"The Hannahs couldn't come," Kelly said as she joined me. "They're on a trip with their families to Iowa City."
At last everyone crowded into the dining room. No one looked at the ceiling, which meant they weren't expecting what was coming. That was fun. I asked Kelly to be Mehitable, and the girls let out a loud scream of approval.
My best friend took her place. And I brought in the remote-controlled llama. The squeal for that was even louder. Rex gently shook his head. I wasn't sure if that meant he didn't like the llama or we weren't getting married.
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.
It took a couple of attempts to get the llama into position. I stood by the wall with the little nail in it, next to the llama.
"I know who killed Mehitable Peters," I said dramatically, indicating Kelly.
I had their rapt attention now.
I reached up and cut a thin rope that was tied to the nail. The rope ran through a loop in the ceiling, underneath the axe handle where it connected to the axe-head, through another loop on the other side, then back to another loop above the butt of the handle, through the hole in the handle, and back to a knot in the second loop. As the rope released the front of the handle, the rubber axe came swinging down, clocking Kelly in the forehead. The last of the rope released from the final loop, and the whole axe came down.
"Mehitable had rigged the rope because someone was stealing food."
The faces around me looked confused, but I didn't have time to explain.
Pointing at the nail, I continued, "She tied the rope that went through the two loops, underneath the axe-head. Well, the neck really. The axe swung down, and the rope through the hole in the end of the axe fell away, making the whole axe fall to the floor."
Dr. Soo Jin's eyes grew wide, I think with excitement. I'd like to think it was with excitement. "She accidentally killed herself?"
I shook my head. "Nope. Tinkles chewed through the rope. And I'm guessing he ate the rest of the rope after the accident."
"The llama did it?" Edna shrieked.
I nodded. "In her diary Mehitable talks about Tinkles eating stuff inside the house, furniture, et cetera. She also says she did something to catch the thief. We know she had a camera rigged up to take a picture. There was the outline of something in a reflection in the picture. I'd be willing to bet when it comes back from the state police, we will see a picture of Tinkles."
I pointed at the nail and the llama. He (or she—I didn't think it polite to ask) was just the right height.
"She wasn't murdered?" Edna squeaked.
I immediately felt sorry for her. She'd been hoping for a juicy murder. Not death by an unwitting (unless the giant purple cat was behind it) pet.
"It's still a very interesting story. The llama that killed its owner," I said eagerly.
Edna kind of half nodded.
"I love it!" Soo Jin said.
Lauren spoke up. "Whoa. That's bad for Mad Mimi, but it's cool how she rigged that up."
I had to agree. We all turned to look at Rex.
He studied the apparatus, and Kelly lay down on the floor like she was dead. An action the girls appreciated.
"I think you're right, Wrath" was all he said.
While everyone celebrated and Caterina and Emily played with the remote-controlled llama, I was upset. Oh sure, I should be happy that I'd solved that case. But there was just one problem. Rex called me "Wrath." He only did that in professional situations.
Was I no longer "Merry"?
"That's crazy." Kelly stood next to me. "How did you figure it out?"
"It was the llama at the zoo eating twine, and the holes in the ceiling. They are just the right length to hold up an axe." I was talking to her but looking at Rex, who was engaged in conversation with the girls.
"Why's Rex mad at you?" Kelly followed my gaze.
"He found out it was me in the lion's pen." I told her the whole story, about the gold on my keys and the treasure inside the statue.
"The llama statue at Obladi Zoo was made of gold?" she cried.
All eyes turned to us to stare.
"That heavy thing from the basement?" Ronni scowled. "That's been there for years. The real estate agent told us it was too heavy to move, so none of the previous owners did. We got it out of here because we need the space"—she winked at Betty—"for the guts and eyeballs."
As stunned as I was to see Ronni wink, I picked it up. "Eustace had the gold. My guess is he figured out that Tinkles chewed through the rope and killed his sister. He didn't need it, or maybe didn't want it after this, so I think he had the statue made."
"But why?" Randi raised her hand, which was adorable. "Why not just spend it?"
I shrugged. "I think it was a tribute to his sister."
Edna piped up. "But what about the maps?"
"That, I'm not sure of," I answered. "Maybe he made them for fun for his kids? The map was on his farm. It could've been something entirely different. A game."
"I think that's a good explanation," Rex said, staring at me with a meaning I didn't get.
Maybe things weren't so bad after all. One murder down…one to go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
In spite of my amazing super sleuth skills, Rex avoided me. I spent the rest of the day, coasting on my laurels, and the next depressed because it was possible I'd blown my relationship with the man I was supposed to marry.
How did this go so wrong? Oh. Right. I was an idiot. A woman who couldn't give up the thrill of the chase. Susan had pointed out to me a short while ago that my career had ended abruptly and too early. I'd gone from exotic galas in Warsaw and deadly shootouts in Austria to Girl Scout camp in Who's There.
Not that I was complaining. I loved my troop. They restored my sense of fun and possibly encouraged me in my secret exploits. But being chased through the streets of Rio by a Bolivian hit man was more exciting than learning how to make a bowline hitch knot.
I was flunking adulthood.
To be fair, things just sort of happened to me. As far as dead bodies went. The fact that I didn't leave things to the professionals was where I needed some work. And now my fiancé, the detective whose cases these were, knew I wouldn't give up.
Was I an adrenaline junkie? If so, it made sense that the only adrenaline I'd found in my small hometown was related to dangerous murderers. That wasn't normal. Why couldn't I be like Kelly or Soo Jin (maybe especially Soo Jin)?
At this point, with my wedding five months away, the dress ordered and things falling into place, I needed to analyze my feelings.
Did I love Rex? Yes. Enough to spend the rest of my life with him? Yes. Enough to move in with him and sell my house?
I couldn't answer that. Seemed to me if I couldn't answer that simple question, I wasn't ready to get married. Then again, Rex and I had dated two years before he popped the question. That seemed like a reasonable length of time to figure out what I wanted.
Did I want to marry Rex?
Philby had been staring at me for hours. I was pretty sure she hadn't blinked once during that whole time.
"What do you think?" I asked her.
She lifted her considerable bulk and walked over to me. Martini was asleep, on her back, folded over the armrest of the couch.
"Well?" I pressed the feline führer. "I know you have an opinion."
Philby sat down next to me and threw up on my lap. The noise startled Martini awake, but it didn't last. Then, my cat farted and walked away.
My Hitler cat thought I was an idiot too.
I went to my bedroom and changed my clothes, returning to find the very last person I wanted to see today.
Riley.
"Why are you in my house?"
He smiled and patted the seat on the couch next to him. I took a seat in the chair opposite.
"I just wanted to tell you that I've decided to retire. And I've rented office space. It'll take a few months to get my license. And then I'll open up shop."
M
y jaw dropped. "You were serious?" Riley was rarely serious about anything, and that included the time when he was "dating" a receptionist at the Ukrainian Embassy who tried to kill him with a sharpened curling iron.
Riley smiled and leaned back on the couch. He even managed to avoid the wet spot where Philby had barfed.
"I'm tired of all this government crap. There's a lot going on around here. You're solving one-hundred-year-old murders and dodging lions. Even life as a Fed isn't that interesting."
I folded my arms over my chest. "How did you know about the lions?"
He had the nerve to wink. "That is one perk of being in the FBI—we have access to surveillance that most police don't even have. Satellites."
My eyes nearly popped out of my head—which wouldn't have been a good look for me.
"You saw what happened?"
He nodded.
"Can I get a copy of that?" I asked.
Riley laughed out loud. "You really aren't ready for a domestic life, are you?"
My eyes narrowed. "It just so happens you're wrong. Because I don't know what I'm ready for."
He held up his hands defensively. "Alright, alright. Don't get mad. I'm just here because I have a proposition for you."
That was all I needed. A proposition from an ex-boyfriend just as I was trying to save my relationship with Rex.
"It's not what you think." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "It's a job. I was wondering if you'd want to work for me."
I stared at him. I didn't see that coming.
"I don't want to interfere with your life. But I know the local police and sheriff's department have warned you off their cases. As an investigator, you'd be legitimate."
"Legitimately crazy, you mean," I said.
He got up and handed me a business card. "Think about it. It'll be about three months before I'm ready."
I scowled. "I thought it took a year to get certified." Not that I'd looked into that…or anything.
"Six months minimum usually." He grinned. "I have a friend who is moving my application with the private investigator licensing services bureau. She said with my experience with the CIA and FBI, it's a no-brainer."
"Already schmoozing pretty girls to get what you want?"
Riley smiled as he walked to the door. "Just think about it. I'll be in touch."
As he left, I turned the card over.
Son of a bimbo! He wasn't opening up an office in Des Moines! This address was for Main Street Who's There!
Whether I wanted the job or not, I was going to kill him.
This was followed by a polite knock on the door. Rex stood there holding out a large envelope and a long box.
"I thought you'd want to return these to Edna Lou," he said casually. "You were right. The analysis of the photo showed a distinct llama shape in the reflection. And there was rope in the handle's hole."
"Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?" Why did I say that? I didn't have coffee. And Rex knew it.
He shook his head. "I should get back. By the way—was that Riley Andrews I saw driving off?"
"Yeah," I said. "He just dropped by to say he's retiring from the FBI." There was no way I was telling Rex about Riley's scheme or job offer.
He ran his hand through his hair. "Look, Merry, I'm not trying to avoid you. I just need some time to process things."
I swallowed hard. "Of course. I understand."
He said goodbye, and as I closed the door, I felt terrible. What was I going to do if he decided to break off the wedding?
No! I wasn't going to think about that. I scooped up my keys, the axe, and the envelope. At least taking these things to Edna would cheer me up.
The cabin door was open when I got to the park. Angry voices argued inside. I walked in, and to my complete surprise, saw Penelope May and Edna Lou squaring off. The younger woman was larger than the elderly historian and outweighed her by at least fifty pounds. Fists were clenched. Faces were red.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded.
Penelope May must be trying to shake down Edna Lou to see if she knew where the rest of the gold was.
"Stay out of this," the woman growled.
Her eyes froze on me in what looked like recognition. I hoped she didn't remember me from Ike's house.
"You leave this woman alone!" I stepped between her and Edna Lou. "I know you killed Ike and made off with a few of his gold bars!"
This made the woman freeze. It was as if I was accusing her of stealing from widows and orphans. The look of incredulity on her face brought me up short.
"Edna?" I turned to look at the older woman. "Are you okay? Did she hurt you?"
Edna looked past me with an expression of alarm just before my head exploded with pain and everything went black.
* * *
"…a terrible idea," a muffled voice said through a gauzy veil of pain. It might have been something else like a terrible hyena or something about IKEA. The voices were far off, and my head felt like it had been run over by a truck.
It was dark, and I was tied, ankles to wrists, on a floor. A sliver of light at the far wall told me I was in a room and someone was just outside the door.
At least I wasn't in with lions again…wait… I sniffed the air and listened closely. It didn't seem like I was in with the big cats. The worst would be to be in a room with monkeys. I didn't like monkeys.
Oh sure, you're wondering why, since I'm obviously enamored with animals. Not monkeys. Of any type. I even avoided the monkey house at the zoo.
It wasn't that I was afraid of them. I wasn't saying I wasn't afraid of anything, because I was afraid of a lot, really. Things like asphyxiation, something happening to my cats, Betty armed with a flamethrower…the usual stuff.
I just didn't like monkeys, especially chimpanzees. Chimps will hunt, kill, and eat their own. They are notoriously dangerous and have no problem flinging crap in your general direction. And don't get me started about pictures of chimps in business suits. Shudder.
Owwww! My head throbbed just to think about it. I remembered getting clocked by Penelope May. Did she hurt Edna Lou? Because if she did, I was going to kill her.
That would really mess things up with Rex. He wouldn't like it if I was a murderous felon. He'd definitely call the wedding off for that.
I hated being hog-tied with my ankles and wrists behind me. First of all, it hurts. Secondly, I wasn't that flexible, and third, it was really hard to escape from. Lying on my side, my shoulders and quads burning, I tried to touch the ropes that held me. Yup. Good, strong knots. Probably a bowline. You know, in my few years as a scout leader, I never could master that one. The only girls in my troop who did were Lauren and Betty.
Did Lauren and Betty kidnap me? Whoa. I really was brained if I thought that. My girls loved me. Well, they put up with me.
I strained at my bonds and was rewarded with searing pain. Any movement tugged on my extremities in a very unpleasant way. Penelope was strong. I wondered where she'd learned to hog-tie a person like that. Maybe she was a rodeo clown. I always thought rodeo clowns were shifty. Like they were just biding their time.
"Where's the gold?" Penelope's voice came through loud and clear.
Oh no! Was she torturing Edna Lou? I hoped not. It wasn't dangerous intel. The police had the llama statue. There was no way Penelope was getting that. Unless she was going for a trade.
And being engaged to the one police detective in town made me an excellent victim. Would Rex trade the gold llama for me? Sadly, I was sure that ship had sailed. As I slid into a self-pity fest that would impress a tween drama queen, I was fearful for Edna.
That woman was so frail, hitting her even lightly might kill her. And there were so many things the two of us hadn't done yet—like find out if we were related, tracing our family tree, picking wildflowers in a meadow in springtime…
My concussion was making me delirious. Or concussions. I'd had a lot of those lately. Maybe I should start wearing a bicycle helmet.
I shook it off, causing another surge of pain in my joints. I really had to stop doing that. It was time to think. I needed an escape plan.
"Noooooooooo!" Edna Lou wailed from the other room.
I was running out of time.
Okay, there had to be something else in this room—something I could use to cut through the rope. But how to get around? I wasn't in the most convenient position to roll or scoot across the floor.
Once again, I strained at the ropes, ignoring the pain that came with it. And that was when I noticed it. My right ankle was coming loose. Penelope the rodeo clown didn't do as good a job as she thought.
With considerable effort and pain, I wiggled my ankle, and after what seemed like a lifetime of someone hitting my joints with a sledgehammer, I pulled it free. I had one leg free!
Which wasn't much help at all. It was dark, but I bet I looked like the letter P. The thought made me giggle. The giggle turned into hysterical laughter. My many concussions were causing me to giggle at the worst times. Like during a piano recital, or wedding, or when you're undercover as a nun at a funeral in Uruguay.
Suddenly it all seemed like one big joke. My life, my relationships, my lack of any sort of job, everything. It didn't matter what happened to me because I was an idiot who put my own life in danger too many times. Eventually the odds got you. Every time.
Like Edna Lou, who was searching for decades for the treasure she thought her ancestor had a claim to—only to find that the gold was in a llama statue in the basement of the old Peters place all along.
Like me, finding out I might be a McMurtry, just like Edna Lou, and a possible descendant of the Peters family. Like Mehitable and Penelope, who looked like me because of a possible family resemblance…
A lightbulb went off in my head. The fog of pain lifted, and I became intensely aware of all the events that led up to this moment.
A lightbulb literally went on overhead as, from my sideways position on the floor, Penelope walked into the room and loomed over me.
"Got a leg free, eh?" She smiled but made no move to retie my ankle.
Map Skills Murder Page 18
