Now even though the positives outweigh the negatives, there are a few bad points, like getting papped even when you’re just taking your dog for a walk or taking the bins out – and because of that the pressure of feeling like you should make an effort to look good all the time. But the worst part is the social media trolls or the people who comment beneath the Daily Mail articles (I’ve learnt not to read them now). But I don’t hate the trolls; like I’ve said before, I pity them. They’re lacking something in their lives, God bless them.
The positives, though, I mean where do I begin? It was only a year ago I was watching people like Tom Hardy, Ant and Dec, Alan Carr and Rylan on the television, and now they’re in my phone book. I was watching shows with my family ordering a chicken kebab and having a glass of Lambrini and now I’m in the bloody shows. I pop to the shops for a pint of milk and people want to stop and have a chat and a selfie with me. The magazines I would read lying in bed hungover on a Sunday (contemplating what is my life), I’m now in. This has all happened in the space of a year. The strange thing is that even as I write this book I still don’t feel like a celebrity. I don’t think my family and friends would ever let me, to be fair. I’m treated no different and rightly so. They do, however, often tell me to stop for a second and take it all in.
My mam always says, ‘You don’t know how long this journey is going to last so enjoy it while it does.’ And that is what I do: that’s why you will very rarely see me without a smile on my face and that’s why whenever I get a chance to involve my family and friends, I do. I have a really small group of close friends and family and to be honest they’re the only people I really bother with. I used to think when I was younger it was about having loads of friends but as the story ‘The Vixen and the Lioness’ in my Aesop’s Fables taught me:
‘Quality is more important that quantity.’
Chapter Twenty-two
THAT ’S A STREETMATE
Davina McCall appeared as a dancer in the music video ‘Word Is Out’ for pop princess Kylie Minogue, wearing a striped sweater and beret.
Statistics show that women who use online dating are most afraid to meet up with someone who ends up being a serial killer; meanwhile, men said they are most afraid of meeting up with someone who won’t allow them free time or let them meet with their friends whenever they want.
Scientists believe it takes humans just one-fifth of a second to determine whether we fancy another person.
My phone vibrated as I was alerted that my car had arrived and was waiting outside the restaurant Pescatori, where I had just had a meeting with Channel 4. We had been discussing bringing back the nineties cult classic, Streetmate. A very fancy Onyx Mercedes had arrived and the driver got out of the car to open the door for me.
‘Thanks very much but you didn’t have to get out of your car to do that,’ I said. He giggled away and confirmed the address of where I was going. ‘Yes, that’s right, just near Chalk Farm tube station, cheers.’ I sat on the ivory leather seat in the back of this very fancy car, staring out of the blacked-out windows.
‘There is wi-fi service in the car, Madam, bottled water on the side and some Polos inside the arm rest,’ the driver told me.
‘Wow, I’ve never been in a car with free Polos before, thanks,’ I said. I quickly pocketed the Polos (I love a freebie).
The meeting had been amazing and there was one person I needed to call to let her know I had got the gig.
‘Mam, I’m going to be hosting Streetmate!’
‘Wow, you’re going to be a little mini Davina! I’m so proud.’
‘Oh, I hope I do Davina proud. If I can be a tenth of the presenter she is I’ll be super happy.’
‘Ah, I’m sure you will be, love.’
‘Mam, I’m buzzing that it’s been brought back. I mean it might actually encourage people to meet face to face, to start to date the old-fashioned way again, like walking up to someone in a bar or a supermarket and asking for their number.’
‘You never know, Scarlett.’
‘I mean, let’s be honest, Mam, what with all these dating apps and people sliding into everybody’s inbox and having sneaky DMs on social media, there’s no ambience to dating any more. You just swipe left or right at a photo that’s been filtered to the hills and hope you’re not being catfished. I mean, no one walks around in real life with a constant Valencia or X-Pro filter, with the saturation turned down and a slight bit of Facetune. It’s just not real any more. Also I feel like no good love story started out with some bloke sending a picture of his penis to his potential future wife and mother to his children.’
‘Scarlett, that’s dirty.’
‘Why Mam, that’s what happens these days, like some of the girls have these apps and have even been sent messages the day after a night out asking if they were in Vodka Revs last night, rather than the guy just going up and asking them for their number when they were actually out. People are too scared of rejection. No one likes the thought of somebody saying no to their face. But they don’t mind doing it to other people via a screen. I just think shy bairns get nothing, you’ve got to ask. What’s the worst someone can say: “No, you can’t have my number”? Well then, they were never the one anyway.’
‘I do think you watch too many Disney movies and you have grand ideas of what love should be like, Scarlett.’
‘No, I think apps and dating sites are great, especially if you have a busy profession or you don’t have a lot of time, or you don’t enjoy going out or you’re shy. It’s a great way for people to meet. Plus, then when you meet up with that person you feel that instant spark and it’s not that awkward small talk as you already know a little about them. I just hope that with Streetmate I can build people’s confidence up when it comes to actually going out and talking to people you don’t know.’ That was what I really wanted to achieve with the show.
I was about to film my first ever episode of Streetmate, just two months after the initial chat about presenting the show. I was given the task of presenting fifteen episodes; that’s thirty dates, that’s sixty potential people who could have found true love by the end of the series (or just a lot of shit, awkward dates). Love makes me giddy, and my heart just melts when I see an elderly couple walking hand in hand down the street; however, I must add I also love seeing the single independent characters. Being single is just as great as being in a relationship sometimes. No awkward meetings with the in-laws and having to pretend you like them. And you don’t have to endure watching a whole season of a show you have no interest in at all. Although on a negative note, you are always put on the shit table at a wedding, sat with the odd uncles and black sheep of the family. But whether you’re single, coupled up with bae, engaged, married, divorced or asexual, I say embrace it!
I had arrived into Bristol to film the lovely George. He wanted a girl aged between eighteen and twenty-four who, and I quote, ‘wore earrings and had skinny blue jeans with a white T-shirt on’. This was going to be harder than I first anticipated. People are so bloody fussy. I was just looking at people who were smiling and looked like they had brushed their hair that morning, but some people have a very specific type. We had one girl who kept turning everyone down because she specifically wanted someone who was wearing chestnut-brown brogues and a tweed jacket. I mean, come on, people can change their bloody shoes! Also they might be a builder and have to wear steel toecap boots to work, I mean a tweed jacket just doesn’t look right teamed with a high-vis. I had to tell some of them, ‘Look, this is why you’re single, stop being so fussy’ (I know it’s harsh but I just wanted them to find love).
I’m not saying go for somebody who you don’t fancy at all but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt doing this show and which I’ve passed on to my friends, it’s this: if you have more than four things on your list of your ‘ideal partner’ then you need to knock some off. Because sometimes this ‘ideal partner’ just doesn’t exist.
Bristol was great, I’d even been given security. Now this w
asn’t because I think I’m big time like Beyoncé and need protecting, it’s more because sometimes people get a bit carried away when they see a camera and, well, turn into knobheads, to put it frankly. If one more man dabs in front of me or shouts the infamous phrase ‘F**k her right in the p*ssy’, I’ll scream.
However, the first security man wasn’t actually sure what his job entailed and was just comical. He kept disappearing and turning up with things like pulled pork sandwiches, a bag of homemade fudge for his wife from a market and selfies with local landmarks. He also told us we needed to get a taxi to get to the Bristol Canal dock. The taxi ended up costing £1.80 and the destination was literally round the corner, I mean it took us longer to get in the taxi, fasten our seatbelts, tell the driver where we were going and pay him than it would have done to walk all of twenty steps. We quickly got rid of Frankie and ended up with the lovely Justin and Michael. Michael actually ended up fancying one of the ladies who I was trying to find a date for (she was a doppelganger for Janet Jackson – nineties Janet Jackson not 2017 Janet Jackson). After a lot of flirty banter (flanter) I decided to set them two up on a date with each other and they ended up leaving hand in hand (cutiepies).
One of my favourite dates was with seventy-six-year-old Geraldine Firequeen. What a hoot! She rocked up looking like a glamorous gran with flowers in her hair and a spring in her step. She had been married four times and wrote erotic novels to pass the time and classed herself as a white witch. After telling me she was psychic, I decided to put her powers to the test.
‘Can you guess what star sign I am, Geraldine?’
‘Ooh yes, definitely Pisces.’
‘No, not quite, I’ll give you another guess.’
‘Cancer?’
‘No. And again.’
‘Taurus?’
This went on for another couple of minutes until she finally guessed correctly, ‘Libra.’
‘By George, you’ve got it, Geraldine, you have the gift.’
We proceeded around the picturesque town of Didsbury (I’ll openly admit at first glance I thought it was somewhere where posh northerners went to die, but I take it all back, it’s very trendy and the people there are very welcoming and friendly). After Geraldine had eyed up a fishmonger, a guy in Tesco and a twenty-three-year-old estate agent, I finally found her dream man sitting in a quiet country pub: Jeff. Let me paint a picture of wor Jeff. He was a tanned seventy-one-year-old Sean Connery lookalike with a turtleneck jumper casually set off by a suit jacket. He collected classic cars, sailed and played the trumpet. I knew Geraldine was going to be thrilled.
She came into the pub and met Jeff for the first time. ‘Wow, you’ve sparked something in me which I haven’t felt since 2005,’ she proclaimed.
‘Well, I’m speechless, it’s so lovely to meet you, Geraldine,’ he said.
I started to cry as I watched the two meet. I think it’s lovely that even if they didn’t find romance they found a new companion; they swapped email addresses (which is cute) to stay in touch. You are never too old to make new friends or to find love.
That reminds me – I often film bits called ‘vox pops’. It’s where I run up to random people on the street and ask them questions. So I asked one husband and wife, ‘Can you remember your first ever date with each other?’
‘Yes, even though we’ve been married forty-five years.’
‘And what was the date like?’
‘Bloody dreadful.’
It’s so funny some of the answers people would give me. I even got proposed to by a man with two tear tattoos on his face at one point. But the funniest vox pop I did was with two eighty-year-olds. They both had blue cardigans on as if they’d purposefully matched for the date, they were holding hands and he kept giving her little kisses on the forehead. It was beautiful to watch that they were so in love.
‘Excuse me, sir, could you please tell me what was the first thing that attracted you to this beautiful lady?’
‘Of course. We first met at a bus stop, she was waiting for the 181 and she had a lilac cardigan on. I was drawn to her brown eyes; they were glowing with adventure and made me feel young again.’
‘Wow,’ I gasped. I was quite taken back by such a poetic response. ‘Feel young again?’ I continued. ‘So how long have you been together?’
‘Oooh, about three years now, lovey.’
‘Ahhh, this is such a great story. Do you mind if I ask you a couple more questions but we film it for this new show Streetmate?’
‘What, to be on TV? Oh no, lovey, we can’t be doing that. You see my wife doesn’t know I’m out with this one. We meet up once a week and head into Cheltenham. I’ve been married to my actual wife for over fifty years and she’s been with her husband for over forty.’
I paused, waiting for the laugh or the punchline, but no, there wasn’t one. I mean I didn’t think that people cheated on each other after a certain age – shows how naive I am. Needless to say, we didn’t use that part for the show.
That night I was ready for my bed; some of the days were 7.30a.m. starts and we would finish at 9.30p.m. I didn’t mind as this was my dream job, but this running around was doing nothing for my bunions (sexy, I know). I ordered room service (a tuna sandwich, as normal) and started flicking through my phone. I noticed I had a new message on Twitter.
@scarlettmoffatt from @thisisdavina
‘I just wanted to say good luck with Streetmate, you are going to smash it xxxxx’
Oh my giddy aunt. The fact that Davina firstly knows I exist, and secondly has wished me luck. It meant so much, I felt like that was her seal of approval. I hope I haven’t let her down. I tried my hardest to hook everyone up and get as close to their ‘type on paper’ as possible.
The next day, me and all the crew travelled back to London to film in Covent Garden. Now I’m going to be totally honest with you as there’s no point in lying, I thought London was going to be really difficult. Even though everyone’s friendly, the thought of running up to people when they’re clearly in a rush got me anxious. ‘What happens if everyone just says they’re too busy?’ I said to Suzy the producer. ‘I mean everyone’s got somewhere to be in London, they might think if I run over to them that I’m trying to sell them something or that I’m one of those annoying people that ask if you’ve ever been in an accident and if you want to sue the person responsible?’
But I had nothing to worry about; it turns out people do want love in London. However, filming took longer than expected what with me having to stop every five minutes with anxiety from all the bloody pigeons. I mean they’re everywhere, watching us with their beady eyes. They don’t care about flapping their wings inches away from you looking like they’re going to kamikaze into you. And where’s all their babies? I mean seriously, have you ever seen a baby pigeon?
The most bizarre thing happened in Covent Garden. I was trying to find a date for this fifty-year-old man. He kept picking out twenty-year-old blondes so I told him, ‘Remember, they’ve got to fancy you back, this is a two-way thing!’ I didn’t mean it rudely but seriously some people think because a TV camera is there, people are automatically gonna say yes. Anyway I was starting to give up hope when I spotted a beautiful-looking woman in her forties in the window of Carluccio’s. ‘Are you single?’ I mouthed. She nodded and I ran in there faster than eight-year-old me when I heard the ice-cream van. To my disbelief she was on FaceTime to her dating coach (you can’t make this stuff up). Not only that but she was flying back to Melbourne that night so was super keen. ‘Yes, let’s just do the date now,’ she demanded confidently. Turns out she is a socialite in Australia and is famous in her own right. She was even bridesmaid for the princess of Denmark. Eeeh, the people you meet and the stories you hear when you take time to stop and chat.
I’ll be honest, their date didn’t go amazingly well, neither did anyone’s really. I mean they all had nice, fun times but out of thirty couples only one of them actually became an item. But I guess that’s love, you’ve g
ot to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming. Or in my case a lot of mammy boys and egotistical, cheating, lazy boys with ‘little man’ syndrome.
I mean seriously, they say love hides behind every corner but I must have been walking around in circles half my life. That was until I found Luke, my first serious relationship. We live together, we go on holidays together, we even go food shopping together – I mean, serious relationship stuff here. And I wasn’t even looking for love. I certainly wasn’t looking for a six-foot ginger, bearded, tattooed alien lover with a tattoo of Jesus on his arm. But love works in mysterious ways.
Everything happens for a reason and fingers crossed in fifty years I will be sat with the love of my life, in a garden with a donkey called Aurora, being proper pensioners, drinking cups of tea, dunking digestives, moaning about the weather and saying phrases like, ‘We only had one dishwasher back in my time, bloody kids these days, they don’t know they’re born.’ Some people (me included) had an image of what the man of my dreams should look like, but I didn’t realise that by having a specific type in my head I was turning everyone down who didn’t quite reach up to that image. I was letting so many incredible people pass me by. I mean I’d met Luke before and let him go by; if only I had made the leap of faith the first time we met we could have been celebrating our fourth anniversary by now.
So whatever makes you happy – dating, not dating, relationship status: taken or relationship status: single – just be you! As some genius once said:
‘Be weird, be random, be who you are.
Because you never know who would love
the person you hide.’
Chapter Twenty-three
CROSS MY PALM WITH SILVER
The pyramids were originally covered with casing stones made of highly polished white limestone. Because of this, it is said that the pyramids could have been seen from the mountains in Israel and maybe even from the moon.
Me Life Story Page 22
