She slid away from him, and he stood up.
“And do you think I want it?” she said.
“I hope you don’t,” he replied. “But anyhow, you go to bed an’ I’ll sleep down here.”
She looked at him. He was pale, his brows were sullen, he was as distant in recoil as the cold pole. Men were all alike.
“I can’t go home till morning,” she said.
“No! Go to bed. It’s a quarter to one.”
“I certainly won’t,” she said.
He went across and picked up his boots.
“Then I’ll go out!” he said.
He began to put on his boots. She stared at him.
“Wait!” she faltered. “Wait! What’s come between us?”
He was bent over, lacing his boot, and did not reply. The moments passed. A dimness came over her, like a swoon. All her consciousness died, and she stood there wide-eyed, looking at him from the unknown, knowing nothing any more.
He looked up, because of the silence, and saw her wide-eyed and lost. And as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her, one shoe off and one shoe on, and took her in his arms, pressing her against his body, which somehow felt hurt right through. And there he held her, and there she remained.
Till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her, and felt under the clothing to where she was smooth and warm.
“Ma lass!” he murmured. “Ma little lass! Dunna let’s fight! Dunna let’s niver fight! I love thee an’ th’ touch on thee. Dunna argue wi’ me! Dunna! Dunna! Dunna! Let’s be together.”
She lifted her face and looked at him.
“Don’t be upset,” she said steadily. “It’s no good being upset. Do you really want to be together with me?”
She looked with wide, steady eyes into his face. He stopped, and went suddenly still, turning his face aside. All his body went perfectly still, but did not withdraw.
Then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes, with his odd, faintly mocking grin, saying: “Ay-ay! Let’s be together on oath.”
“But really?” she said, her eyes filling with tears.
“Ay really! Heart an’ belly an’ cock.”
He still smiled faintly down at her, with the flicker of irony in his eyes, and a touch of bitterness.
She was silently weeping, and he lay with her and went into her there on the hearthrug, and so they gained a measure of equanimity. And then they went quickly to bed, for it was growing chill, and they had tired each other out. And she nestled up to him, feeling small and enfolded, and they both went to sleep at once, fast in one sleep. And so they lay and never moved, till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning.
Then he woke up and looked at the light. The curtains were drawn. He listened to the loud wild calling of blackbirds and thrushes in the wood. It would be a brilliant morning, about half-past five, his hour for rising. He had slept so fast! It was such a new day! The woman was still curled asleep and tender. His hand moved on her, and she opened her blue wondering eyes, smiling unconsciously into his face.
“Are you awake?” she said to him.
He was looking into her eyes. He smiled, and kissed her. And suddenly she roused and sat up.
“Fancy that I am here!” she said.
She looked round the whitewashed little bedroom with its sloping ceiling and gable window where the white curtains were closed. The room was bare save for a little yellow-painted chest of drawers, and a chair: and the smallish white bed in which she lay.
“Fancy that we are here!” she said, looking down at him. He was lying watching her, stroking her breasts with his fingers, under the thin night-dress. When he was warm and smoothed out, he looked young and handsome. His eyes could look so warm. And she was fresh and young like a flower.
“I want to take this off!” he said, gathering the thin batiste night-dress and pulling it over her head. She sat there with bare shoulders and longish breasts faintly golden. He loved to make her breasts swing softly, like bells.
“You must take off your pyjamas too,” she said.
“Eh nay!”
“Yes! Yes!” she commanded.
And he took off his old cotton pyjama-jacket and pushed down the trousers. Save for his hands and wrists and face and neck he was white as milk, with fine slender muscular flesh. To Connie he was suddenly piercingly beautiful again, as when she had seen him that afternoon washing himself.
Gold of sunshine touched the closed white curtains. She felt it wanted to come in.
“Oh! do let’s draw the curtains! The birds are singing so! Do let the sun in,” she said.
He slipped out of bed with his back to her, naked and white and thin, and went to the window, stooping a little, drawing the curtains and looking out for a moment. The back was white and fine, the small buttocks beautiful with exquisite, delicate manliness, the back of the neck ruddy and delicate and yet strong.
There was an inward, not an outward strength in the delicate and yet strong body.
“But you are beautiful!” she said. “So pure and fine! Come!” She held her arms out.
He was ashamed to turn to her, because of his aroused nakedness.
He caught his shirt off the floor, and held it to him, coming to her.
“No!” she said, still holding out her beautiful slim arms from her drooping breasts. “Let me see you!”
He dropped the shirt and stood still, looking towards her. The sun through the low window sent a beam that lit up his thighs and slim belly, and the erect phallus rising darkish and hot-looking from the little cloud of vivid gold-red hair. She was startled and afraid.
“How strange!” she said slowly. “How strange he stands there! So big! and so dark and cocksure! Is he like that?”
The man looked down the front of his slender white body, and laughed. Between the slim breasts the hair was dark, almost black. But at the root of the belly, where the phallus rose thick and arching, it was gold-red, vivid in a little cloud.
“So proud!” she murmured, uneasy. “And so lordly! Now I know why men are so overbearing. But he’s lovely, really. Like another being! A bit terrifying! But lovely really! And he comes to me!—” She caught her lower lip between her teeth, in fear and excitement.
The man looked down in silence at his tense phallus, that did not change.—”Ay!” he said at last, in a little voice. “Ay ma lad! Tha’rt theer right enough. Yi, tha mun rear thy head! Theer on thy own, eh? an ta’es no count o’ nob’dy! Tha ma’es nowt o’ me, John Thomas. Art boss? of me? Eh well, tha’rt more cocky than me, an’ tha says less. John Thomas! Dost want her? Dost want my lady Jane? Tha’s dipped me in again, tha hast. Ay, an’ tha comes up smilin’.—Ax ’er then! Ax lady Jane! Say: Lift up your heads o’ ye gates, that the king of glory may come in. Ay, th’ cheek on thee! Cunt, that’s what tha’rt after. Tell lady Jane tha wants cunt. John Thomas, an’ th’ cunt o’ lady Jane!—”
“Oh, don’t tease him,” said Connie, crawling on her knees on the bed towards him and putting her arms round his white slender loins, and drawing him to her so that her hanging, swinging breasts touched the tip of the stirring, erect phallus, and caught the drop of moisture. She held the man fast.
“Lie down!” he said. “Lie down! Let me come!”
He was in a hurry now.
And afterwards, when they had been quite still, the woman had to uncover the man again, to look at the mystery of the phallus.
“And now he’s tiny, and soft like a little bud of life!” she said, taking the soft small penis in her hand. “Isn’t he somehow lovely! so on his own, so strange! And so innocent! And he comes so far into me! You must never insult him, you know. He’s mine too. He’s not only yours. He’s mine! And so lovely and innocent!” And she held the penis soft in her hand.
He laughed.
“Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in kindred love,” he said.
“Of course?’ she said. “Even when he’s soft and little I feel my heart simply tied to him. And how
lovely your hair is here! quite quite different!”
“That’s John Thomas’ hair, not mine!” he said.
“John Thomas! John Thomas!” and she quickly kissed the soft penis, that was beginning to stir again.
“Ay!” said the man, stretching his body almost painfully. “He’s got his root in my soul, has that gentleman! An’ sometimes I don’t know what ter do wi’ him. Ay, he’s got a will of his own, an’ it’s hard to suit him. Yet I wouldn’t have him killed.”
“No wonder men have always been afraid of him!” she said. “He’s rather terrible.”
The quiver was going through the man’s body, as the stream of consciousness again changed its direction, turning downwards. And he was helpless, as the penis in slow soft undulations filled and surged and rose up, and grew hard, standing there hard and overweening, in its curious towering fashion. The woman too trembled a little as she watched.
“There! Take him then! He’s thine,” said the man.
And she quivered, and her own mind melted out. Sharp soft waves of unspeakable pleasure washed over her as he entered her, and started the curious molten thrilling that spread and spread till she was carried away with the last, blind flush of extremity.
He heard the distant hooters of Stacks Gate for seven o’clock. It was Monday morning. He shivered a little, and with his face between her breasts pressed her soft breasts up over his ears, to deafen him.
She had not even heard the hooters. She lay perfectly still, her soul washed transparent.
“You must get up, mustn’t you?” he muttered.
“What time?” came her colorless voice.
“Seven o’clock blowers a bit sin’.”
“I suppose I must.”
She was resenting, as she always did, the compulsion from outside.
He sat up and looked blankly out of the window.
“You do love me, don’t you?” she asked calmly.
He looked down at her.
“Tha knows what tha knows. What dost ax for!” he said, a little fretfully.
“I want you to keep me, not to let me go,” she said.
His eyes seemed full of a warm, soft darkness that could not think.
“When? Now?”
“Now, in your heart. Then I want to come and live with you always, soon.”
He sat on the bed, with his head dropped, unable to think.
“Don’t you want it?” she asked.
“Ay!” he said.
Then with the same eyes darkened with another flame of consciousness, almost like sleep, he looked at her.
“Dunna ax me nowt now,” he said. “Let me be. I like thee. I luv thee when tha lies theer. A woman’s a lovely thing when ’er’s deep ter fuck, and cunt’s good. Ah luv thee, thy legs, an’ th’ shape on thee, an’ th’ womanness on thee. Ah luv th’ womanness on thee. Ah luv thee wi’ my ba’s an’ wi’ my heart. But dunna ax me nowt. Dunna ma’e me say nowt. Let me stop as I am while I can. Tha can ax me ivrything after. Now let me be, let me be!”
And softly, he laid his hand over her mount of Venus, on the soft brown maiden-hair, and himself sat still and naked on the bed, his face motionless in physical abstraction, almost like the face of Buddha. Motionless, and in the invisible flame of another consciousness, he sat with his hand on her, and waited for the turn.
After a while, he reached for his shirt and put it on, dressed himself swiftly in silence, looked at her once as she still lay naked and faintly golden like a Gloire de Dijon rose on the bed, and was gone. She heard him downstairs opening the door.
And she still lay musing, musing. It was very hard to go: to go out of his house. He called from the foot of the stairs: “Half-past seven!” She sighed, and got out of bed. The bare little room! Nothing in it at all but the small chest of drawers and the smallish bed. But the board floor was scrubbed clean. And in the corner by the window gable was a shelf with some books, and some from a circulating library. She looked. There were books about bolshevist Russia, books of travel, a volume about the atom and the electron, another about the composition of the earth’s core, and the causes of earthquakes: then a few novels: then three books on India. So! He was a reader after all.
The sun fell on her naked limbs through the gable window. Outside she saw the dog Flossie roaming round. The hazel-brake was misted with green, and dark-green dogs’-mercury under. It was a clear clean morning with birds flying and triumphantly singing. If only she could stay! If only there weren’t the other ghastly world of smoke and iron! If only he would make her a world.
She came downstairs, down the steep, narrow wooden stairs. Still, she would be content with this little house, if only it were in a world of its own.
He was washed and fresh, and the fire was burning.
“Will you eat anything?” he said.
“No! Only lend me a comb.”
She followed him into the scullery, and combed her hair before the handbreadth of mirror by the back door. Then she was ready to go.
She stood in the little front garden, looking at the dewy flowers, the grey bed of pinks in bud already.
“I would like to have all the rest of the world disappear,” she said, “and live with you here.”
“It won’t disappear,” he said.
They went almost in silence through the lovely dewy wood. But they were together in a world of their own.
It was bitter to her to go on to Wragby.
“I want soon to come and live with you altogether,” she said as she left him.
He smiled unanswering.
She got home quietly and unremarked, and went up to her room.
Chapter Fifteen
There was a letter from Hilda on the breakfast tray. “Father is going to London this week, and I shall call for you on Thursday week, June 17th. You must be ready so that we can go at once. I don’t want to waste time at Wragby, it’s an awful place. I shall probably stay the night at Retford with the Colemans, so I should be with you for lunch Thursday. Then we could start at tea-time, and sleep perhaps in Grantham. It is no use our spending an evening with Clifford. If he hates your going, it would be no pleasure to him.”
So! She was being pushed around on the chessboard again.
Clifford hated her going, but it was only because he didn’t feel safe in her absence. Her presence, for some reason, made him feel safe, and free to do the things he was occupied with. He was a great deal at the pits, and wrestling in spirit with the almost hopeless problems of getting out his coal in the most economical fashion, and then selling it when he’d got it out. He knew he ought to find some way of using it, or converting it, so that he needn’t sell it, or needn’t have the chagrin of failing to sell it. But if he made electric power, could he sell that or use it? And to convert into oil was as yet too costly and elaborate. To keep industry alive there must be more industry, like a madness.
It was a madness, and it required a madman to succeed in it. Well, he was a little mad. Connie thought so. His very intensity and acumen in the affairs of the pits seemed like a manifestation of madness to her, his very inspirations were the inspirations of insanity.
He talked to her of all his serious schemes, and she listened in a kind of wonder, and let him talk. Then his flow ceased, and he turned on the loud-speaker, and became a blank, while apparently his schemes coiled on inside him like a kind of dream.
And every night now he played pontoon, that game of the Tommies, with Mrs. Bolton, gambling with six-pences. And again, in the gambling he was gone in a kind of unconscious, or blank intoxication, or intoxication of blankness, whatever it was. Connie could not bear to see him. But when she had gone to bed, he and Mrs. Bolton would gamble on till two and three in the morning, safely, and with strange lust. Mrs. Bolton was caught in the lust as much as Clifford: the more so, as she nearly always lost.
She told Connie one day: “I lost twenty-three shillings to Sir Clifford last night.
“And did he take the money from you?” asked Connie aghast.
>
“Why, of course, my Lady! Debt of honor!”
Connie expostulated roundly and was angry with both of them. The upshot was, Sir Clifford raised Mrs. Bolton’s wages a hundred a year, and she could gamble on that. Meanwhile it seemed to Connie, Clifford was really going deader.
She told him at length she was leaving on the seventeenth.
“Seventeenth!” he said. “And when will you be back?”
“By the twentieth of July at the latest.”
“Yes! the twentieth of July.”
Strangely and blankly he looked at her, with the vagueness of a child, but with the queer blank cunning of an old man.
“You won’t let me down, will you?” he said.
“How?”
“While you’re away. I mean, you’re sure to come back?”
“I’m as sure as I can be of anything, that I shall come back.”
“Yes! Well! Twentieth of July.”
Yet he really wanted her to go. That was so curious. He wanted her to go, positively, to have her little adventures and perhaps become pregnant, and all that. At the same time, he was afraid of her going.
She was quivering, watching her real opportunity for leaving him altogether, waiting till the time, herself, himself, should be ripe.
She sat and talked to the keeper of her going abroad.
“And then when I come back,” she said, “I can tell Clifford I must leave him. And you and I can go away. They never need even know it is you. We can go to another country. Shall we? To Africa or Australia. Shall we?”
She was quite thrilled by her plan.
“You’ve never been to the Colonies, have you?” he asked her.
“No! Have you?”
“I’ve been in India, and South Africa, and Egypt.”
“Why shouldn’t we go to South Africa?”
“We might!” he said slowly.
“Or don’t you want to?” she asked.
“I don’t care. I don’t much care what I do.”
“Doesn’t it make you happy? Why not? We shan’t be poor. I have about six hundred a year. I wrote and asked. It’s not much, but it’s enough, isn’t it?”
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