“Do you know how much I love you?” he asked as he pulled me a little closer. I opened my mouth to answer, but he cut me off with his lips as they pressed against mine, deliberately slow at first, leaving me impatient as he teased along my jaw then back up to my lips. I whimpered and that was all it took for him to give in and attack my lips with the same need I had been feeling. I felt his hands slide down my sides until they hooked behind my knees as he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his back as we fumbled our way into the tent, never breaking our kiss.
Our bed wasn’t made yet, but there was a pile of blankets and pillows that we sank into. I didn’t release my legs from his back and having him pressed so closely against me had my head swimming as he kissed my face and jaw. He pulled back to catch his breath and he studied my face as our hearts raced. So many times we had gotten to the point of no return, only to pull ourselves away at the last second, but tonight was different. I took in a shaky breath as my nervous hands pulled my tank top over my head. Hunter sucked in a sharp breath as he searched my eyes.
“You’e so beautiful,” he whispered as he reached out to trace my cheekbone. He leaned back in and kissed me, gently pushing me onto my back.
I curled my fingers into his hair as his lips traveled down my neck and across my collarbone, finally stopping to graze just above the lace of my bra. I sucked in a breath as I felt his trail continue down my ribs and across my stomach, stopping just above my belly button. His warm breath on my skin had me shivering and I tugged on his hair as his lips teased me. His body moved back up against mine until we were face to face again.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded my head yes, but it wasn’t enough. “Do you want to stop?” I shook my head no. “Are you sure? I’m okay if you need to stop.”
“Hunter,” I said as I locked my eyes on his. “I don’t want you to stop.”
“Oh god,” he whispered before both of us became completely undone.
The sun woke me up, but I had no intention of moving from where I was. Hunter’s sleeping form was behind me and the steady rise and fall of his chest against my back told me he was sound asleep. I kissed the top of the arm that was draped over me and felt him shift a little.
“Good morning,” his groggy voice mumbled. I felt a kiss on the back of my head. “How are you feeling? Is that weird to ask?”
“Like I had the best dream, then I woke up and realized it was real. How are you feeling?” I asked in return.
“Completely head over heels in love with you.”
“We’re so sappy,” I teased.
As we got dressed we went over our cover story.
“So remember, it was a party we stayed at all night in a big group,” I said.
“Yep, a big party with tons of people around us.” Hunter and I had just gotten done with packing up the camping supplies and we needed to get them back to his house before his parents got home from their morning game of golf.
He gave me a lingering kiss as we said our goodbyes in his car and it made leaving him even more difficult.
“I’ll be over tomorrow,” he said between kisses. “And I won’t be able to stop thinking about last night.” I could feel the color rising into my cheeks.
“Same.” I pulled myself away and went into the house, completely prepared with my cover story, but my mom was too busy talking on the phone to ask me anything.
“Hi sweetie. There are left over muffins in the fridge. Help yourself. Did you have fun?” she asked.
“I did. It was great,” I said as I grabbed a muffin. My mom went back to her conversation and I took that as my cue to sneak away and lock myself in my room. It was hard to be alone with my thoughts. In-between every thought, an image of my night with Hunter would invade my mind and give me goosebumps. He must have been feeling the same because my phone started ringing with his name on the screen.
“Hi there,” I said when I answer it.
“You have ruined me,” he said with a little groan.
“Have I?”
“My mind is stuck on last night. I love you Fen.”
“I love you too. So much.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” I agreed before ending the call. I loved the feeling of the goosebumps his voice gave me.
“Hey, what are you doing right now?” a text from Monique said the next morning.
“Not much. What’s up?”
“Wanna grab breakfast?”
A little bit later we were sitting at the diner eating our breakfast and talking about schools. Monique gave me every exciting detail about the year she would spend in France and how Jeremy already had tickets to visit her while she was there.
“What about you Fen? Did you get any acceptances?” she asked between bites. I put my fork down as I weighed the pros and cons of telling her.
“I did. Two of my top three,” I said, sounding more grim than I had meant to.
“Wow. Not the reaction I would have expected.”
“I know. I just...it’ll be a lot harder to leave now.”
“Because of Hunter?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. I nodded to confirm she was right.
“Fenley, if I may offer some advice? You should do the things you want to do. Smash your goals. If your relationship with Hunter is for keeps then it’ll survive a few years apart.” I was impressed at how simple she made it sound.
I spent the rest of the weekend pondering my conversation with Monique and making mental pro/con lists of going away for school. The thought of making a decision had me distracted and Hunter picked up on it when he came over for dinner.
“Where are you tonight?” he asked as we sat on my porch swing.
“I’m right here next to you,” I answered, giving him a confused look.
“No, I mean your head. You seem far away. Is everything okay?” He looked deep into my eyes as if searching for an answer.
“Everything is fine.” I tried to say it with my most convincing smile, but he still looked skeptical. Luckily he didn’t press and I was thankful that he knew me well enough to know when to stop.
❁ ❁ ❁
The next school day was business as usual, except for the fact that no one could concentrate. The entire school seemed to already be on summer break and all of us were suffering a bad case of senior-itis. We’d be graduating in a few weeks and the thought of being done with high school forever was as scary as it was a relief. I was thankful for the changes senior year had brought and that I would actually have things to miss about school.
I could hear my mom calling my name as Hunter and I put our things down after school. She sounded excited about something and when Hunter gave me a questioning look I just shrugged. We found her in the kitchen and she almost looked like she would bust from look on her face.
“Okay, sit down. I think I have some exciting news,” she said and we did as instructed. “I got a call today, and at first I was very confused, but then I realized it was admissions from NYU. They are waiting for deposits for your first year. Sweetie! You got in! Your acceptance letter must be lost in the mail,” she said, almost screaming it, but her enthusiasm slowly faded as she watched m face. I glanced at Hunter who was watching me, wide eyed. “Did you hear me?” she asked. “You’re in!”
“I know,” I said, sheepishly. Now Hunter looked confused. “The letter wasn’t lost. I just don’t know what I want to do.”
“Yes you do. You want to go to NYU,” he said.
“Fenley, why didn’t you tell me?” my mom asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“I don’t know if I want to go.”
“That’s ridiculous. You have worked your ass off for this,” Hunter said, but he didn’t need to remind me.
“I know, but it isn’t that easy. I need some air.” I got up and went to the porch swing and Hunter followed behind.
“How long ago did you find out?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t go.”
“What? Why?” He asked
in disbelief and then suddenly his face changed as realization hit him in slow motion. He stood up and paced in place as complete frustration washed over him. “Fuck!” he shouted as his fist hit the wall, making me jump. “No. You’re not doing this,” he said as his fists balled at his sides. “You’re not going to waste an opportunity like this because of me.” I quickly rose from where I was sitting and stood in front of him. I cautiously put my hands on his arms to calm him, but he wouldn’t look at me.
“Hunter, this is my choice. I haven’t declined the offer just yet. I need time to think.”
“Fenley, I can’t be the one holding you back.” He looked down at me, pleading at me with his eyes.
“You’re not. I promise. It’s just a lot to think about. I don’t know if I want to be so far from home. So many changes all at once has me worried.” I watched as he took a deep breath and relaxed a little.
“I’m sorry.” He gently kissed the top of my head. “I just don’t want you to miss out on this opportunity if it’s really what you want.” He pulled me into a hug but ended it just as I was relaxing into it. “I should get going. I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow, okay?”
“We’re not studying?”
“I have some stuff to take care of. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kissed me softly before walking away, but I had a sinking feeling that everything was different between us.
40.
I saw my NYU brochures sitting on my desk as I dried my hair and the sight of them had me questioning everything. Was I really sacrificing what I wanted just so I could stay home with him? The thought seemed so ridiculous, but deep down it was the truth. I hadn’t even had the heart to tell him or anyone else from home that I was able to sneak in an interview during my holiday visit to the city, only because Aunt Haley pulled some strings for me.
I picked up the brochure and flopped on my bed. As I thumbed through the pages I remembered how happy I was in the city and how it felt like where I was always supposed to be, but the picture of Hunter and me on my bedside table made it hard to commit to anything. I crawled under the covers and checked my phone. I’d usually have a goodnight text from Hunter, but there wasn’t anything. I pulled up his name to text him, but as my fingers lingered over the screen, my mind went blank. I didn’t know what to say so I shut the screen off and sank into my bed for a completely sleepless night.
Hunter picked me up for school and kissed me hello in his car like he normally did, but something was off. I could tell by the excuse he gave me about not texting goodnight.
“I’m sorry, I just fell asleep,” he said, sheepishly.
“It’s not a big deal. I was just worried you were upset or something.”
“Why would I be upset with you?”
“I didn’t say with me. I just said upset.”
“Oh, well I wasn’t. I was just super tired.”
Our conversation ended when we got to school. I could tell he was distracted and I had to resist the urge to make him say what was on his mind, but the timing was all wrong. Monique had noticed it too. He had made an excuse to leave lunch early, leaving me there to explain when she didn’t buy his excuse.
“What’s up with him?” she asked.
“He found out, by accident, about NYU. I was going to tell him as soon as I had made a decision, but now it looks like I was keeping a secret.”
“Weren’t you though?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’m not defending him or picking sides,” she said gently, “ but there is a reason you hesitated in telling him. I think deep down you know you’re going and you don’t want to face that yet.”
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Know what’s in my head before I have even had a chance to figure it out?”
She just smiled at me and handed me a bite of her chocolate chip cookie.
“That’s what friends are for!”
I had my entire afternoon and evening to mull over my choice. Hunter didn’t walk me inside after school like he usually did when we arrived home and no matter how much he played it down, things were definitely strained between us. I needed to talk to him because I hated the tension between us, but for the time, I would leave him alone because I still needed to sort some things out for myself.
I closed my eyes and thought about what my day might look like in the city. I knew I would wake up early every day to stop at my favorite cafe that happened to be around the corner from one of the main buildings on campus. I could picture how I would decorate my dorm room and I wondered who my suite mates would be and what they would be like. I was smiling as I let the images flood my mind and suddenly my decision was staring right at me. I needed to go. I needed to do this for myself. Some distance wasn’t enough to destroy what I had with Hunter.
❁ ❁ ❁
I didn’t talk about it on our ride to school the next day. He was quiet again and the timing didn’t feel right. The tension between us was thick and I contemplated finding another way home, but he had other plans.
“Can we go somewhere after school?” he asked, surprising me because it felt like he wanted to be as far away from me as possible.
“Sure. What did you have in mind?”
“Let’s go to Mucho.”
“I can’t turn down tacos and iced tea,” I said with a forced smile. He kissed the top of my head before leaving me in the hallway.
“I love you,” he said, not waiting for me to reply.
I had never really been nervous around Hunter, but sitting across from him as he only poked at his food had my stomach in knots. I didn’t want to feel like this again, so I decided I would tell him about NYU before I went home for the night, but he brought it up first.
“Why didn’t you tell me about your college acceptances?” he asked, catching me off guard.
“I told you. I hadn’t made a choice and didn’t want to say anything until I thought it over.”
“Fen, I’m going to Colorado,” he said out of the blue.
“Oh my gosh Hunter! That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you.” Colorado State was his top pick because of the visual arts program and I knew he hand’t had much faith when he put his application in, but there was no celebration or excitement in his expression.
“I...Fen, I don’t think I can do the distance thing,” he said, annihilating anything I had been thinking. His jaw was rigid and he stared at me as he waited for a moment before he went on. “I think it would be better for both of us to go to school and have a fresh start.” I stared at him for a good ten seconds before I found my voice.
“A fresh start? Where is this coming from?” I asked in a strained and confused voice.
“I just think it would be best if we...” He tried explaining as what he was saying started to sink in, but I wasn’t having it.
“Don’t. I know what you’re doing and you need to stop.”
“Fen,” he said in a gentle way that made me want to get up and run. “I really think this is for the best.”
“Breaking up with me just before graduation, out of the blue with no warning is ‘for the best’?” I asked with a humorless laugh. “It has nothing to do with helping me make my decision to stay or go?” The bitterness in my voice was apparent.
“No, Fenley, this has nothing to do with that.”
“Oh great. So if it isn’t that, then you truly want your freedom for college. At least if this had been for my sake then I wouldn’t be wondering what I did wrong,” I said as my voice started to quiver. “Where the hell is this coming from Hunter? Why now?”
“Fen, try to understand,” he pleaded, reaching across the table to take my hand, but the gesture made me flinch. I wiped a tear that spilled from the brave face I was trying to maintain and took a deep breath, then I got up from my side of the booth and walked away as he called after me. Once I was outside I let the sobs come.
I walked home in a haze of anger and hurt wondering the whole time if I had overestimated the goodness in Hunter. Would he really
break up with me just to have no strings when he went off to college? It seemed like the last thing he would be capable of, but I was learning that you never really know what someone is capable of until they show you.
I got to the curb of my house and groaned when I realized I had left all of my things in Hunter’s car. The last thing I wanted to do was see him, but I also needed my house keys. A few seconds later I heard the familiar sound of his engine idling behind me. I couldn’t turn around to look at him, but I could hear him park his car and get out.
“Here,” he said, holding my backpack out to me. I took it and without a word and started walking to my door. “Wait, Fen,” he started to say, but I cut him off.
“Just stop,” I said, sounding defeated. “You broke your promise to me. Do you even remember? I told you my biggest fear was not having you in my life and you said you would never let that happen.” I didn’t even realize I had been clutching my heart, but the pain I felt there was palpable. “There isn’t anything you can say to me right now that will help, so please just go. Go live your life and do what you want and I’ll do the same and we can pretend we never knew each other.”
“Jesus, that’s not what I want,” he said, and I could hear the resentment in his voice.
“I’m a little too heart broken to care about what you want right now. I need to figure out how to get over losing my best friend and boyfriend so, forgive me if I’m not very sympathetic to what you want.” I unlocked my front door with shaking hands and just before I opened it I heard him speak again.
“Fen,” he said in a voice so strained that I almost turned around, but instead I went inside leaving him behind so I could break apart.
❁ ❁ ❁
Fugly: Book One of the Fenley East Series Page 22
