by Liz Isaacson
“It was Dave Merrill,” she said, reaching for her iced tea. “You remember him, don’t you?”
Her mom blinked, her mouth hanging open. “David Merrill? The man you were supposed to marry?”
“The one you loved,” Sissy said with a grin. “The one you told me I’d regret forever if I broke up with him.”
“Well, I can’t—how did you reconnect?”
“He works at the ranch.”
Her mother looked absolutely delighted. “What a coincidence.”
“Quite,” Sissy said. At least Dave’s call had made it easy to tell her mom who she was dating. She’d arrived in town early, being unable to sleep the night before. She’d spent the morning at the beach, because the waves and sunshine soothed her, and she needed a few hours to herself. Just her and her thoughts.
She’d met her mom at the house, and they’d had lunch before they’d decided to do a little shopping.
“How’s Jess?”
“Oh, we’re not to Jess,” her mom said. “Tell me more about Dave.”
“What about him? He’s about the same. Older. A little grayer.” She smiled. “But almost the same.”
Almost was the key word, because Dave wasn’t exactly the same. He had some issues to work through. He wasn’t perfect, and he didn’t forgive easily. Everything she’d said to him on the phone streamed through her, and she felt it all keenly.
She wasn’t sure why he was so interested in her. She had nothing to offer him, and he was smart enough to know it.
“Did he ever get married?”
“No,” Sissy said.
“So no children.”
“No children.” Sissy played with her napkin, relieved when the waitress returned and asked if they were ready to order.
“Just the tea for me,” her mom said.
“I’ll take the chocolate cake,” Sissy said. No, she didn’t need the extra calories. But she sure did need the sugar.
Her mother sipped her iced tea and stirred the straw around, making the ice clink into the glass. She watched Sissy like she had something to say, but she remained silent.
“Mom, I’m afraid I’ve waited too long to get married.” The words just blurted out of Sissy’s mouth. Whatever her mother had been planning to say stayed dormant.
Her eyes widened again, a slip of surprise moving through them. Then she reached over and put her hand over Sissy’s. “Maybe,” she said, and that was all.
Sissy almost preferred a lecture. Some way she could rage and get all of her feelings out. An argument where she could defend her life choices and feel good about herself again.
The chocolate cake came, and the waitress had brought two forks. Sissy pushed one toward her mom and said, “Don’t make me eat this by myself.”
Her mother picked up the fork and took a bite of the chocolate cake. It was sweet and rich and heavenly in Sissy’s mouth.
“Sissy,” her mom said. “You can’t change what’s happened. Trust me when I say I spent so many years trying to do that.”
“Yeah?” Sissy asked.
“When your father left, I wanted to go back and see if I could’ve made him stay. If I would’ve just done this, or done that.” She shook her head. “The reality is, you have no way of knowing. You and Dave could’ve gotten married when you were twenty-five, and your life wouldn’t have been what you wanted. Or it might have been. You might have had ten babies, or none at all. You might have moved all over the word or stayed right here. You just don’t know.”
Sissy could hear the wisdom in her words. See the pain on her face when she talked about Sissy’s dad. “I know.”
“So what’s the real problem? If you want to marry Dave, is he not willing?”
“I think he probably is,” Sissy said, his words ringing in her ears. “He wants to be a father.” She shrugged and dug into the cake again. “I’m forty-three years old.”
“Ah.” Her mom nodded and scooped up another bite of cake. “So you didn’t wait too long to get married.” She looked at Sissy, the same dark eyes shining out of her mother’s face that she possessed. “You’re worried you waited too long to have a family.”
“Yeah,” Sissy said. “That about sums it up.”
“And that’s why you called me earlier this week.”
“Yes.” Sissy ducked her head, though she wasn’t sure why. “I was just missing you, and I wanted to talk to someone about it.”
“You haven’t said anything to Dave?”
“I have,” she said. “He says there’s lots of ways to get a baby.”
“He’s right.”
“I know,” Sissy said, sighing and looking away. How could she explain how she felt? “I just kind of want my own kids.”
“They will be yours,” her mom said. “The heart has an unlimited capacity to love.”
Sissy heard all the love in her mother’s voice, and it drew her back to her. “I’m sorry I ran away all those years ago.”
Her mom waved one hand. “Honey, you were on your own path. You loved it, and while I didn’t agree with it, you never did anything to me you need to apologize for.”
Slowly, the rest of the cake got eaten, and finally, her mom said, “I started seeing someone a few months ago.”
Sissy’s eyes widened as a smile spread across her face. “Mom. You did?”
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” Sissy said, scraping her fork across the plate though she’d already gotten all the chocolate she could.
“Like I haven’t dated, ever.”
Sissy giggled, covering her mouth with one hand. Her mother smiled too, and Sissy let her laughter fly. “Mom, you haven’t dated in forever. Who is this guy?”
“I met him at the bookshop.”
“Ooh, the bookshop,” Sissy said, adopting an English accent. Some of her worries and cares over her possible infertility and her definite inferiority complex with Dave disappeared, and she enjoyed her afternoon and evening with her mother.
Dave never strayed too far from her mind, even though the weekend was fun. More fun than Sissy had had with her family in a long, long time. She met her mom’s boyfriend, and he clearly adored her. Adam was older, like her mom, and he had four children.
Her mother’s comment about having a heart that could love limitlessly suddenly made more sense, and Sissy was so glad she’d followed the prompting to call her mother when she was distressed the other night.
As she drove north on Sunday night, she put the window down and just enjoyed herself. Dave wouldn’t be at the ranch when she went in tomorrow, and she was actually glad. Now that she’d confessed that she felt inadequate to be with him, they could start to work through things.
She hoped.
She knew that she would not be the one to break up with him. Not this time. If their relationship was going to end, he was going to have to do it. Sissy almost texted her friends when she pulled into her driveway that evening, but she decided she needed to figure out how to be alone.
For someone who’d done so much by herself, she sure didn’t like spending time with her thoughts. Tonight, she went into her backyard and sat on the steps where she’d been when she’d called her mother.
Letting her thoughts go wherever they wanted, she gazed around, thinking she’d like a dog to spend her evenings with. Of course, she’d been busy with Dave in the evenings, and he had a canine already.
So no dog.
“You don’t need a dog,” she told herself, her voice loud among the whispering breeze in her backyard.
She definitely felt like she needed something, but she wasn’t sure what.
“What should I do?” she asked the sky. The wind picked up, almost like God was trying to say something back to her. The words got whipped away before she could truly hear what they were saying.
“I don’t want to leave Last Chance Ranch,” she said, and she knew that. She liked her job there. Loved it, in fact. She liked the people there. Scarlett, and Adele, and all o
f the other women. She loved the goat yoga. She was very good at her job.
“So am I doing what I’m meant to do with my life?” she wondered. A sense of peace came over her, and she told herself to stop worrying so much. She had a good job. A gorgeous boyfriend. Fun friends. She’d been all over the world, seen and done things not many people had the opportunity to do.
She couldn’t have everything, could she? Was she a bad person if she wanted it all? Wanted the house, the white picket fence, the job, the man, the kids—on top of the amazing life she’d already had?
Sissy couldn’t think about it anymore, and she went inside to go to bed so she could just stop thinking.
That certainly didn’t work, but she managed to get some sleep and get to work on time the next morning. Since she’d been gone for a couple of days, she had plenty to do to distract her—thankfully.
Dave didn’t usually get back until mid-afternoon from his military weekends, and as the clock ticked closer and closer to that time, her heart began to dance around inside her chest. Would he come see her right away? Check in with Cache, who usually took over his chores for him? Was he as anxious to see her as she was to see him?
What would she even say to him when he finally walked in?
She pushed all the questions—so many blasted questions—out of her mind and focused on the numbers. Numbers didn’t lie. Numbers always added up, and they didn’t leave her wondering why something hadn’t worked out.
Five o’clock came, and she hadn’t seen Dave yet. Anxiety blipped through her with every heartbeat as she shut down her computer and got ready to go home.
But she wasn’t going to go home. She was going to find Dave and they were going to work things out. Her decision made, she pulled out her phone and texted him.
Where are you? Did you make it back to the ranch okay?
Home, his response came almost immediately.
Can I stop by?
Of course.
Sissy wished she’d had more than coffee on the way to the ranch to put in her stomach, but she hadn’t packed a lunch. By the time she went up the steps at Dave’s cabin, her stomach was positively shaking.
He opened the door before she knocked, and he looked casual and comfortable in a pair of gym shorts and a T-shirt that said GO ARMY across the front of it. He still wore the cowboy hat, of course, but nothing on his feet, and he looked delicious and exhausted at the same time.
“Hey,” he said, a smile touching his lips.
“Hey.” She moved right into his arms, and it was easy. “I missed you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He held her, and they swayed for a few minutes. Then he finally said, “Come in, and let’s talk.”
Chapter 16
Dave had endured a rough weekend, but Sissy had come to him, and he wasn’t going to turn her away. “Are you hungry?” he asked, closing the door behind her.
“Yeah,” she said. “I didn’t bring lunch today.”
“Why not?”
“Just forgot,” she said, removing her heels and leaving them by his front door.
Dave wasn’t sure he believed her, but he didn’t want to push her on it. He’d been wrestling with her image of him for days, and he was simply too tired. He was not perfect, and he couldn’t deal with the weight of it.
He took her hand and played with her fingers. “How was your visit with your mom?”
“Great,” she said, and when he looked into her eyes, he could tell she meant it. “We talked about a lot, and it was just exactly what I needed.”
“I’m glad,” he said.
She put both hands on his chest, sending pops of attraction through him. He couldn’t believe he’d told her she was the only woman for him. He might as well have opened up his chest and told her to start sawing his heart out.
She tipped up onto her toes and kissed him, and Dave sure liked the sweet taste of her mouth. She was minty, and it made his lips tingle. “I’m sorry I freaked out last week,” she whispered.
“Is that what that was?” he asked, touching his lips to her chin and then her neck.
“Yeah, I just…think too much.”
“So that hasn’t changed about you.” He chuckled and pulled away, starting to feel himself slipping in his resolve to keep things between them on safe ground. He found everything about her desirable, and surely she knew that.
“Some things die hard.” She grinned at him. “Rough weekend?”
“Yes,” he said simply, not wanting to get into it. “I stopped on my way home and grabbed a pizza.”
“Ah, anticipating me coming over?” She followed him into the kitchen, and gladness spread through Dave as she did.
“Hoping,” he said. And yet, he hadn’t texted her. Hadn’t invited her. It felt nice to have her come to him, when he felt like he’d been pursuing her for so long. No, he hadn’t gone to China, or Switzerland, or Chile, but he still felt like he’d been following her all over the world, patiently waiting for her to come back to him.
He opened the fridge and took the take-and-bake pizza out. It would be ready in a half an hour, and if they talked much longer than that, Dave might lose his mind. He started preheating the oven and unwrapping the pizza.
“I just have to say one thing,” he said. “About last week. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” she said.
He looked at her, feeling dangerous and unsettled. “I’m not perfect, and I think it’s really dangerous of you to think I am.”
“I never said you were perfect.”
“You implied it,” he said. “By saying I deserve someone better than you. Sissy, there is no one better than you.”
“Dave—”
“I don’t mean that in a romantic way,” he said, realizing what he’d said a moment too late. “I mean, you’re kind. You’re thoughtful. You’re smart. You’re professional. You have faith, and you care about people. You’re a great person.” He knew he was coming across a little too intense, but he couldn’t help himself.
“I know you’re not perfect,” she said after a pause. “After all, you’re being really bossy right now.”
“Bossy?” He shook his head, but he couldn’t help smiling. “I’m not being bossy. I’m being nice.”
Sissy got up from where she’d sat at the dining room table and approached him. “You are nice.”
“So are you.”
“So we’re equally nice.” Sissy reached up and removed his hat, leaving Dave feeling a little too exposed. “And silver. And sexy. And I’m sorry I added to your stress this weekend.”
“You didn’t,” he said, thinking of their insane training this weekend. “I was too tired to think much about it.”
“Yeah, right,” she said with a smile. “You think as much as I do.”
Dave smiled down at her. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Oh, I’m right, Mister Merrill.” She laughed, and Dave joined her, glad their talk didn’t need to be too terribly long tonight. He liked it when she called him Mister Merrill—something she’d done when they were twenty-somethings falling in love.
“Anything you need to say to me before we just crash on the couch?”
He watched a perfect storm of things roll across her face. “I’ve had a good life, and I think you were right when you said there are a lot of ways to get a baby.”
Dave kissed her, letting himself go a little too far for just a moment. “If you want a baby, sweetheart, I’ll marry you tomorrow and do everything I can to make it happen.”
Sissy froze, and Dave’s suspicions that she wasn’t as ready as she thought she was gelled. “You would?”
“Absolutely.” He kissed her throat, really enjoying the way she tipped her head back for him. “And I’d really like the baby-making part that came after the wedding.”
“Dave,” she said, a hint of embarrassment in her voice. She pulled away from him, and her face was bright red.
“Ah, you haven’t thought that far ahead, h
ave you?” He kept the grin on his face, realizing the difference between men and women very keenly in that moment.
“Maybe,” she said, turning her back on him. “I don’t think…anyone would want to do that with me.”
“Really?” Dave snaked his arms around her. “Why not? You’re gorgeous. You’re sexy. You smell great.” He took a deep breath of her hair, growling a little to add some playfulness to this serious conversation.
“Is that all it takes? Some orange-scented shampoo?” She laughed, and Dave joined her. “And I don’t smell great. It’s hot in the admin building, and I’ve been sweating all day.”
“You smell great to me,” he said, releasing her when she wiggled away from him. He wasn’t sure if he was being rejected or not, so he turned back to the oven only to see the pizza wasn’t close to coming out yet.
“I don’t feel gorgeous or sexy,” she said.
He looked at her as he settled his cowboy hat back on his head. “How can I help you with that? Because you’re both. All the time.”
“All the time? Even when I get out of bed?”
“Especially when you get out of bed. I mean.” He rubbed his hand up the back of his neck, the hair there suddenly too long and pulling in his hat band. “In my imagination. I’ve never woken up next to you.”
“Your imagination?” Her eyebrows went up. “Do you fantasize about me, Mister Merrill?”
“Come on,” he said, turning away. Of course he did. But he said, “I’m not a pervert.”
“I don’t think you are.” She came up beside him. “I think about us, married,” she said. “But I don’t want you to marry me tomorrow and try to give me what you think I want.”
“You don’t want a baby?”
“I do, but I think there’s a time and place for everything, and I don’t think either of us are ready for marriage.”
Dave wasn’t sure what vibe he was giving off, but he could definitely feel an unready vibe from Sissy. Which was fine. It wasn’t his biological clock ticking.
“I just want you to be happy,” he said.
“I am,” she said.
“Good.” The timer on the oven went off, and Dave had never felt more saved by a bell than he did in that moment. “Then let’s eat, and then you can curl into me while I sleep on the couch. Deal?”
