by Kit Morgan
Jonas looked at Luella. “No, they’re not.” Luella blushed
Viola glanced between the two of them and tried to hide a smile. Great, Jonas thought. He had to get a handle on his growing feelings or there could be trouble. He was slipping more and more. Worse, Luella appeared to have an attraction to him too, however small. Better he squash it before her family did – right before they kicked him off the ranch.
Anson bowed his head, said the blessing, and they began to eat. After a few minutes Jess and Lillie joined them and the meal was soon filled with talk of each other’s day, laughter and of course good food. It put a longing in Jonas’s heart he could hardly bear. He wanted this: a wife, children, a family to call his own.
But he could never have it – his brothers and his own stupidity had seen to that. What woman would want to marry a criminal? He might as well have the mark of Cain on his forehead. And what had he been thinking, joining this good family for supper? No good could come of it, none at all.
Besides, having to sit and stare at Luella all evening was torture. She was witty and bold, spoke her mind when she wanted and got things done. He could tell she was a born leader, and could picture her doing things like teaching Sunday school or heading up some sort of women’s organization. Heck, he could see her starting a movement, like the suffragettes back East.
No, sitting here day in and day out with the Joneses and the Whites was something he could ill afford. In prison, thoughts of such things kept him going, but now it was a torment, and he didn’t want to go through any more torment. To have it sitting across the table, staring moon-eyed at him, made it worse. If he were smart, he’d get up and leave, go back to the barn and never come back in here.
And yet he couldn’t make himself go.
Seven
Over the next couple of weeks Luella had perfected her routine. Trent was the first to awaken – at sunup, how convenient – and got her out of bed. Bella’s wails of hunger followed, soon after Luella had started breakfast. By the time she was done cooking, Lillie and Zadie would have fed the babies and put them down again. Then they’d join her in the kitchen, help her finish as needed and put the food on the table. The family would have breakfast together and talk about plans for the day. Caleb and Viola often had breakfast in their own home, but with Viola due any time now, Luella planned on setting a few extra plates in the near future.
Too bad she wasn’t setting one for Jonas – he still insisted on having breakfast and lunch in the barn or while he worked, though he had frequented the supper table more often. A good thing, too, as she didn’t always see him during the day. Sometimes he’d be out mending fences with Caleb or doing any number of other jobs that called him away from the center of the ranch.
On this particular evening, he not only showed up for supper, but sat on the front porch steps with her afterward. “Mrs. White ought to be having her baby soon,” he commented as he stared up at the evening sky. It was twilight, with the first stars just beginning to show.
“Yes, I suspect so.” Luella did her best not to fidget. What she really wanted to do was reach over and touch him, as if doing so would prove to her he was real. His hair had grown out a bit since he’d cut it, and more often than not his jaw was covered with stubble – he obviously didn’t shave every day. But his current grooming habits were a vast improvement over what they were.
He still didn’t talk a lot, and kept to himself, almost as if he was hiding something. No, that’s not right, she thought. More like keeping something at bay.
“I hear you and your brother went to Morgan’s Crossing the other day,” he commented, turning to her.
My goodness, those eyes of his! “Yes, we did,” she said, her voice cracking. She cleared her throat. “I have to say, it reminds me some of Clear Creek. Only it’s centered around the mine instead of the ranches.”
“Your brother’s told me about your hometown – it sounds like an interesting place. I’d like to see it someday.”
Her eyes lit up. “You would? I’d love to show it to you. You’d like it there.”
He smiled at her sudden excitement, yet there was a sadness in his eyes that she couldn’t understand. Over the last week or so, she’d caught that same look. What would cause such a thing?
Well, there was only one way to find out. “What’s your hometown like?”
His eyes flashed with something as he continued to look at her. “Nothing like yours. I grew up in Dodge City, Kansas.”
She gasped. “Dodge City – my goodness!”
He chuckled lightly. “If you’re thinking of gunfights and famous folks like Bat Masterson and Wyatt Earp, then yeah, that Dodge City. But I was just a child when a lot of that happened, so I didn’t see any of it myself. My pa and some of my brothers did.”
Luella watched him a moment, saw the regret in his eyes and wondered if she should ask anything more. “How many brothers do you have?”
He clenched and unclenched his hands. “Two. I had three, but … one passed on.”
She put a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry.”
He sighed. “Thank you, but you don’t need to be.”
Luella removed her hand and stared straight ahead a moment. Finally she could stand it no longer. “You’ve been hurt.”
Even though they were no longer touching, she felt his body stiffen next to her. He took a ragged breath and let it out slowly. “Pay it no mind.”
At least he didn’t deny it. She turned toward him. “I can see it, you know.”
He gazed into her eyes, searching, but for what she didn’t know. “That’s because I can’t hide it anymore.”
“Then don’t,” she said gently. “I don’t know what happened to you, Jonas, but I do know that if you hold onto the pain it will fester, like any other wound.”
He sighed and frowned. She could tell this was hard for him, but felt privileged that he would allow her to see this side of himself. “I guess that’s one way of putting it. You don’t mince words do you, Luella?”
She smiled at the use of her name. “You should know that by now, Jonas. Everyone says so.” She shifted on the step and wiped her hands on her skirt. “I know it’s none of my business, but maybe you should talk about it with someone, get it off your chest.”
“You’re a rare woman, Luella Jones,” he said with a half-smile. “I’m not sure how I feel about women doing any sort of healing or doctoring, but I know they’re out there. Maybe you ought to be one. You’re very perceptive.”
She laughed. “I’m no doctor. Though I’ve had to stitch up a few ranch hands before.”
“I don’t mean that kind of doctor. More like a doctor of the heart.” He clenched and unclenched his hands again.
“Are you in pain?” she asked, noting the action. Not that she didn’t hear what he’d just said, but she didn’t know what to say to something like that.
He gave her an agonized look. “Darling, I don’t know who I’d be if I wasn’t. Much obliged for supper. It was as good as ever.” And he got up and strode away.
* * *
“Jonas, you fool, what are you doing?” He kicked a pile of firewood piled against the barn, grimaced and spun toward the barn door. He opened it and marched inside, went to his cot and sat, not bothering with the lantern.
He’d told her too much. But doggone it, whenever he was around her he felt peace well up inside him. The pain that so often kept him going would recede, as if her presence could wash it away. He noticed his heart softening towards her – she was on his mind more and more as the days progressed. Maybe it was best if Luella helped her family out for only a few more weeks, then left. The longer she stayed, the more he risked his job – and more than that.
He pulled his boots off, placed them under the cot and lay down. He’d come close to putting his arm around her, pulling her against him, maybe even giving her a kiss. He wasn’t satisfied with just sitting on the porch steps with her. No, he wanted to touch her, hold her, run his fingers through her hair, taste her skin. She
was sweet, good and kind. Yes, she held nothing back, but he liked that about her. You always knew where you stood with Luella Jones.
Problem was, where would he be standing if she found out he’d been in prison for robbing a stagecoach, or that his brother was a murderer? Would she understand the nightmares that gave him? Could she sympathize with his plight? Could she forgive such sin, even though it had nothing to do with her? Most people couldn’t – once a criminal, always a criminal, they figured.
Jonas beat his head against his pillow a few times. He’d been over and over this in his mind before. But he was tired of fighting with himself to keep a distance from her. Her presence was like a healing balm to his tortured heart. And she was right – wounds left untended festered. Then fever would set in, and delirium …
Is that the state he was in? Was he simply delirious and hallucinating? After all, how could a woman like Luella fall in love with a man like him? He could tell he made her nervous at times. So what if she gave him such warm looks – maybe she was just being polite. Even the way she’d gaze into his eyes from across the dining table could be nothing.
He sat up abruptly. So much nothing, however, could still turn into something.
Jonas put his boots back on, left the barn and headed down the road to the creek bordering the Jones Ranch. He liked to bathe there when the notion took him, but this time wasn’t about getting clean. It was about getting clarity. Maybe soaking his fool head in cold creek water would snap him out of this dream state he’d managed to get into. He had to stop thinking about the woman.
Problem was, he didn’t know how, except to outright avoid her. And that would surely raise questions with his employers too.
He knew he should have stayed in the barn come suppertime, but he’d had to see her, be near her, if only for a few crumbs of peace for himself. But no more – if he got any closer to her he’d break wide open. And then what? Probably she’d say “sorry, but I have no place in my life for one such as you” and flee. Then he’d have to move on – it was her family that owned the ranch, not his. Perhaps that’s what he should do anyway.
By the time Jonas reached the creek, stripped down and tossed himself in, it was full darkness, but he didn’t care. He needed this, needed to remind himself he had no right to someone like Luella Jones. But no matter how long he soaked and shivered, it did no good. When he got back to the barn, he discovered he was in no better shape than when he’d left.
Worse, Luella was waiting there. “Where have you been?” she asked softly.
He sighed heavily. “Trying to take care of something.”
“And did you?”
“No.”
“You sound disappointed. Maybe you can fix it tomorrow?”
He laughed, deep and throaty. Little did she know …
“You didn’t get any dessert,” she suddenly said, ignoring his laughter “You left before the coffee was done.”
“I’m sorry. I had… things to do.”
She’d lit a lantern and hung it on a nail pounded into one of the posts. Her skin looked soft in the dim light, her cheeks tinged pink. Tendrils of hair had escaped from their pins to frame her face. She looked a little tired, yet at the same time determined. Uh-oh. He was in for it now. Bad enough she looked like an angel sent from Heaven; now she looked like one on a mission. Lord only knew what.
“I brought you some pie,” she said. “And something else.”
Jonas looked at what she carried. There was indeed a slice of pie and a fork on a plate, atop a linen napkin covering a small tray.
“Here.” She carefully handed it to him.
He reached for it, his fingers brushing hers as he did, took the items from her and backed away. The brief touch sent warm currents of the peace he craved through his entire body. He didn’t know how to handle that, other than not let her touch him. But he didn’t know if he could give up that feeling.
Only then did he notice that he didn’t hold a tray in his hands, but a book.
Luella’s smile was heartfelt. “Enjoy your dessert, Jonas.” She turned and left him standing there, staring after her like an idiot.
Once she disappeared, he looked at the slice of apple pie on the plate, then lifted it off the book along with the linen napkin. “Oh Lord.” She hadn’t just given him a book. She’d given him The Book.
Jonas went to his cot, set everything down, then fetched the lantern and hung it on a nail nearby. He sat down, ate his pie, then set the plate aside and stared at the Bible. “Been a while.” He sighed, opened it up and began to read.
Eight
Jonas went through the rest of the week in a daze. Ever since he’d cracked open that Bible Luella gave him, he’d been pondering things. Things he hadn’t given a thought to until now. Perusing the Good Book reminded him of his own folly as he read some of the stories – like Jonah, who’d gone right when he should’ve gone left. He’d even started saying the prayers he’d found scrawled on a piece of paper inside it – Wylie’s contribution.
Now that he thought on it, at least some good had come from his years in prison. He’d given hope to other prisoners, what shreds he could dredge up. Some had even told him they weren’t afraid to die anymore. Some did within days after his talking with them.
Reading also reminded him that no matter what he’d done, God had forgiven him. The problem was forgiving himself.
“Good morning,” Luella called behind him.
He led Anson’s big black stud horse Julius Caesar from his stall. “Careful now, stand back,” he told her.
She stepped into an empty stall to get out of his way. “I just came to gather eggs.”
“I figured.”
“Is Julius going to get to … you know …”
Jonas smiled. “Yes. Someone from a nearby ranch is bringing his mare this morning. I’m sure Julius will get the job done in no time.”
She laughed as she blushed.
“This is a horse ranch, Luella,” he said. “It’s what we do.”
She shook her head, still giggling. “I know. You forget why I’m here?”
He thought of the two babies at the main house and the third on the way, and nodded. “There are still more colts and fillies around here than babies.”
“Yes, but one day that might be different.”
“You’d better hope not, or you won’t be able to feed all those babies,” he said in all seriousness.
She watched him a moment from her place in the stall, the basket dangling from one hand. “Would you like to come up to the house for breakfast?”
His heart warmed. She’d brought him a muffin or biscuit on occasion when she came to gather eggs. Other days, he’d get something after the family had eaten. He’d avoided eating at the house for several days as he’d done more and more thinking. He didn’t like himself much, he’d found, and when he was around the Joneses he suffered by comparison. But he also knew he couldn’t avoid them – especially Luella – forever. “All right.”
She smiled a bright wonderful smile. One would think he’d just given her a Christmas present. “I’ll set another plate. Come in after you put Julius in the corral.”
He nodded, tipped his hat and led Anson’s horse from the barn, then took care of a few small chores. Anson and Jess hadn’t gone into the house yet, and it didn’t seem right to eat breakfast before they did. When he saw them head in, he did too.
“Jonas,” Zadie said when he entered. “What a pleasant surprise.”
“Glad you could join us,” Anson said. “There’s something I want to go over with you.”
“Oh?” Jonas said as he took a place at the table.
“I had Jess order some things from Sweetwater Springs when he picked up Lu at the train station. They’re probably in by now. I’d like you to fetch them for us.”
Luella’s head snapped up. “Sweetwater Springs? But that’s five days … I mean …”
Anson and Jess eyed her a moment. “We can manage without him,” Anson said. “W
e’ve gotten along fine with three men before.”
“Oh, um … okay,” she said sheepishly.
Jonas did his best to hide a smile. He knew what she really meant – she didn’t want him to leave. The thought made his whole body warm. Luella Jones liked him, and more than a little.
The feeling was mutual. Going to Sweetwater Springs meant he wouldn’t see her for five days either, wouldn’t hear her sweet voice call to him in the early morning light when she came to gather eggs or pester him about having enough blankets or ask if he needed anything mended. He’d even miss her nagging him about eating lunch when sometimes he’d work right through it.
Good grief, he would miss her.
“You can leave at first light,” Jess added. “We’ll make a list of supplies you can pick up while you’re there.”
“You should have good weather,” Anson mentioned. “In case the cabins are full.”
Jonas nodded. He knew about the cabins scattered along the road to Sweetwater Springs. They were often full at this time of year, since folks went to town more often in the summer and at harvest time. In the winter, one often couldn’t get to town at all. “I can do that. Just tell me what you need.”
“I have some things to add to your list, Anson,” Zadie said. “I’ll do it after breakfast.”
“Sure,” he said, then turned to Luella. “Lu? Did you want anything from Sweetwater Springs?”
Jonas watched her stare at the table. He noticed she’d lost a little weight, and his concern must have shown on his face. When she glanced up her expression suddenly changed to match his. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Never better.” He looked away as Zadie set a plate of bacon on the table and sat.
Anson said the blessing then reached for the potatoes. “Jess and I would like to give you a little bonus.”
Jonas tore his gaze from Luella again. He hadn’t realized he’d been staring at her. “Beg pardon?”
“You’ve earned it,” Anson said, passing him an envelope. “Get yourself something in Sweetwater Springs while you’re there.”
