by Sarah Bale
I nod. “That’s what I was thinking.”
“You mentioned that this wasn’t planned. Have you thought about your options?”
“Not really. It’s all very new to me.”
“I understand.” He hands me several brochures. “Look these over. If you have any questions, my cell phone number is on the card on the back. Call and we can talk, day or night. Now, have you had any morning sickness?”
“Yes.”
“That’s normal during the first trimester. If it gets to be too bad, I can prescribe you something. I’m also going to send some prenatal vitamins with you.” He glances at my chart on his iPad. “I see you’ve been pregnant before, but miscarried?”
I nod. “I was sixteen. Is that something that I need to worry about?”
My heart does something strange in my chest as my past and my future collide.
“It’s common for younger women to have miscarriages, but you need to listen to your body. If you have any spotting or pain, go to an emergency room and call me.”
“Okay.”
He goes over a few more things and leaves to get me a first-time mom bag. Just hearing him say it makes me feel all sorts of things.
Foxy whispers, “How are you doing?”
“This feels so surreal.”
“Just wait until you hear the heartbeat.”
I look at the brochures he handed me. The one on top is for an abortion. The next is for adoption. The last is for parenting. My eyes prickle and I brush the tears away.
“It’s crazy that it comes down to three choices. Feels like there should be more or something.”
“I felt the same way.” She shakes her head, as if remembering. “King’s mom came with me to my appointment. I was all ready to get an abortion, but as soon as I heard the heartbeat, I knew I couldn’t.”
“I didn’t know you knew her.”
She smiles. “Queenie was the best. If you keep the baby, King’s going to make a great father. They all will.”
“We’ve never even talked about kids, well, except for me and Razor when I told him I didn’t want them. What if I want it, but they don’t?”
“Then I’ll help you raise it.”
It’s so simple and yet scares the shit out of me. Can I do this?
Dr. Deathridge comes back at that moment, handing me a pastel yellow sack with tiny ducks all over it. “Here you go. There’s some good coupons in there.”
I take the bag and stand. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure. I’ll see you in a week.”
Agent Hill is waiting when we walk outside.
I ask him, “Do you mind if I sit in the back?”
Agent Hill’s eyes are full of concern. “Of course not.”
Foxy is more than happy to sit in the front with him and chats away. I take the time to look through the sack. Dr. Deathridge wasn’t kidding – there’s a lot of coupons, all for items a baby might need. There’s also a bottle, bib, and foldable diaper bag. Touching each item does something to me. I can picture myself using them on a little baby and it breaks my heart.
I send Dr. Cross a message, knowing I need to talk about this.
Me: Dr. Cross, I just found out that I’m pregnant.
Dr. Cross: How are you feeling about it?
Me: Conflicted. I just left the doctor’s office. He gave me a lot of information to look over.
Dr. Cross: You have several options if you aren’t ready to be a parent, Olivia. Open adoptions allow you to still be involved with the child’s life. From what I’ve seen, this option can be beneficial for all parties involved.
Me: When I think about giving the baby away, I feel sick.
Dr Cross: Well, you have to do what’s best for YOU at the end of the day. Have you told the father?
Me: I’m not sure who the father is. I have it narrowed down, but I’m not sure how to tell them. What if they hate me?
Dr. Cross: You can’t control how they feel. All you can do is be truthful and open.
Me: Bash is coming home. I know this is going to be the worst timing ever, but maybe I can finally get them all together and talk to them.
Dr. Cross: I think that sounds like a good plan. And, for what it’s worth, I’m happy for you, Olivia.
Me: Thank you.
Dr Cross: Please reach out if you need me.
Me: I will.
I put my phone in my purse. I’ve never allowed myself to imagine a future with a partner who loved me. I certainly didn’t consider children. But now that I’m here, being loved by four wonderful men, I think I might want it all. That brings up several different problems, though. One, I don’t know who the father is. Two, what if they don’t want kids. Three, what if I’m a terrible mother like my own mother was?
I think that’s the one that bothers me the most. She was…god, she was fucked up. She was mean, and she never gave a shit about me. The only reason I survived was because she had a best friend who would come around when my father wasn’t there. During those times, she would clean the house, take care of me, and keep my mom from killing herself. But that friend stopped coming around when I turned eight. And that’s when-
“Olivia. We’re here.”
I look down, at the bag. I can’t take this in. They’ll see it if I do.
Foxy says, “Hand it here. I’ll put it in my bag, and you can get it from me later.”
I hand it to her, trying to get control over my emotions.
Agent Hill says, “Olivia, please call if you need anything. Day or night.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Foxy says, “Fred, I’ll be calling you later, too.”
She leans over and kisses him right on the mouth and then hops out before he can react.
She giggles as he leaves. “God, that man might be the love of my life.”
“Are you really going to call him?”
“Yeah. I’m going to wait until real late though. See if he likes to get nasty.”
“Please stop. You’re going to make me sick.” But I’m grinning.
“Text me if you need me. And tell Bash and Razor welcome home.”
She gives me a quick hug before going into the clubhouse. I wait a second before following. Smoke is thick in the air and it’s making me sick. I rush toward our side.
King’s sitting on the couch and looks up. “How was Dr. Cross?”
“She was good.” I move closer. “The club seems rowdier than usual.”
“They know Bash and Razor are coming home and are celebrating.”
“Have you heard from them?”
“Not since they got on the plane. Razor had to give Bash something to help his nerves.” He stands. “You hungry? I made some rice.”
“Just rice?”
He nods. “My Ma used to make it. Said it was easy on the stomach. Since you weren’t feeling well earlier, I thought it might help.”
“That sounds great. Thank you.”
He pats my leg as he goes to the kitchen. I sit back, closing my eyes. Maybe I can sit down and talk to Razor and Saint tonight. Casually test the waters and see how they feel about kids. Because the more I think about it, the more I think I want this baby.
17
Olivia
King and I are watching a movie when Saint walks in.
“They’re almost here.”
I jump to my feet, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face.
And then he says it.
“Bash isn’t doing good. Razor said he’s been combative nearly the whole way home. Almost got arrested when the plane landed.”
King shakes his head. “I knew I should have gone.”
“You were needed here, and I don’t know if it would have made any difference.” He turns to me. “Liv, you need to prepare yourself.”
Well, that’s not fucking good, but I nod. I mean, I can do this. Right?
Saint’s phone dings a few minutes later. “It’s time.”
Why does this feel like a funeral proce
ssion as we walk to the front door? Headlights approach as a small car nears. I didn’t even think about how they were going to get home from the airport. Saint’s phone dings again and he lets out a curse.
“Liv, can you go inside?”
“What?”
The looks in his eyes is pleading. “Please. We’ll be there in a second.”
The text. Bash or Razor must have texted. Bash doesn’t want me here.
“Yeah. Of course.”
King mutters something under his breath as he moves toward the car. I don’t wait around, though, trying not to cry. Bash didn’t want me there. Oh, god.
Thankfully, no one stops me as I go back to our rooms. Unsure what to do, I sit on the couch. Time seems to drag as I wait for them to come. After an hour, I grab a blanket and cover up. I don’t mean to doze off, but the door opening wakes me.
Saint comes in first looking pissed off. King is next. And then Bash. My sweet Bash doesn’t even look the same. He’s lost so much weight that his cheekbones are sunken in. His dark hair is long, falling across his face. But it’s his eyes that are so different. When he looks at me it’s like looking at a stranger.
“I told you I didn’t want to see her.”
I flinch, but stand, moving toward him. “I’ve been worried about you, Bash. God, I’ve missed you so much.”
He snorts at this. “Sure.”
“Why would I lie?”
He turns and says to Saint, “Can I leave now?”
Saint shoots me a look before saying, “Yeah. King will take you to your new room.”
He mutters something under his breath and pushes past me. I try not to let it hurt me, but – god - it hurts.
Saint pulls me into his arms. “He’s not himself right now.”
“Is this my fault? Because of what he had to do to Mitch?”
“Let’s go to my room to talk.”
That is never a good way to start a conversation. But, I put my hand in his and follow him down the hall to his room.
He closes the door behind us and sits on the bed.
“We knew there were risks when we asked him to get information from Mitch and Chase.”
This is news to me.
“Why didn’t anyone say this before?”
Because I would have told him no.
“Liv, he loves you. There was no way we were going to stop him.”
And now he’s fucked up because of me.
“King can tell you more about it, but when Bash goes that far in, he…loses himself.”
“Loses himself?”
“You saw him.”
“What does that mean?”
“He’s going to need time to heal. He’ll come around, though. He always does.”
What if he doesn’t?
I say, “He told me once about being in the Army. Saint, he said he almost ended it then. What makes you think he won’t try something now?”
“You’re here, Liv, and that’s how I know.”
I’m feeling sick again.
There’s a knock on the door, and Razor walks in. I gasp when I see his black eye.
“What happened?”
He crosses the room without saying anything and pulls me into a tight hug. He’s sweaty and I catch a whiff of body odor that sends my stomach roiling. I pull away and rush to the bathroom, where I vomit for the third time today.
“Liv? You okay?”
No. I’m not. I’m fucking pregnant at the worst possible time, and I can’t tell them about it yet.
I go to the sink and splash water on my face. “I’m fine. Just a bug, I think. Or King’s cooking.”
I know I need to tell them, but now is not the time.
Razor laughs and agrees with me. “King’s a terrible cook.”
“I’ll have you know my cooking is just fine,” King says.
Guilt assaults me and I meet his gaze. He stares at me for a moment before turning to Razor.
“Dude. You smell like ass. No wonder she threw up. Go take a shower.”
Razor sniffs his armpit and then gives me a sheepish grin. “Sorry, sugar. Didn’t realize I smelled so bad. Guess I adapted better than I thought in Nevada.”
King gets my attention. “Can I steal you for a minute?”
My heart thuds, but I nod. “Sure.”
Saint says, “I’ll show Razor his room and check on Bash.”
I wait until they’re gone to follow King. He surprises me by taking me outside, into the fresh air. I inhale deeply, realizing how much it settles my queasy stomach.
King brushes my hair from my face. “When are you going to tell them?”
I freeze.
“What?”
“Babe, I’ve been around pregnant chicks before, and you’re showing all the signs.”
I look up to the night sky, blinking away the tears in my eyes.
“Do you think they know?”
He pulls me into his embrace. “No.”
“Good.”
“You going to keep it?”
“I think so. Maybe. Fuck.” I pause. “I don’t know who the father is.”
“Well, you can take me and Bash off that list. We both got snipped in our Army days.”
That makes me smile. “That’s good to know. But, I have it narrowed down to a time frame.”
“Guessed as much. Was it while I was in the hospital?”
“Yeah.” My eyes water again. “Fuck. I’m so weepy.”
“I hate to tell you, but it’s only going to get worse– the emotional part.”
“How do you know so much about pregnancy?”
“My mom was a club whore. Not everyone was careful, and she was the one to go to when they wanted to quietly take care of their problems or if they needed a motherly figure to hold their hand.”
I think back to what Foxy said.
He gives me another hug. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t want kids.”
“That’s your choice, Liv. If that’s what you want, we can take care of it.”
“But there’s a part of me that kind of does, though. How fucked up is that?”
“You’re going to be a great mother, if that’s what you choose. You’ll have all the support you want and need in whatever you decide.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because we love you.”
It sounds so simple when he puts it like that, like anything is possible. But is it?
“What if they don’t want the baby?”
Baby.
That one little word does things to me. This time, I do cry.
“They will, Liv, and, if for some reason they don’t, I’ll be here. I’ll love that baby like it’s my own and we’ll make it work. But I think you’re going to be surprised at their reaction.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and sob. He holds me close, whispering sweet nothings to me.
You’re going to be a great mom.
This kid is going to be the most beautiful baby in the world.
Hopefully it has your eyes.
I’m going to teach him or her how to fish.
It’s going to be okay, babe. I promise.
His shirt is soaked with tears when I pull back.
“I love you, King.”
“And I love you, Liv.” He brushes his lips across mine. “Do you know when you’re going to tell them?”
“Now seems like a bad time. I don’t want to upset Bash.”
“Have you been to a doctor yet?”
I nod. “Foxy took me. Tonight, actually.”
“Ah. So, Dr. Cross was just a cover?”
“Yeah.”
“I figured as much. I had a phone session with her tonight, which is how I knew you weren’t there. What did the doctor say?”
“I’m about nine weeks pregnant, give or take a few days. He gave me some vitamins to take and scheduled me for an appointment in a week.”
“I’ll take you, that is, if you want me to.”
I wrap m
y arms around him again. “I’d like it very much if you took me.”
“Have you told Dr. Cross?”
“I texted her after my appointment. She was happy but said what you did– that I need to make the best choice for me. She also mentioned adoption, but I-” My voice breaks. “King, I don’t think I want to give it up.”
“Then we’re having a baby, Liv. It’s that simple.”
“No. It’s not. My father is out there, playing some kind of game with us. If he finds out-”
I can’t even finish the sentence. If he finds out, he will use this baby to hurt me and I don’t think I will survive it. No, I know I won’t.
King tenses. His voice is low and deadly when he says, “He’s not going to live long enough to find out that you’re pregnant. I swear it on my life.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Razor and Bash are back. We’re stronger together. We’re going to find him…and kill the bastard.”
I believe him, too. We are stronger together. I just have to have faith that we can end this before my father gets his hands on me. Because I won’t be able to live with myself if something happens to this baby.
18
Bash
I want to smash every fucking thing in this room. None of it is mine and I hate it. I pick up a decoration – some glass ball or some shit - and smash it against the wall. Saint doesn’t even flinch as glass flies around him.
“Go on. Break it all.”
“I fucking will.”
Razor walks in and I see his black eye. A flash of guilt assaults me and then I shove the thought away. Fucker ought to know better than to get in my fucking way.
He says to Saint, “How long has he been doing this?”
Not long enough!
“Fuck off, Razor. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like any of this shit is mine.”
“No. It’s not. Because our shit was destroyed in the fire that Liv’s father set.”
“Boo-hoo. Better your shit than your bike or your fucking body,” I spit out.
Saint steps forward. “I know you’re pissed, and maybe even rightly so, but you need to get whatever this is out of your system. Her fucking father is coming for us. For her. If you aren’t going to fight and protect what is ours, then you need to get the fuck out of here.”
