by Kate Thomas
He hoped Marletta had that nursery equipped. Maybe when the baby had his own room, he and Dani could get back to normal. That little scene this afternoon in the parking lot sure as hell hadn’t been—
Once again he saw Dani’s green eyes clouded with wariness as she leaped to erroneous—hell, downright insulting—conclusions.
He wanted to erase the shadows from those forest green eyes. Preferably with another kiss. One that exploded with passion enough to burn away her doubts and fears....
Folding his arms tightly across his chest, Josh tucked his hands deep into his armpits. That’s why he was still here. In his own room, aching, rigid with longing, while Michael fussed and Dani stirred.
He hated missing even a minute with the baby, but tonight he’d let these broken mattress springs impale him in three—no, four—places. Because the idea of deepening his relationship with Dani Caldwell scared the writ out of him.
Josh closed his eyes, tipped his head back against the headboard. Face it He didn’t know diddly about women like Dani.
He worked with female attorneys, of course, but they were professional colleagues and that’s how he treated them.
The only woman he ever really talked to was his secretary, Marletta. And she mostly nagged.
The select few he’d taken to bed, well... They weren’t anything like Dani Caldwell. More worldly, more sophisticated—okay, jaded maybe—but they understood the rules. And talking was never a big part of the... interaction.
A vision of Dani formed in the darkness behind Josh’s eyelids. Dani with him. Beneath him. Long legs tangled in silk sheets, her full breasts thrusting upward, begging for his mouth....
Josh groaned. His body clamored for her every waking second. Had from the minute he’d looked up through the starred windshield and seen a green-eyed angel.
But if he tried for something more than they’d agreed to, and failed at it, he risked losing his baby.
Josh groaned again.
That was the real flaw with secondhand fatherhood, with temporary parenting. Michael was somebody else’s baby. Dani could leave, take him away anytime she wanted. She could be packing right this minute, folding the little shirts they’d bought yesterday—the ones with the tiny teddy bears all over and those itsy-bitsy snaps he could hardly fasten with his big hands....
No! Josh leaped off the bed, heading for the connecting door. Damned if he’d let her—He tripped over a boot. Staggered. Stomped his instep on the sole of the other boot, which for some reason was lying on its side in the middle of the floor next to his stupid jeans. They twined themselves around his ankles and he fell backward, smashing his funny bone into the nightstand before collapsing onto the mattress.
“Oow, sh—” Quickly, he muzzled the curse. Rubbed his damned elbow. Closed his eyes against the neon-tinged darkness. And made a decision. He was going to get past Carrie’s betrayal and see if that made personal, permanent fatherhood possible.
Josh smirked into the motel silence. He knew how to go about moving on, too.
Find someone... Done.
Help them...
Whatever concessions he ended up agreeing to, Dani had to let him keep Michael for the full six weeks. That was nonnegotiable.
And maybe he’d see if he could remove some of the shadows from her eyes.
“Josh?” Her soft whisper reached him the same time her scent—that erotic mix of flowers, womanly sweetness and baby spit-up—did. “Are you okay?”
Hell, no. Actually, he realized, he was strenuously aroused. The pajama bottoms he’d bought to be presentable for Michael’s feedings didn’t hide the fact. They couldn’t. Steel plating couldn’t.
Josh scrambled for the covers, yanking them into a wad over his lap just as Dani clicked on the bedside lamp. She wore a thin cotton nightgown with the top three or four buttons undone. He pulled more covers over his growing... er, lap.
Then Dani leaned over him. At the right angle.
With the wrong expression. Her eyes were dark with concern, not glazed with passion. Still, her hair hung loose, a river of frothing maple-colored silk, streaming over her shoulders and down, down, down, almost touching his—
Josh groaned again with the effort required to keep his hands from reaching for her. Pulling her down on the bed. Cupping her breasts, taking their weight in his palms. Then rolling her under him. Taking her mouth in another glorious mating kiss while the universe exploded around them....
“Are you sick? In pain? Dizzy?” Genuine concern edged the questions.
Thank God. She did feel something besides wariness for him. Tension uncoiled deep inside and he smiled up at her through a haze of intense desire. Ah, Dani, his mind whispered. Please. Touch me.
Her hand floated toward him...hovered...then came down flat against his forehead. “Hmm. You don’t feel hot,” she announced after a second or two.
He almost choked. Not hot? He was on fire! If she moved that soft, little hand a few feet southward, she’d discover just how—Josh gritted his teeth as he fought for control—stupid he was.
He’d vowed six years ago never to be at the mercy of a woman again. Second chance or not, he wasn’t ready to break that vow. Not yet. Not even with Dani Caldwell.
Even though she tempted him to the very edge of his limits.
Well, he’d just look for a way to spend time alone with Michael. And he’d control his desire for Michael’s mother. No sweat. No problem. He’d prove it right now.
“I’m fine,” he muttered, turning his head away. Instead of taking the hint, the fool woman slid her cool fingers down and around the side of his neck until the palm of her hand pressed against the base of his skull.
And he knew he was just kidding himself.
If, with the slightest pressure, she urged him upward to take her kiss, he’d do it. In a heartbeat. With pleasure aforethought and no holds barred. Ravage her mouth willingly and then do anything she wanted. Tell her anything she wanted. Give her anything she wanted.
Except my heart or my trust Josh reminded himself fiercely. He couldn’t give her that. Carrie’s betrayal had taught him a lesson he couldn’t unlearn overnight—even if he wanted to.
“No,” she said as she moved away from the bed. “No fever. Is your vision blurred?”
Josh shook his head.
Dammit, he didn’t want to keep wanting her like this. But he did.
“I hit my funny bone on the—” He pried one hand loose from his shield of motel bed linen and waved at the shelf beside the bed.
“Oh.” That soft Texas drawl of hers stroked over him like hot satin. She turned to leave. “I won’t disturb you any longer.”
Ha. As long as he had eyes and she was this side of the horizon, she was going to disturb him.
Still, he meant to let her go, but some part of him started harping on that near-death, second-chance stuff again, because she didn’t retreat more than one step before he said, “No, wait, Dani. About this afternoon. I want to...apologize. For...”
For what? That was the crux of it. For refusing to forgive what Carrie did? For refusing to forget it?
No, no, never. “Ah-h-h...”
As she watched Josh struggle to smooth over the situation without compromising his beliefs, Dani knew she had to let him off the hook. After the years of Jimmy’s escalating lies and broken promises, she respected, even admired Josh’s integrity—whether she agreed with him or not.
“I’m the one who should apologize,” she said truthfully, toying with a strand of hair. Bitter experience had taught her that well-meaning efforts to change minds didn’t change hearts—and without that... “Your life is none of my business.”
“Well, I didn’t have to bite your head off.” Rueful regret turned his eyes the color of summer dusk. “Dani, please.” His deep voice pulled at her. “Don’t ever be afraid of me.”
Against her will and every bit of sense she possessed, Dani’s gaze slid down the strong, satiny column of the neck she’d touched just a moment ag
o to feast on Josh’s magnificently male, gloriously muscled bare chest and the crinkly dark hair that swirled over and down... Heat coiled through her. Again.
The way it did every time she saw it. Or those incredible turquoise eyes. Or that deliciously dangerous dark stubble when he needed a shave. Or—
Okay. Her reaction to Josh Walker proved that motherhood hadn’t completely replaced her womanly feelings. Get over it.
Dani sighed. She was too busy to indulge her femininity. Parenting a helpless infant wasn’t quite as simple as she’d thought it would be.
Well, it was simple—feed, change, soothe to sleep.
But people said this was the easy part and, so far, the Queen of Coping felt completely overwhelmed. How was she going to handle the next eighteen years?
Love is all I have.
Unfortunately, child-rearing took money, too.
“You’re safe with me, Dani.” Josh’s deep voice brought her back to the present.
Dani beamed at him gratefully. Right...first things first. Get Michael out of diapers before worrying about paying for Harvard.
Josh leaned forward, clenching the bedclothes with white-knuckled fists. “No matter what our differences, a Walker always keeps his promises, Dani. Trust me.”
Heaven help her, she wanted to. Wanted to climb into bed next to him, too. Rest her head on his shoulder, press her lips against his smooth skin. Be taken to paradise with another of his—Practiced kisses. Out of your league, sweetie, she reminded herself. “Well, I’m sure obliged to you for...everything.”
That’s why, when she’d sensed the sorrow and guilt underneath his bitterness, she’d tried to help him release it. A man as patient and gentle as Josh should share children of his own with some lucky woman...but he’d made it clear he wasn’t ready to face his own part in the tragedy that still held him prisoner.
So be it.
“Uh, Dani, about the other—”
“No.” She held up her hand. “Don’t”
“Don’t?” Through the semidarkness, Josh’s deep voice caressed her again and another tidal wave of longing swept over her. “Don’t what, Dani?”
“Apologize for anything, especially your beliefs,” she said, summoning a lopsided smile. “Let’s just consider the subject closed.”
He swung his feet out from under the covers and sat up. Rested his elbows on his hard, muscular thighs and thrust his fingers into his thick hair. “Maybe I can’t,” he said to the industrial carpet beside the bed. Not quite tonelessly.
Dani looked at the handsome, virile man sitting on the edge of the motel bed and saw the pain he was trying to hide—from himself as much as anyone.
For a moment Dani wondered if her motive was really selfless gratitude—or leftover wishes.
It didn’t much matter.
She knew from her own past how tempting denial was. Knew, too, its inevitable failure. Accepting reality, however unpleasant, offered the only route past life’s pain.
So show him the way and let him decide if he wants to take it. Then get on with your own life. And Michael’s.
“I’m sorry, Josh, but it is,” she said. Gently but firmly. “It’s over. Your baby is gone. Your girlfriend...”
Josh’s turquoise eyes flashed blue fire. “I would have married her!” he snapped. With a shrug, he dropped his head back into his hands.
“You know, I can’t even remember what she looks like now,” he confessed to his toes in a bemused tone before issuing a sigh that seemed to come from the same general region. “She didn’t—Why didn’t she tell me?” he asked in a half whisper.
And that was the question, of course, that still tormented him all these years later. Unfortunately, only Carrie could answer it.
The thought flitted through Dani’s mind that Jimmy’s parents—Michael’s grandparents—might spend the rest of their lives asking the same thing about her.
Okay, when she felt stronger and more secure, she’d figure out a safe way to let them know they had a grandson. Right now—
“I have no idea, Josh,” she admitted. “If you’d talked about spending the rest of your lives together—”
“Rest of our lives?” Josh growled, scowling at her. “Hell, I was just trying to get through the semester!”
So. The devil riding him was guilt as well as grief. Wrapping her arms around her middle, Dani said a silent prayer that she wouldn’t have to gather up Michael and start a new life at 3:00 a.m. in—She realized she didn’t know where they were exactly.
Except maybe on the brink of a breakthrough. “Then why were you having unprotected sex with her?” she asked quietly. “Were you ready for a baby?”
Josh leaped off the bed. Even from ten feet away, he seemed to tower over her. “No!” he shouted, then lowered his voice with a glance toward the connecting door that led to Michael. “Okay. No,” he repeated grimly. “I wasn’t. But I would have gotten ready.”
“Some people—” like Jimmy “—can’t just ‘get ready.’”
“Are you excusing her?” he asked, disbelief vibrating through every soft-spoken word.
“No.” Dani shook her head adamantly. “Accepting.”
“Never.”
He’d stood by her during Michael’s delivery, when he wanted to be anywhere else on earth. The world needed all the wonderful fathers it could get. So she gave it one last shot. “You don’t have to like it, just—”
“Well, I don’t.” Every line of his muscular body went to granite mode as he sliced off the phrase. “I won’t.”
Been there. Great way to waste a lifetime. Dani lifted her chin. “And what does your attitude achieve, Josh? Does it change the past?” She answered her own question. “No. It just destroys the future, too.”
She looked down at the floor, then let him see the pain of her own shattered dreams. “If it’s any help,” she said with a sad smile, “I can assure you, from personal experience, a baby isn’t enough to glue a shaky relationship together.”
After a moment of utter stillness Josh extended his hands in a way that made her want to walk right into his arms and seek comfort in the most elemental way a man and a woman could give and receive it.
And then she was in his arms.
And he held her wordlessly, held her tight, pressing his cheek against the top of her head.
It felt so right
She felt so right. So safe.
In the most dangerous place she could be. A place where dreams could grow again. They weren’t big dreams: a home, a family, a loving husband who cherished her the way she cared for him....
Dam Josh Walker, anyway. He made her want things she shouldn’t. Another moment of heaven in his arms. Another bone-melting kiss. The right to thrust her fingers into that thick, silky, golden hair.
Don’t be a fool, she warned herself. Your life belongs to Michael now. And so does your heart.
She stepped back and he let her go. She forced her feet to turn toward her own room.
Still—she couldn’t help hoping the seed she’d planted took root.
Because Josh deserved happiness. Everyone did, of course, but he’d been grieving for years.
“Dani.” His voice stopped her in the doorway. “I don’t want to argue with you. But what Carrie did was wrong. Forgiveness doesn’t change that.”
Oooh—arrogant idiot! “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” she retorted without turning around. “It’s not about forgiveness.”
Somehow she got herself back into her room and the door closed behind her.
K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid. Take care of Michael. Get your strength back. Come up with some viable way to support yourself—and get out of Josh Walker’s life before your heart makes any fatal mistakes.
Clearly the man needed a woman’s touch, some gentle guidance back to the land of the living.
Just as clearly, she wasn’t the woman. She’d failed once—to save her high school sweetheart from his self-destructive ways. She couldn’t risk another
failure, another heartbreak. She had a baby to raise. She needed all of her self for herself. For Michael.
Which put Josh Walker strictly off-limits.
Dani closed her eyes to get a few minutes’ rest before Michael’s next feeding. Teardrops formed behind her lashes. From long habit, she started to choke them back.
Oh, go ahead, she told herself, turning her face into the pillow and letting the tears run. Even the Queen of Coping deserves an occasional night off.
The distant whine of an eighteen-wheeler downshifting filtered into the room.
If it’s not about forgiveness, what the hell is it about? Josh wondered with a frown as he crossed the room and retrieved the pillow. Slumping back on the bed, he crammed the lump behind his head and stared into the greenish darkness, waiting for the sun to come up, trying to figure out a way to reclaim whatever ground he’d lost tonight.
Because one thing glowed clearly through the murky motel air: he had to keep this baby. This baby. He’d never understand women enough to have a kid of his own. He needed time with Michael.
At dawn, Josh showered, did the shaving routine, dug around until he found a clean navy T-shirt, and got dressed. Listened to the sounds next door until, around six, he took a deep breath, then simply strode in there as if nothing had happened and muscled Dani aside to burp and diaper Michael. As he settled the baby in the carrier, he urged Dani to go over to the truck stop and order breakfast
“Food’s usually pretty good in those places,” he said gruffly, not quite meeting her gaze. “Thought maybe you’d enjoy a few minutes to yourself. Michael can stay with me while I pack.”
After chewing on her lip for a few seconds, Dani nodded. “Okay, I’ll save you a seat.”
When the door closed behind her, Josh carried Michael carefully into his room, placed the carrier in the center of the bed and turned on the TV. Then he snatched up the phone.
Punched in his calling card sequence and Marletta’s home number so fast he expected the touch-pads to melt. Tapped his foot impatiently while he waited for the connection. Reached over to touch Michael’s cheek and grinned with pure pleasure—just as his call was answered.
