“This wasn’t your plan when you brought me here?” she asks, nudging me out and kissing her way across my cheek until she’s at my mouth.
“Part of it,” I admit, catching her lips and indulging her for a second. “How do you feel?”
“Alive.” Her answer is somehow flippant, yet it is also somehow what I expected.
“I don’t want that to be my only purpose.” I fist her wet hair and pull her away from me, using my other hand to reach around my back and unhook her ankles. She slides down my body, both of us wincing when I slip free from her, detaching us completely. The confusion on her face is understandable. I don’t know how I managed to tear myself away, either. I take both her hands and kiss each before releasing and reversing, putting a good three feet of water between us. People say things in the heat of the moment, especially when they’re blinded by passion. I don’t want there to be any opportunity for a misunderstanding here.
“What’s the matter?” she asks, wrapping her arms around her naked torso protectively, her look of uncertainty paining me. “Did I do something? Say something?”
I laugh mildly, though it’s not in humor. She’s done and said many things. “I know how alive you are when we’re together,” I say, resting my hand over my heart. “I feel it here.” Her eyes fix on my chest where I’m touching. “The past that killed your spirit is of no consequence to us, Hannah.” She closes her eyes, and I can see all too clearly that she’s talking herself down from turning and running. “Whatever it was that broke you can’t hurt you anymore,” I vow, and she steps back in the water. “You can run,” I tell her, though I beg her silently not to. “But you will be running away from a man who loves you with a power that’s crippling him.”
Impossibly huge, round eyes lift to mine. They’re brimming with tears, and her arms cuddle her body a little tighter.
“I just want to love you, Hannah,” I murmur. “And more than that, I want you to give me permission to.” I reach for my nape and massage, feeling my apprehension reaching there. Will she run? Or will she stay? Right now, I don’t know. She’s clearly in a muddle, and I honestly have no clue what way this might swing. But I’ve started now. And I’ll finish. “And even more than that,” I say quietly. “I want you to accept it.” I take one step forward, like Here I am. Just take me. I’m all yours if you’ll only let yourself have me. “And if I’m really lucky,” I add, shrinking the distance between us until I’m before her. “You’ll love me back,” I whisper, wanting to touch her, to remind her of the unyielding connection we have. Yet I can’t influence her with the sexual chemistry. There is more than that between us. So much more.
Hannah remains a statue before me, her gaze low. The silence is agony, to the point I can’t endure it any longer. She needs space. She needs some time to think about what I’ve said. It kills me, but I have to let her have that time. And all I can do is hope that she’ll accept my love. And she’ll stay.
I step to the side and pass her, wading through the water to the shore, scrubbing a palm down my face as I go.
I hear the water splash before I feel her hand grab my wrist, and I stop, but I don’t look back. Will this be an It’s not you, it’s me speech? If so, I can’t look at her while she gives it. I can’t promise I’ll contain my temper. I can’t promise I won’t shout and yell at her for being so impenetrable. I close my eyes and wait. My world is in this woman’s hands.
She moves behind me, coming in close to my back and slipping her hands under my arms, hooking them up. Her cheek rests in the middle of my shoulder blades. “Love me,” she says, turning a kiss onto my skin.
Fire shoots from that point to every nerve ending I have. That wasn’t permission. That was an order. I go to turn—I need to see her—but she locks down her hold, stopping me. “I don’t want to look at you when I tell you what I’m about to tell you,” she says quietly. “I don’t want your sympathy. When I’m finished, you’ll face me and you will look at me like I need you to look at me. Not like you want to fix me. I’m working hard to do that myself. I don’t need a man for that.” I feel her forehead rest into the middle of my back, and I lay my arms over hers, finding her hands and holding them on either side of my neck. “I want you to look at me like I am yours and nothing came before you.”
My teeth clench. I was dreading what there was to know before she said that. I can’t promise I won’t go on a rampage. So she’s going to tell me everything, and then I’m expected to pretend I never heard a word?
“Promise me,” she orders, jolting me a little, pushing her front harder into my back.
I’ve never in my fucking life found it so hard to utter three words. “I promise you,” I say through the tightness of my jaw, so hoping I’ve not just made a promise I can’t keep.
“I’ve had one relationship before you,” she tells me, her voice shaky. “It was a very unhealthy relationship. I lost my identity. I lost my self-confidence. And I lost many things I loved.” She stops, taking a break, and naturally my mind goes into overdrive. Unhealthy. I need a definition of what an unhealthy relationship is, because the spectrum is too fucking broad. Though the gun Hannah had aimed at my forehead clues me in a little. “I left,” she goes on. “I moved away and started afresh. My life since then has been lonely, but it’s been good for me. I’ve found myself again. And now I’ve found you, too. You’ve helped me truly find happiness again, and now I just want to forget everything that came before.”
Motherfucker. I drop my head back, looking up to the sky, like the endurance I’m going to need can be found there. Endurance not to track down that man and riddle him with bullets. Her nose that’s clearly been broken. Her fights with flashbacks and meltdowns. What the fuck did he do to her? I breathe through the growing rage that her words and my thoughts bring on, and Hannah tightens her hold on me more, so I know she’s feeling the heat of my anger.
I have her here with me. She’s safe here with me. Nothing can touch her.
“You promised me,” she says into my skin. “Let it go.”
There’s so much more she isn’t telling me. Like the women she was watching in Grange this morning. Who are they? Let it go. Can I? Should I? Fuck me, do I have a choice?
It takes everything in me to nod and squeeze her hands. “Okay,” I say, turning and looking at her like she asked me to. Like she is mine, because she is. And like nothing came before me, because to her it didn’t. What Hannah needs should be my priority. So I have to shake off my own need to know every detail of her past. I have to shake off the need for vengeance. Hannah is here with me, and she’s telling me to love her. Loving her is the easy part. “There won’t be a day that passes without me telling you I love you.” I drag my thumb across her bottom lip. “There won’t be a night that passes without you feeling how much I love you.” I cup her face in my palms, desperate for her to understand the depths of my feelings. “I promise you I’ll always protect you. I promise you I’ll always be strong for you. I promise you I will walk through hell and back again if it means saving you from hurt. There is nothing in this world that could make me happier than simply knowing you are in my life, and I am what you need.” I kiss her hard. “So I promise you, I’ll let it all go because I love you.”
She slings her arms around me and crawls up my body, and my legs give out on me, taking me down to my knees. With Hannah in my lap, I swathe her, absorbing every pound of her thumping heart. My clarity is back. She is my clarity. Nothing else matters. I will be the man she wants. I’ll surrender my need to know the gory details, because I want to be her peace, not add to her torment. I can’t lose her.
I keep us on the ground for as long as my heels digging into my arse will allow, happy to softly trace the skin of her back, smiling to myself each time I feel her flex her front into me, the sensitivity becoming too much. But I don’t stop. Each press of her chest to mine, each smile of hers I feel against my shoulder, each light bite of my flesh, just urges me on.
“Can I stay with you tonight?
” she asks, pulling herself out and presenting me with sleepy eyes. “If Alex doesn’t mind.”
“Alex is at Darcy’s tonight preparing for the pageant.” My backside has finally declared the onset of numbness, so I push my palm into the ground and lift Hannah as I stand. She’s exhausted. I have to admit, I’m there myself. All this talk of love and pasts has drained us both.
She shows no willingness to uncurl her wrapped body from around me, leaving me to dip with her secured to my front to collect our clothes. I hold her under her thighs and walk back to the cabin, feeling the cool air settling across our bare skin. She’s starting to shiver.
When I get us inside, I drop our clothes in a pile by the door and carry her over to the fire, lighting it and pulling a throw down from the couch. It takes some negotiating and effort, since she’s not helping, but I eventually get her on her back, half cover her naked body with mine, and pull the blanket over us. “Pillow?”
She shakes her head and undoes all my effort to get her comfortable, pushing me to my back and resting her head on my chest. I go about rearranging the blanket again, getting us covered as the fire builds and starts to chase away the chills.
“Ryan?”
I peek down at the back of her head, humming my acknowledgment.
“I promise I’ll always love you.” She moves her head so her chin sinks into my chest and she’s looking at me. “I want you to know that.”
I comb my fingers through her wet hair as she rests her head back down and her eyes flutter closed. She’s breathing lightly soon after, fast asleep. “I already knew,” I say quietly. But what I wanted to hear is that she’ll never leave me. Because I’m still not certain of that.
* * *
I don’t sleep. Get nowhere close. My thoughts haven’t stopped spinning.
Being as careful as I can, I lift Hannah’s palm from my chest and inch out from under her, settling her on the rug. She stirs but drifts back off once I’ve tucked the blankets back in around her.
I pull on my jeans, grab my phone, and let myself out, set on calling Lucinda and telling her to abandon her search. I promised Hannah I’d love her. Her past doesn’t matter. I need to let it go.
The phone rings once and Lucinda answers, but before I have the chance to give her my instruction, she hits me with a statement that has the potential to change my mind. “You heard that saying opening a can of worms?” she asks, halting me mid-stride down the steps to the lawn.
Say the words, Ryan. Call her off. Oh, fuck. I take hold of a wooden post and search desperately for the reason I found earlier. “Tell me,” I demand. Reason is gone. Sense is gone. Or is it found?
“Philippa Maxwell is thirty-five years old, married with a little girl. Lives in Highspeck about sixty miles from Hampton. Dolly Blake is her mother. She lived alone for a few years after the death of her husband but dementia set in and she became progressively worse until she was moved into the care home six years ago by her daughters.”
“Luce, what does this have to do with Hannah?”
“Dolly’s other daughter, Katrina, died five years ago. Tragic death in the Bahamas. Body never found.”
“Five years ago,” I whisper, ice creeping into my veins.
“Yes. She was married to tech giant Jarrad Knight.”
“Fucking hell,” I breathe, putting Lucinda on loudspeaker and walking away from the cabin. I pull up Google and search for the article Jake found the other day, but this time I read it. And there it is. Reference to the tragic loss of his first wife five years ago. “Jesus.”
Lucinda hums her agreement to my shock. “I’ve just texted you a picture of Knight and his first wife.”
My phone dings, and I open Lucinda’s message. My knees instantly give, and I grab the side of my truck to hold myself up, the ground feeling like it’s disappeared from under me. The woman in the picture is beautiful. Long, dark hair. Perfectly flawless skin. Curves any man would kill to stroke. She’s expensive, dressed completely in black, jewels dripping from every part of her. She’s on a red carpet with Jarrad Knight, their arms linked, both of them smiling for the camera. But it’s not a genuine smile. It’s a smile for show.
“Do you recognize her?” Lucinda asks.
“You could say that,” I murmur, resting against the door of my truck, unable to rip my eyes away from the woman staring back at me. “I’m in love with her.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
FIVE YEARS AGO
Oh my God, I’ve never seen anything like it.” Katrina was absolutely mesmerized by the crystal waters before her. The hidden rock pool they’d discovered was beyond the realms of beauty.
“Well, now you have.” Jarrad swooped in behind her and circled her waist with his arms. “Isn’t your husband the most amazing man alive for bringing you to these places?”
“Truly amazing,” she said mindlessly, unable to comprehend the sheer magnificence. “I wish I had my paints with me.” She could lose herself for hours bringing this to life in watercolors.
“You and your painting,” Jarrad whispered in her ear, making her shiver. “There’s only one thing in the world I want you to be passionate about.” He nibbled at her lobe, squeezing her back tighter to his front. “And what’s that, darling?”
“You.” Her answer was automatic as she broke out of his hold, ignoring his disgruntled grumble. She took a few tentative steps down the rocks to the water.
“Be careful,” Jarrad called after her, his voice echoing off the stony walls of the cave. “We all know how clumsy you are.”
Katrina forced back her eye roll. “Come on, Hayley,” she sang, eager to explore the magical place. She knew exactly where she was heading, having researched the area endlessly after accidentally discovering that Jarrad had planned a surprise trip there. But nothing in the pictures she saw or the words she read did this place justice. It was breathtaking.
“Aren’t you hot?” Hayley asked as she followed Katrina down.
Katrina brushed off her friend’s observation with ease. It was habit to cover her body these days. “The sun’s strong today.”
“We’re in a cave.” Hayley laughed as they wadded through the crystal-clear water to the other side of the rock pool and climbed up onto the edge.
“Come on.” Katrina didn’t take a breath before starting up the rocks to the daylight she could see spilling through an opening up above.
“Shouldn’t we wait for the guys?” Hayley’s attention was split between their men and Katrina climbing swiftly up the rocks.
“They’ll catch up,” she called back.
Reluctantly, Hayley followed an eager Katrina, climbing up behind her.
“You two be careful,” Jarrad shouted, not far behind.
It only made Katrina smile and power on faster. When she reached the opening, she squinted. The sunlight spilling in was harsh on her eyes after being shrouded in dusky light for so long. “Oh my God, look at that.” The small tunnel led to an opening that was curtained by a wall of pouring water. It was perfect. Just as perfect as she’d seen in the pictures.
Katrina looked over her shoulder, mentally willing her friend on. “There’s a beautiful waterfall.” She took the few steps back and offered her hand to her friend, helping her up the last few steps. “It’s incredible.” She looked past Hayley to see the guys halfway up the rock face. She couldn’t wait for them; she was too desperate to get to the waterfall. So she hurried along the rocky passageway, the sound of rushing water getting louder until it was deafening. She took in every beautiful inch of the cave as she went, assessing the walls, the tunnels, every nook and cranny. Katrina could see the ground fall away a few yards ahead, and she knew Jarrad would be pissed off with her for getting too close to the edge. But…
Taking hold of the wall, she sidled gingerly toward the drop, losing her breath when she could finally see over the side. The fall was frightening, the bottom of the waterfall not even visible.
“Be careful!” Hayley shouted, but Katrina coul
d only just hear her over the roar of the water.
She looked back, seeing her friend halfway down the tunnel. “You have to see this,” she yelled.
“Wait for the guys,” Hayley ordered, as cautious as ever.
“Where are they?” They were taking so long. Good.
“I’ll check.” Hayley started taking backward steps, turning and dropping her eyes to the uneven ground beneath her feet. “Curtis! Jarrad!”
Katrina faced the water again, utterly spellbound. She peered around the space, bending to see a small opening at knee level. There were endless tunnels, some disappearing into blackness, some with light glowing at the end. Hearing voices behind her, she straightened and took one more step toward the edge, peeking over, feeling the water spraying her face. Her smile was huge. Probably the biggest it had been since she married Jarrad over six years ago.
She reached forward, stretching her arm to touch the water. She flinched at the coldness. But smiled even more.
A rock shifted beneath her foot, and she lost her footing. “Shit,” she breathed, her heart lurching. Katrina made a quick grab for the wall. “Oh my God,” she gasped, gingerly trying to steady her legs. She eventually stabilized herself, looking back down the tunnel for her friend and the men. Nothing. Yet she could hear them. They would be here soon. They would see her.
She took a deep breath, filling her lungs. “Jarrad!” she cried, feeling at the wall. It was smooth, polished, and slippery after hundreds of years of water flowing over it. She smiled. If she were to stumble, there would be nothing to grab onto. It would be easy for someone to lose their balance with all the uneven rocks on the ground, especially if someone was as clumsy as Katrina.
“Jarrad!” she cried out again, her body wetter from the spray as she moved closer to the edge, crouching a little to find what she knew was there.
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