Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
How could I be pregnant? I was on the pill and I was religious about taking them. This had to be some sort of weird anomaly. It wasn’t even time for my period yet. I was due to start in a few days, but my usual PMS was absent.
My breaths stuttered in my lungs, as if they wouldn’t fully expand and I put my head down on my knees.
Renee came back with a bag full of tests.
“Oh my God, you should have seen the face of the guy who bagged these up. I thought he was going to die from embarrassment. I mean, it was hilarious.” I gave her a look that told her I wasn’t finding much humor in the current situation.
“Yeah, sorry. Okay, do you want to go back to the house? No one should be home, but you never know.” Fuck. I didn’t want to deal with seeing anyone.
“I can take you to the hospital and we can do it in one of the bathrooms if you want,” she said when I didn’t immediately jump on that first plan.
The second plan wasn’t ideal either, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go unless I wanted to walk down the street and ring Stephen King’s doorbell.
“Hospital,” I said, my voice rough.
I’d watched this scene many times in movies and read it in books, but nothing prepared me for the absolute terror of sitting in a bathroom and waiting for those stupid lines to appear or not appear.
Renee held my hand and told me soothing things, but I was so out of it I didn’t even know what she was talking about.
“It’s okay,” she said and then the timer on my phone dinged.
“Do you want me to look?” she asked as we both stared at the little white stick sitting on the edge of the sink.
“No,” I said, pushing off from the wall. This was my mess and I was going to deal with it. I rolled my shoulders and took the three steps to get to the sink.
I picked up the stick with trembling hands and saw the word PREGNANT on the digital test.
Eight letters. Rearranged they would spell something completely different, but in this particular order they meant that I currently had a baby inside me.
“Fuck,” I said, dropping the test.
Renee rushed over and picked it up.
“We can do another one, but false positives are extremely rare,” she said and for a second I wished she didn’t know so much about this.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. I didn’t need another test to tell me what I already knew.
I was knocked up. Had a bun in the oven. Was with child. All those incredibly stupid euphemisms that meant that I had a passenger aboard my uterus.
“Taylor,” Renee said, grabbing my hands and forcing me to look at her. “I’m going to take you home, okay? We’ll sit down and figure this out. You don’t need to make any decisions right now. We’re going to figure this out. Okay, sweetheart?” I wanted to snap at her for calling me that, but I didn’t have the brainpower to do so. She shuffled me out of the bathroom and back out to her car. She even buckled my seatbelt for me because I just couldn’t.
On the drive back to the house she left the radio off and kept talking to me. She wasn’t talking about anything in particular, just her classes and her homework and other random things.
The chatter helped me keep my grip on sanity so I didn’t fly off in a thousand different directions.
Renee hurried me into the house and sat me on the living room couch before brewing me some lemon ginger tea and bringing it to me. I was grateful to have something solid to hold onto because the world was starting to feel like it was going to float away from me. Or I was going to float away from it.
“How are you feeling?” Renee asked. She’d been staring at me, as if waiting for me to talk or cry or do something.
“Honestly? I have no fucking idea. Right now I almost feel like I’m in a play or movie or something. That this isn’t real and any minute now I’m going to realize that this is a joke or a mistake and I can go back to normal.” But that wasn’t going to happen. Renee patted my shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to. Whatever you want to do, that’s what we’ll do.” For someone who flew off the handle a lot, Renee was amazing in a crisis. As long as it wasn’t her crisis. I was so glad I’d called her.
“I don’t know if I want to talk about it. What is there to talk about? I’m pregnant. Holy shit, Renee, I’m pregnant.” The word felt so foreign in my mouth. I couldn’t wrap my tongue around it.
“Yeah, babe, you are. But I have some very good news. You have a man in your life that loves the shit out of you.” Hunter. Oh, how could I not be thinking about him? I’d gone straight to think of how this affected me first, and had barely given him a thought.
“Hunter,” I said and Renee nodded.
“You’re going to have to tell him. You don’t have to do it now, but he’s going to figure it out and sooner rather than later is usually the best policy. Then you aren’t alone. You’re not alone, Taylor. Do you hear me? You are not alone in this.” She squeezed my hand so tight that it hurt.
“I know,” I said and then the tears came again. I honestly didn’t even know why I was crying. I was just totally and completely overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t handle it. There was just too much. I wanted a distraction from all the mental explosions and questions and all the other insanity that was happening in my head, but nothing was going to push that aside right now. I was in the thick of it and I couldn’t see a way out.
Renee sat with me as I drank three cups of tea and stared at the TV, flipping through channels. I didn’t know what else to do. What else could I do? I had to wait until Hunter got home from work at the library and I knew I was going to have to tell him first thing. There was no way I could lie to his face. He knew me far too well.
Jos banged through the door and Renee rushed to tell her that she should go downstairs, but Jos wasn’t having that.
“What’s wrong?” Jos said, coming around the corner and staring at me. “What happened? You’re freaking me out, don’t do this to me.” She had her hand on her chest and her skin had gone so white I thought she was going to faint. No point beating around the bush. Everyone was going to know sooner or later and I was too emotionally exhausted to bother putting up a front.
“I’m pregnant,” I said and she collapsed into the recliner with relief.
“Holy fuck, do not do that to me ever again. I thought someone had died.” She closed her eyes and started to cry and then it dawned on me why she was so upset.
“Oh, Jos, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m an asshole.” Jos’ best friend had been killed in a car accident so it was only natural she would think that was what had happened.
She sniffed and wiped her eyes with the corner of her sleeve.
“I’m sorry. I just… I’m so glad no one is dead. But why are you so upset?” Was she serious?
Jos looked from me to Renee and back.
“I mean, you’re already engaged and you’re graduating soon-ish. What’s the big deal?” She sniffed and wiped her face again.
“Do I really have to lay it out for you?” I asked, but she put her hands up.
“Sorry, sorry. Just trying to be positive.” She wasn’t helping. I was about to go up to my room when Darah walked in, followed by Mase. Of course, they saw us all in the living room and wanted to be filled in on what was going on.
“For real?” Mase said, his face breaking into a huge smile. “I’m going to be an uncle?” Well, someone was happy about it, at least. So happy that he grabbed me up in a bear hug and whirled me around the room and even cried. And right in the middle of everything, Hunter got home.
“Whoa, what’s going on?” he said, tossing his bag down and staring at Mase as he gently set me on my feet. I was still a little dizzy from all the spinning around.
Fuck. The time had come. I wanted to throw up again, but this time it wasn’t because of the baby.
The baby. I had a baby inside me. I looked down and pressed my h
and to my lower stomach.
I looked up to meet Hunter’s eyes, which were wide as dinner plates.
He’d noticed where my hand had gone.
“You’re not,” he said. “Are you?”
Now or never.
“Yeah. I’m pregnant.”
I thought my heart was going to fucking burst out of my chest. My feet took me across the room, pushing people out of the way to get to Taylor.
I seized her and held her tight. Maybe too tight, but she didn’t ask me to let go.
“You’re pregnant?” My voice cracked and I was on the verge of absolutely losing it. She nodded.
“Oh my God, Missy. Oh my God.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“Hunter, I can’t breathe,” she said, her words muffled by my shirt. I was holding her way too tight. Shit.
I set her down and stepped back.
“Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Can I get you anything?” What could I do? What did she need? I had no fucking idea.
This was why she’d been acting so weird. I should have seen it earlier. I was an idiot with my head up my ass.
“I’m okay,” she said and it finally clicked that she was not as excited as I was about this. I led her to the couch and we sat down. At some point everyone else had left the room so it was just the two of us.
“Are you okay? Taylor, I’m going to need you to talk to me about this. I’m sorry, I should have asked how you were doing first.” I reached out to her, but I had no idea what to do, how to offer her comfort. I needed a fucking manual or something.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I’m freaking the fuck out, to be honest. I don’t know how this happened, but it’s happening. I just… I think I’m still in shock. It’s just… How is this happening? I’m not… I mean… What?” She just gave me a little surprised laugh and I pulled her into my arms.
“We’ll figure this out. Okay?” I tamped down my elation for the moment. I could say that I was there for her all I wanted, but she was the one this was happening to right now. She would be the one to go through the pregnancy. All I could do was support her along the way.
“How is this happening?” she said into my shoulder. I almost made a sarcastic answer, but then she might have slapped me. And rightfully so.
“Can I get you anything? Anything at all. You name it and it’s yours.” If she asked for a fucking unicorn, I’d go down to Cabella’s, get a damn crossbow and go hunting.
“I don’t even know. Can we just cuddle and watch a movie or something? And not talk about it right now?” That wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I shut my mouth and nodded.
“Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat.” She nodded again and asked for pizza, popcorn and nachos. I got my ass to the kitchen to take care of my girl.
My pregnant girl.
Holy. Shit.
Hunter was so excited and I could see him stifling it for me. It made me feel like a total bitch, but I just couldn’t share that happiness with him yet. I was still stuck in the shock stage. I had no idea how long the shock would last, but I was pretty comfortable with it right now.
Hunter ran around like a man possessed, getting me twice as many things as I asked for. Everyone else pretty much left us alone and huddled in the basement until I yelled at them to come up and act normal. I got a lot of stares and looks, but they all kept their mouths shut. I cuddled with Hunter on the couch, Darah on the other side.
I couldn’t say it yet but I was glad they were all here. They were all so supportive and loved me to pieces. I wasn’t alone. Darah’s fingers played in my hair and Hunter held my hand.
Slowly, my panic shifted into something else and I started to relax a little. I was still exhausted but now I knew why.
I just… I never thought this would be me. Then again, I never thought Hunter would walk into my life and turn everything upside down, so I should probably just stop making plans and expectations because they kept getting smashed and destroyed and spectacular ways.
I had class tomorrow. I had work and the Clinic tomorrow too. I couldn’t make my brain imagine doing that. I just couldn’t see anything past the word PREGNANT in my head.
Renee and Mase were fighting about what we were going to watch on Netflix. In some ways tonight was just like any other night, except for one major difference.
“Will you skip tomorrow and stay home with me?” I whispered in Hunter’s ear. He jumped a little because I hadn’t said anything for a long time.
“Of course. Whatever you want to do.” I needed some time to sleep and think. And I wanted to call my mom. I really wanted to talk to my mom. I needed her to help me sort this out. And Tawny. I had to call her too.
“Thank you,” I said, squeezing his hand.
“I’ll do anything for you. Anything,” he said, looking at me.
“I know.”
I just didn’t know what I wanted us to do.
I was surprised that she fell asleep on me after all the chaos from earlier. She just seemed so on edge that I had thought she’d be up all night, but right around nine o’clock, I turned to say something to her and she was fast asleep. I picked her up carefully so as not to wake her and took her upstairs.
I was the one who didn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop turning everything over in my mind. I even put my hand on her belly, to see if I could feel anything, but there was no difference. Not yet. She must be very, very early. Not that I knew a whole lot about pregnancy. I spent the rest of the night on my laptop, reading everything I could get online. It gave me a lot of information, but a lot of said information freaked me the fuck out.
There were so many things that could go wrong, even in this early stage. No wonder Taylor was still in shock. I shut my laptop and put it on the floor. Gray morning light had started to fill the room, but Taylor was still sacked out next to me. I wasn’t surprised she’d wanted an extra day. I’d already sent emails to my professors claiming I had a family emergency. It wasn’t a lie.
I dozed off for a little while, but snapped awake when Taylor moved.
“Oh, shit,” she said, running for the bathroom again. This time I was ready and there to rub her back and hold her hair.
“I hate this, I hate this,” she said in between heaves. It didn’t bother me at all. We’d long ago gotten over the gross factor of seeing each other throw up.
“I’m sorry, baby.” I said, wiping her forehead with a wet cloth. She sat back and took a few breaths.
“I’ve only been aware of this thing for less than twenty-four hours and it’s already being a total asshole.” I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or not, but then she smiled and I was so fucking relieved. If she could joke, that meant she was doing better.
“Well, it is half mine so…” I said and she leaned her head back and laughed.
“You raise a very good point, Mr. Zaccadelli.” I held my hand out to help her up. She decided she wanted to take a shower, so I left her to it.
When she came out of the bathroom, she looked a lot better.
“My stomach is still a little touchy, but I think I’m going to be okay.” I went downstairs to get her some tea and toast and brought it back up on a tray.
“Man, if I had known being knocked up would get you to wait on me hand and foot, I might have done it sooner.” Yes. This was definitely going better. Wrapped in just her towel she sat on the bed and ate carefully.
“Okay,” she said, setting down her empty teacup. “I think I’m ready to talk about this now.”
“Really?” I said.
She licked her lips as I sat on the bed next to her.
“Yeah. So.” She stopped there and I waited for her to continue.
“Soooo….” I said, drawing the word out.
“So, I’m pregnant. And it’s yours, obviously, and we’re engaged. So. I mean, what other choice is there?” She shrugged and something about the way she said it didn’t sit right with me.
“Taylor. I don’t want y
ou to have this baby because you feel some sort of obligation. I want you to want it. Otherwise, we definitely need to talk.”
She rubbed the space between her eyebrows.
“I know that. I mean, I guess… I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s still very new and scary. I need to talk to my mom and my sister. It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that it doesn’t seem real yet. I don’t know. A baby,” she said, putting her hand on her lower stomach, “is a very scary concept. I need some more time to get used to the idea that there is literally a human growing inside me. I’m not upset about it, exactly. Just freaking out because it’s so unexpected. I think it was those damn antibiotics. I forgot that they can mess with birth control. That’s my fault and here we are.” She shrugged and gave me a little smile. I wasn’t going to say that this was meant to be because I didn’t want her to punch me, but I couldn’t help but feel that this was how things were supposed to be for us.
The trip to Texas, everything. All I could think of was my mom and how thrilled she would be to know about her first grandchild. Taylor and I had talked about children, but only in the future and only in the abstract. I knew we both wanted them, but we had been so busy with school and I had been busy trying to convince her to marry me that kids hadn’t been on the radar.
Well, they were now. At least one.
A baby. I was trying to not let myself get too far ahead, but I couldn’t help but picture a little girl with Taylor’s eyes and my hair smiling up at me. A boy would be fine too, but a little girl who looked like Taylor would be amazing.
“What?” Taylor said and I realized that I had drifted off.
“Nothing. Just thinking about stuff,” I said and her eyes narrowed.
“I know you, Hunter. I know where your head is at. You can tell me. I’m not going to break or fly off the handle. You’re over the moon and hiding it. I saw it last night.”
“I don’t want to pressure you.”
“Um, since when? You tried to get me into bed the second we met.”
I laughed. That was true, but this was different. She motioned for me to go on. I thought about what I should say. As much as she’d said she wanted me to tell the truth, I was going to hold back a little.
Our Favorite Days Page 12
