glared at Austin, challenging him with his gaze as his nostrils flared. “What more have I got to lose?”
“Dante come on,” Austin held his husband by the shoulders. “Get a grip on yourself. Meghan is dead and I’m sorry about that, really, I’m so, so sorry.” He meant every word, pleading with himself that Dante would understand and finally, truly listen to what he was saying. “If there was anything I could do to bring her back then don’t you think I would do it? But there isn’t. She’s gone and you need to accept that.”
“Thanks for the reality check,” Dante huffed. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“What I’m telling you, Dante,” Austin replied, doing his best to keep his voice level and not get too exasperated by his husband. “Is that your life doesn’t end with your mother’s. You have got so much left to fight for. You’ve got me and we’ve got Bowie out there. I wish Meghan was still with us, I really do, but please don’t lose sight of what you still have. Please don’t lose sight of us.”
Dante looked at Austin and choked, a sob bubbling up in his throat and making him cough as he tried to swallow it down. Austin was right, he needed to pull himself together for Bowie, but every time his eyes drifted over to where Meghan lay on the bed, he became blinded by the sight of her.
He blamed Austin for bringing them back to New York City. Inside he knew he had from the very second Meghan started to get sick. Poughkeepsie might not have been the best place for them, but at least inside those walls they knew what was happening. At least they had all been alive; they’d never gone hungry or wanted for anything they couldn’t have. Other than Austin.
As the two sides of his head argued with one another, Dante squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think about all the horrors which he’d lived through recently. He tried to imagine his mother playing happily with Bowie, but every time he saw her face a dark cloud hung above it, not allowing him to block out what had happened. And why should he block it out? He needed to mourn for her. No amount of Austin rubbing his shoulders or whispering soothing words in his ear would make this go away. There was no point trying to hide it, his mother was dead, and he needed to see that.
“Just leave me alone, Austin.”
“Dante, please…”
“Just go!”
Austin winced as Dante shouted at him, it wasn’t the first time it had happened in the last hour, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. Each time Dante told him to leave though, Austin became more determined to stay by his side. He had always been a firm believer that those who needed you the most tried the hardest to push you away. Well Dante was really trying now, but Austin wasn’t going to let him.
“Why don’t we go and sit down next door for a bit, maybe it would –”
“It won’t help!” Dante shouted out before Austin could even finish his suggestion. “Nothing is going to help, Austin! How can you not get this? My mom is dead. She’s never coming back and there’s nothing you or anyone can do to change that!”
His outburst ended in more tears, Dante sagging forward against the bed where Meghan lay and resting his forehead against the sheets. Austin watched him with a heavy heart, wishing there was something he could do to take the pain away from his husband. He had never really dealt with death like this before. It was so up close and personal, so unavoidable and all-consuming. No matter where he looked Meghan was there, even with his eyes closed the presence of her silent body still screamed out its location. For something so still, it certainly made a lot of noise.
***
Outside the bedroom, the noise was impossible to avoid too. Samuel held Bowie’s hands, trying to convince the young boy to keep playing, but the cries he’d just listened to couldn’t be ignored this time.
“No,” Bowie shook his head. “I want to see my Daddy.”
Samuel didn’t know exactly who Bowie was referring to. He recalled a memory that seemed to come from a long time ago, when in actual fact it couldn’t be more than a few weeks. Austin had explained to Samuel who Bowie called Daddy and who was simply just Dad as they’d set up in the summer camp just outside of Poughkeepsie. He remembered Austin filling with excitement as they got closer to his son and the rest of his family, telling Samuel stories about what their usual family dynamic was like. He could remember everything except the specifics, the detail of who was Daddy and who was Dad.
For Bowie though, the meaning was obvious. Catching Samuel by surprise, Bowie broke away from him and ran toward the bedroom door, making a beeline for the room where Meghan lay.
“No!” Samuel cried out, determined to not let Bowie see his grandmother like that. It wasn’t something a child should ever witness. When he was about eleven, Samuel had attended his own grandmother’s funeral and he remembered looking down on her in an open casket and seeing her pale skin stretched taut across her cheekbones. Even with the make-up to cover up the blemishes and her finest clothes to make her appear like she was only sleeping; the sense of death was still there. No matter how you tried to hide it, there was no keeping death a secret. Samuel had never forgotten the sight of his grandmother – and that was after everything possible had been done to appease the mourning crowd – Meghan was in no such state and he could
n’t let Bowie see the woman like that.
Thankfully, Miles stepped in at the last moment and blocked Bowie’s path. Bending down, he steered Bowie into his own bedroom and away from the closed door, shooting a glance at Samuel. He had to do something. Miles was only a teenager – he shouldn’t be exposed to this either. Standing up straight, Samuel braced himself and walked towards the bedroom door, aware that something needed to be done. Gritting his teeth, he rapped firmly on the wood for a second and then stepped inside, closing himself inside before anyone could respond.
“Samuel!” Austin looked shocked as his friend appeared, the fact that he and his father were also sitting outside in the living room momentarily forgotten. “What are – is Bowie okay?” His son’s wellbeing trumped anything else Austin might’ve asked, the once strong family bond he was a part of seemingly growing weaker every day since Trident had blinked off the face of the planet.
“He knows something is wrong,” Samuel spoke, trying to look only at Austin and not the body that lay behind him. “I think you should speak to him. He’s confused and scared.”
“Oh man,” Austin looked away from Samuel to his husband. Dante was still slumped over the edge of the bed, facing away from them both. Looking back at his friend, Austin pulled a face and mouthed the words I can’t leave him.
“I can stay in here if you want,” Samuel proposed, forcing the words out of his mouth with difficultly. Every time he looked in Meghan’s direction – or even thought of the woman lying on the bed – his own mother popped into his head again. He imagined his father burying her in the garden, shoveling dark soil over her beautiful face and laying her body to rest. It was too soon. It was all too soon.
“Are you sure?” Austin asked, looking even less convinced about leaving Samuel in the bedroom with his distraught husband and deceased mother-in-law. “You don’t –”
“Oh, just go!” Dante called out, spinning around and glaring at Austin and Samuel. “Both of you. I want to be alone with my mother anyway.”
“Dante…”
“Seriously, Austin,” the man glowered. “I mean it. Go away.”
The coldness with which Dante spoke actually caused a shiver to run down Austin’s spine. Everything inside him told him to stay behind and fight back against his husband’s wishes, but after being trapped in the room with Meghan’s body for so long, he also knew he needed to get out. Plus, there was Bowie to think of. Their little boy didn’t even know what was going on yet and after everything he had put his son through, Austin knew he owed Bowie more than what he was getting right now. So silently, Austin stood and walked to the bedroom door, giving Dante his wish and leaving him alone with his mother’s body.
“Are you okay?” Samuel asked as the door closed behind the two of them, both breathing a breath of fresh air as they stepped out into the hallway.
“No,” Austin replied. “But I will be. I don’t have any other choice.”
Chapter 3
“Tell me again what these guys said to you?” Samuel asked as they sat around the kitchen island later that night. “What is this place?”
“Well, they didn’t say exactly,” Austin replied, pausing to take a long sip of his coffee. “They just said it was a safe place where we would be able to get medicine for Meghan and where we would all be protected from what’s happening in the city.”
“But that if you decided to go there, you wouldn’t be able to return home?”
“Yeah,” Austin nodded. “It was weird. They didn’t seem dangerous or threatening at first, but then when they said that it just sounded a bit off, you know? To be honest I wasn’t really in the best headspace, I could have misunderstood them or even misheard.”
“I think it sounds like a good option,” Miles chimed in from across the table, sitting up straight. Miles had explained earlier that day that he wanted to stick with Austin and his family – he had no idea where his own family was and for all the drama that he’d encountered since meeting Austin, he knew it was better to have people around him than to be alone on the streets. He seemed determined to be a valued member of the group and prove his worth to Austin. “It sounds like they’ll have a place for us to live and food and shelter and stuff. I think we should go.”
“But then never be allowed to return? There is something dodgy about that.” Samuel voiced his concerns and ran a hand through his growing beard, he’d neglected to trim the hairs on his neck for some time now and they were becoming increasingly itchy as they grew longer. What he wouldn’t do for a hot shower and a decent wash. “How would they even police it?”
“I doubt they really can,” Austin answered with a shake of his head before halting the conversation and looking up at Dante who had just entered the room. “Hey,” he greeted his husband, walking over toward him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Dante replied quietly, “feeling a bit better now thanks. What’re you all talking about?”
“That place I mentioned earlier,” Austin explained. “Come on, sit down – I’ll get you a coffee. Is Bowie still asleep?”
Dante nodded, taking the seat his husband offered him and joining Samuel, Miles and Charles around the table. The atmosphere in the apartment had been unpredictable and tense for the last few hours because of the way Dante had reacted to his mother’s death. He would need to hold himself together a bit better going forward. After curling up in Bowie’s bed with him and snoozing for a couple of hours, Dante seemed more like himself again. He was still devastated about losing his mom, but hopefully he realized it wasn’t the end of the world and that their lives could still continue. That would be harder, but they would continue, nonetheless.
“Would you be up for going there?” Austin asked Dante as he sat back down again himself, shuffling his chair in next to his husband and putting a hand on his leg under the table in a comforting manner. “It sounds like it has potential.”
“I don’t know,” Dante replied, his eyes drifting to the closed bedroom door that his mother laid behind. “I don’t really want to just leave her here.”
“I know,” Austin spoke softly. “But either we need to leave, or we need to move her, babe. We can’t all stay like this.”
Austin’s gaze dropped to the table as he spoke, looking guilty for saying it out loud. They obviously couldn’t stay in the apartment with Meghan’s dead body for very long, soon it would start to smell and that would not only be unbearable to live with, but potentially lead to people nearby asking questions. Austin also didn’t really want to sleep in that bed ever again – he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to find any comfort in the room after what had happened in there and if he couldn’t, he doubted if Dante would be able to either.
“We could say our goodbyes to her here,” Austin continued, swallowing thickly as he proposed the makeshift service. “It’d be nicer than anywhere else we could move her.” They couldn’t very well carry Meghan’s body out into the street and leave it by the side of the road or in a dumpster somewhere. Without a shadow of a doubt, it was a better option to leave her body tucked up in bed, positioned as if she were only sleeping and then walk away. It was really the last act of kindness any of them could give to Meghan, granting her at least a part of the farewell that she deserved.
Similar thoughts probably swam through Dante’s head and Samuel guessed it was the fate of his mother that eventually led him to make a decision about his family’s future. Dante wasn’t entirely sold on this strange sanctuary that Austin had been told about, but if going there meant they could leave his mother’s body to rest in peace, then Samuel knew it was the option he wanted.
“I don’t want her to go anywhere else.”
“Then she won’t,” Austin nodded. His husband’s voice was small and broken, probably not the sound Austin was so used to hearing. He clearly wanted to do whatever possible to help Dante get through this and if that meant moving their family to an unknown underground facility, then that was what they were going to do. “We’ll sort this out, babe.”
No less than an hour later, their small group was gathered around the bed where Meghan lay, each saying their goodbyes. Samuel, Charles and Miles stood at the back of the room toward the door, none of them had known the woman for any great length of time, but they all felt obliged to be there and pay their respects, sorry for the life that had been lost.
Meghan’s body and face were covered by the silk bedsheets, wrapped around her lovingly by her only son. Dante did his best to stop tears from falling as he stood next to his mother’s body, holding both Bowie and Austin’s hands and they said their goodbyes. The words uttered by both Dante and then Austin were short but meaningful, they served their purpose and when the three of them turned away from the bed and exited the room, it felt like the proper passage onto the other side had been executed well.
There wasn’t any waiting around after that. No one wanted to stay in the apartment which had been partly turned into a graveyard. Instead, they quickly picked up the few possessions they were bringing with them and headed outside onto the street.
Samuel was getting increasingly worried about his father. He’d brought Charles into the city in the hope of saving him any further stress and allowing him the chance to rest, refuel and regain both the physical and mental energy he had lost since the collapse. Unfortunately, though, due to the unforeseen circumstances at Austin’s apartment, quite the opposite of that had happened. Charles was tired, his old body close to running on empty and Samuel could see it. He didn’t want to drag his father out into the street in the dark night, but once again, he didn’t really have a choice.
“You sure you’re okay with that bag? Do you want me to carry it?”
Charles shot his son a look and shook his head. “I’m fine, don’t you have bigger things to worry about?” His father never wanted any attention on him, whether he was struggling or not, he felt it was his problem to deal with. Austin’s family had already been through enough.
