by Sarah Bale
When I got home, I couldn’t sleep. I kept replaying that scene with Saint over and over. As the sun rose, I sent Dr. Cross a message, asking if she could see me. She responded back right away, telling me I could come in now. So, here I am.
I reply, “I did something you’re not going to like.”
“I’m not here to judge. Tell me about it.”
So I do.
“I went to work at another club. And it worked. Saint showed up and we – well, we had a very emotionally charged encounter.”
“I see.”
“I did it because I wanted him to see me. To acknowledge me. If I’m being truthful, I was also hoping he would take me back.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he couldn’t stand it if something happened to me. I know he lost his wife, and that’s where a lot of this stems from, but why can’t he see that I’m not her? That I’m not going to die?”
She nods. “I understand what you’re saying. You are alive and want to be loved. He, on the other hand, is dealing with something that happened to him that makes him scared to be loved or to care for someone else.”
“I know, and it makes me feel like an ass for even pushing it.”
“You love him, and we tend to want to be with the ones that we care about.” She pauses. “Why do you think you can’t walk away from them? Most people who went through a similar situation where they were shot twice would be running away from them.”
“I- I haven’t really thought about it.”
“That’s your project for this week. And, I’d like you to start journaling each evening as well.”
That makes me cringe. “I’d rather not.”
“You’re the only one who will see it. Much like the letters, I’ve found that writing down thoughts at the end of the day helps. It’s a way to reflect and cleanse at the same time.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Good. I’ll see you next week. Don’t be afraid to call if you need me.”
As I leave, I think about what she said. I’ve never been much on writing. It always feels forced and fake. And what she’s asking me to do is definitely something I don’t want to face. But she is right about one thing – I need to figure out why can’t I just walk away from them.
Jas is sitting on her bed, watching TV when I get to the hospital. Well, I’m not sure if she’s really watching because she looks like she’s a million miles away.
“Hey! Sorry I’m late. I had a session with Dr. Cross.”
She jumps, as if I’ve startled her, and mutes the TV. “You didn’t mention having an appointment today.”
“It wasn’t planned. I texted her after what happened last night with Saint.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh? Do tell.”
“It went like we thought it would. He heard I was working there and came to see. And we went to the Champagne Room.”
My cheeks warm even thinking about it.
“Damn, girl.”
“It got pretty spicy and then he told me I had to stop chasing after them.” I let out a sigh. “He’s right. It’s not good for me to keep doing this.”
Jas looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “So, that’s it? You’re just going to give up on them?”
“I think it’s best. Saint was… well, he didn’t hold back last night. He’s right. I can’t keep doing this.”
“I can understand that.” She pauses. “I found out I’m getting out of here tomorrow. The doctor thinks I’ve made enough progress that I can discharge without going to a rehabilitation facility.”
“Jas! That’s great! Do you need a place to stay? I’m sure Lucy won’t mind and-”
“I’m leaving.”
“What?”
She lets out a shaky laugh. “I feel like a bitch for not mentioning it sooner, but I knew how you’d react.”
I’m not sure what to say next.
“Agent Hill promised me a new beginning. I’m taking him up on the offer.”
“When do you leave?” I manage to ask without my voice cracking.
“He’s picking me up when I discharge. My plane takes off shortly after that.”
“Do you know where you’re going?”
“No.” She pauses. “I have to ask you something.”
“What’s that?”
“After I’m gone, will you change your number? I don’t want to be tempted to reach out to you. I know I’m going to be lonely at first, but I need to cut all ties with my old life.”
Her eyes brim with unshed tears as she waits for me to answer. How can I tell her no? She deserves a fresh start. And I get her wanting to cut ties. Hell, if I were smart I would do the same. I’d tell Agent Hill to take me far away from Georgia, and the Devil’s Regents. I’d move somewhere where my past couldn’t haunt me, and I’d live.
She touches my hand. “Liv?”
“Yeah. I can do that for you.” I brush away a tear. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too. You’re the first real friend I’ve had, well, in forever. I selfishly wish there was a way you could come with me.”
Hope blooms in her eyes, but I shake my head.
“I get why you have to go, Jas, but I’m not ready. There are still things I have to do here.”
“Like what?”
“Graduating college for one.” I smile. “Did you know that no one thought I’d even be able finish high school? Now I’m on track to graduate with honors.”
I don’t mention that I want to see how much Dr. Cross can help me. One day I might leave, but now’s not the time.
“I’m going to miss the hell out of you, Olivia.”
“I’m going to miss you, too, Jas.”
She brushes away a tear. “Guess I’ll have to think of a new name. Maybe something classy, like Katherine or Liza.”
“I like them both.”
We both grin at each other, and it hits me that this is the last time we’re going to do this.
She picks up the remote control. “Do we want to watch Breaking Dawn or something else?”
“Breaking Dawn, of course.”
She unmutes the TV and we spend the rest of the afternoon watching Bella find her happily ever after.
When the movie is over, Jas says, “I don’t want a teary goodbye. Just act like you’ll be back tomorrow.”
I nod, trying to keep my tears at bay.
“I’m going to head out. I’ll see you later.”
“Whatever suits you, sis.”
I smile and walk away, but as soon as I get into the hallway the first tear escapes. God, I’m going to miss her so much. Dr. Cross’ words come back to me. Maybe I should write a letter to Jas tonight, letting her know how much she means to me.
When I get in my Uber, I call the phone company and have my number changed. Jas deserves a fresh start, and I’m going to honor her request. Once I get off the phone, I send a text to my friends, letting them know I have a new number. My finger hovers over Bash’s name. Should I tell him? Hell, for all I know he has a new number, too. But, out of all of the guys, he’s the one I think will care the most, so I send him a text. And then I delete Jas’ number from my phone. There. It’s done.
I make it all the way back to the townhouse before I realize something – today was the first time that I didn’t hear a motorcycle as I left. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Lucy is in the process of straightening up the magazines and books on the coffee table when I walk into the townhouse.
She looks up when the door closes. “Hey, Liv! I didn’t know you were going to be home this evening.”
“I finished up early with my friend.” I point to the table. “Are we expecting company?”
“I hope you don’t mind, but Andrew and Chase are coming over to watch a movie.”
“Why would I mind?”
“I don’t know. I get the feeling that you’ve been avoiding me.”
Hearing her say thing makes me feel like shit.
“Is it Bash?”
My chest feels tight at the mention of him.
She goes on, “I thought I saw him sitting across the street the other day. I wasn’t sure if you two had been talking again.”
Double ouch. So, she’s noticed him, too?
“No. We’re still not talking.”
“Oh.” She frowns. “Should I call the cops I see him the next time?”
“No. He’s not - it’s okay.”
“Okay. If you’re sure?”
“I am. So, Andrew and Chase are coming over?”
“Yeah. We’re going to watch the latest Marvel film.”
I smile. “Sounds fun. Mind if I join?”
“I would love that. And I’m sure Chase would, too.”
This makes me groan. “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to set us up.”
“Might be good for you to get back into the game.” When I make a face, she holds up her hand. “Okay, I won’t force it.”
“Thanks.”
She gets up. “I’m going to change. They should be here in a few.”
I’ve just finished picking up the rest of the living room when the doorbell rings.
Lucy calls out, “Can you grab that? I’m still deciding on what to wear.”
“Sure.”
I go to the door, opening it. Andrew and Chase stand there, each holding a box of pizza.
“We come bearing gifts,” Andrew says as he walks in, going right to the kitchen.
“I hope there’s a pineapple pizza in there.”
Andrew physically looks pained. “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that.”
“Can’t argue with good taste,” Chase retorts. He smiles at me. “How have you been, Olivia?”
“Oh, you know – living the dream.”
“Same. How are your classes going?”
“Good. What about you? How’s your math class?”
He leans against the counter. “I’m surprisingly doing okay in it. You’re a great tutor, and all the help you gave me last semester really helped.”
“I’m glad.”
“Maybe we can get together and study sometime?”
Andrew reaches around me, grabbing the plates, but I don’t miss the smile on his face.
I answer Chase, “Sure. That would be cool.”
“Cool.” He grins.
Andrew goes to the fridge, grabbing some beers. “Anyone else want one?”
His familiarity in the house is kind of cute, but also makes me realize how little I’m around.
I answer, “I’ll just have water.”
Chase says, “I’ll take one.” To me, he asks, “Are you doing anything next Friday?”
Thinking he wants to study, I reply, “Nothing to my knowledge. Why?”
“My dads’ have a friend who’s a chef. There’s a grand opening at the restaurant Friday night, and I would love it if you could come.”
Andrew nods. “It’s legit, Olivia. My parents are total food snobs and they can’t stop going on about this place. They’re trying to get on the list and can’t.”
“Sure. That sounds fun.”
Chase looks like he’s just won the lottery. “Freaking-fantastic!”
Lucy walks in at that moment and asks, “What did I miss?”
“Olivia agreed to go on a date with me.”
A date? I seriously thought this was going to be a group thing.
Keeping my tone causal, I ask, “Oh, is it just going to be the two of us?”
“That’s kind of the point of a date.”
Lucy shoots me a confused look, but all I can do I shrug. It’s only one dinner. It won’t be that bad.
Chase laughs. “I’ve had to listen to Andrew and Lucy having sex enough these past few months. It’ll be nice to finally return the favor.”
Did he really just imply we were going to hook up? On our first date?
Andrew says, “Dude! That’s not even cool.”
“What? It’s not like she’s a virgin.”
I reply, “First of all, that should have nothing to do with it. I don’t sleep with assholes.”
Chase snorts. “Could have fooled me. That biker you were with looked like an asshole.”
“I assure you, he wasn’t. And if this is how you think a woman should be treated, then maybe you should find someone else to take to dinner.” To Lucy and Andrew I say, “Enjoy your pizza. I’m going to study.”
Chase protests as I walk away, but he has the good sense not to try to stop me. When I get to my room, I close the door and lock it. And then I do something I’ve never done – I grab an empty notebook and start writing.
Dear Jas,
Where do I even begin? First, I’m going to miss you so freaking much. You may be the best friend I’ve ever had. Ever. Growing up, I never had that luxury. We were always moving from town to town, so no one would notice the bruises or the absences from school. I think my life would have been different if I had someone like you to talk to. Like you said, we’ve both been through shit.
If I’m being honest, I’m a little angry that you’re leaving. Why can’t you stay here, so we can get through this together? Why do you want to cut ties? Am I that easy to forget? Are you afraid that you’ll get into more trouble if you stay? Part of me is jealous that you have the courage to start over. No one will be able to judge you for your past and what you have done and what was done to you.
I told you that I didn’t want to leave because I wanted to graduate, but that’s a lie. I don’t want to leave because I’m scared. I’m not like you. You’re brave. I’m not. Sometimes, I think I’m nothing more than a victim and that scares me. So, when given the chance to leave, I chose to stay. Plus, we both know that I’m staying because I hope something will change with the guys.
When I wake up tomorrow, it’s going to be strange knowing you’re gone. Will you think of me wherever you go? I hope so. Mostly, I hope you really get a new start. I hope you follow any dream that you didn’t think you could attain. I hope you find love. And I hope one day our paths cross again.
Jas, you are a blessing and I’m going to miss you so much. Thank you for everything you’ve shown me.
Love always,
Olivia
I look over the words, feeling better. And then I tear the pages from the notebook and pick up a lighter, watching as the letter burns away.
“Goodbye, Jas.”
8
Olivia
I spend the rest of the evening writing. It’s crazy how the words keep coming. I’m even able to write down my feelings about Bash, Razor, King, and even Saint, to a certain point, though I can’t bring myself to burn those pages. Around eleven, I yawn and stand. I’m ready to go to bed and forget this day.
There’s a knock on my door and I open it, thinking it’s Lucy. Instead, I find Chase leaning against the doorframe. Even from here I can smell the beer on his breath. Panic sparks in the back of my head, and I take a step away from him.
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chase.”
“Come on, Olivia. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Lucy and Andrew’s voices carry from the living room, so I know they’re still up, which makes me a feel a bit better. Sighing, I step aside so he can come in. I leave the door open, though. If he notices, he doesn’t comment.
He stands in the middle of my room, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m really sorry, Olivia. What I said earlier came out totally wrong and I didn’t mean it. I would never disrespect you like that, but I know I can’t take back what I said, either. All I can do is hope that you will forgive me.”
“We don’t know each other very well, Chase, and I don’t generally give people second chances. We’re friends. But I get the feeling that you want more. I’m letting you know right here and right now that I don’t want anything else at the mom
ent. If you can accept that, then I can forget what happened tonight and we can go back to being friends.”
He nods. “Of course. Yes. Let’s forget tonight and just be friends. I can do that. For now.”
I try not to let his word choice bother me. He’s probably just echoing what I said about not wanting anything else at the moment. And really, I tend to second guess everyone, especially men, which is something I’d like to bring up to Dr. Cross. Besides, he’s probably harmless.
“I’m glad we were able to work this out. And it won’t happen again.” He pulls me into a tight hug, holding onto me until I pull away.
“Well, I was just about to go to bed.” I hope the hint is obvious.
“Right. I’ll get out of here so you can get some sleep.” He’s almost to the door when he stops. “I hope this isn’t too much, but I’ve always thought blue is your color.”
I’m confused to what he’s talking about, when I realize that he’s looking right at the lingerie I got in the mail. It’s still tossed over the chair from when I got it the other day.
I let out a small laugh. “Oh. Thanks. That’s just a gag gift someone sent.”
“Doesn’t look like a gag to me. It looks like something someone picked out with you in mind.” He gives me a look before leaving.
What in the actual hell? Is he the one who sent it? Before, I couldn’t think of anyone bold enough to send it, but after tonight I’m thinking that maybe I don’t know him at all. I listen for the front door to close before I get ready for bed. It’s probably just my imagination, but I feel like someone’s watching me. I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, and I don’t like it at all.
Opening the door, I call out, “Lucy? You still here?”
There’s a giggle across the hallway and some murmuring before Lucy finally calls out, “Yeah. What’s up?”
“Did you lock the door after Chase left?”
“I did.”
“Okay. Thanks. Goodnight.”
There’s more giggling as I close my door. I’m truly happy for Lucy. She’s dated a lot of losers since I’ve known her, but Andrew doesn’t seem to fall into that category.
I go to the window, closing the blinds and the curtains. The feeling of being watched has lessened, but I still can’t shake the unease that has settled over my body. Reaching under my bed, I make sure my taser is within reach before climbing under the covers. This is a safe part of town, I reason with myself, and we have a neighborhood watch and a basic security system, but I know better than anyone that looks can be deceiving.
