Maddie thanked her for lunch, and she and Sean walked outside. He had to get back to work. He had spent three hours with her, and she was grateful for the warm reception. It wasn’t the visit she had expected, but it felt right and the way it was intended to happen. She was still holding the photograph in her arms, when he walked her back to the SUV.
“Thank you, for everything, for all the things you said,” she said softly.
“You meant so much to my dad, Maddie, along with his family and this ranch. He never stopped loving you,” and she hadn’t stopped loving him either. She wished she could have seen him again, but she knew he had died happy, and had his dream. Sometimes that was all you got, some dreams weren’t meant to come true, and theirs hadn’t, but this was close enough. She and Sean hugged tightly for a long time, and then she got into her car and carefully put Andy’s photo on the floor of the passenger seat so nothing would happen to it.
“Stay in touch, and come back whenever you want,” Sean invited her.
“You too.” She had left her numbers with Becky. “Let me know when the twins come.”
He nodded. “I’m thinking Madison Wyatt has a nice ring to it.” He smiled at her, and she realized instantly that it would have been her name if she’d married Andy. But at least there would be a Madison Wyatt after all, if they used her name.
He waved as she drove away, and her heart caught as she passed through the gates of the ranch. She stopped and looked back at everything he had built and loved so much, with the mountains watching over them. He had had the life he wanted. She got out and took a picture of it, and then she got back in the car and drove away. It was the last stop on her pilgrimage and the most important one. Even though they hadn’t been together, she knew that Andy was happy at last. Maybe that was what she had needed to know, that she hadn’t ruined his life by leaving him. She had freed him to follow his dreams, while she followed hers. They each had their own paths to follow and destinies to fulfill, and they had.
Chapter 8
After she left the ranch, Maddie went back to the B and B to pack. She had no reason to stay in the area after that. She had done what she came to do. She hadn’t seen Andy, but she had seen his family and his ranch, and knew the answers to all that she had wondered about for so long. She had a bittersweet sense of loss that she had missed him only by weeks. But she had learned everything she needed to know. She was exhausted, but at peace. She set his photograph on the nightstand and fell asleep. She felt him watching over her, and it was late afternoon when she woke up.
She could have stayed another night there, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to bother Becky and Sean by inviting them to dinner. They had a ranch to run, two young children, and were expecting twins any minute. She didn’t want to be an imposition. It was time to move on. She wasn’t sure where to go now. She had left herself plenty of time to stay at the ranch, if things turned out the way she had hoped. She hadn’t expected that to happen, but she had given herself and Andy the space to explore the options if they wanted to. She’d never expected Andy would be gone at his age. It was a reminder to her that death was not predictable. According to Sean, a year before, Andy had been vital, active, and healthy, and had gotten sick almost overnight with pancreatic cancer. It had ravaged him in a matter of months. It made every moment seem that much more precious and she realized too that Andy wouldn’t have wanted her to see him that way after so long. Maybe she had arrived at the right time after all, if she hadn’t come back years earlier, when it might have made a difference. But even then it wouldn’t have been possible. It never was, from the moment they met. It was an impossible love for both of them. And finally time had run out.
She remembered a trip they had taken to Big Sur once, and she had loved it. She decided to go there now, in tribute to him. She consulted her phone and saw that it was an eleven-hundred-mile drive, and would take seventeen or eighteen hours. She could make it in one day if she drove hard on a route through Sacramento, but she had time on her hands and didn’t need to rush. After a few days, she could visit Ben and his family in San Francisco, if they had time. Big Sur was only a few hours south of San Francisco, and an easy drive.
She loved the surf and the dramatic coastline around Big Sur. It seemed like a fitting place to honor Andy and gather her thoughts. They had stayed at the Post Ranch Inn, a beautiful, secluded place. They had gone on long walks together and talked about their future, which never happened in the end. And now it seemed a suitable place to end her trip to see him. There would be a sense of closure to it that was right, now that she knew he was gone.
She felt more peaceful than she had at the beginning of the trip, when her thoughts were in turmoil after what Deanna had said. It had all begun with finding the box of old photographs and letters that had led her back to all three men, then falling off the ladder and breaking her ankle. She felt steady again now, and sure of herself. She hadn’t spoken to Deanna since she left and didn’t want to. But she had a sure sense now that Deanna couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. Maddie was the master of her own destiny, and of how she wanted to spend the remaining years of her life.
She remembered Jacques’s words not to forget that she was an exciting woman, and that she needed more in her life than she had allowed herself to have in so many years. She would have been tempted to try again with Andy. She admitted to herself now that it had been in the back of her mind, but it would have been no more right for them now than it had been eighteen years ago when they met. His family’s life on the ranch was warm and wonderful and rewarding, but it wasn’t for her. She and Andy both knew it, or one of them would have reached out long before now, but they never had. She was a free woman again, in a way she hadn’t been for the past seventeen years. She felt stronger and less alone than she had in a long time.
She put the photographs of the ranch on Instagram before she left the B and B and she got a text from Ben quickly.
“How’s Andy?” He didn’t want to intrude but he was curious, and hopeful for her now. He had gotten a sense of how solitary she was, and wanted something good to happen to her, before any of Deanna’s predictions for her future could come true. He didn’t want her to be alone anymore.
Maddie answered him as gently as she could, not sure if it would upset him or not. “He died two months ago. The ranch is wonderful. Sean sends you his love. He has two little boys and is expecting twins any minute. Sweet wife.”
Ben took a few minutes to gather his wits before he answered. He could only imagine how she felt, especially if this entire odyssey had been to see him.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. Are you okay?”
“Sorry I missed him, and very sad,” she answered, “but things turned out as they were meant to. The ranch was his dream. It’s perfect.”
“You were his dream too.”
“I’m okay,” she reassured him. “Shocked at first.”
“Where to now? Staying for a while?”
“No. Big Sur. Any interest in a visit from me, five days or a week from now? No pressure. I understand if you’re too busy.”
“Not too busy. I’d love it. Let me know when. Can’t wait to see you,” he said, and he meant it. He felt as though he had gotten to know her better through her photographs in the last week on her Instagram. He suddenly had a deeper insight into her solitude, who she was, and what she wrestled with every day.
He told Laura about the visit when he got home from the office that night and she looked instantly uncomfortable.
“I just don’t think that’s going to work. We’re out almost every night for the next two weeks. I’m on the host committee of two major benefits only a few days apart. The kids are getting out of school soon, and we’re going to Hawaii the day they get out. We have a lot to do before then.” He looked at her in a way he never had before.
“Why don’t you want my mother here?
” he asked bluntly.
“I didn’t say that. I love having your mother visit, and so do the kids. We’re just so busy in the next few weeks, maybe another time.” As he listened to her, he realized how often he had let her convince him to fob his mother off and postpone her trips to San Francisco so that they never happened, and he wasn’t going to let it happen once more.
“She’s had a tough time for the last few weeks. I’m not postponing a visit from her again. You can take someone else to the benefits, if you need to. My mother needs to visit us more than once or twice a year. We see your parents all the time.” It was the first time he had objected to the imbalance between how often they saw her family versus his mother. And Laura didn’t like hearing it. She was furious when he told her he might not go to the benefits so he could spend time with his mother.
“I’ll try to make it work,” she said, visibly annoyed about it, and Ben shook his head as he stared at her. There was a steely determination in his eyes she had never seen before and didn’t like.
“No, Laura. Not this time. Don’t try to make it work. Just do it.” And with that he turned on his heel and walked out of the room.
He called Deanna that night to tell her where their mother was, and that she was okay.
“She’s in Wyoming. She went to see Andy Wyatt and found out when she got there that he died two months ago.” He sounded somber when he said it.
“Is that what all this mystery has been about? Visiting an old boyfriend? She must be desperate. He was never suitable for her.”
“They loved each other,” Ben said simply.
“That tells you that she’s not all there mentally. Why would she go to see an old boyfriend from twenty years ago? What does she need with that now? Thank God she didn’t marry him, she’d have been buried out in Wyoming somewhere. That’s not her style.” As usual, Deanna was harsh and unsympathetic. Ben was as annoyed with her as he was with his wife. He was Maddie’s only ally.
“He was a good guy.” He was touched by Andy’s death and knew how Maddie must have felt when she heard about it.
“She’d have been miserable there,” Deanna said sharply. “She knew it too. She knew what she was doing when she left him.”
“Maybe she’s not desperate, but she’s lonely, Dee. I think that’s why she went to see him.”
“To exhume the past?”
“Maybe just to touch it again, before you put a geriatric alarm around her neck and kick her out of the house she loves.”
“You can’t blame it all on me. She’s getting old.”
“Not that old. Maybe she wants a man in her life. She’s not too old for that.”
“I was thinking more like a nurse.”
“I’m thinking like a boyfriend. Don’t be such a hard-ass.”
“She’ll have to face reality at some point.”
“Not yet. And hopefully not for a long time. We need to try harder now. I hardly ever see her. You never do either, or not enough, and you live in the same city. She never sees Milagra. And she never complains about any of it. What good is having three kids if you never see them?” He felt acutely guilty after following her Instagram for the last week. Her solitude shrieked from the images.
“We’re busy, and so is she.”
“We also have young kids and spouses. All she has now is her work. That’s not enough.”
“Well, thank God she didn’t go off with the cowboy again.”
“Why? What difference would it make to you? I’d rather know she’s happy. I don’t care who she’s with. That’s her business, not ours.”
“Don’t be such a romantic. She doesn’t need a boyfriend at her age.”
“Why not? Maybe she does. I hope she finds whatever she’s looking for.”
“I still think this trip was crazy, and maybe she’s getting senile. This could be the first sign.”
“That’s the furthest thing she is.”
He hung up a few minutes later, even more annoyed with her. Deanna was refusing to see their mother as a human being facing a hard time in life. It shocked him and made him sad for his mother that he was the only one who saw it and cared how she felt. His heart ached for her now.
* * *
—
Maddie wasn’t thinking of her daughter, or her son, as she checked out of the B and B. She was thinking of Andy, and Sean and his children. She was glad she had gone to visit them. She had a long drive ahead now to Big Sur, but she was looking forward to it.
She took more photographs of the mountains and the light before she drove out of town and found her way to the freeway. It was sunset by then, and she got some beautiful shots. They seemed to symbolize the end of the story, and Maddie wondered, as Ben had, if the trip to Andy’s ranch and beloved mountains had given her closure at last.
She felt quiet and peaceful as she drove south. She didn’t put the music on. She just wanted to drive for a while, thinking of him. She had put his photograph in her suitcase, wrapped in a sweater so the glass wouldn’t break. It had been the nicest gift Sean could give her.
She had driven three hundred miles when she stopped at one A.M. and checked in to a small motel in Nevada. The countryside around it looked barren, and there was a single slot machine in the lobby. She had another long drive ahead of her, about eleven or twelve hours, and so she left at six A.M. She stopped for coffee an hour later, and drove steadily through the day, only stopping when she had to.
She drove along the coast road once she got to Big Sur. The waves were crashing around the rocks. There was a wisp of fog over the ocean, and the sun was lowering slowly in the sky. She stopped and sat looking at it for a long time. The air was cool, and she loved the sound of the ocean. It had been the right place to come. Her mind was full of memories of Andy, the trip they had made there, other places they’d been, his visit to New York, the things they had said to each other, the promises they’d made. It all washed over her like the ocean, and then swept away like the tide.
She felt cleansed, and whole again. She wasn’t frightened of what lay ahead, no matter what Deanna said. Her threats seemed irrelevant now. She felt brave again, and her solitude didn’t scare her. She was used to it. Her life would be no different now than it had been for seventeen years without Andy. The only difference was that in the back of her mind she no longer clung to the thought that she could go back to him one day, if she wanted to. He was truly gone now, but she felt ready to face it. And whatever the future held, she would deal with it, alone, as she had for most of her life. The possibility of sharing a life with Andy in the end had been an illusion. She knew that now. She had her children and her work, and whatever life chose to put in her path. She was strong enough to deal with it, just as she always had been. She had found her strength again.
She started the car and drove to the hotel then. The hotel was as beautiful and peaceful as she had remembered it. She was shown to a room with a view of the Pacific. There was a path leading to other parts of the property and hiking trails in the area. She couldn’t hike on uneven terrain in her walking cast, but she could go for walks on terra firma, and sit and watch the ocean for hours.
She ordered dinner in her room that night, but planned to eat in the dining room the next day. It was a romantic spot, a destination for couples, and she suspected she might be the only one there alone, but she was used to it. It was the reality of her life, had been for a long time, and maybe would be forever, but she wasn’t going to let that spoil it for her.
She set Andy’s photograph on the dresser when she unpacked. She had taken the room for five nights. She would go to San Francisco after that, to see Ben and his family, and maybe on to visit Milagra. But first she wanted to soak in the atmosphere of tranquility around her. There were massages and spa treatments. It was all part of the healing process, which was why she had come here.
She had com
e a long way since she’d left New York: to Boston, to see Bob Holland, Jacques in Chicago, and she had laid the memory of Andy to rest on his ranch in Wyoming. Now she was in Big Sur, alone and at peace, ready for whatever came next.
Chapter 9
Maddie took full advantage of everything the Post Ranch Inn offered: the less strenuous trails because of the cast on her ankle, the views of the ocean, a massage on her first day there. She felt thoroughly spoiled and pampered. She drove a little way to the next town on the first afternoon. She felt rested and relaxed, although there was still a lingering sadness over Andy’s death, as much for him as for herself, but she didn’t let it pull her down.
She stopped at a little coffee shop for a cappuccino before going back to the Post Ranch Inn. She took it outside, sat at a small table in the sunshine, and noticed a man a few tables away reading a British newspaper. People came from all over to enjoy the coastline and the ocean. He didn’t notice her and was reading avidly as she sipped her coffee and looked out at the Pacific. There were whitecaps and a cool breeze. She was thinking of all the places she had been in the last week. It had been an interesting odyssey, even more so than she’d hoped, and she had laid all her old ghosts to rest. She felt freer than she had in years.
She finished her cappuccino and walked past the man reading the English newspaper. He looked up when she did, and smiled at her. She smiled back and nodded, then went to take more pictures and drove back to the hotel.
She ate in the hotel restaurant, then read in her room and went to bed early. The next day, when she had driven to a spot to take photographs, she found a trail that led down to the beach and she followed it. She walked along the ocean for a while, although it was hard on the sand with her cast. She was surprised when she crossed paths with a man going in the opposite direction. He smiled and looked familiar, and she realized it was the Englishman from the coffee shop. She smiled back. It was a windy day and her hair was flying around her. He had his collar up in the stiff breeze. She eventually decided to go back to her car and return to the hotel. It was harder to negotiate the trail going up than down with her cast. She wasn’t making much progress when she heard a voice with a British accent behind her.
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