by Ann Aguirre
Looking bemused, Clay kisses me. “Rough day?”
“A little. They’re protective.” I glance past him, startled to see Nathan already in the backseat. “That’s … unexpected.”
“He’s part of the surprise.”
“I’m game.” But since I didn’t mention this to Jeannie, I call after I buckle up. “Before picking up my car, I’m hanging out with Clay and Nathan. I’ll be home by dinnertime.”
“Have fun,” she says.
So normal. So awesome.
On the way to wherever we’re going, I pester the guys for hints, but neither one will tell me anything. I’m grumpy when we pull into the strip mall where Clay works. He glances back at Nathan, who’s smiling. I also notice that he’s sober, so maybe he’s finally dealing with his shit instead of acting like a toddler.
“We’re getting tattoos?” I guess, remembering what Nathan said that day in the car.
“It’ll be the first design of mine that’ll be done in ink,” Clay mumbles.
My interest sharpens. “Can I see it?”
“Let’s go inside first. Blue is expecting us.” I’d swear he’s blushing as he helps me out of the car, not that I need it. But it seems like he wants an excuse to touch me.
The shop is just as clean as it was last time. A girl working the front desk smiles a little too brightly at Clay, and I take his hand. Nathan watches this with a faint smirk, but there’s no malice in it. Maybe he’s immature and more selfish than I realized but he’s not awful at the bone.
Oblivious to this microdrama, Clay gets out his sketchbook and shows me what he’s created. I fall in love instantly, both because it’s beautiful, and because it’s a gift from him that I can emblazon on my skin. The design is fairly simple, black ink, stylized letters that read LIV(E), both my name and a reminder of how to greet each day, framed by two black lines that form half a heart around the word.
“Do you like it?” he asks.
“It’s perfect.”
Clay fills out the forms, occasionally asking a few questions about medical history and immunization. Once that’s taken care of, Nathan goes first, choosing to get the tattoo over his heart. Though we’re not together, it’s impossible to feel nothing. Once it’s done, I give him a sideways hug, so as not to irritate his chest. He pats my back.
“Don’t get mushy on me, rich girl. This is … closure. Before, I guess I just didn’t want to accept that she was gone.”
I offer a lopsided smile as Clay takes his turn. “You’re so sad. If I catch you drinking again, I’ll send your ass to rehab.”
“Yeah, yeah.” But he’s smiling.
Twenty minutes later, Clay emerges from the back room with his wrist bandaged. Though we didn’t discuss it beforehand, that’s where I’m having mine done, too. Blue beckons to me and I head back for my virgin ink. She goes over what I can expect as I relax into the chair. There are three rooms, two of which are occupied, and I can hear the gun already buzzing.
“Are you scared?” she asks.
“Not of this.”
“You have a decent pain tolerance?”
I think of dying in that field and nod. “I’d say so.”
“Okay, then this shouldn’t be a problem. Where do you want this?”
In response I offer my left wrist. She takes care of all the hygiene procedures: cleaning her hands, surgical gloves, mask, sterilizing my wrists. It’s all pretty relaxing until she actually gets to work on the design. It hurts more than I expected but with each prick of the needle, it’s like she’s perforating a boundary. Before and after—in memory of Liv.
I close my eyes and ride it out. Eventually the machine stops and I examine her handiwork. Lovely, just like what Clay showed me from his portfolio. Blue cleans the site, takes a photo, and then bandages me up.
“You handled that like a champ,” she says with a smile.
“Thanks.”
She goes over the after-care instructions and gives me an information sheet, though she must be sure Clay will keep an eye on my wrist, too. I stare at the bandage, thinking, This is the real grave marker, not the stone my parents put down, and I’ll carry it on my skin.
“He loves you a lot, you know.”
I glance up in surprise. “It’s mutual.”
“I’d take it as a personal favor if you didn’t break that boy’s heart,” she says.
“That’s the last thing in the world I’ll ever do.” It’s a promise.
I get a nod. That’s the end as far as she’s concerned. Blue starts cleaning her equipment as I head out to the waiting area. Clay is pacing, like he thought I’d pass out or something. He stills when I appear. When he wraps an arm around me, it feels possessive … but in a good way, like he’s saying, This girl is mine, to the rest of the world.
And I am his, because I choose to be.
Nathan is already gone, probably to give us some privacy. I give him full credit for knowing what’s up as I reach up to kiss Clay. He doesn’t let go of me as we stroll out to the car. It’s past five, shadows lengthening on the ground.
“I’ve been thinking…” I start.
“About what?”
He pauses beside the car, so different from the Corvair that gave him half of his wild reputation. Clay probably understands better than most how it feels to have strangers talk like they know you. In this world it’s rare to find a heart with matching wounds.
“I’m not Liv anymore, but I’m not Morgan either. And I’ve noticed you don’t know what to call me.”
“Sorry,” he mutters, like this is a fault.
“My middle name is Ellis,” I go on. “My mom’s maiden name. When I go away to school, I’ll probably ask people to call me Elle. If you want, you could start early.”
Most people don’t get to pick their names. But most aren’t reborn into someone else’s body. Elle is perfect because it belonged to Morgan but it carries two Ls at its heart to represent Liv, allowing me to be myself, a hybrid of who I am and who I’ve been. In a sense, maybe that’s true of everyone as they learn and grow and regret things they did before they knew better.
There’s a light in his eyes; he likes having a secret name for me. “Okay. Elle.”
For that bit of sweetness, I kiss him. That distracts us for ten minutes, until he’s breathing hard and I’m glowing. “I was right, wasn’t I?”
“About what?” I ask.
“Everything being okay.”
I smile. “Better than, actually.”
Life is strange, marvelous, and inexplicable. In this moment I feel brand new, like anything is possible. When Clay pulls me close, I believe that maybe—just maybe—it is.
After all, I was Liv, then Morgan, and now I’m Elle … and against the odds, I have come home.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, thanks to Whitney Ross for falling in love with this book. She is truly the perfect champion for the work, and she just gets me. The entire Tor Teen team has been fantastic and enthusiastic, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to see this project come to fruition. Many thanks for all the hard work and dedication!
The idea sprang from a fragment of a dream—four teens joyriding on a summer night—and a Pablo Neruda poem, the one referenced in the epigram. “You Will Remember” is so visceral and evocative that I became obsessed with those four teens, the joyride, and how it changed everything. From that inspiration came the story of forbidden love and a heroine who is torn between brothers.
Next, I need to thank Kate Elliott for her encouragement. She made me believe I could succeed with this story. Her response to an early draft was so lovely and moving that I had a hard time believing she could be talking about my book.
I’m also indebted to my writing partner (in other projects), Rachel Caine. Her wisdom and expertise are invaluable, and she gives the best advice.
I want to thank the friends and colleagues who keep me strong, including but not limited to: Bree Bridges, Melissa Blue, Nafiza Azad, Elizabeth May, Lish McBride, All
ison Pang, Justina Ireland, Annie Bellet, Karuna Riazi, Lilith Saintcrow, Cindy Pon, Suleikha Snyder, Piper J. Drake, Silvia Moreno-Garcia, Lori M. Lee, and Courtney Milan. If I’ve forgotten anyone, it’s because I’m absentminded, not that your care has gone unnoticed.
My beta readers need a special mention, though I’ve dedicated this book to two of them. Karen Alderman, Fedora Chen, and Pamela Webb-Elliott cheer me on when I need it most and give great feedback so I can consistently create quality stories.
I also thank my family for putting up with me. I must give special mention to my son, Alek, who often helps me think my way out of thorny plot problems.
Last but never least, I offer my heart to my readers, who’ve kept the door open for me for more than ten years. Thank you for your faith.
ALSO BY ANN AGUIRRE
Enclave
Outpost
Horde
Vanguard
Mortal Danger
Public Enemies
Infinite Risk
The Queen of Bright and Shiny Things
With Rachel Caine
Honor Among Thieves
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ANN AGUIRRE has been a clown, a clerk, a savior of stray kittens, and a voice actress, not necessarily in that order. She grew up in a yellow house across from a cornfield, but now she lives in Mexico with her family and various pets. She likes action movies, Korean dramas, and video games, and she writes all kinds of genre fiction for adults and teens.
Visit her on the web at www.annaguirre.com, or sign up for email updates here.
Twitter: @MsAnnAguirre
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Acknowledgments
Also by Ann Aguirre
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
LIKE NEVER AND ALWAYS
Copyright © 2018 by Ann Aguirre
All rights reserved.
Cover art by Daniel Cullen
A Tor Teen Book
Published by Tom Doherty Associates
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Tor® is a registered trademark of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC.
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-0-7653-9758-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-0-7653-9761-4 (ebook)
eISBN 9780765397614
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First Edition: July 2018
