Before she'd left, I asked her the natural question, knowing I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth but needing to ask anyway. I had to know. Why now? Why, after years apart, was she willing to walk away amicably now?
Her answer? Uncharacteristically philosophical for a woman who cared more about the outside of people than the inside. "This is a chance for us to be happy, Cassian. Take it and don't look back."
Looking back was what I'd done for so long I wasn't sure I knew how to look ahead anymore. My life since that night I caught her and my brother together had been one long look back wishing what I'd believed was real. Every woman I'd slept with since then had been an effort to avoid looking forward to a future I didn't want to admit.
In some way, never divorcing Rachel meant never having to move on. As wrong as that was, it was also comforting. A meaningless marriage, it still gave me an excuse not to get serious about anyone. Somewhere deep inside I'd always known it was a cop out, but it was safe.
Then Olivia came along and safe went out the window.
I had a choice to make. I could either spend my life alone, sleeping with women for what they gave me physically, or I could listen to that voice inside me that had been whispering that same refrain since nearly the minute I'd met her.
She could be the one.
* * *
Kane sat in his office doing whatever the hell he did during the day. I tapped on the door, unable to contain my curiosity anymore. He looked up from his laptop and shot me a casual glance as he closed it.
"Stefan told me what Ciara Danson said."
"Yeah, it turned out pretty much how I thought it would. I think the only reason she didn't offer to fuck me right there in her cubicle was because Olivia was with me, though. That woman's got desperate written all over her."
"So you took care of it?"
"Fucking Ciara?"
I stood silently staring at him, not in the mood for brotherly ass busting. "The article."
"All taken care of, Cash. Club X is safe again."
"Good."
Stretching his arms above his head, Kane laced his fingers together and cracked his knuckles. "And I took care of Jake Richfield too, but that was more for fun than anything else. Men who hit women are fucking scumbags. They need to be taught a lesson."
"Good."
"What about Shank? What does he have to say about all of this?"
"He's coming by later, so we'll have to see."
He waited for me to speak again, but I simply nodded and turned to leave. As much as I wanted to know what, if anything, Olivia had said to him, I couldn't bring myself to ask.
"Do you still have an assistant? I didn't see her when I got back."
"I don't know."
"You should have known she wouldn't do that to you or us, Cash. Not all women are like Rachel. For what it's worth, I like Olivia. She's genuine. That can't be said about many people anymore."
"Yeah."
"Maybe it's time to let go of the past."
I looked at him, surprised at his words. "You're going to tell me to let go of the past?"
"This isn't about me, Cash. I fight to escape my past every day. It seems like you're happy to be stuck there."
"Thanks, Kane. I'll see you later."
"My pleasure. Advice is always free."
* * *
John Sheridan strolled into my office about an hour later with a look on his ugly face that told me he thought our recent misstep with Ciara Danson gave him the upper hand. Taking a seat in front of my desk, he leaned back and shook his head. "Fucking female reporter. You know she's got a record? Petty theft or some kind of bullshit like that."
"Give me a minute, John. I want my brothers here for this." I picked up the phone and told Kane to come down to my office. Stefan's phone just rang until his damn voicemail picked up, as usual. He was probably in his office fucking some girl.
"No problem. Better if we're all on the same page anyway."
Kane showed up quickly but had no idea where Stefan was. It didn't matter. It wasn't like he had any real part in anything that involved Shank anyway. Taking a seat next to the cop, Kane looked across my desk at me and gave me a knowing smile. We'd been through enough of these meetings that he sensed my distaste for them and Shank.
"Stefan is out at the moment, John, so let's get started. Can we still count on your help with the police?" I asked, figuring it was best to take the bull by the horns. If he wanted more money or some other perk, we might as well get it all out on the table now.
"That reporter bitch could have made things difficult for me, Cassian. Thank God it disappeared so quickly."
I smiled at my half-brother, agreeing for once with Shank. "That was Kane's handiwork, thankfully."
Shank turned his head and looked at Kane. Chuckling, he said, "Well, thank Kane then. You work fast, son."
"I know my job."
"So how are things looking on your end, John? Can we still count on you?"
Shank twisted his hideous face into an expression that made it seem like he was thinking for a moment about what I asked. I had a feeling he might want an increase in the twenty thousand we gave him every month, but he'd stick to our agreement.
"I think I can see my way to making sure my fellow cops don't have this place on their radar, but you need to make sure things like that article don't happen. I think it's going to be slightly more to make sure things stay cool, though."
I shot Kane a glance and then turned my attention back to Shank. "How much?"
"Another five grand will do it, I think."
Five thousand more wasn't exactly good news, but we needed Shank's protection, and until we found some other means of keeping the police off our backs, whatever he wanted would be what he got.
"Fine. Five thousand it is."
Shank got up to leave and clapped Kane on the shoulder. "Good to see you two again, and Cassian, thank you for giving my little girl a job. She tells me she loves it already."
"She does?" I shot a look at Kane to see if he'd met Shank's daughter yet and he shook his head. I hadn't met her, so how could she be working for us already?
"Oh yeah. She tells me Stefan is taken good care of her."
The idea of Stefan's brand of taking care of someone sent a chill down my spine. Fucking around with Shank's daughter was the last thing I needed him to do. Plastering a smile on my face, I nodded and prayed that my brother wasn't doing anything that would cost us more money or worse, our lives.
"Good to hear it. Until next month, John."
"Until next month."
I waited until he left the building and turned to Kane. "I didn't hire his daughter. Did you check her out?"
Kane shook his head. "No. I would have noticed someone with the last name Sheridan."
"Fucking Stefan! We need to find him now."
Kane took out his cell phone and called him, but like his office phone, there was no answer on his cell either. Only God knew where he was or what he was up to.
"I don't know, Cash. If he's fucking around with Shank's daughter, we're going to have bigger problems than some minor league reporter."
"Have you seen anyone new behind the bar?"
"No, but then again, I haven't been paying attention. Have you?"
Rubbing my temples to ease the headache already making my eyes hurt, I admitted, "No. I've been a bit preoccupied."
Kane smiled at my allusion to Olivia. "Making any progress? Has she at least agreed to come back to work?"
"Yeah, she'll be back on Monday."
"Just as your assistant?"
Nodding, I tried to make it seem like that was good enough. "Yeah. I think it'll be fine."
He said nothing, but I saw in his eyes that he knew having her back in my life as my assistant would never be enough for me. With all that I had to handle with Stefan and Shank and everything in the club, I never needed what Olivia offered more. I just had to hope someday soon she'd take me back.
I entered Olivia's
office and found her busy at work on her laptop like she'd been every day since she returned to her position as my assistant a week before. Each day I watched her arrive at eleven and thought about finally talking about what happened between us—not the Ciara Danson bullshit but how I'd stupidly jumped to the wrong conclusion and shut her out like only I could. But I hadn't said a thing about it, instead letting each day pass with not a word between us other than work talk.
She looked up from her computer and gave me a forced smile that never reached her eyes. "Do you need something, Cassian?"
Her tone told me she could do icy as well as I could. Fuck, being shut out stung. My walls shot up around me, like they always did when I sensed I could be hurt. I should have fought to say something to her, but I just shook my head and walked away back into my office.
I couldn't go on like this much longer. I spent every waking minute thinking about her. I missed the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, everything that made her so different from everyone else in my life.
But whatever I did to get her back had to be right. It had to show her how much she meant to me since telling her wasn't going to be enough after what I'd done.
Just before nine, I heard Olivia close her office door. Unlike so many nights before, she didn't peek her head in to say goodnight. I watched from my desk as she walked into the club and my chest ached from how empty I felt without her in my life.
Stefan came in just as she faded from view. As always, he was the last person I wanted to see. Before he could sit down, I held my hand up to stop him. "I'm leaving, so whatever you want will have to wait."
He ignored my warning and sat down anyway. Leaning forward to rest his forearms on my desk, he said, "I know. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
A parade of ideas as to what he was sorry for marched through my mind. With Stefan, I never knew. "What are you talking about, Stefan?"
Looking down at the floor, he answered quietly, "Rachel. I'm sorry, Cash."
A flash of rage tore through me. Now he wanted to apologize? "What's this about, little brother? For five years you didn't seem to need to apologize. Now you feel the need to?"
Stefan looked up at me and grimaced. "I never meant to hurt you. I don't know why it happened. I know it should have never happened."
"Why are you telling me this now? Because Rachel and I are getting divorced? You want her? Feel free."
He shook his head. "No. We were never anything permanent. By the time you two fell apart, we were done. I just saw how this Olivia thing affected you and wanted to say I was sorry for what I did."
I moved from behind my desk to stand in front of him. "Stefan, Rachel and I didn't fall apart. You and she tore us apart."
Looking up at me with the same look he always gave our mother to get out of trouble, he nodded. "I know. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I thought you should know I'm sorry."
He stood to his full height, still two inches shorter than my six foot two inches, and stuck out his hand. I stared down at it in amazement, unsure what he expected me to do. "So we're going to shake on it and then what? We're all good?"
"Jesus, Cash. How long are you going to let this eat you up? I fucked up. I know. You'll never trust me again. I get it. But Christ, you're moving on with Olivia. You can't move on with me?"
Ignoring how wrong he was about Olivia, I snapped at him, "You sleep with my wife and I'm supposed to move on. Is that right? Let me guess. You have some bullshit excuse like our father never loved you like he loved me. Was that it?"
"Says the son who the sun rose and fucking set on. You get to be Cassian March IV, the heir to our father's name, and I get to be Stefan, the spare."
"So this is your apology for sleeping with my wife and ruining my marriage? You felt unloved by our father, so you thought fucking my wife would make up for that?" I barked at him, not believing what I was hearing.
"Whatever. You wouldn't understand. You're the son who always got everything."
I cocked back my arm to finally pummel the fuck out of his face, to finally live out that dream I'd had night after night for months after finding out what he'd done to betray me. I'd played out in my mind over and over what I wanted to do to make him suffer like he'd made me suffer. Now, though, other than wanting to lay him out like I used to when we were teenagers, I couldn't bring myself to keep my anger at him alive anymore.
I didn't hit him. Even though I hated his bullshit "Daddy never loved me enough" excuse, I stopped myself. Instead, I gave him the forgiveness I hoped Olivia would give me. Lowering my hand, I said, "Maybe it is time to move on, Stefan. You're my brother, my blood. I can't go on hating you."
"See? I knew you couldn't stay angry at me forever," he said with that stupid smile on his face. "Don't worry. I won't ever do it again."
Leveling my gaze on him, I let my anger out one last time. "I swear to God if you ever try anything with Olivia, I'll kill you, Stefan."
The smile slowly slid from his face, and he raised his hands in front of him as he backed up toward the door. "I get it. I won't fuck up again. "
I walked around to sit down behind my desk, exhausted by Stefan's need for confession and Olivia's unwillingness to forgive me. Closing my laptop, I thought about what I could do to get her back. Day after day, the pain of missing her had grown until my chest felt empty and hollow.
"Cash, you okay?"
Looking up, I nodded at Stefan and forced a smile. "Yeah. I'm fine."
"If this is what love makes a man look like, I don't ever want it. You look shit, big brother."
"Thanks."
"She still won't forgive you? You know, you have this coming. You do that shut everyone out thing that you don't realize how much it bothers people."
"Don't you have a club to run or some bartender to molest?"
"I was just trying to give some brotherly advice. Thought I could help."
This was the second time in a week my brothers thought their advice was warranted. "You too? First Kane and then you with the advice on my personal life."
Stefan twisted up his expression. "Don't listen to Kane, whatever you do. What would he know about love?"
I thought about everything I knew about my half-brother's life before we'd begun working together at the club. "I'd say a whole lot more than you. The man did time for a woman he loved. I don't think you can make the same claim."
My younger brother snorted his disgust at Kane's chivalry. "Thank God! Like I'd ever go to prison for any reason, especially love. And if that's what love does to a man, fuck that. Look at you and him. He's done time and you're more miserable than I'd ever seen you. You two should do what I do—avoid love like the plague. It's does nothing but ruin a man."
At that moment I remembered Shank's daughter and the real possibility that Stefan was already fucking her and endangering our very livelihoods. "Speaking of that, did you hire a new bartender without telling me or Kane?"
"Yeah, a couple."
Slamming my hands on my desk, I exploded with anger. "Jesus Christ, Stefan! We have policies for a reason. You didn't think you should tell the other two owners of this club that you hired new people?"
Confused, he shrugged. "What's the big deal? One used to work for us. You remember Shelley. She came in and asked for her job back, so I said yes. She was one of my best bartenders. The other one said she'd been told the job was hers. I figured you'd already met with her in one of those fucking meetings I hated. Lola's doing fine."
"Lola Sheridan?"
"Who's that?"
"The person you hired."
Stefan shook his head. "No. Lola's last name is Markess."
"Does she look like her father?" I asked, unable to contain my curiosity.
"How the fuck would I know? I just met her. It's not like we're doing the meet the parents thing. I don't do that dating shit, remember? Fuck 'em and forget 'em, although I might keep her for a while."
Stefan's grin told me he'd already slept with the woman who wa
s likely Shank's daughter. Nothing fucking good could come of this. "Please make sure to give Kane her information so he can check her out."
"Okay. I'm out. I have a bar to run."
As he turned to leave, I yelled after him, "And do me favor. Don't fuck around with these two."
He waved my suggestion off and laughed. "Yeah, yeah. I know the routine. All work, no play. Got it."
He left me sitting there with more worries than I'd had when he came in. And I still had no idea how to win Olivia back. All I knew was I had to. I couldn't go on like this.
I waited a few minutes before I headed out, determined to convince her not to give up on us. After stopping for flowers, I climbed the stairs to her apartment and had to admit I was in totally new territory. I'd never tried to win Rachel back after finding out what she'd done. The walls went up and that was it. We were done, and whatever feelings I'd had hardened over.
But now I had to be the man I'd been before Rachel broke my heart. The problem was I didn't even know if he existed anymore. I'd pushed him so far down inside me I couldn't be sure he was still in there.
I stopped in front of her door and stood with my hand up in front of me ready to knock for a moment as I told myself the same thing I'd said every day since offering Olivia her job back.
Don't lose her. Do whatever you have to, but don't let her go.
My heart pounded at the sound of her footsteps coming toward the door. I squeezed the stems of the roses in my palm and waited in anticipation. The door opened, and our eyes met for the briefest moment before she slammed the door closed again.
"Olivia, please open the door. I just want to talk."
Silence.
I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to the door. "Olivia, please…"
She said nothing, and my heart sank as I heard the sound of her footsteps walking away.
* * *
Every night I knocked on her door, and every night she refused to speak to me. Some nights she opened the door and stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes so full of pain. Other nights she didn't even open the door, ignoring me as I stood on her doorstep pleading my cause. The florist near the club either thought I was the world's biggest player or the world's saddest man in love. Each night he gave me the look that told me he was sure it was the latter.
Love in the Dark Page 201
