Yessssss, this is what I've been telling you from the beginning. Go to Eondian. Complete the bond... but that's not why you want to leave, is it?
No. I need to get back to my dad. Besides, I have a lot of questions.
A puff of steam or smoke spouted from my open collar. Why do humans need to have so many answers? Why can't you just be and live with your mate?
I laughed aloud, the sound absorbed by the books around me. Aaraeth? I need answers if I'm going to make the best decisions…
She cut me off. What choice do you have? You have a mate—go be with him. You don't like it here—leave. Why are you making things always complicated?
I snorted and shook my head, knowing full well she could feel my frustration. "It's not that simple. I've been in the dark about who I am and what my life is. Can't you understand that? I need answers to tell me who I am."
You know who you are. Prime to Aaraeth. Mate to Ashe Eondian.
I was surprised when she'd put the two names together as if they were one person.
They are one person.
They're two. They have two names, I told her.
Another puff came from my dragon as she snorted. You know so little, yet ask the wrong questions.
"All right. What are the right questions?"
The time will come for you to see what the right questions are.
My stomach growled, and reluctantly I packed up my things.
Maybe Becca knows where that book is, I told Aaraeth.
Becca knows many things she's keeping to herself.
I sagged. "Can you please stop being so cryptic? Just spit it out! Say what you mean."
Ssssssshe has no dragon, but a plannnn.
"What plan?"
Sssshe has no dragon, but I sssssense something.
Great. My dragon has hunches. No facts. No proof. Hunches. I snorted.
"I need to eat dinner. If I'm late, they won't let me into the hall." I told Aaraeth, and she simmered at my thoughts to her.
As I entered the dining hall, the main doors were closed behind me. I weaved my way through and around the tables until I found the far Drake table where Becca sat.
She beamed up at me and called out, tapping on the space across from her, "I saved you a spot!"
I couldn't help but smile back and slide into the seat. "Thank you. I'm starving."
Olivia sat next to me and gave me a funny look. "You've been busy. I haven't seen you at all since that first night."
I shook my head. "Just trying to settle in, I guess."
Becca cut in before Olivia could speak. Her arms were stretched out across the table. "You need to come and try out for the school choir. It's so much fun! We travel, we have lock-ins and parties…" She smiled and nodded.
I couldn't help but grimace. I liked to sing, but only for myself. "I don't sing."
Becca pursed her lips before speaking. "Well, if you say so. I'm just trying to get you involved."
"I know, and I appreciate it. I'm just so overwhelmed as it is right now."
"All right. But let me know if you change your mind. I'm sure that you could join... something. I think it would help." She crinkled up her nose, genuinely hurt by my refusal, and I got the feeling that not many people refused Rebecca Brooks.
I nodded, but I wasn't going to follow through. The more entrenched in this school I became, the harder it would be for me to leave.
And I was leaving.
13
As soon as the formal dinner ended, I tried to hurry away back toward my room. The overcast sky was dark above us, sprinkling the air with snowflakes.
Guided by the yellow pathway lights as they glistened off the snowy walk, I headed toward Drake house.
When someone caught my arm, I gasped.
"Sydney?"
Turning, I barely recognized Logan, dressed all in Balaur black. His teeth shone like the Cheshire cat in the dark as he stared at me.
"Hey, I was going to look for you." At my words, he smirked, and I instantly regretted how I said that. "That book you showed me, I can't seem to find it. Do you have it?"
"Yeah, it's still in the Library. If you want I can show you where it is… right now." Turning, he walked backward to chat with me face to face, slowing me down as the others passed us like a rock in a river.
I pursed my lips together and felt Aaraeth tense. Goosebumps ran up my back, and an inner alarm rang. "Umm... I can't right now. I've got loads of homework. I'm still trying to catch up... Another time?"
His smile faded, and he nodded. "Absolutely."
Finding his way back to my side, he continued to walk with me.
My mind was torn. A month ago, I would've jumped to be alone with such a hot guy. But now? Now I could sense people's intentions and his... didn't feel right.
He wants to possess you like an object, Aaraeth told me in a very parental tone.
A month ago, I wouldn't have cared.
A month ago, you weren't a Prime. You need to solidify the bond with Ashe.
I rolled my eyes heavenward. Enough with the bond! Ashe apparently doesn't want anything to do with me right now! If HE wanted the bond—we'd have the damn bond!
Logan raised his eyebrows and laughed. "Talking to your dragon?"
A smile crept up on my lips, and I sucked a breath in through my teeth. "More like fighting with my dragon. How can you tell?"
He shrugged in a gesture that I'm sure made other girls swoon... okay, maybe me a little. "You had that look. What are you and Aaraeth fighting about?"
"She doesn't like you."
Both Aaraeth and Logan spoke at the same time.
I never said that!
"She doesn't like me?" He asked, hand to his heart with a dramatic stumble. "I'm hurt."
Breathing out a laugh, I grimaced. "It's because of our bond with Ashe Eondian. She's protective."
He tilted his head, eyeing my collar, searching for my beast. "Well, Aaraeth, with all due respect, Ashe Carrick isn't here."
"I know, right? My point exactly. I was just talking to her about this. If this bond were so special and so important, then nothing would matter, would it?" A small surge of my own anger ran through me, along with annoyance from my dragon.
Logan met my gaze and held it in that intense way he had. "Damn straight. I told you already—If I had a partial bond, nothing could pull me away."
Suddenly, the atmosphere had become too intense, and I realized that we'd fallen far behind everyone else. The quad was empty now, and with the snow muffling much of the sound, it was also very quiet. A shout here or there could be heard along with the muted voices from inside Drake House.
Logan leaned in toward me, all his attention and focus directed at me. "I mean it. I'm not going to run away like a coward. I'd stick by you. Forever. Be there for you."
His expression was so sincere that I wanted to believe him.
But…
I wanted Ashe to say these things to me.
Say that age didn't matter.
Say that nothing else mattered.
Say he'd be by me.
Instead, he told me how he would love Lacy for the rest of his life.
But Logan's words didn't carry the weight Ashe's did. When Ashe said something, he meant it, and I wasn't wholly convinced that Logan meant everything he said—I mean—sure he might mean it at this moment, but that wasn't enough for me.
I was normal, ordinary, plain, and down to earth. I had dishwater blond hair and wore glasses. I'd never wanted to be special or claimed I was, but I wanted to be loved.
And that hurt. But the truth hurts sometimes.
I forced myself to pierce my own pride and my heart with it. Because the truth was also that Logan wanted me for what I was to him—an object, a tool, and possession.
He didn't want me for my worldliness, my wit or my goofy side.
And it took all my strength to recognize this fact and face it.
I smiled and laughed like what he'd said had been a joke. Because if it weren't a jok
e, then I could be tempted.
It had been a mistake to speak ill of my bond-mate, and I instantly regretted this conversation with Logan.
Clearing my throat, I tried to remedy my error. "Ashe has a lot of responsibilities, and he can't do whatever he wants. I get that."
At least with Ashe, I didn't have to second guess his intentions; I knew him, in a profoundly personal, if abstract way. What we'd shared in that cave I would never have with another soul.
It hurt when he'd left—physically and mentally.
However, no matter how deep and intense those moments were, I still wanted him to desire me like in my dream. But it seemed like our emails and texts were those between friends.
I wanted that crazy, passionate kind of love that we felt when he pulled me aside that first day. Or that hungry gaze he'd given me when I let him look at me naked in the cave's dim light. I wanted that wild, untamed, burning hunger from my dreams.
But doubts crept in. I wasn't skinny like Lacy or sophisticated like Becca or beautiful like Olivia. And yet all these amazing guys wanted me, and it hurt because I wanted them to want me for me, not Aaraeth.
My heart ached in my chest.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Shaking my head, I picked up my pace and strode into the house.
I didn't care where Logan went. We both knew that a line was crossed, and I intended not to cross it again.
Why was I even tempted? Why would I even consider Logan?
And Ashe? Ashe was... way... way more tempting.
Even the thought of when we'd kissed nearly undid me.
The same sensual, almost spiritual dreams with Ashe plagued my sleep all week. I'd never had sex before, but apparently, I had a pretty good imagination—or was it my imagination? Ashe was having dreams of me as well. Were they the same? I wouldn't know because he never brought up the subject again, so neither did I.
By Friday afternoon, I was dragging. It seemed that every day was a new chance for someone else to point out how clueless I was in the most public way possible. It was easy to blame my father for not knowing simple things about how a school worked and how I should behave. But deep down, I knew he didn't deserve my anger. I'd done all these things wrong, but all these little petty rules were for children, and I'd never really been a child. I'd been a helper, an assistant, a friend to my dad, and loved it. The work was meaningful; the lessons I'd learned on a dig or expedition were exponentially more useful than anything I could've read in a book.
I didn't belong here, and that fact was being made painfully more apparent every day.
I had to leave Balaur Academy.
That first day, Ashe said something like, "Balaur isn't for you." I agreed then, and I double agreed now.
Dragon or no dragon.
My father needed me. He'd need me when he woke up—If he woke up. He had a lot of questions to answer.
Was he Dragonborn?
Was he even my dad?
Would his answer even matter?
Why would he have raised me as his own if I wasn't his daughter?
I thought back to that first history lesson in Dr. Weaver's classroom about the Prime who raised a girl child in the hopes of her becoming a prime.
My mind circled this conundrum. Both Logan and Ashe said that only two prime parents could have a female prime.
Pulling myself from my muddled thoughts, I ignored everyone as they headed off toward the main hall for a buffet dinner. Instead, I opted for gathering some granola bars, cheese sticks, and canned juice. I planned to get some sleep and leave at 2 am the next morning.
Lori, dad's friend would be on her way to Vietnam to visit my father, and so should I.
While Becca and all the other students were out of the building, I began to pack and plan my escape. It would be agonizingly cold, and I might have to walk a very long way if Aaraeth couldn't fly with me on her back. I'd seen a few other students fly on their dragons, and knew there was a flying class, so I knew people did it.
If they could do it, so could I.
Besides, everyone kept telling me how big dragons were compared to wyverns, but Aaraeth seemed small compared to Eondian.
I'd found an emergency survival kit with first-aid supplies, space blankets, and a few other objects I figured could be useful. Slipping the knife out, I attached it to the outside of my Balaur backpack and stuffed the kit inside.
Standing, I felt a little light-headed and gripped the wardrobe as I examined my handiwork. I had thick wool socks, leggings, wool pants, turtleneck (which I would never wear under any other circumstances), wool Balaur sweater, down jacket, and my New York baseball cap.
Material objects didn't really matter to me, so I didn't care about my suitcase or anything inside. I'd take my phone, Stuff-tee the lamb and a notebook.
Thinking of my notebook, I smiled. Dad called it my diary. Every year, I'd get a new planner, but to me, it wasn't just for a schedule. I'd doodle drawings inside it, sometimes write poems or journal about the day or something special we'd come across. These planners were windows into my soul—so there was no way I could leave it.
I curled my bare toes against the hardwood, eyeing my evening's work.
In a few days… maybe even a week, this would all seem like a bad dream. I would go on with my life as it was meant to be.
Aaraeth blew a puff of steam, and it dampened the shoulder of my Balaur t-shirt I was wearing as pajamas.
"What?" I asked, irritated.
You know that things will never be the same for you. Why are you fighting your life with the Dragonborn?
I chewed my lip and tried to push Aaraeth out of my mind.
I'm part of you. Why are you trying to fight me? She asked.
"Because I can't do all this right now. I'm not ready for this! Ashe isn't ready for this! I have to go back to a place that's normal for me... before I lose my mind completely."
Aaraeth pushed an image of Ashe into my mind. He looked at me from my memories, and my heart clenched.
"Aaraeth! Can't you understand? Everything here reminds me of Ashe. Everything I see, everything I do." Shaking my head, I sucked in a shuddering breath. "Besides, I'll never fit in here, I will never be," I held my fingers up to do air quotes, "one of them."
One of who?
"Dragonborn," I spat out.
She snorted loudly, and I felt my control on her begin to slip as she slid off my skin and into the room.
"Aaraeth!" I admonished, voice raised.
Covering my mouth at my outburst, I pulled the door open, checking the hallway to make sure we were alone before slamming it closed again. "You know you're not supposed to come out here!"
Her beautiful jeweled tail curled around as she sat on her hind legs, wings folded in. When her swirling jade eyes met my own, she stared at me indolently.
It's fear. You're running away because of fear. Her voice was sharp in my mind.
I narrowed my eyes at the beast. "I don't belong here. You know it and so do I. Also, I thought you were all for leaving?"
That's when we were going to find Ashe Eondian! She fell to all fours and looked up at me. I couldn't help but stroke the turquoise scales of her neck.
Shaking my head, I bit my bottom lip. Heartache made my voice thick as I spoke, "I would go to him if he wanted me."
My dragon nuzzled her head against my chest, Trust me. He wants you. But his will is sssssssso strong. I've felt him, the way you've felt Eondian. Ashe has a tough mind. He feels shame for his thoughts of you.
A shiver ran through me—anger, hurt, injustice, or maybe irony.
"Yeah. That's why I can't deal with him right now. This is shit. This whole thing is shit."
I sunk down to my bed, and Aaraeth closed the space, embracing me with her wings. She scratched the wall with the tip of one wing leaving a long gouge above my bed.
I'm here with you. Your pain is my pain. You know this human world. If you say we should leave, then we should go.
I breathed
out a sigh of relief, "Thank you."
We had to be of one mind. I was inexorably linked to this dragon.
She was me, and I was her.
After being enfolded in her front paws and wings, feeling the touch of another living being, I felt somewhat restored.
That connection to Ashe still stung. It was a thread stitched into my soul that was tugged over and over again. But it was a pain I could manage with Aaraeth's help—for now.
At night, that thread, that cord that led to Ashe seemed even tighter. Like it was yanking at my depths, threatening to tear away and take a piece of myself with it.
Thinking of Ashe, I muttered to Aaraeth, Bastard.
She snorted a chuckle, but then went silent.
What? I asked her. Why are you so quiet?
Her hesitancy sat between us sharp and worrying. As if something had been broken. Then she spoke, Eondian is my mate. I will never mate another…
"I feel like there's a but there. But what?" I whispered aloud, making sure she understood me.
But... you were tempted by Logan. He is a strong Prime and still young. He would be a good sire to your children, strong for them.
My voice caught in my throat, and I hesitated in shock. "What? No. No." My words were colored with incredulity. Ever since that night in the courtyard, I'd avoided Captain America, and he hadn't tried to press me.
In all honesty, even though I'd had all kinds of dreams of being with Ashe, sex scared me. Not to mention the thought of having children.
Making excuses and trying to dodge the serious topic, I said, "I'm too young to have kids. I read once that girls who have babies at my age have all kinds of problems. Their bodies aren't fully mature."
Aaraeth snorted, knowing that didn't apply to me, but she said nothing as I stroked her neck again.
A door being slammed below in the house somewhere made her raise her head to meet my eye. Without a word between us, she slid back onto my skin, fluttering over my shoulders and settling with her tail around my waist and wingtip up my neck.
With my dragon back where she belonged, I quickly adjusted the bed she'd pushed out of alignment and hid my clothes and pack inside my wardrobe.
I turned on Becca's lamp for her before turning the main light off and sliding beneath my comforter.
Cracked Open: The Dragon Born Academy Page 12
