* * *
I jerk awake, and for a delirious moment don't remember any of it. I am that old Amo again, the one whose biggest problems were talking to girls and watching movies and migraines that came in crippling twinges. Then reality returns, and those old miseries recede beneath a much fresher batch.
I'm in Drake's RV and it's dark. The engine drones on and the booth stirs slightly, vibrating with the thump of the ten-cylinder engine. It's quiet apart from that, and the stirring burr of the road passing by below. A few red lights wink from appliances. Someone nearby takes a breath; I roll to see and my sides throb. I lift my arm and it rustles. I can feel the stiffness of fresh gauze wrapped around my fingers, which means they've tended to me. I must be covered in bandages. I touch my wrists; at least the chains are gone.
In the aisle below, Keeshom lies on a makeshift bed of blankets. On the L-shaped chaise longue opposite lies a figure beside an A-frame of cut-black rifles. Feargal. I crane my neck. No voices come from the front, but the large shoulder of a tall, heavyset man is just visible around the seat back.
No sign of Hatya or Lydia. They must be at the back end, together in the master suite.
It's better not to think.
It's better not to remember the things I did, the things that were done to me, but they come anyway, and I hear Drake's voice and feel Arnst's fists and the constant, belittling violence. Even when they weren't hitting me, they were hurting me. They were stealing my world away bit by bit; sucking down the belief of my people, squandering the reserves of faith I'd spent a year rebuilding, all for nothing.
I blink and force logical thought to overwrite the pain; about dates and trajectories of Drake's arrival in the USA, about their journey across the country. They must have watched us for a long time, working with Witzgenstein throughout, but even as they were watching the bunkers were watching too. Even as Gap, Brezno and Istanbul were signing our treaties and delivering their research results to Anna and Lucas, they were planning for this.
A nuclear bomb, dropped on all the world's survivors at once. I wonder at how many people the bunkers had to send out in suits before they laid hands on an intercontinental nuclear missile that was salvageable after twelve years of neglect.
I shift in position in the bed. I don't have any anger to answer this betrayal now, just a sickness inside, like they opened me up and took something vital out. Nothing is mine anymore, not even my own body, and this is the new way. Every inch I need to claw back.
I sit up. It hurts. Keeshom at my feet mutters in his sleep. There's an eerie feeling of anticipation in the air, like the night before Christmas with all breaths held and everyone waiting for Santa, and I know what it is. They've been waiting for me.
I roll to my feet.
More bandages crinkle and creak; on my thighs, on my face. I'm unsteady but I pick a path round Keeshom and walk. Low blue running lights mark the route to the front, as if I might get lost. Arnst is at the wheel, and watches me silently in the rearview mirror. I hold his eyes for a moment only, then stop a foot behind him and look out the front windshield.
There is grass on the road verge, dipped into by the headlights like a spoon scooping mint ice cream. We're not in the desert anymore, through New Mexico at least and heading into the Southern farm belt. Soon it'll be old plantation land as far as the eye can see.
I slide into the passenger seat slowly, unwilling to tear any stitches Keeshom may have put into me. The leather is supple and cool through these cotton hospital-like pajamas they've dressed me in. Arnst is massive and fully dressed beside me, but I don't feel any kind of threat.
He had his pleasure in Screen 2, when they couldn't break me until Lara did it for them, and now I'm going to have mine. I need to, because I need to be cruel. I need all the cruelty I can take.
"How long?" I ask, my voice a dry croak.
"A night and day," he says, giving away his Belgian descent with his lilting, unnatural English. He looks at the dash. "Twenty-eight hours."
I look out. I work the distances. This is probably still Oklahoma.
I turn in the seat to face Arnst directly. He looks at me, then back at the road. I just stare, looking at his face and his skin, every pore. I'd dreamed of punching it bloody, back when he was beating me to a pulp. Even now my face feels bloated and there are loose teeth in my gums. I won't be a looker anymore, if I ever was.
He watches the road. He watches me. His eyes go back and forth. Eventually he stops checking and accepts me staring. He drives. Is this the first step in breaking a man, I wonder? Is this what it feels like in the beginning? I can taste it, the stirring excitement, the feeling of something important happening, something permanent. I can see how Drake could confuse this for a mission and a cause, how he could call it a religious experience and label himself Father to his holy Laws.
I can see how the cruelty began.
"Talk to me," I say.
Arnst looks at me, looks away. He doesn't know. He isn't sure. He's been brave, he stood up at the rear of the convoy, but he's also been waiting all this time for me to wake. Looking over. Seeing my fists in Drake's hollow head again, smearing gray brain matter around like it was Play-Doh. Maybe he thinks I might beat him too, but I'm not so simple as that. That's no path to the good stuff.
"What about?" he asks.
I lean back, let my head touch the cool of the passenger-side window. I watch him. I close my eyes for a long minute and let him sweat. He won't ask again. He'll wait. I stand in that waiting. I pull it up around me like a nice new pair of pants, so I don't need to think about the other things; all the horrors we've left behind, all the horrors still to come.
"Tell me about your children," I say. "Tell me about Drake. Tell me everything."
He looks, looks away. He's nervous. He doesn't want to talk. He wants to be big and strong, sitting in the driving seat. He wants to be punched and take it like a man. He wants to refuse to answer unreasonable questions, he wants to show his resilience in the face of pain, just like me.
But this is not unreasonable. This is the slow, quiet path to domination, and he can't resist, because he knows he needs me. If he wants to save his children, to keep them safe from the next nuclear bomb, he needs me. He wouldn't even know where to begin without me. This is why he's here at all. This is what he already knows.
This is why he's afraid.
"Tell me," I say, with the slightest edge in my voice, and he gives a little start, and he starts talking.
I don't let him stop until the dawn.
* * *
We break at a gas station by a diner somewhere in rural Oklahoma, and I step out into the light, leaving Arnst pale and drained at the wheel. His voice was hoarse by the end, but he kept talking, telling me about his children and his wives, about Drake's laws and his little tricks to keep control, all the places they went and the dreams they'd built.
The sun is baking hot and the dusty blacktop steams with evaporating dew. On all sides are tangled fields where thick, rusty wheat sheaves do battle with twelve years of rising sumac, straggly white cotton fluffs and drifts of disheveled yellow hay.
The gas station itself is small, not much more than a white-painted shack with a rusted blue tin roof and two old-style fuel pumps out front. Beside one of the fuel pumps there's a red Ford pickup with a broken window, and a gray body lying on the concrete apron beside it, surrounded by dusty cubes of shattered glass.
I've seen tableaux like it a thousand times.
I lean against one of the pumps and take a breath of raw Oklahoma air, luxuriating in the sun's touch on my face. I haven't been out in the light for days. In back the women set up a line to pump fuel up from the tanks below. We didn't have time to stock up before New LA blew.
"We need to talk," comes a voice.
Feargal's standing behind me with an AR15 cradled across his chest.
I look past him. Arnst is still at the wheel of the RV, staring vacantly ahead. I know how much he loves his children, now. It's
funny, you'd think a man who could torture and take pleasure in breaking others couldn't love anyone but himself, but Arnst does. He's afraid he'll never see them again, and that fear defines what he's prepared to accept.
Out of the side door comes Lydia, stumbling into the light. Little dark Hatya follows. Keeshom is already out in the grass, peeing into the fields.
This is my team.
I start away, striding toward the shuttered diner, and Feargal follows.
"Let me explain, Amo," he says, and it's plain what this is doing to him; me ignoring him. He hates it. He's choking on guilt inside, and I know why. When Drake brought him in to Screen 2 on the second day, to see me there dribbling and spitting blood in the chair, humiliated and naked, he didn't do a thing. He didn't look at me, didn't speak to me, didn't help me.
But this is not about a petty revenge. This is about what I need to be.
I reach the diner door and smash the glass with a rock, put my arm through and turn the handle. The door swings open, and Feargal's right there at my back, saying something about Drake. I already see what's going to happen as if it were painted bright yellow on the faded diner linoleum, but I can't stop it. He won't leave me alone until it's done, and I don't know what else to do.
"There wasn't any good choice," he says, following me in to the hot shadows and dust. "I thought maybe there'd be a chance down the line, maybe I could work change from the inside, I didn't know-"
I turn and punch him sharply in the face. My knuckles crunch onto his nose and his head rocks back, forcing him a step away. The butt of his rifle slips loose and clacks loudly on the wooden floor, then his hands rise and vivid blood rolls between his fingers. His eyes widen in disbelief, more shocked than in pain.
"Amo," he says, calling to some familiarity I don't feel, because I can't get past the things that I've done. I can't stand for him to look at me like I'm still some kind of hero, a great man worthy of his own myth, able to offer hope and succor to all, when I haven't got a thing left to give.
"Please," he says, and that makes it worse. I step forward and shove him hard in the chest. He topples back awkwardly, hitting the floor on his shoulder, and I almost jump atop him like I did with Drake, grab his hair in my hands and start to hammer his head into the plastic flooring, because I can't stand to see that look in his eyes anymore.
But I don't.
"It's an acquired taste," comes Drake's voice, as Feargal shuffles at my feet. He whispers in my ear just like he did in Screen 2. "Victory, she's an unruly bitch. Hard to savor."
I shake my head to clear it, because I don't want to hear Drake anymore, and this is not victory. This is not anything.
"Amo," Feargal says, his eyes shining as blood rolls down his chin. "I'm sorry."
On one level, I want him to shut up. I want to stop this farce now because his apology is no good; I don't want it and I can't take it, because it's me who should be apologizing to him, but I can't do that. It won't help with what's to come. Being soft with the bunkers, offering them treaties and trust, only led to this.
I need to learn. I can't afford to let a single crack through or I'll lose it all. There's just too much ahead to buckle now.
I stab a finger at him. Somebody cleaned the remains of Drake off my hands, but I feel him still, his thoughts making me cruel. "I told you not to come," I say, flat as a hammer's head. "I told you."
I step over him and head out of the diner. I put him out of my mind. It doesn't mean a thing.
3. THE LASH
I tell Arnst to drive.
He's sitting in the side booth when I return, clearly out of it, but there's no room for mercy now. His eyes are watery and his skin pale, sweating and weaving, and that's good.
Keeshom's eyes harden. He's put himself in the driving seat, and I'm telling him to get up. Now perhaps he'll give me something to strike too, and I see the words forming on his lips, but he doesn't say them. He swallows them, which is good, and he moves. Arnst picks himself up; a man mountain, just like Drake. A sociopath born or trained, just like Drake, while he is my training. I feel Drake's voice in my ear, pulling my strings. This is what it feels like to break a man, he says. Push buttons. Pull levers. Make his spirit rip.
Arnst stumbles over, bumping off a cabinet in the kitchen. Feargal boards the RV, T-shirt pressed to his broken nose, and watches Arnst settle into the driving seat with a kind of numb fascination. The ladies go to their room in back, too miserable to protest. Arnst rubs his eyes with the knuckles of his left hand and fumbles on the ignition with his right.
"He can't drive," Feargal says at last. His voice is thick and nasal thanks to his nose. Keeshom frowns when he sees that. Fear. "We'll crash."
"So we crash," I say.
The engine starts with a rheumatic, frenzied coughing, like an old cancerous man hacking up his rotten lungs. This is the thick, sludgy fuel we've salvaged from beneath the gas station, all the volatile vapors boiled off. Any second, it seems to be saying, any second I might blow, though after a minute or two it settles down to a throaty chug. I lean back against the side window and close my eyes. Here at least I can relax, and put out of my mind the horror on Vie and Talia's faces.
"Tell me about your children, Arnst," I say. The sun on my cheeks is a delicious, burning balm. "Tell me their names. Tell me what they like to do."
We pull out, and Arnst's voice starts up again. "I have eight children," he says, sounding exhausted, sounding defeated. "The eldest is…"
I tune out the specifics, just enjoy the drone.
We drive.
* * *
Nine hours on and coming up on dusk, Arnst is speaking in a whisper. I know everything about him now. I know he loves his daughter Grimelda most, though he does his best to share his affections evenly. I know his favorite wife is Serbian Irinda, because of the sweet dimples in her cheeks when she smiles. I know all the efforts and extents he used to make to earn just one of those smiles.
I should stop him now, but I can't, because it's still not enough. I don't know when it will be. I have to go on until he fails, have to ride the horse into the ground, lash it on the dust, make it pay.
Dusk is falling and he sags over the wheel. The RV slows and I let it. He battles with his eyelids, blinking long and slow, straining toward the road. I watch and suck my pleasures out of it.
"That's right," Drake whispers in my ear. He runs a finger up and down my skull, tracing words I can almost catch. "Victory."
When Arnst finally passes out, it's a simple matter to reach over and take the wheel. I kick his foot off the gas, and the RV comes to a slow halt. I sit there for a long time looking at his big dumb face. This same face pressed close to my ear while choking me in Screen 2, whispering all the ways he was going to break my world, the things he was going to do to my wife, my children, to me.
They beat my body. They burned my comics. They stole my people. They devastated my dream long before the bunkers dropped their bomb, and now he gets his respite, but where's mine? He's lost nothing; he never had a home, never had a dream, while I have lost everything. I'll never sleep well again, for seeing his face, and what have I done so far but make him drive?
It's not enough and I don't know how it ever will be.
"He needs more," Drake whispers in my ear, caressing my head. So strange, I cracked his skull open and he strokes mine, but it feels good, like a twinge, like the only thing I need to do right now is recover. Those old days were always so clear, back when getting better from the coma was my only goal. Every day I bent all my efforts to it, pushing forward until I couldn't go another inch, until the twinges took hold and crushed me under their stifling weight. It was awful, but at least it was simple.
Arnst falls asleep at the wheel after breaking my world, and there's no more punishment for him. He tortures and he enslaves, he's a party to murder and rape, and what does he pay? The first flickers of a new rage bubble to the surface.
"Yes," coos Drake, "you're right, it isn't fair," but I don'
t need him now because I'm seeing it for myself.
I take Arnst by the scruff of his shirt and pull him off the seat. His huge body thumps onto the floor and shakes the RV. He only groans. I see Feargal and Keeshom watching me with alarm, Lydia and Hatya peering fearfully round the door of their bedroom, and bark an order.
"Get his legs." Feargal shudders, then moves. He's whipped now, an obedient dog. Keeshom takes longer, but he follows.
I take Arnst by the arms, and together we manhandle his massive bulk out of the RV. I don't do it gently, letting him crack off the frame, bumping his back off the stairs, until we get him out on the dusty road. I stand at his head and look back into the dying embers of the setting sun.
The RV is a streaky silver box on a dark river of road, this barren stretch of I-44 an hour or so east of St. Louis. Four lanes of asphalt flanked by dark green oak and pine forest, surfaced with dark clay dust, and me.
They're standing there now, wondering what to do. Arnst lies unconscious and they're all wondering.
Things harden inside.
I've always been soft, and I know it. Maine nearly broke me. I could never have done the things that Drake did, and that's why I'll always lose. It's not enough that we got lucky, that Lara's vision somehow bailed us out. I need to change what I am.
A partial quote haunts back to me, heard I don't know where or when, but fitting for this moment. 'Every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be repaid by another drawn with the sword.' It sounds Biblical, or maybe something Lincoln said about slavery.
Either way it's perfect, though I don't have a sword. Maybe if Don was here. I almost laugh.
"That's it," Drake whispers, "yes," and I do start to feel it. If I strain hard, if I listen with all my being, I begin to understand. With my enemy at my feet, my people before me cowering and afraid, I do start to feel it.
The Last Mayor Box Set Page 144
