“Ah…now?”
I frowned. “Is now a problem?”
“I just…ah…”
I cocked my head to the side. “What’s going on?”
“Mommy look at me!”
Her head turned toward the voice of the child standing at the top of a slide.
“Watch how fast I go,” he called out.
“I’m watching,” she said to him.
It took me a minute to make sense of what was going on.
Her eyes glanced at me before focusing on the boy. He sat on the slide and whooshed down with his arms out wide like an airplane.
“Did you see me, Mommy?” He ran toward her.
“I did, honey. You were so fast.”
He ran to her. “Can you come with me?”
“In a minute, baby.”
The boy looked up at me. “Who are you?”
“This is Mr. Roarke. I work for him. Go play and I’ll be there in a minute.”
I turned to her, my mind in a whirl. She was a mom? And why was she introducing me as someone she worked with? Was there a dad somewhere around here?
“You’ve got a son.” My voice sounded distant to my ears.
She nodded. “Andrew.”
Well, that answered the question about who Andrew was.
I studied her. “You didn’t tell me.”
She shook her head, her eyes held a mix of worry and strength.
“Why? Why wouldn’t you want me to know you have a child?” At least now it made sense why she thought we couldn’t overcome limits. I’d told her I didn’t want kids and she had one. I felt a little set-up and duped by that.
“You said you didn’t want a family.”
My brain felt like it was wading through muck as I tried to sort out what was going on. “That was the other night. What about all the weeks before? You could have said something about being a mom.”
She simply shrugged.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t buy it.”
She flinched.
“If you kept your child from me because you didn’t think I’d approve, that would mean you were interested in me, but hiding him. But you’ve been pretty clear that you don’t want me.”
She huffed out a breath. “That’s not true. I told you my life was complicated.” She nodded toward Andrew. “What I want takes a backseat to what is best for him.”
“And I’m bad for him?” How was it she could always make me feel like pond scum?
“No. I just…you have your own family responsibilities and duties.”
I laughed derisively. “Which I was ready to shirk for you.”
She bit her lip. “Don’t. You can’t change yourself for me.”
“That’s just it, Serena. I was still trying to conform to what my family expected, and I came here to tell you that I was giving that up. I don’t know what our future would hold, but I was willing to see where it went. I wanted to see where it went.”
“Past tense,” she said, looking toward the playground, where her son was running with his arms out and making machine sounds.
“What?”
“You’re speaking in past tense. You said, ‘I was willing…’ which suggests you’re not still willing.”
“You’re fucking with my brain.”
“Can you not use the f-word when Andrew is around?”
“Right. Sorry.” I took a breath to try and sort out my thoughts. “Am willing. I am willing. I’m more than willing. I want to see you. To see where this thing between us goes.”
“What about Andrew?”
“I want to meet him.” And I meant it. The kid was a part of her, and I was drawn to her. Being with her meant being with him too.
She studied me with hard eyes. I felt like she was using some special mom-radar to determine if I was sincere and worthy of knowing her son.
For a moment, I thought she was going to send me packing. But then she looked to her son who was making his way to us again.
“All right,” she said, although there wasn’t much oomph behind the word. It was almost as if she was reluctant.
I leaned closer to her so her son wouldn’t hear. “I wish you’d tell me what it is you want, because I can’t read your mind.”
“I said all right.”
“But you don’t mean it. How many times have we been in this spot where I’m telling you I want you, and you say you want me, but half the time I don’t believe it. I’m not sure you believe it.”
She worried her lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry. I want you, but you and I aren’t the only things I need to consider.”
“I don’t want to hurt you or your kid.”
“I know. I don’t want to hurt you either.”
What I heard in her voice was an inevitability that someone was going to get hurt.
“Mr. Roarke, do you know how to fly?” Andrew came to stand in front of me. He had blue eyes and a sweet face like her, but I suspected he looked more like his father.
“Do you mean airplanes?” I leaned forward to give him my attention.
“Yep.”
“Well, I don’t fly but I have a pilot.”
“Do you have a plane too?”
“Yes.”
His eyes widened. “Are you rich?”
“Andrew! That’s not a polite question,” Serena chastised him.
“I am.”
The boy moved closer to me, putting his hand on my thigh. “When I grow up, I want to be rich and have my own plane, but I want to fly it.”
“I think that’s a great idea. Maybe someday you can come on my plane,” I said.
“Yay. Can we Mommy?”
Serena stiffened next to me and I suspected she didn’t like my offer. “We’ll see, baby. Mr. Roarke is a busy man.”
I glared at her. “We’re friends here. You can call me Devin. Can I call you Andrew, or would you prefer Mr. Moore?”
Andrew grinned. “Andrew.”
I held out my hand. “Nice to meet you, Andrew.”
He giggled as he shook my hand. “Nice to meet you.”
17
Serena
Panic wasn’t a strong enough word for what I felt when Devin showed up at the park. Right then and there my secret was going to be exposed and I’d have to endure the wrath of Devin. It would be justified, of course. I deserved every bad thing he might say to me.
When he said, “You didn’t tell me,” in reference to Andrew, I was sure he knew. How could he not? Andrew looked so much like him. But then it was clear he was asking why I didn’t tell him I had a son, not why I didn’t tell him about his son.
The rest of the conversation was pretty much like all the ones we always ended up having before where he’d tell me he wanted to see me, I’d say I wanted to see him too, but then would proceed to say or do something that suggested the opposite. I wondered how long he was going to put up with that from me. I suppose it meant that he was sincere in his interest in me. After all, he was willing to go against his mother to see me. But of course, that was another thing I had to consider that Devin didn’t know about. His mother wouldn’t be happy about his dating a single mom, but at some point she’d figure out what Andrew was to Devin, and who knew what would happen then. She’d either shun us or fight for custody, likely with Devin’s blessing, and I couldn’t risk that.
So yep, I was still in the same predicament as always with no hope for a happily ever after outcome.
Until I could figure out what to do, or until this thing between Devin and I fizzled out, or until he learned the truth and destroyed me, I had to go along with things.
“How big is your airplane?” Andrew looked up at Devin with his wide blue eyes.
“Big enough that it has a bedroom.”
“Whoa.” Andrew climbed onto the bench between me and Devin. My heart was simultaneously singing and crying. It was so beautiful to see them together. To see Devin be so sweet and natural with him. “Does it go fast?”
“Pretty fast. To be honest,
I’ve never thought about it.”
“I know lots about planes. Did you know that there are jets that can go two thousand miles per hour?” Andrew eagerly shared.
Devin’s eyes widened. “Holy cow. That is fast. That must be what…mach three? Mine isn’t that fast.”
“I’d still like to see it.”
Devin smiled so sweetly at Andrew and that was it. If I was fighting my feelings for Devin, I couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever happened in the future, I’d always remember this moment and how beautiful the two of them were together.
“It’s a date. Where should we go?” Devin asked.
Andrew bounced in his seat. “We can ride in it too?”
“Well of course. Maybe you can even spend some time in the cockpit with the pilot since you want to learn to fly.”
“Can I Mommy, can I? Please say, yes.”
I laughed. “If it can be arranged.”
Andrew turned back to Devin and climbed into his lap. At first Devin’s expression was surprised, but quickly he helped Andrew adjust to sit comfortably in his lap.
“Where do you go in your plane?” Andrew asked.
“Usually Europe. London. Paris—“
“They have a Disneyland there. Right Mommy?”
“I think so, baby. But there are some closer to us,” I said. I didn’t want Devin thinking he had to take Andrew to Europe.
“Did you go to Disneyland?” Andrew looked up intently at Devin.
“Never been. I’ve been to the top of the Eiffel Tower though.”
“What’s that?”
The two of them chatted about everything and nothing, and my guilt grew even as my heart filled with such love for the both of them.
“Will you push me on the swing?” Andrew asked Devin.
“Honey, Devin probably has other things he needs to do.”
“No, I don’t.” Devin’s eyes narrowed suggesting he didn’t like that I was trying to give him an out. “I’ll push you on the swing.”
“’Kay. Come on.” Andrew hopped down and took Devin’s hand, leading him to the swings. I watched them, wishing things could have been different. Wishing Devin had spent the last years knowing about Andrew and being a father to him.
Devin spent the day with us at the park, and then walked with us back to the apartment.
“Some limits can be overcome,” Devin said to me as Andrew trotted ahead of us, his arms out like an airplane.
“Some,” I admitted.
“About your job. I’ll just work with other planners in your firm and if they have a problem, I’ll find a new firm.” He took my hand. He clearly had been thinking things through which only made my deception worse. If he knew our real limits, would he still be trying so hard?
“And I’ll be fired for losing their biggest client,” I said, playing devil’s advocate.
“Then you’ll start your own firm and I’ll hire you.”
I smirked. “You have an answer for everything.”
“When I want something, I find an answer.”
My heart was both rejoicing and breaking. I wanted what he was saying he wanted. But I was going to blow it to bits.
“I’m tired.” Andrew wrapped his arms around my legs.
“We’re almost there,” I said.
“I’ll carry you.” Devin barely had the words out before Andrew stood before him with his arms up. Devin picked him up, settling him on his hip.
“I have a book of airplanes. Want to see it?” Andrew asked, looking Devin in the face. I wondered if Devin would see the resemblance. How long would it take him to figure out Andrew was his?
“Yes, I would.”
“We have to be at Grandma and Grandpa’s for dinner soon,” I reminded Andrew.
“You can come to dinner, can’t you Devin,” Andrew asked.
I shook my head. “I’m sure Devin has plans.”
“Trying to get rid of me?” He quirked a brow at me.
“Are you saying you want to meet my parents?” I retorted. Wasn’t that the last thing most men wanted?
He blanched slightly but then said, “Yes. Yes, I do.”
“We need to ask them too,” I said. “We can’t just invite a guest without checking.”
“They’ll say yes.” Andrew patted Devin on the cheek. “They think my mommy needs a boyfriend.”
I coughed. Devin grinned. “Do they now?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Yes, because I don’t have a daddy.”
Devin frowned. “Why not?”
Andrew lay his head on Devin’s shoulder. “He went away.”
Everything inside me stilled as I waited for Devin to put two and two together.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said.
“Do you have a daddy?” Andrew asked him.
“Yes.”
“Did you like it?”
“I suppose I did.”
“Did he take you to the park and on airplanes?”
Devin’s face was unreadable as we neared the house. “Not so much. I had a nanny who took us to the park.”
“What’s a nanny?”
“It’s like a babysitter, honey,” I said, noting some sadness in Devin’s expression.
“Like Grandma?”
“Yes, I guess so.”
We reached my building, and Devin continued to carry Andrew as we rode the elevator and we entered my little apartment. I felt self-conscious about our humble abode. It was neat and tidy, and served its purpose, but I knew Devin was used to larger, grander living spaces.
“I’ll get my book,” Andrew said when Devin put him down.
“Do you want a drink or something?” I asked Devin.
He shook his head taking a seat on the couch.
“If you don’t want to stay for dinner, now is the time to tell me or I’m going to call my mom and let her know you’re coming.”
He smirked. “You can’t scare me, Serena.”
Andrew rushed in and climbed into Devin’s lap. “Want to see my favorite one?”
“I do,” Devin said with a wink to me.
I left them alone, going to the little kitchenette. I wanted to be alone to take a breath because I felt like I hadn’t breathed since Devin showed up at the park. If I thought I was playing with fire before, I was damn near burning in the flames now. I peeked around the corner to see Devin and Andrew looking at the book. My heart ached to tell him the truth and for us to overcome all those limits. Surely Devin would protect Andrew from his mother, right?
But would learning the truth change how Devin felt about me? And if so, what would he do in his anger? Ugh. My life had become an endless cycle of a catch-22 that I couldn’t get out of and eventually would blow up in my face.
I texted my mom to ask her if I could bring a guest. She responded with yes and wanted to know who it was. I told her it was a friend, as I knew she’d freak out if she knew a Roarke was about to have dinner at her house.
I cleaned Andrew up and then the three of us headed down to my parents’ apartment.
“My mom is probably going to freak out a little bit when she meets you,” I whispered to Devin. Andrew stood next to him and took his hand.
“Why?”
“You’re a Roarke. A famous prominent New York family.”
He rolled his eyes. “I don’t shit daisies.”
“Umm, you said a bad word,” Andrew said looking up at Devin.
“Sorry. I’m human like everyone else.”
“She’ll also probably try to marry us off, and I know how you feel about marriage,” I said, wanting to make sure he understood what he was getting himself into.
“It all depends on the in-laws,” he said with a cheeky grin.
If that was true, I’d be better off staying away from him, because I knew his parents wouldn’t accept me.
“We’re here, Mom, Dad,” I said opening the door.
“Come meet Devin,” Andrew said running to the kitchen.
“Remember, you asked
for this,” I whispered as my father entered the room.
“I’m Graham Moore,” my father said, as he scrutinized Devin even as he extended his hand.
“Devin.”
He didn’t use his last name, which only meant he was concerned about my mother freaking out.
“Hello, I’m Alys—” My mother stopped short when she saw him. “You’re Devin Roarke.”
“I am. It’s lovely to meet you, Mrs. Moore.” He extended his hand to her.
My mother looked from me to Devin. “I …ah…if I’d know a Roarke was coming I’d have cooked something—”
Devin waved her comment away with his hand. “Whatever you’re cooking smells delicious. Thank you so much for including me.”
“What brings you to our neck of the city?” My father was still frowning, like he didn’t quite trust Devin.
Devin smiled as he looked at me. “Serena.”
Both my parents’ eyebrows shot up to their hairline. Then my mother got this hopeful look. I glanced at Devin to see if he noticed it. In her mind, we were married already and probably had more kids.
“Remember, I helped with his parents’ anniversary party,” I said.
“Oh, yes, of course. But that’s done, isn’t it?” my father asked.
Devin gave his head a disapproving shake toward me. “The party was a success. Convincing Serena to see me in a non-professional situation has proven more difficult.”
“Oh!” My mother gasped.
I rolled my eyes.
“Serena is a smart woman who has a son to think about,” my father said, maintaining his fatherly duty.
“Andrew is a great kid.” Devin ruffled Andrew’s hair.
“Devin has an airplane and he’s going to take me for a ride, huh Devin?” Andrew tugged on Devin’s hand. Devin winced a bit, probably because it sounded like showing off to have a plane.
“I did say that.”
“Well…let me go get dinner finished,” my mother said, fluttering her hands about. “Honey, why don’t you help me,” she said to me. I knew that meant she was going to grill me.
Then again, that would leave Devin alone with my father who clearly wasn’t sold yet on him. Maybe he’d scare Devin away enough that I didn’t have to worry about his change of heart over relationships.
An Irish Affair Page 13
