The worst part?
He wants to help me.
* * *
My real question is, why does he want to help me with this list so badly anyway?
What’s in it for him?
That’s the question I can’t answer and am too scared to ask.
Chapter 1
Cora
That poor girl. I can’t believe she was left at the alter!
I don’t know how she’s going to recover from the embarrassment!
She just couldn’t lock him down. No wonder. He was waayyy to good for her.
Theses are the things that run through my head every time I look at myself in the mirror— all the things that people are saying behind my back or when they think I’m not paying attention. Of course they all also wondering, what’s wrong with her? What is wrong with me? Why is it that all of my friends are happily married with kids or with kids on the way, and I can’t even manage to hold onto one guy?! What is so wrong with me? I mean, I guess I am a little too thin. I would like to have a curvier body. A body like an hour glass if you will. The only curves I have are from my B cup breasts and trust me, they are always overlooked because they’re a B cup! My ass is too flat, my hips practically nonexistent. I’m also too short. I’m a twenty-four year old woman who’s built like a fourteen year old girl. Harley says I’m adorable and pixie like, but I think most men look at me and see a girl instead of a woman.
I lean into the mirror and inspect further. My eyes are blue, but they’re not a striking blue or dazzling in any way like they once were. Lately they’ve been puffy and glassy with the amount of crying I’ve done. In fact, my eye shape isn’t right for my face at all according to several beauty magazines I’ve read. My big round eyes and cherub cheeks just lend to the adolescent look I’ve been trying to change. I always wished I was that girl with gorgeous almond eyes and an angular jaw a la Angelina Jolie. Look, I’m not ugly, but I’d be lying if I didn’t wish I looked a little more interesting instead of the pale, short girl next door with a blonde bob and petite features.
A puff of air leaves my lips as I turn away from the mirror and bend over the tub to turn off the water. The tub is full of bubbles but I add in a few essential oils. I already have a dozen candles lit scattered around the tub and the vanity counter. The tray that rests across the tub is complete with a glass of wine—the bottle on the floor well within reach—and a box of chocolates. It’s been a few weeks since my failed marriage attempt and you can say that I’m still wallowing. This is my weak attempt at putting myself back together but in reality, I’m just licking my wounds.
I remove my robe and drop it onto the floor as I climb into the tub. It’s an old school, clawfoot tub and it’s completely full so the water covers my entire body. I pick up my phone and start up some music that plays softly in the background to help me relax. Then I pop a chocolate into my mouth and wash it down with a sip of wine. I lean my head back and close my eyes, letting the hot water relax my tired body. I breathe the scent of the aromatherapy candles and the oils. Slowly, I begin to feel myself start to relax.
Behind my lids a vision of Jimmy appears and I feel the ping of pain he’s left in my heart. His blond hair that was always neatly combed. His green eyes and sharp jaw. His plump, soft lips. I remember the way those lips felt when they’d kiss down my neck. My heart feels like it cracks completely open and breaks. Tears build in my eyes. It doesn’t take long before they overflow and run down my cheeks. This is it, I tell myself. This is the last time I cry over stupid Jimmy Reynolds. This is my last night of moping. Tomorrow, I will get up and look at life in a whole new way. I need to get myself over this hurdle and find the man I’m really supposed to be with.
All I’ve ever really wanted in life is to be married to a man who loves me deeply, a man who wants to be with me and will do anything it takes to keep me. I want the big yard, the picket fence, and a couple of kids running down the hall. I want to tuck my kids into bed each night with a kiss to the forehead only to run back to the living room to cuddle up with my husband on the couch in front of a cozy fire. Is that really too much to ask? I don’t want a mansion or a million dollars. I don’t want some fancy car or dream job. I just want a family of my own.
I have to admit, as happy as I am for Harley, I am a little jealous. She’s found someone great who loves her for who she is. And now she’s pregnant and has everything I want. Giving up my honeymoon wasn’t anything to me though. I didn’t pay for it and it’s the least Jimmy can do…in my eyes anyway. There’s no way I would’ve been able to take that trip alone. I would’ve done nothing but cry the whole time and I’ve done plenty of that from the comfort of my own apartment.
I’m happy that Harley got the trip. And I’m happy that she’s with Foster and they will soon have a child of their own. But how in the hell did my life end up this way? I did everything for Jimmy that a good fiancé does. I waited on him hand and foot. I thought I was being supportive and loving, listening to his problems and trying to offer any advice I could. I bent over backward, making sure to take care of his place and mine. I even budgeted his accounts for him. I did his laundry and made his lunch every day. Most of the time, I cooked him dinner too. I was so sure I was convincing him of how awesome of a wife I’d be. I had no idea what I was really doing was changing myself to fit him. I was completely neglecting my own needs and desires to try and keep him happy. From now on, I won’t do that anymore. From now on, if a man wants me, he’s going to have to realize that it’s a partnership, it’s give and take. I’m not going to be that girl anymore who completely forgets who she is for someone else.
I think back over the course of my dating history and in every single relationship, I was always the one doing the changing. If my boyfriend liked football, I was an avid football fan. If he hated a TV show, I hated that same show and stopped watching it, even if it was something I loved before. I changed the type of music I listened to. I’ve changed my diet and my exercising routine. Hell, I even cut my hair because Jimmy didn’t like long hair. He said it was always getting tangled around him.
I decide to push all thoughts away. All I’m doing is depressing myself and now that I’m good and relaxed, I’m sure it wouldn’t take anything to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
I sit up and crawl out of the tub. I dry off and replace my robe. Then I turn on the ceiling light and drain the tub before blowing out the candles. I exit the bathroom and fall into bed. I don’t even think I pull the covers up my body. My eyes close and I’m out to the world.
My alarm goes off the next morning and for a moment, I’m annoyed that I woke up again today just to deal with the emotions I’ve been dealing with all week. But then I remember the promise I made to myself last night and I force myself to pep up. I get up and go to start a pot of coffee, before slipping into the shower while it brews. I feel my chest tighten again as I think about the memories I had in this same shower with Jimmy. Before the tears can fall though I shake the thoughts away and turn the water to cold to make my ass hurry up. Before long I’m shivering and it’s all I can think about. Hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to make it through the shittier moment of heartbreak.
I hold a mug of piping hot coffee close as I flip through my closet trying to decide what to wear. It’s time I start putting more effort back into my appearance. Truthfully, even before my breakup I had started to slip into a bit of a lazy morning routine if you can even call it that. I would brush my hair and put on whatever wasn’t wrinkled and call it a day. I just lost interest in trying to look good but now, I have some motivation...I want to look good to make myself feel better. I find a nice pair of high waisted black slacks that always make me feel tall and put together and pair it with a light pink blouse with lace sleeves. I find my favorite pair of nude heels and toss them on the floor next to my bed.
I take my time blowing out my hair and adding a few waves with my curling iron. I put on a full face of makeup today, something I used to enjoy doing but hav
e not wanted to bother with lately since I’d just cry it off.
With my appearance better than it has been the last few weeks, I shut off the light and head back to the kitchen. I open the fridge and root around, opening a yogurt and sniffing it before gagging and tossing it on the counter. I find a stale bagel that’s about as hard as a rock and tap it against the refrigerator shelf. “Ugh,” I shut the door and lean against it, sipping the rest of my coffee before glancing at the microwave clock. I still have plenty of time to kill before I have to be at the office and I don’t want to be the first person there for the fifth time this week. It’ll make me look too desperate, like I’m focusing too much on work as a way to forget my heartbreak. But I refuse to be heartbroken any longer. A guy like Jimmy doesn’t deserve it or me. Good reddens.
I pull up to Mayhale Medical Manufacturing at seven-fifty A.M. and I park in my assigned parking. As far as parking spots go, I’m not important enough to park up front, but I’m not in the back forty either. I’m lucky enough to get a spot in the sixth row thanks to my accounting position. I grab my purse and start making the journey to the door. My job was another thing that Jimmy didn’t like. He said accounting is a boring job for boring people who didn’t have one interesting thing about them. His exact words were, “Being an accountant is the equivalent of watching paint dry. It’s like if the color beige was a human.” He tried talking me into quitting many times over the two years we were together. I’ve never been so glad that I kept my job and went against his wishes. Where would I be now? Alone and jobless? I can’t even bare the thought of that.
When I get into the building, I say good morning to many of my coworkers. Trying my best to plaster on a genuine smile, knowing that they’re still pitying me. I want them to see that I am fine. Better than ever in fact.
I stop in my office and put my things down. I turn on my phone and computer and go in search for a cup of coffee. I walk into the break room and the room is empty. There’s a big table in the center that has a pink box. I lift the lid and the scent of fried dough and sugar hits my nose, causing my stomach to audibly grumble. “Yes donuts!” I see the discarded note next to the box that says Enjoy!
The coffee hasn’t been brewed yet so I make quick work of making a pot. I’m a not really fully functioning till I’ve had at least two cups kind of gal. The office rule around here is if you finish the pot, you have to make a new one. And the first person who wants coffee has to make it. I pour some creamer and sage in my mug as I wait for it to brew, then decide on a donut. I grab a paper towel and pick the plain glazed donut off the top. I replace the lid just as the door to the break room opens. I look up to find Grayson walking in with a smirk.
“Cool, you brought donuts for everyone?”
I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t me. They were here when I came in. But it says enjoy so…” I shrug one shoulder as I take a bite of the donut.
He laughs and grabs one out of the box too. I watch as he takes his first bite. The sweet donut causes him to let out a small moan and his eyes flutter closed. His Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows it. His eyes pop open and land on mine as his tongue darts out and licks the flakes glaze off his lips. “Good donut.”
I feel blush creep up my neck as I stare at him. “They really are,” I agree, turning my back to him to force the heat from my face as I pour my coffee.
He comes over to lean against the counter. He crosses his big arms across his chest and looks down at me. I look up and find his intense blue eyes. “So, how are you doing, Cora?”
Ugh, the dreaded question, complete with the sympathetic head told. Everyone is overly concerned lately with how I’m handling life now that I’ve been dumped at the alter. “I’m fine, Grayson. Thanks for checking,” I say, wanting to remain indifferent instead of saying something that may tell him otherwise.
Grayson and I have been friends since I first started working here. He’s in sales and the only time we really see one another is in the break room or at work functions, but I’ve always had a slight crush on him, like every other woman who works here. Luckily we’re not together often or I probably would have blurted it out hoping a hot romp with him might get my mind off of things. But from what I can tell, he wouldn’t have taken me up on a offer like that anyway. He’s tall, muscular, sexy as hell, and practically every girl in the office wants her shot with him. But at the same time, he seems to be more thoughtful than most. He’s respectful, quiet, reserved. He never takes any of the women here up on their offers, and he’s just an overall good guy. There’s no way in hell I’m going to fuck things up with him.
“I’m glad to hear it. That guy was a total dick anyway,” he says, offering up a slight smile.
I laugh and nod. “He really was. But I’m done with men like that. It’s time I focus on myself.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” he says, nodding his head.
“I’ll talk to you later, Grayson.” I take my coffee and donut and head toward the door. I pull it open and as I’m turning around to shut it, our eyes meet again. He’s still standing in the same spot, arms crossed and eyes on me. His gives me a little wink that causes my heart to flutter. What the hell was that?
I quickly walk away from the break room and take my breakfast back to my office to get ready for the long work day of crunching numbers. When I’m finally in my office, I close my door behind me and take a seat at my desk. Last week I couldn’t focus on my work. All I kept thinking about was Jimmy, what he was doing, and what everyone was probably thinking about me. This week though, is going to be completely different. I plan on doing this weeks work and whatever I missed last week. I won’t stop until I have it all done and am putting it on my bosses desk with a smile.
Crunch time.
When lunch rolls around, I push away from my desk and crack my neck. I’ve been working non-stop since this morning and in dire need of a break. I remove my glasses and drop them on top of the stack of papers I’m working on, letting out a sigh before grabbing my journal and a pen then I head back for the break room.
The break room is usually pretty quiet with most people opting to leave for lunch. But I don’t like to leave unless it’s time to go home. Leaving for lunch is nice and all, but it’s that much harder to get into the swing of things when I get back. In the break room, I can quickly eat, enjoy some quiet time, and get back to work when I finish so there is no lag in my brain that says, I don’t want to work anymore today.
The room is empty when I arrive so I drop my things onto the table in the center of the room and open the freezer to see if any of the food I brought in is still here. I find a frozen meal, chicken Alfredo and I make quick work of warming it up in the microwave. I buy a soda from a vending machine and take everything back to the table to eat and get to work on my list.
After my realization last night that in every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve changed myself, I decided I’d make a list of things that I wanted to do to be right with myself before another relationship comes along.
Things that will make me a better person, a more experienced person. Getting right with myself will only make me that much better in a relationship, and after doing all this work on myself, I won’t want to bend to someone else’s will in order to fit into their life. Things like, volunteer at a soup kitchen, help make the world a better place, and donate my time at an animals shelter. I want to play golf, I’ve never played golf. Go camping. Catch a fish. But I also put in a few relationship goals as well. Things like kiss in the rain, dance under the moonlight, have an orgasm…
Okay, let me explain. I’ve been in a few relationships and I’ve been a ton of dates over the years before Jimmy. Some of those guys, I’ve had sex with but the one thing they all have in common...none of them have ever gotten me off. I’ve been close…I think. But nobody has ever been able to push me over the edge and it’s irritating. I want to know what everyone is talking about. I want to feel the heat in my veins. I want to feel the explosion in my own body. I want t
o know what it’s like to give yourself over completely like that to another person.
I’m so caught up in my list that now has twenty items that I haven’t touched my food. My hand is flying across the page, writing one thing after the next. I never even realized how much stuff I haven’t done, not until I started writing them all down. I’m so captivated in my own thoughts and my list, that I don’t even hear the door to the break room open. I don’t notice anyone has come in until I hear that deep, friendly voice.
“Whatcha doing?” Grayson asks, tossing something into the microwave, startling me. He slams the door shut and then taps on the buttons until it lights up and the tray starts spinning.
“Oh, nothing,” I say, holding back a surprised yelp. I drop the pen in my hand and place my arm over the paper to hide everything I’ve written. I look up at him and force a smile onto my face. “How’s your day going?”
He smiles and shrugs. “It’s alright, I guess. It’s a Monday, that’s for sure.” The microwave beeps and he takes his microwavable burger out and brings it to the table to sit next to me.
With him so close, I no longer feel comfortable working on my list so I close the notebook and pull my meal closer as I begin to eat.
“Whatcha working on?” he asks as he unwraps his burger.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just a silly little list I’m making for myself.”
“What kind of list? A shopping list?”
I giggle, feeling embarrassed just talking about it. “No, not exactly. It’s just a list of things I want to do now that I’m single. I’m trying to make myself happy instead of leaving it up to someone else to do for me.”
His blue eyes meet mine and they’re shimmering. “I like that idea.”
“Yeah?”
He nods. “What are some things you want to do?”
I stab at a noodle and take a bite. “You know, just stuff.” I refuse to look at him now in fear that he will somehow be able to drag the truth out of me.
My Accidental Forever (Love You Forever Book 5) Page 20
