He’d broken his promise—not to have sex with anyone who cared more than he did. Beth cared. He could see it in the way she looked at him: as if he was something good. As if he was beautiful too.
He couldn’t remember anyone ever looking at him like that, as if he were an actual freaking superhero. It made the centre of his chest raw and tight as if there were light in there, and warmth. As if he could do anything. It wasn’t the kind of feeling he’d had when the surgeon had said he’d successfully removed the lump, or when the oncologist had said he was cancer-free. This was a whole different kind of feeling, that someone believed he was good, that she believed in him. That everything he’d done and been through had been for this moment, for her.
And hell, he cared. Cared more than he wanted to admit. Cared more than ever before. And he wanted to keep on having that feeling.
And yet...it was impossible. For him to be happy meant she couldn’t be.
She stroked his chest with trembling fingers, which he captured with his. Tears still lingered in her eyes and she looked a mixture of happy and kind of weirded out. He kissed her forehead. ‘Are you okay?’
She smiled. ‘I think so. It’s just been so...much. I’m having trouble dealing with it all. You?’
I don’t know.
‘Yes. Yes, of course. Intense. Exhausted, actually.’ He cuddled closer and tried to push the nagging thoughts away.
She pressed against him and laughed softly, her palm on his chest, over his heart. ‘Oh? You’re a...what did Frank call it? A tupped-out ram. Do I need to be careful?’
‘Trust me, your liver and spleen are safe. But I can’t vouch for anything else.’ He ran fingertips over her nipples, loving the way they budded at his touch. He ran his hands down her curves, and he looked at her skin in the shaft of moonlight fingering through the open blinds. If this was going to end—and they both knew it would—he was going to make it the gentlest ending ever. Not like last time. ‘How many more freckles are there now?’
She giggled against his ribs. ‘Infinity has no end.’
Like the feeling in his chest that was so intense he wasn’t sure he would breathe properly again. He stroked down her side, stopping at a whorl of purple on her hip bone. ‘What are these? Bruises?’
She shrugged. ‘Must be from falling in the snow when I was at Dennis’s farm. I was more on the ground than upright. I should have just gone roly-poly down that hill.’
‘God, you put your all into everything you do. You always did.’ She was so beautiful and he had to tell her, show her what he felt, just once. ‘I didn’t think we’d ever...get this chance again. I just wish we’d had more time.’
She tilted her head to look at him, her hair tickling his neck. Her eyes tear-stained but dry now and ardent. ‘We have time, Alex. We have a few more days before I go back. Then...who knows what could happen? It’s not far to Glasgow.’
He did not want to say this, but he had to. He’d told her enough for her to not get any ideas that this could be anything more than temporary. Even though temporary wasn’t what he wanted. ‘We both know this can’t go anywhere.’
‘It feels like you’ve already decided.’ She kept on looking at him as if she could see the very depths of his soul. ‘Tell me.’
This was the talking about it that they’d agreed on yesterday. She wanted to know about the treatment, about everything. She wanted to know about everything he wanted to forget. She wanted to know where they stood now and what the future held.
And ruin this moment? No, thank you. He pushed the sheets back and stood up, pulling on some boxers, suddenly too aware of the gaping chasm between what they wanted and what they could actually have. ‘We need to go downstairs to check on Boy.’
But she kept on looking at him and they both knew he was stepping back from his usual forthright Alex and hedging.
‘Okay. Yes. Come on, then.’ She wrapped a blanket round her shoulders and wandered back downstairs clutching two pillows. He followed, carrying two more. She was naked, but for the blanket wrap, her hair hung down her back in loose honey curls and her mouth was bruised and swollen from kissing. She knelt to stroke Boy, who was clutching his saggy green and yellow toy duck in his front paws. Alex wondered if it was possible to die from feeling too much. Because if it was, he was probably in his last minutes on Earth right now.
‘Is he okay?’
‘Sound asleep.’ She plumped up the pillows and put them at one end of the sofa, then threw the blankets down, devising a makeshift bed. She climbed in and beckoned for him to follow.
He climbed in next to her, slid his arm under her and tugged her to his chest. He could hardly believe it. She was here in his arms. Christmas come early. Christmas. His heart clenched.
Not now. Don’t spoil it. Be gentle.
‘This is even smaller than your bed.’
She wiggled her hip against him. ‘Cosy. I like it.’
And he had to admit, the glowing space in his chest was filled with warmth and a feeling he didn’t want to end. She breathed against him, hooking her arm over his abdomen. ‘Given Mikey’s history, didn’t you do regular checks for lumps?’
So if he thought he was off the hook he was sorely mistaken. He knew her well enough that she wasn’t going to give up. He stared into the darkness. Thinking about the past and the future that had been stolen from him. Her future too. He owed her this talk.
‘I did checks, of course. Regular and thorough. Then I got busy with the clinical rotations at the hospital. Working long hours with no sleep for days was hard and there was the studying on top. Routines become non-existent and it’s just a case of trying to survive. You lose track of the days and...you get blasé. You see people who are sick and you know you’re not like them. You begin to think you’re bulletproof.’
‘You should be able to think like that when you’re young.’
‘And then one day it occurred to me that I hadn’t even thought about it. That should have been a good thing, right? That I was getting through the grief of losing Mikey. And so I did the usual checking...’ The day he’d found the lump had been one of his darkest. He hadn’t needed a specialist to tell him what it was. ‘I just hadn’t realised it could spread so quickly. It was aggressive.’
She squeezed against him and took his hand, lacing her fingers into his. ‘Didn’t they offer sperm banking?’
The real nub of it all now. Could she have the future she wanted and with him? Was this even a scenario she could imagine?
Had they mentioned saving his sperm? ‘Everything from that day is a blur—except the diagnosis. It was as if the consultant had just said cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer and nothing else. I remember the panic that filled my whole body. The cold of the ultrasound jelly. The feel of the oxygen mask on my face. The taste of the anaesthetic as I drifted to sleep. I think they did talk about sperm banking...but I don’t remember saying yes. I was too worked up to get the damned tumour out of me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was blinded by panic. I thought I was going to die, Beth. I thought I was going to face months of treatment and then things would get worse and then that would be the end. You have no idea the kind of things you feel—or don’t feel—when you’re staring at the prospect of dying. Of how much living you still want to do and you don’t have time.’
He remembered the phone call he’d made, willing himself to stay calm and sound normal. Blunt but normal. Trying to stop Beth from crying when his own tears were streaming down his cheeks. The thought he might never see her again and that he was glad that he’d saved her from all this mess.
Then, the wait for his parents and feeling so alone.
‘I would have been panicked too.’ She kissed his knuckles. ‘And now? Now the panic is over?’
‘I haven’t been tested in a few years, but the last test said I had zero chance of getting a woman pregnant. And the test before that. Every test,
Beth. Post-treatment fertility levels vary and sometimes they recover. So far mine hasn’t. There are no guarantees. I can’t say what will happen.’ He needed to get this through to her. This was why he’d refused to make meaningful connections with any woman. ‘I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.’
She stared into the dying embers in the grate. ‘It doesn’t all have to be your decision, Alex.’
‘I’m not going to let anyone martyr themselves over me. Okay? I don’t want pity.’ He wanted her love. He wanted to be the man she wanted, deserved. And he just couldn’t be.
‘Give me a chance to prove that there is nothing like pity in here.’ She put her hand on her chest. ‘But there’s a whole lot of something and I know you feel it too. Something good, something that’s not going to go away any time soon.’
She pressed her lips together and he wondered if she was holding back more tears. When she turned to him he saw that she was and his heart melted all over again. He smoothed her hair back and kissed her cheek. ‘Let’s not talk about the future. Let’s just do the present.’
She put her hand to his chest. ‘I like the present.’
‘Me too. I like you, Beth Masters. So damned much.’ He didn’t want to talk any more. Or think. He just wanted to lose himself in her. Cupping her face, he slid his mouth over hers. This kiss was filled with everything he wanted to tell her. His regret, his feelings for her, which were currently a lot more than like on the affection scale. He wanted to make the most of what they had left even though he knew spending more time with her would make it so much harder to walk away in the end. But, for now, he was going to live in the present and think about the future another day.
Just as things were getting interesting she jerked and kicked out her leg. ‘Ugh! What the hell is that? Button—I mean, Boy? What the heck? He’s nudging his nose on my hip.’
Alex laughed. ‘He does that when he needs a wee.’
‘I’ll take him.’ Sighing, she went to stand but he slid from the sofa and wrapped a lap blanket round his waist. ‘No, I will. I’ll let him out in the garden. Stay right there. Do not go to sleep. Do not pass go...we have more catching up to do.’
‘I am far from sleep, Dr Norton.’ She shivered and pulled the covers up to her shoulders. ‘But what about our little puppy audience?’
He grinned, his heart full, a little panicked by the weight in his chest and a lot turned on. ‘Didn’t you know? That’s why blankets were invented.’
* * *
‘Alex—?’ Beth felt about for his warm body and found nothing but space next to her on the sofa. He’d gone. Her heart trembled. Gone where? Was that it? Over so soon? She sat up and blinked, and the panic subsided. ‘Oh.’
He was curled up asleep, at the far end of the sofa, his bare chest covered by a snoozing puppy. Soft dawn light filtered through the blinds, bathing them in a halo of gold. Oh, God, could he be any sexier? Her chest flooded with warmth just to look at them, so completely relaxed.
This was how things could have been—him, a pet or two and further down the line some kids. The family she’d always craved. Her heart felt as if it were turning in on itself. That wasn’t going to happen, not with Alex. If he asked, would she put that dream aside?
She didn’t know. She couldn’t say. How did you stifle your ticking body clock?
They’d missed eight years, and yet would she have felt like this if she’d walked his cancer journey beside him? Would she honestly have stayed the duration? She liked to think she would have, but she didn’t know. She’d have given up her course to look after him, the way he’d taken a six-month break to look after Mikey, but then what?
In the meantime, she’d finished her degree and got a whole load of experience. She’d grown independent, without him. She’d grown out of the break-up and now she knew what she wanted and what she was prepared to take and also what she wasn’t prepared to give up. Could she give up her dream? For the man who’d already broken her heart?
Would he ask?
Alex stirred and uncurled, one hand clasping Boy to his stomach. ‘Beth. You’re still here. Good. Very good. Sleep okay?’
‘The best for a long time.’ She stretched over and kissed them both, pausing to nuzzle into Boy’s soft silk coat. ‘You?’
‘We had three wees overnight and a little play at four-thirty...until five fifty-two.’ He didn’t look cross, just mussed-up and sleepy and very much in love with his dog. ‘There is absolutely nothing wrong with this animal.’
‘Good. That’s so good to hear.’ Her heart was filled with relief. And yet a sadness she couldn’t shake. ‘But playing at night-time? Really? Why didn’t you wake me?’
He stroked her leg and his eyes crinkled with fun. ‘I need you to have all the energy you can muster.’
‘Oh? What for?’
‘You know what for.’ He tiptoed his fingers up her thigh, making her gasp. She crawled into his arms, her breasts puckering against his bare skin. It was impossible to refuse him.
Because she definitely knew what for. He’d shown her what for, under the blankets. Twice. And she’d relished every stroke and every kiss. She loved the way he made her feel. She loved the way he looked at her.
So why break it all with questions? They had no idea what was going to happen. Who did? You could make plans and be knocked over by a truck tomorrow. She was going to enjoy this ride, for as long as it lasted. Which, she considered with an ache in her chest, was going to be until Christmas Day when she pointed her car towards Glasgow.
She snuggled against him, breathing in the man and fussing over the dog. It was perfect. For now. She struggled with the catch in her throat. Damned emotions, she still hadn’t worked out how to declutter them.
Alex looked quite pleased with himself as he said, ‘I need you to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for a date.’
‘Oh? Really?’ That was a surprise.
He nodded. ‘Boy wants to go to the Christmas markets in Carlisle, so I promised we’d take him.’
She couldn’t hide her smile. ‘So, it’s a date for Boy really, not for me.’
‘He said you could come. If you behaved yourself.’
She laughed, because how could she not? ‘But you don’t like Christmas. The same way I don’t like Christmas. It has too many memories.’
His eyes clouded and he stroked her cheek. ‘Oh, Beth. I am so sorry. I know that’s my fault.’
She shrugged, telling herself it didn’t matter any more. Trying to believe it. ‘It’s okay. Honestly. Each Christmas is different and it’s up to us to make them good ones.’
‘Exactly. And Boy doesn’t have any experience of the festive thing, so we’re going to educate him.’ He leaned in and kissed her. ‘And I want to make things better.’
She took a deep breath. ‘They are better.’
‘Good.’ He jumped up and put the puppy on the floor, then tugged her to standing. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply until she was moaning his name and wanting more. But he pulled away and smiled. ‘Right, you go shower. I’ll make breakfast.’
‘You cook too? That’s new. I like the new you, Alex Norton.’
‘It’s muesli, don’t get too excited.’ He squeezed her bottom. ‘And I like you more, Elizabeth Grace.’
She tucked that away and almost danced up the stairs. It was stupid to let her heart jump at his words. He’d broken her and he could do it again.
But forewarned was forearmed and she was stronger now. She knew not to invest too much and she was trying hard not to. She turned the shower tap on high and stood under the hosing water until her skin was red and the soft aches from their lovemaking were eased a little and she’d gathered herself together and got her head in the right space for a day at work.
When she sauntered back into the bedroom he was waiting for her. Her skin prickled at the sight of him, in anticipa
tion of a smile, a kiss, sex. ‘Oh? Wanting to join me? Sorry, I just got out. I can go back in...?’
‘No. Beth.’ He was holding the phone in his hand, his face pale. Something was wrong. Something bad. Her heart thumped and she clutched the towel tight around her, all thoughts of sex and kisses chased away. Ice slid into her chest. ‘Was that the hospital again? Is it about Dennis?’
He swallowed. Shook his head. His eyes were sad. So sad. ‘No.’
‘Then what? What’s the matter? Are you sick? Is it my mum?’
‘No.’ He took her to the bed and sat her down, stroking her cheek. ‘It was someone asking to adopt Boy.’
‘No.’ Her heart slammed against her rib cage. ‘They can’t.’
‘They can. We advertised. We asked everyone to put the word out.’ He blinked, his lashes damp, his breathing uneven. He cleared his throat. ‘A family. Two small children who desperately want a puppy for Christmas.’
‘It’s for life, Alex. Not just the festive season.’
He held her and rocked her close. ‘They sound nice, Beth. They have a farm, so he has lots of space to play and run around.’
She clenched her fists, trying not to cling to him. She didn’t want to be needy. She didn’t want to feel so much about either of them. But it was too late. She’d fallen in love with Boy and...no. She wasn’t going to admit that the way she felt about Alex was anything more than a crush. An infatuation. A sexy walk down Memory Lane. She wasn’t in love with him. But her heart was still breaking. ‘When? When do they want him?’
‘They’re coming to collect him tonight. After work. It’s Christmas in three days and they want to have him as soon as possible.’
She fought back tears. ‘So soon?’
‘It’s for the best, eh?’ Alex’s voice broke slightly and she realised he was hurting as much as she was. And yet was trying to be gentle with her. ‘Better to let him go now before we get too attached.’
A Puppy and a Christmas Proposal Page 15
