by Megan Walker
Now I sound homophobic. “Not because they’re men,” I say. “But because I don’t feel the need to share my sex life with other guys, and I don’t feel the need to hear about either of yours.”
Ben smirks. I know he thinks this is funny, and that he and Josh sit around and talk about sex with some regularity. But to me it just smacks of locker room talk. I’m not going to sit around with the two of them and be like, “Dudes, I got some last night. Score!”
Especially not when it comes to what happens between me and Gabby.
“Who do you talk to about your sex life, then?” Josh asks me.
Oh my god. There is literally never a reason to ask that question to anyone.
“The women I’m sleeping with,” I say. Though, honestly, most of those conversations are about as comfortable as the one I had with Gabby, so maybe I just don’t like to talk about it at all. I don’t think Gabby does either, so that works for us.
And it’s none of Josh’s damn business.
“Women,” Josh says, his eyes narrowing the slightest bit, even though his tone is still light. “Plural, huh?”
Damn it. I thought that might be where this was going. Gabby talked to Anna-Marie about how she feels like I’m not into our sex life anymore. And of course Anna-Marie decided I’m cheating on Gabby, and now she’s sent Josh here to find out if it’s true.
Gabby and I have enough problems without Anna-Marie filling Gabby’s head with that.
“No,” I say. “I have slept with more than one woman in my life. But I meant with the one woman I am sleeping with at the time.”
“Okay, okay,” Josh says, like he wasn’t just implying that I’m cheating on Gabby. Like that isn’t a totally uncalled-for accusation.
Like he thinks that because I had feelings for Gabby—and encouraged those feelings more than I should have—when I was still engaged to Sarah, that means that I’m not capable of being faithful.
I feel bad enough about all that as it is. I don’t need to be reminded.
“Sorry,” Josh says, and he sounds like he actually is, but he also makes a living telling people what they want to hear. “I just heard you guys were having problems and wondered if you wanted to talk about it.”
“I don’t,” I say. I barely know how to talk about it with Gabby, so I’m certainly not discussing it with Josh. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Ben looks over at me, and as if I didn’t just say I didn’t want to talk about it, says, “Are you and Gabby having problems?”
I ignore him. I like Ben. He’s a good friend. But if I tell him Gabby is pregnant, he’s likely to congratulate me and then ask why I don’t seem excited about it. Then he’d probably tell me what he would say if Wyatt somehow thought he was pregnant, which is a whole other conversation I’m really not ready to have right now. I can’t keep it from him forever, obviously, but one of the good things about Ben is he rarely pries unless he sees an obvious reason to. Once you give him that obvious reason, though . . .
Josh is giving him about thirty obvious reasons, and to say I don’t appreciate it is an understatement.
“Let me guess,” I say. “You heard that from Anna-Marie.”
Josh cocks an eyebrow at me. “Yeah,” he says. “Of course I did.”
“Great,” I mutter, and Josh turns to face me. I desperately want out of this conversation, but I don’t think Josh is going to let me out of it anytime soon, and if I get up and storm out I’ll only convince them that I have something to hide besides, you know, my private business.
“Is it a problem that she told me?” Josh asks. “She’s just worried about you guys.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I bet she is.” I’m still speaking in my defensive voice, but I’m not professionally versed in manipulating people, so Josh has a leg up on me in that arena.
He blinks at me, like I’m the one being unreasonable. “Do you have a problem with Anna-Marie?”
At this moment, I have several. None of which I want to address with Josh. “I don’t appreciate her stirring up drama.”
Josh sits up. His voice takes on a cold edge. “How exactly is she doing that?”
I sink lower into the cushions of the couch. “Well, for starters, she took Gabby to a sex shop and now Gabby somehow magically thinks our sex life has problems.”
Josh looks skeptical, his dark eyes hard. “I don’t think that had anything to do with Anna-Marie.”
I can already tell where this is going. Everyone knows he gets defensive of his wife at the drop of a hat—he dumped Chad Montgomery as a client because he grabbed Anna-Marie’s ass at a party—and I really don’t want to be on the receiving end of his wrath. I should probably just get up and leave, but he’s the one who interrupted our perfectly fine Office marathon with all these personal questions.
Besides, I’m sick of having to deal with the shadow of perfect Anna-Marie and her perfect marriage looming over my relationship. “Gabby always seems to feel a lot worse about herself after she hangs out with Anna-Marie, that’s all I’m saying.”
Josh snorts. “I don’t think Gabby needs any help feeling bad about herself.”
It’s my turn to sit up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Ben is looking back and forth between me and Josh like he wants to pop some popcorn. He’s clearly not coming to my aid, even though Josh is the one out of line.
“It means Gabby has low self-esteem,” Josh says slowly. “It’s not an insult. It’s a fact.”
“Yeah, well,” I say. “I don’t think Anna-Marie helps that any.”
“Is she supposed to?” Josh asks.
“Maybe,” I say, even though I know now I’m being petulant. “Maybe you should both just mind your own damn business.”
Josh holds up his hands, like he’s the picture of innocence. “We were just concerned about you guys. But fine. Whatever. Sorry I asked.”
I should let it drop, but I’m pissed at Josh for ambushing me with this, and I’m pissed at Ben for letting him, and I’m pissed at Anna-Marie for spreading our business around in the first place. “You didn’t, actually,” I say. “And if there’s something you want to ask, maybe you should just come out and say it.”
“Okay,” Josh says. “Are you cheating on Gabby?”
“No!” I yell. I’ve completely lost track of The Office episode at this point, and I think Ben and Josh have, too. “But of course Anna-Marie would think that.”
“Excuse me?” Josh says.
My stomach ties itself in a knot. That must be what Gabby thinks. I figured Anna-Marie had convinced Gabby we had problems in our sex life, just like being around Anna-Marie always seems to make Gabby feel worse about her body. And it didn’t surprise me that Anna-Marie would have run to Josh with suspicions that I’m cheating on Gabby—but has she been telling Gabby that’s what’s going on?
Suddenly that conversation we had the other night takes on a darker tone. That’s why Gabby is so obsessed with enhancing our sex life. That’s why she’s feeling bad about herself. She thinks I’m off cheating on her while she’s working so hard to support me and my stupid dreams.
I hate myself, and how my previous behavior might lead her to believe I’m capable of that, but at this moment, I hate Anna-Marie more.
“It means,” I say, “that Anna-Marie has always been psycho about that stuff.”
Josh’s face hardens and his fists tighten, and Ben actually goes, “Ooooooooh,” like this is some kind of schoolyard fight about to happen. The truth is, Josh works out and I don’t and he could probably kick my ass any day.
“I mean she has issues around cheating,” I clarify. “It’s not an insult. It’s a fact.”
Josh stares at me for a second, like he’s trying to decide if he’s going to hit me. “Anna-Marie didn’t cause Gabby to have whatever issues you guys have,” he says in a low voice. “Ga
bby was the one who came to Anna-Marie and asked for her help.”
My body goes cold. Is that true? If Gabby had a problem, why would she go to Anna-Marie before talking to me?
Not that a lot of the conversations we have had lately have gone particularly well. “Of course that’s what Anna-Marie would tell you,” I say.
“I know a lot of other things she told me,” Josh says.
God. What else does he know? And why don’t I know about it?
Josh looks meaningfully at Ben, and that’s when I realize what he means. He’s talking about the pregnancy. Which Anna-Marie has told Josh not to tell anyone about.
“What is it?” Ben asks. “What’s the big secret?”
Oh, god. Now that Ben knows there is one, he’s not going to let it go.
“Maybe you and Anna-Marie should both mind your own business,” I say to Josh.
He stares at me, and his lips twitch. His body hasn’t relaxed, and I think maybe he still wants to punch me for the things I said about Anna-Marie, which I guess were out of line, but I’m not going to be the first one to apologize in this situation. Not to Josh, who came here just to—what? Make me feel worse about everything?
Josh arches an eyebrow at me and then smiles like he’s decided something. “Gabby’s pregnant,” he says to Ben. And then he gets up and strides out, his damage here done.
When the door closes behind him, I groan. I definitely could have handled that situation better. Better yet, Josh shouldn’t have caused there to be a situation to begin with.
“Wow,” Ben says. “What the hell was that?”
“I thought he was going to hit me.”
“I thought he was going to hit you, too!” Ben says. “You really shouldn’t have called his wife a psycho.”
“Yeah, probably not,” I say. “But I don’t think Gabby’s friendship with Anna-Marie is always healthy. She thinks Anna-Marie is perfect, and it makes her get down on herself. And you really think that cheating thing didn’t come from Anna-Marie?”
Ben shrugs. “It probably did. But Anna-Marie’s not really the type to make something out of nothing.”
I glare at him, and he holds up his hands like Josh did. “I mean, she’ll definitely make something that’s already there bigger,” he says. “But she usually starts with something to work with.”
“Comforting. Thanks.”
“But dude,” Ben says. “Gabby is pregnant?”
“Yes,” I say. “And yeah, okay, we’ve been having some problems. And I haven’t been the best boyfriend in the world lately. I’m not cheating on her, but I haven’t been great.”
“How so?” Ben asks.
And while I swore at the beginning of this conversation that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, I find now that I do. “Because I’m a whiny, miserable writer, and that can’t be great to live with.”
“Yeah, okay,” Ben says. “I could see that. Everyone goes through rough times, though.”
I want to ask what rough times he and Wyatt have been through, but I don’t want to hear that it’s just a platitude, and they haven’t actually been through any that don’t revolve around the cleanliness of the den. “Sorry for fighting with Josh at your house,” I say.
“Eh,” Ben says. “He clearly started it.”
“Is he going to kill me in my sleep?”
“No,” Ben says. “He’s actually not a super violent guy.”
“Except when he’s about to punch me.”
Ben laughs. “Yeah, well, you insulted his wife and he didn’t punch you, so. . .”
I probably shouldn’t hang out with Josh anymore, but I don’t think Josh is going to be in a big hurry to hang out with me, so that shouldn’t be too much of a lifestyle change.
“About the baby, though,” Ben says. “Congratulations? You don’t seem very happy about it.”
I want to snipe back that maybe this is my happy voice, but Ben seems sincere this time. It’s more awareness of the situation than I honestly expected from Ben. “Thanks,” I say. “And no, we’re both more stressed and worried than anything.”
“I get that,” Ben says.
And, miraculously, I think maybe he actually does.
Fifteen
Will
I know I need to talk to Gabby about my fight with Josh. She’s likely to hear about it soon anyway, and I’d rather she heard my side first. The next day, Gabby has a rare afternoon off from work, and we’re both staring at our dripping faucet, as if doing so will somehow grant us the miraculous ability to fix the thing.
What I really need to be fixing is the mess I’ve made out of our relationship. But I’ve never been the best at bringing up problems, something that was proven by the way I let my relationship with Sarah fester and rot.
Which is the opposite of what I want to do with Gabby. I’m about to let that terrible thought finally motivate me to open my mouth when there’s a knock on the door.
Gabby looks at me. She has her hair pulled up in a bun that’s cascading out at the edges of the band, and she’s not wearing any makeup, which I don’t think she needs, but she cringes all the same. “You get it,” she says. “If one more salesman asks if my husband is home, he’s going to end up with his low-interest-payment-plan shoved where the sun doesn’t shine.”
I nod and go to get the door. I’m much better at closing the door in the face of people peddling chocolate bars and renters’ insurance and religions we don’t need. Gabby has a tendency to listen to their entire presentation before telling them she’s not interested, though at least she has the sense not to let strange people into the apartment. Most of the time.
I open the door, ready to close it again almost immediately.
But there on the doorstep stands my brother, Sean, who is a couple inches taller than me and much more built and broad-shouldered, and right behind him, holding a very large container and looking more than a little uncomfortable, is his girlfriend, Audra. She’s cut her dark hair short since I last saw her, but she’s wearing the same pound of makeup she always is, and a pair of denim shorts and a halter top that look more fit for beach wear than for showing up on my doorstep.
Much as I might want to, though, I can’t just close the door on them.
“Sean!” I say. “What’s going—”
“You’re ignoring me,” Sean says. “I kept trying to get you to do dinner with us, and you kept dodging my calls, so we brought dinner to you.” He motions to the end of the hall, where he’s set a mini grill up between the stairs and the rail that separates our walkway from the outside. From the look of the steam, he’s already grilling something on it. He probably started the thing up so I wouldn’t be able to easily tell him this isn’t a good time.
I’m not sure there’s ever going to be a good time.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Sean!” Gabby says from behind me, in her too-excited voice she reserves for things she really doesn’t want but feels the need to pretend that she does. “It’s so good to see you!”
I turn around and give her a look that says, is it? to which she returns a look that says it better be. I sigh and hold the door open wider. “Come on in,” I say. I show them into the kitchen where the faucet is still drip drip dripping, and Audra sets her container on the table and removes the lid. Inside is a single hot dog.
“This is the representative hot dog,” she says.
Gabby hesitates. “What does it represent?”
“The other hot dogs that are cooking on the mini grill outside and didn’t fall out of the package.”
“Ah,” I say. “Well, thanks.”
I’m not sure what I’m thanking them for. Feeding us, I guess, as if we’re literally starving and incapable of feeding ourselves. We all look at each other awkwardly, and I’d rather be starving right now than having my home invaded by my brother and
his girlfriend.
“So, Will,” Audra says. “How are things with your writing?”
I try not to cringe. Sean is a contractor and he owns his own construction company. He didn’t think much of my career path back when I was a bookstore manager, and his approval has only soured as I’ve progressed to soap opera writer and novelist.
“It’s . . . about the same,” I say.
“Can I buy your book yet?” Sean asks.
Now I do wince. “No. I said it was the same. Could you buy it before?”
“And what about you, Gabby?” Audra asks, clearly trying to steer us away from that obvious land mine. “How’s nursing?”
“Good,” Gabby says. “Today is my day off from my new gig at the Renaissance faire. I’m basically a first aid person in a corset.”
“That sounds like fun,” Audra says. “Doesn’t it, Sean?”
“Sure,” Sean says, but he sounds more like he has no idea what planet Gabby and I are from, which about sums up how I feel about him. Things were bad before I set him up with Gabby in a desperate attempt to get over her when I was engaged to Sarah. If I’d known he was going to lie to me about being single and cheat on Audra with Gabby just to show me up, I definitely would have made different life choices.
At least, I hope I would have. It wasn’t like the other ones I was making at the time were so stellar.
“And what about you, Audra?” Gabby asks. “How’s . . . work?”
Audra smiles. “You have no idea what I do, do you?” she asks.
“Um, no,” Gabby says. “Sorry.”
Audra doesn’t look offended, which is odd for her. Usually she’s ready to jump all over Sean for not talking about her enough to his family.
Then again, she’s probably aware that Sean and I aren’t exactly talking. And probably also aware that her digs about Gabby to my parents have contributed to that—though I’m not ready to give her the credit of thinking she feels bad about that.
“I’m an optometrist’s assistant,” Audra says.
“Oh, cool!” Gabby says, as if Audra has just announced that she’s an astronaut. “So we’re both in the healthcare field.”
