by Randoman
“Robot humor.” I explained.
“Ha…ha…” Hortur managed as he took deep breaths.
‘See? He thought it was funny.’ Aya spoke smugly.
‘Thats just the mania settling in.’
Sand buffeted my face as we walked through the streets. The breeze proved very comforting in the blazing heat of fifty degrees Celsius. I had no idea what a Celsius was, but it must have been fucking hot. At least it was a dry heat and not the muggy crap you get when humidity gets involved.
Hortur led the way through the sandy streets as multitudes of Lamlian people slithered around us. The young and old all had tanned skin and a multitude of colors for scaled lower bodies. Most chose to wear nothing at all for upper-body clothing, even the women. Especially the women. Predatory eyes locked upon me as more than a few caught my wandering eyes.
‘Its impolite to stare.’ Aya chastised.
‘I’m not staring, I’m appreciating art.’ I replied as one of the snake-women winked my way.
“Don’t fall for their charms Captain, it isn’t uncommon for a Lamlian woman to crush human bones during coitus.” Hortur warned.
“Pain is just weakness leaving the body Hortur. Can’t we spare like an hour or so?” I asked as the same Lamlian beckoned towards me.
“I’m sorry Captain, but we should not delay. It didn’t seem like my wife was in any danger, but I’d rather not risk a delay.”
“Yeah yeah.” I sighed and shook my head at the Lamlian woman sadly.
Once-dense crowds of snake-people dispersed entirely as we approached our destination. Something didn’t seem right about that.
“Be on your guard.” I whispered to Hortur who nodded. We soon set our eyes upon Hortur’s mansion. And I do mean mansion. He owned a three story home with a pool on the roof and a garden on the second story balcony. Outside the doorway stood a very familiar face who I hadn’t seen since the first day I was summoned.
Prince Lavizo.
“We meet again, false Hero.” He spoke in that self-assured manner.
“Sup shorty?” I asked, causing him to grind his teeth together.
“Where is my sister?” He asked. “What have you done with her, you cur?”
“Currently she’s up on the space station shopping.” I answered.
“Shopping? You make my sister shop for you?!” He growled. “You have no honor.”
“Actually, she likes doing it.” I shrugged. “Shes good at finding deals too.”
“Of course! The Salyzans are descendants from an ancient merchant house, I’ll have you know! Trading is in our blood!”
“Cool beans man. Listen, just get out of our way so we can get Hortur’s wife and get out of here. The heat’s starting to get to me.”
“No! I’ll see your blood spilled upon these sands Hero.” Lavizo grinned, “Men! Get them!”
Silence greeted him.
“Men?” Hortur and I looked around for any sign of people.
“Captain, look.” Hortur pointed towards the roof of a building. A human in body armor was currently laying against the rim of the roof. Sleeping.
“For all the…Ugh!” Lavizo drew the gun at his hip. “I don’t need them to kill you!” He shouted. Before I could blink, the door behind him opened and a tail of white scales whipped out of the doorway and wrapped around Lavizo’s wrist. With a quick yank, the gun went flying out of his hand.
“Did I just hear you threaten my husband and his friend?” A cold, hostile voice spoke from inside the house that sent chills down my spine. A blond haired beauty slowly emerged from the house with predatory eyes and a malicious smile. “Well Lavizo?” she asked as she lifted him up by his arm with her tail and spun him around to face her.
“I…I’m sorry!” He cried out. “Forgive me Jiirl!” his eyes widened in horror as if he were remembering a nightmare. In an instant, the darkness left the snake-woman’s face. She then let go of the prince, sending him falling down to the sand below.
“This isn’t over!” he cried out as he ran off down the street.
“Well, that was exciting.” She smiled. “A shame he didn’t drink the wine, all of this unpleasantness could have been avoided. But where are my manners?” She looked at me and bowed. “I am Jiirl Klaas. Wife of Hortur Klaas.”
“I’m Chet. Chet Rosenfield.” I held out my hand which she gently shook.
“Thank you for watching after my husband, Chet. He can be quite a handful.” I shrugged,
“Hes a good man Mrs. Klaas, you’re lucky to have him.” I responded politely.
“Please, call me Jiirl.” She smiled. “And as for my husband…” Like a rubber band, she shot forward and embraced him giggling like a school girl. The two embraced like long lost lovers meeting for the first time in ages. I’ll admit, I was a little envious.
“So, where exactly are we going Hortur? You were quite evasive on the communicator.”
“Far away my love, far away.” Hortur answered.
“Well no need to worry. I’ve packed and am ready to go!” Her tail wagged in the sand, “Oh we haven’t been on a trip since our honeymoon! Chet, be a dear and get our bags, would you? They’re just inside the house on the sofa.”
“Of course.” I nodded and walked into the home with Aya laughing at me in my head for being a glorified pack-mule.
Forty minutes later, we had returned to the ship. The cargo bay was stocked with boxes and boxes of different stuff.
“I got everything I could think of!” Egyle proudly spoke when she caught sight of us coming up the ramp. “From meats to vegetables, wines and even a Glasgax!” she beamed as she lifted up something that was looked like the bastard child of a centipede and a sheep. “I call him Gribbles!”
Perhaps I had given her too much money.
That night we had dined on succulent meats, juicy vegetables, and drank the absolutely astonishing Surish Bush wine that Hortur, Jiirl, and Egyle had all raved about. It was a cold drink all the way down that left an aftertaste of mint. Over dinner, more in-depth introductions were made, stories exchanged, and Jiirl accepted that we were bringing her to a different world to be safe from the Kingdom. She said, ‘just so long as I can be with my husband I’ll be happy.’ What a nice wife. If only Avon could be so sweet.
After dinner, we had all gone to bed. Or at least, we would have, were it not for the loud banging coming from Hortur’s room. And when I say loud, I mean loud. As I lay in my bed, I could have sworn they were having a fist fight instead of bumping uglies. There was no way I was getting any sleep from the sounds of the battle going on across the hall.
‘He did say that female Lamlians are known to break bones…’ Aya reminded me.
‘Not fair.’ I grumbled as I collected my bed sheet and left my room. At first I headed towards the bridge, but the sound was still reaching my ears no matter how close I got to the controls. I then decided to take one out of Egyle’s playbook and head into the cargo bay. All the way in the back in her usual spot was a very tired-looking princess.
“Can’t sleep?” I laughed as I headed to the other side of the rear of the cargo bay.
“I see you couldn’t either Captain.” She laughed. “And you were across the hall. Try being right next door.”
“No thank you.” I spoke as I leaned back against the wall. The comforting sounds of the engines drowned out the noise of Hortur and Jiirl’s world championship wrestling match. “You know this isn’t so bad.” I spoke as I closed my eyes.
“See? Its comforting in a way.” Egyle spoke happily. “Well, good night Captain.”
“Night Egyle.” I yawned and felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.
Minutes passed in silence as Egyle looked over towards Chet. “Captain? You awake?” She asked, only to receive no response. Her heart pounded as she considered being bold. He wouldn’t mind, would he? Her mind raced as she stood up with her sheet. Bare feet plodded across the cold metal floor as she headed over to Chet’s side of the bay. As silently as she coul
d, she sat next to him. Her heart beat like a Hikxalean Menil Drum squad as she leaned against him. “Thank you Captain, for everything.” She whispered as her eyes grew heavy.
Chapter 17: Space Eggs and Bacon
“This is really great cooking Jiirl.” I complimented as I dug into breakfast as we all ate together. The enticing smell of space bacon and space eggs was enough to make the mouth water.
“Why thank you Captain.” Jiirl smiled as she doled out a plate to her husband. “I’ve had ample time to practice while my dear has been away.”
“Indeed!” Hortur nodded emphatically as he bit into a forkful of eggs. “Much better than the last time you cooked for me.” Oh no.
“Why thank you dear. Its good to hear my efforts aren’t in vain.” Jiirl smiled, but there was no joy behind that smile. My body shivered as a chill ran down my spine. It seemed that everyone felt the effects of Jiirl’s words, even Jiirl herself, which could only mean…
‘Aya, return the temperature to normal.’
‘Yes Captain.’ She spoke happily.
‘Thanks. Great comedic timing on that by the way.’
‘Thank you Captain.’
“So which of you won last night’s battle?” I asked as I chewed a mouthful of eggs. Hortur stammered at my question as his face turned redder than the Falrias sun.
“It was a tie.” Jiirl stated without missing a beat. “No talking with your mouth full Captain. I expect better manners out of you than that.”
“Sorry, my mouth just follows my mind most of the time.”
“Still, thats no excuse for bad table manners.” She looked up from her plate, “Though I must apologize for our…enthusiasm last night.”
“Dear!” Hortur cried out in despair.
“We had not seen one another in months you see.” She smiled dreamily, “Space travel is difficult for the Lamlian people. Or at least, it was. I’ll have to have a few with my physician for overlooking this lemon treatment.”
‘Please don’t tell her that they’re my guinea pigs.’ Aya pleaded.
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘I owe you one Captain.’
‘Aya, I’m pretty sure I’m so deep in favor-debt that I may as well just hand control over my body to you at this point.’
‘No thank you.’ She responded immediately.
‘Why? Is there something wrong with my body?’ No response, ‘Aya?’
‘I do not feel like passing your kidney stones for you.’ She mumbled. ‘You should not have drank that soda for all those years.’
‘Well if its so bad for you why do they make it taste so good?’
“So Captain,” Jiirl began as she sipped a cup of freshly brewed lemon tea, “Where exactly are we headed?”
“Back to Araxium Vos. Avon should know of a planet where you can live safely without worrying about the Kingdom intruding on your property.” I explained after swallowing a mouthful of delicious eggs.
“Sounds like you trust this woman of yours.” Jiirl smiled pleasantly.
“I trust her to try and capture, or kill me when we get there.” I shrugged, “Its hard to tell with women.”
“I see.” She nodded, “And whats to stop these rebels of yours from intruding on my property in the Kingdom’s place? They could even capture me in an attempt to get at Hortur, and therefore get at you Captain.” I had to admit, she had a point.
“You do have a point.” I rubbed my chin.
“If I may?” Hortur butted in sheepishly.
“Go ahead.” I nodded.
“What if she were to stay on the ship with us? She’d be far safer on here than on a planet I’ve never been to before.”
“Oh my sun, you just want to keep me close.” Jiirl sighed happily and rubbed her tail against Hortur’s
“No getting frisky at the Captain’s table. We have children present.” I motioned towards an embarrassed Egyle. Gotta lay down the ground rules, else the crew gets unruly.
“I’m nineteen!” She cried out.
“And the way you were gnawing on my shoulder this morning made me think of a teething baby.”
“I was dreaming!”
“About what? Starting a zombie apocalypse? I still have teeth marks!”
Egyle looked away, ashamed as she picked at her breakfast. She knew what she did, and I knew what she did. I had woken up to her leaning against me with her teeth grinding into my shoulder that was soaked in drool. Needless to say, I woke her up and chastised her properly. The Captain is taken and not to be used as a body pillow, or a chew toy by others. Unless said other is a beautiful blue space babe with a penchant for attempting to imprison him and rejecting his declarations of love.
‘Masochist.’ Came Aya’s remark.
‘Aya, let me give you a lesson about life. People always want what they can’t have.’
‘So you only like Aevalonis because she will never be yours?’
‘Of course not! I don’t believe in love at first sight Aya, but she came close. She’ll be mine, its just going to be an uphill battle.’
‘As you say, Captain.’ Aya sighed.
‘Just you wait Aya, I’ve got a surefire plan that’ll make her fall for me instantly. Women love being serenaded.’
“Regardless,” Hortur coughed, “I think it would be best if she stayed.”
“Well Jiirl, do you want to be a crew member of the Boatsy? To go where no Lamlian has gone before, see new and interesting planets, and help your Captain obtain the hand of his beloved Avon?”
“Well when you put it that way, I don’t see how I can say no.” She smiled.
—————————————————————————
Aevalonis Malwyrd Kalrastros marched through the upper deck of the first of the completed Battleships, ‘Nylumi’. In her language it meant Light of Hope. A good name for one of the first ships that would spearhead their successes in battle against the Kingdom. Ever since the Hero had left, more and more systems had risen up in revolt along the galactic rim. Balros had been hard at work doctoring footage of the Hero and her. Footage that made it seem as if he had sworn fealty to her.
Footage that was even now being spread through the Gal-Net.
She hated it. She hated the feeling that she had betrayed the Hero. Hated that she hadn’t stopped Balros’ plan when she had the chance. But most of all, she felt disgusted that it was necessary. She saw firsthand the hope that doctored video brought to her people. To have a Hero fighting alongside them made their cause just.
“As you can see, the Nylumi is ready for her maiden voyage with the Lombadis and Rathtun to be completed in a few days.” Her chief engineer, Obsal, praised with a rocky grin as they entered the bridge. Specialists worked with engineers as they manned their stations, making sure everything was at peak performance.
“Thank you Obsal. With these ships, our rebellion can begin in earnest.” Aevalonis smiled but felt little joy.
“Permission to speak freely, Lord?” Obsal asked as he regarded her with curious eyes.
“Of course Obsal, you don’t need to ask.” He gestured towards back into the hall. With a nod, Aevalonis followed the Korglan. Once they were out of sight, he sighed.
“Whats wrong Lord? I’d expect you to be in a much better mood over our recent successes.”
“Is it that obvious?” She smiled.
“Lord, my facial expressions are less obvious than yours these past few days.” He chuckled roughly.
“Its-”
“The footage?” She nodded,
“It doesn’t feel right, to take advantage of his trust like that.” A derisive laugh escaped from within her. “He was right.”
“About?”
“How his apparent joining us would cause many to follow. More planets have joined up with our rebellion in these past few days than the last few months combined!” She pulled her hair in frustration.
“Heroes have always been highly regarded in Salyzan history.” Obsal noted. “It makes se
nse that many would view him as someone who knew what was right and wrong.”
“Is it right to do the wrong thing in the pursuit of a greater right?” Aevalonis mused.
“Well, it may not be my place to say such things, but no. What you have allowed to take place is more than a betrayal of his trust. You have also betrayed the trust of those that looked up to Heroes of the past and that will now follow you, expecting the Hero to be fighting alongside them.”
“Thank you for your honesty Obsal.”
“Any time, Lord.”
————————————————————————
The bridge of Boatsy was full of activity as my crew set the stage of our grand re-emergence in Araxium Vos. I had been rehearsing my sonnet to Avon the whole trip with guidance from Jiirl and Egyle. In an hour, we would emerge from hyperspace and send a video communication straight to Avon. From there, I would let the power of song form an unbreakable bond of love between us. Sadly, we had no instruments to use, nor a stereo system, so it would just be my voice.
I hoped I could do Meatloaf justice.
‘This is hopeless.’ Aya spoke pessimistically.
‘Its got a fifty fifty shot of working Aya.’
‘You always say that when things are hopeless.’
‘You’re just jealous that I’m not singing for you.’
‘If these past few days are anything to go by, I’m glad.’
‘Ouch.’
“Everything’s ready Captain.” Jiirl reported as the white bed sheet hung in front of the captain’s chair, forming a backdrop to my stage.
“Perfect. Alright team, operation Serenade is a go in…” I looked at the time. “Forty eight minutes.”
————————————————————————
Aevalonis sat in the strategy room of the Battleship Nylumi as they patrolled near the Araxium Vos shipyards. The galaxy was aflame with blips of red that consumed entire systems throughout the Salyzan Kingdom. More and more planets joined the rebellion as the footage made its way from system to system as fast as news could travel. King Lavian’s fleet even had to divide into smaller fleets to handle the rising threats near their locations.
