by Pamela Morsi
“You don’t seem to know the kids very well,” he said. “I thought maybe your daughter grew up with your ex-husband.”
Red opened her mouth to answer, but then took a moment to reply more carefully.
“My daughter grew up with me,” she said. “But Bridge and the kids, they have their own life. And I have mine.”
“Did you and your daughter have some kind of falling-out?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” Red insisted. “We just don’t have much in common.”
Cam chuckled. “Oh yeah, right. Nothing except two kids who need you.”
Red shook her head and waved away his interpretation as they continued down the street.
“Look, I know you’re pissed off that I lied to you about Bridge and the kids, but I wasn’t hiding anything. It’s just that a time to discuss the subject didn’t come up.”
“It didn’t come up because you deliberately didn’t bring it up,” Cam said.
“And when would have been a good time?” Red asked. “In the middle of ‘oh baby, oh baby, yes, yes,’ I should just throw in, ‘by the way, I have a daughter and two grandchildren.’”
“So in the last five months that we’ve been together there wasn’t any time when we weren’t in the middle of having sex?” he asked.
“Darling, that’s a good thing,” Red answered, trying to make a joke of it. Cam wasn’t amused.
“Don’t pretend that we’re just sex buddies,” he said.
Red feigned incredulity. “Don’t pretend we’re anything else,” she countered.
Cam’s mouth thinned into one unhappy line and he kept his glance straight ahead.
Red forced a carefree jaunt to her step. She’d hurt him. She knew it. But it was for the best and now it was done. She’d pushed him away. And the emptiness she felt inside, that would pass. It always did. He’d find someone else. Someone younger who could give him a couple of kids to raise. That woman would make him give up music for a real job and keep him home at night. That’s what he needed, anyway. And Red, well, she’d keep the kids until Mike got there and then she’d move on. There was always another cowboy willing to give her a ride.
Ahead at the end of the block was the San Antonio Central Library. Built in the early 1990s in the unique architectural style described as Mexican Modernist, it would have been striking enough just in its design. But the building had also been painted enchilada red, a true splash of color in a neighborhood of muted gray. Many locals had initially been taken aback, but time had mellowed the paint and venerated the walls and angles to the point where most in the city would say, That’s what a library is supposed to look like.
Cam and Red waited with the children at the crosswalk and then followed them through the Garden of Spheres and along the colonnade, not speaking.
Red wished she could have saved the breakup for the walk home. She didn’t want to be with him now. She didn’t want to see him after it was over. And she didn’t understand why he didn’t just take off. That’s what she would have done, walk away. It would save everybody these uncomfortable, uneasy moments afterward. Cam should know that. Apparently he didn’t. He stayed at her side.
The kids ran inside the building on their own. The two adults had to rush to keep up with them.
“Where are we going?” Red asked.
“Third floor,” Olivia answered. “That’s the kid area. Have you never been in the library before?”
Red didn’t answer that. Instead, she followed her grandchildren to the elevator and up to the Juvenile Books section. There, the two split off in opposite directions. Daniel was on his knees on a brightly colored mat, looking though the contents of a low-rise bookshelf. Olivia crossed the room to seat herself in front of a computer and immediately began typing something in.
Red stood, ill at ease, with Cam at her side.
“You don’t have to stay,” she said finally. “We can find our way back.”
He turned and, with a raised eyebrow, glanced at her. “I thought you said it was a dangerous neighborhood?”
“I was wrong about that,” she answered. “It seemed fine when we walked through it.”
“Still, I wouldn’t want you and the kids to be alone,” he said.
“I actually prefer it that way,” she said, turning to glare at him with challenge. “I found out a long time ago that there are just very few things that I actually need a man for. Moving a heavy refrigerator is one. Another is...well, stamina in the bedroom, that I have to admit you are very good at. But herding a couple of kids, that’s what women do. Men should just go on about their business.”
He nodded slightly and there was a smile on his face, but it had nothing to do with humor.
“So let me get this straight,” he said. “You don’t have anything heavy to move and it’s probably a bad idea for me to lead you behind the bookshelves for a quick screw. Therefore I can just leave.”
“Yes.”
He shook his head. “Well, you’re underestimating my abilities. Who’s going to translate all those English-language picture books for little Mr. Unilingual?”
“I can read to Daniel.”
“I doubt if he would let you,” Cam said, flapping his fingers against his thumbs as he’d done for the children earlier. “Talk to the hands.”
To: [email protected]
August 23 11:03 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Don't Worry
THIS RED PERSON IS WEIRD! Sorry. Know that was rude. And becuz shes your parent I have to be nice to her. Just wanna let ya know that D & me are OK. Her place is a bar, Mom. She says you knew that. True? Did you live there? Ewww. Totally gross.
D calls her Abuela Mala. TOO FUNNY! TOO TRUE! She doesnt know anything. She hasnt said nothing about food. I know Daniel is hungry and I am starfing. I looked in her fridge and there is nothing but a jar of mayo. How is she going to feed us on a jar of mayo? She doesnt know we have to buckle-up and she thinks that we dont need our stuff. I made her come here to the library. I dont think shes ever been here before. Maybe she cant read. How is she going to help us with our homework. If we have homework. She doesnt know anything about school. Not even where one is.
Daniel is only speaking Spanish so he wont have to talk to her. I wish I thought of that.
But she does have a cute boyfriend. I think I hate her. I dont like to hate people. But she is weird and she is strange looking. Her skin is as white as like a vampire or something. And the hair, yuk.
Daniel is afraid of her. He is trying to disappear again. When Abuela got sick and the ambulance and everything it really scared him. I told him it's not like Buttercup. A cat can get sick and die but Abuela is in a hospital and they will make her better. He says he believes me, but he thinks that maybe he was bad or broke a rule so God took away Abuela and gave him Abuela Mala as a punishment. HE IS SUCH A BABY!
I wish you were here. But I know that you have to be there to help make sure that the soldiers that get hurt get better. A soldier has to do her duty. So I will try to do mine too. But I miss you. So does Daniel.
But don't worry about us. Everything is fine.
Livy
5
Cam stayed at the library, mostly talking to Daniel and Olivia, then walked home with the kids, pointing out the sites in the neighborhood and answering questions. Red trailed behind them, feeling very much not a part of the action.
She watched Cam with the kids with an amazement that bordered on envy. He was so comfortable with them and they seemed to relax, as if this were just a normal day and an adventurous outing.
It’s because he’s practically a child himself, she thought unkindly. But she refrained from saying anything to anyone, aware that her sour mood would not be welcome.
When they crossed the bridge Daniel tried to quiz Cam about the naranjanos.
“I don’t know that word,” Cam admitted.
“He means all the orange construction markers,” Olivia explained.
> “Oh, that’s the expansion of the river,” Cam told them. “Have you been on the boats down on the River Walk?”
Both children nodded eagerly.
“Mom took us and our abuela for a special dinner at Casa Real. Then we rode the water taxi over to Rivercenter Mall,” Olivia recalled.
“I love to do that,” Cam admitted. “And now they’re going to dig the river out and make it deeper and wider along here. That way, the boats can come all the way up the river to the art museum, and even as far as that big building, way up in the distance.”
They all looked north as Cam pointed to the shiny mansard roof tower of the old Pearl Brewery.
“So we could take a boat all the way to her bar?” Olivia asked.
Cam nodded. “You’ll be able to float right up to your grandma’s back door,” he said.
“Wow,” the two youngsters responded in awed unison.
Red couldn’t keep her mouth shut after that.
“That’s twenty years away, if it happens at all,” she told them. “You’ll both be as grown-up as Cam by then.”
Cam gave her a strange, puzzled look, but it was Olivia who spoke.
“We’ll still get to do it,” she said a bit more sharply than little girls are normally allowed. “Even if we’re as old as you.”
Daniel seconded her statement with an unpleasant glare.
That interaction generally set the tone for the next couple of days. Red did what she could to keep the kids fed and entertained. The two seemed only barely able to tolerate her existence.
They had their Game Boys and a color TV in the apartment, but their schedule was all wrong for Red. They were up with the sun, running loose outside. She had no choice but to supervise them, so she groggily sat in a chair, trying to keep her eyes open.
And Saturday night, in the middle of the second set, Red glanced up from the cash register to see Olivia in her pink pony pajamas walking through the bar.
“You’re not supposed to be down here,” Red scolded. “It’s against the law to have minors in a business serving alcohol. I could lose my liquor license.”
“It’s noisy, and I can’t sleep,” Olivia complained. “Daniel can’t, either. You need to send all these people home!”
Red had Karl take over. She eased her granddaughter back through the crowd and upstairs, then sat in the dark with the two restless children for nearly an hour as the sounds below penetrated the walls of the little apartment.
This was just not going to work. How was she supposed to handle this? She had a business to run and a life to live. She was no good with kids. People like her should never have kids! And they should definitely never be put in charge of other people’s kids.
The two dark-haired children finally slept. Red tiptoed out of the apartment and down the stairs.
The band had finished for the night and the crowd had thinned. The noise was all laughter and tinkling glasses. Up on the stage, the guys were packing up their equipment. Brian was surrounded by his usual pack of pretty college girls, barely dressed and incessantly giggling. Tonight, however, one young brunette had ventured away from the group and was talking with Cam.
Or rather she was talking to Cam. The young woman seemed to be bubbling over with enthusiasm as she chattered.
Red stepped back into the stairway shadows. She didn’t want to be seen watching him, but she found it very difficult to look away. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the body language spoke volumes. The pretty girl held her hands behind her back as if she intended to offer herself to him. As she laughed, she leaned toward Cam—which served the double duty of getting her closer to him and allowing him an easy look down the front of her blouse.
Jealousy shot through Red’s veins like a fire igniting a combustible substance.
How dare that little twit try her way-too-practiced moves on Cam! Then, like a rush of cold water, Red remembered that she’d let him go. No, she hadn’t just let him go, she’d pushed him away. She’d said she wanted him to find someone else.
Well, okay, she thought, but I shouldn’t have to watch it! Immediately she walked to the bottom of the stairs and shut the gate behind her as noisily as possible. Without even a glance in their direction, she went straight through the back door and into the bar. At least let him have the good sense to take his love life elsewhere, she thought.
She stood on her box behind the cash register for the rest of the evening, talking, joking, ringing up tabs and making change. The night felt overlong. She was tired and the stragglers stayed late. She let the waitresses leave and finally it was only her and Karl.
He cleaned the bar while she totaled up. Then he did a quick walkthrough to make sure everything was secure.
“That’s it,” he told her. “You want to lock up behind me?”
“Sure,” she said, stepping down from her perch. “Thanks, Karl. You’d better get home and start sleeping or you’ll miss your whole Sunday off.”
The big man chuckled. “Hey, this is my weekend. I’m not going home to sleep, I’m going out to party.”
“That proves that you’re younger than me,” Red told him. “Now, get out of here.”
They both laughed as she double-locked the front door and pulled the iron crossbar down into place. She went back to her tallies, but the peace and quiet of the place was not as serene as it should be. Without the noise and laughter and music, Red’s Hot Honky-Tonk was just a sad old building that reeked of stale beer. Owning her own place had been a dream so improbable that the accomplishment of it seemed magical. But the night-to-night reality of the bar was no fairy tale. It was standing on your feet and smiling about it for ten hours. It was a lot of ordinary nights, but many that included mean drunks, crazed kids or enraged spouses. After she paid her rent, utilities and her staff, she had to come up with cash to compensate the bands. And she had to compete for the better ones with larger, more lucrative venues as far away as Austin.
Still, Red was unwilling to whine about her success. Of the things she’d done to support herself and her child, there were many that she hoped would never be made known. Running a honky-tonk was something that she did proudly.
As soon as she finished her counting and totaled up the bank deposit for Monday, she squatted behind the bar and got the floor safe open. She was putting the money inside when she heard something out on the patio.
She startled slightly and called out, “Who’s there?” Immediately she thought of Olivia in the pink pony pajamas, unable to sleep again.
“Sweetie, is that you?” she asked.
“Yes, it is,” Cam answered. “Though you haven’t called me ‘sweetie’ any time that I can remember.”
Red finished her task without responding. When the safe was locked, she rose to her feet. He was leaning against the other side of the bar. In the dim light she could see that he wasn’t smiling.
“I didn’t know you were here,” she told him. “Karl did a walk through and said that everybody had cleared out.”
Cam shrugged. “I’m sure he didn’t consider me just one of the customers.”
“Well, he should have because I said everything that I want to say to you this afternoon.”
Cam nodded. “I heard you,” he assured her. “You made it plain. I’m not your confidant. You don’t want to share your life with me. You don’t even think I need to know basic facts about you, like do you have a family. That’s all crystal clear.” His words were matter-of-fact, but Red could still hear the tinge of anger in them.
“But you also said we were sex buddies,” he pointed out. “So, it’s Saturday night. I’m here for sex.”
Red wiped her hands unnecessarily on a bar towel. She was stalling. She didn’t want to have a big breakup, but she couldn’t imagine what other course of action to take. He already knew too much. He was already aware of her weaknesses. She never let men get the upper hand and she wouldn’t now. Calmly and determinedly, she walked around the bar to confront him. Hands on her hips, she was delib
erately snide.
“Look, cowboy, you got a piece on Thursday night,” she said crudely. “I’m over forty. I don’t need it as often as the young girls do. What happened to your little coed gone wild? Wouldn’t she put out?”
It was deliberate baiting.
Cam smiled, but without humor. “Oh, I did her already,” he answered. “It was completely unsatisfying. You know those young girls. They just think once they let you shove it in, they’ve got nothing to do but pant and wiggle until it’s over.” In a shocked and jealous rage, Red reacted before she thought, reaching out to slap him.
Expecting the move, Cam caught her arm before her hand connected with his face. In one smooth, strong motion he turned her and drew her against him, her back to his chest, his hands grasping her wrists to protect them both from her angry flailing.
“How dare you come to me after another woman,” Red screeched at him.
He held her fast and tenderly pressed his face against her neck as he whispered the truth in her ear.
“I haven’t been with another woman since the day I met you,” he said. “I don’t want to be with another woman. I only want you.”
Red realized then that he had tricked her. He’d made her react, acknowledge the possessiveness that she felt.
“I don’t care who you sleep with!” she declared, but it was too late.
He continued to hold her against him, but there was no force in his embrace. It was all tenderness.
“The coed was just a silly girl with a crush on the fiddle player,” he said. “Why would I be interested in a silly girl when I’ve already got a smart woman?”
“You don’t have me, cowboy,” Red insisted. “I belong to myself and nobody but myself.”
“Don’t push me away, Red,” he told her. “I know you’re angry, but don’t use that as an excuse to push me away.”
“I’m not angry! Why would I be angry?”
He loosened his grip and turned her to face him. “Because you like having everything under control,” he said. “You’ve made your world pretty small in order to manage that. But now the outside has come flooding in.”
