by Indiana Wake
“Why?”
“Well, you could take Grace. I reckon it would be nice.”
“I’m not sure Grace is quite ready for dancing yet. It’s hard work having a baby. And don’t forget, Katie is only just a couple of weeks old. I don’t think her ma is going to want to leave her so that she can go out dancing.”
“You don’t know until you ask,” Janet went on as if she hadn’t heard him at all.
He had to admit that she looked a little deflated and he wondered at her determination to send him out dancing. She hadn’t asked to go along with him, so it couldn’t be that. When his mind flew to an idea that she was up to something, that she might want him out of the way for some scheme or other, he felt a little guilty.
After all, she really had turned a corner and he knew he ought to trust her.
“Maybe I’ll ask her some other time.”
“I could look after Katie. I am her big sister, and I’ve been helping Grace ever since Katie was born. I know all the things I’m supposed to do, and I’d be real careful with her. She’ll probably be asleep most of the time anyway, she is always asleep.”
“Ah, I see,” Josh said quietly, realizing that he had probably finally discovered the root of his daughter’s determination to have him and Grace out of the house.
She wanted to play house, she wanted to play at being a mother. And as glad as he was that Janet had taken to Katie the way that she had, he knew it was all too soon to let Janet take care of the baby alone.
He didn’t want to disappoint her entirely, but he couldn’t see a way around it.
“Katie is just a bit young yet, Janet. But I know just as soon as she is a bit bigger and a bit stronger, Grace would be only too happy to have you look after her. And it’s real nice of you to think of it, to be so responsible. I’m proud of you, real proud.”
Janet shook her head from side to side with exasperation and huffed loudly before turning to wander out of the lumber yard.
As Josh watched her go, he hoped that this didn’t signify a return to the old days. She was annoyed at not getting her way, but he hoped that she would find a better way to get over that than she was used to using.
But he knew that he couldn’t let her have her own way and look after such a tiny baby just to keep the peace.
When Janet wandered into the kitchen, Grace was busy preparing the evening meal. She smiled as Janet made her way straight to Katie’s basket to peer down at her.
“Is she still asleep?” Grace asked over her shoulder before returning her attention to the vegetables she was chopping.
“Kind of. She’s a bit wriggly but her eyes are closed,” Janet said and moved one of the kitchen chairs so that she could sit next to the basket and stare down, clearly in the hopes that her baby sister would be awake soon and she could pick her up.
“Are you all right, Janet? You seem a bit quiet,” Grace said with ease.
She had spent so much time with Janet of late that she was already out of the habit of carefully phrasing questions, of thinking about every word she said before she said it. And it was so much easier, so much less exhausting than it had been.
At times, Grace thought that it was as if the two of them had never had a cross word before. It was as if they had been friends from the very beginning, even though they had been anything but.
But she was certain that this was the real Janet, the little girl who had been lost to the world when her own grief had swallowed her whole.
“I’m all right, thank you,” Janet said but didn’t sound convincing.
“Has something happened at school? You haven’t fallen out with Jimmy, have you?”
“No, I haven’t fallen out with Jimmy. But he sure is doing a lot of complaining these days,” Janet said in that little-girl-grown-up way she had developed lately. “I suppose he’s just a bit jealous that I spend so much of my time with Katie now after school and on Saturdays.”
“Maybe he just misses you. I mean, you’re still best friends, after all.”
“I guess so.”
“Be kind to him, he’s just missing you. He’s feeling sorry for himself. You can include him, Janet, you can still bring him here, can’t you?”
“Yes.” Janet nodded vigorously. “I reckon I could.”
“Then why don’t you ask him tomorrow? See if he wants to come here after school and I’ll fix him something to eat. He can sit down with us and the two of you can play with Katie.”
“All right, I’ll ask him. Thank you, Grace.” Janet seemed to brighten up and Grace was glad of it.
“Good.” She smiled and had that warm sense of contentment again, that feeling of comfortable family life. “Then I’ll make something real nice for dinner.”
“Grace?” Janet said in that enquiring tone the children often used which suggested a request of some sort was on its way.
“Yes?”
“Did you know that there’s a barn dance in town on Saturday?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“It’s supposed to be a lot of fun. They have fiddlers there and fruit punch and all sorts.”
“I’m not sure your daddy would want you to go to something like that until you’re little bit older.”
“I know, I know.” Janet sighed and shook her head from side to side in an exasperated fashion that almost made Grace laugh. “I didn’t mean for me to go. I was thinking that you might want to go.”
“Well, that sure is nice of you to think of me,” Grace said and felt very touched. “And I do love dancing.”
“Then you’ll go?” Janet said and seemed extraordinarily excited.
“I don’t think I should go and leave you and your daddy here looking after Katie. Not yet, anyway.” Grace laughed.
“You wouldn’t be going on your own, would you?” Janet seemed confused.
“Well, no, I suppose you meant for me to go with Laura. Maybe Connie Langdon, but I don’t really think it would be her sort of thing,” Grace mused, trying to block out an image of the rotund Connie careering about the barn after a few glasses of liquor-rich fruit punch.
“I wasn’t really thinking of Laura,” Janet said gently.
“Did you want me to take you? Maybe your daddy wouldn’t mind you going if I was with you,” Grace mused. “I’m sure they’ll be other children there with their parents.”
“I don’t want to go to the barn dance.” Janet was clearly losing patience.
“Honey, I don’t really understand.” Grace had to admit defeat in the end.
“You could go with Daddy, couldn’t you? That’s what I meant. You could go to the barn dance with Daddy on Saturday and have a nice time.”
“Oh, I see,” Grace said and laughed. “Well, it would be very nice. I’d like that very much, but I can’t leave you here with Katie all on your own.”
“But maybe I don’t need to be all on my own. Maybe we could ask…”
“Are you still talking about the barn dance?” Josh appeared suddenly in the kitchen doorway, his broad shoulders almost filling it.”
“You’re finished early,” Grace said changing the subject much to Janet’s disgruntlement.
“It’s been a quiet day. If anybody needs something, I’m sure they’ll come here hollering to find me.” He sauntered into the kitchen, making his way over to the little basket to peer down at Katie before taking a seat at the table.
“Janet, I’m sorry, you’re just too young and Katie is just too little for us to leave the two of you here alone,” Josh said, and Grace realized that Janet must have approached him already with the same idea.
For a moment, Grace turned to look at Josh, his thick ashen hair and his handsome features, and imagined herself being twirled about the barn in his arms.
She realized then that they’d never really been out anywhere together, apart from church, and she wondered how they would get on alone. They’d been alone in the house, of course, but that was easy somehow. What would it be like for the two of them to go out to a dan
ce, to sit side-by-side on a bale of hay taking a rest and a drink?
In her mind’s eye, she could see them hot and breathless from the dancing, sitting close to one another as they cooled down again, her hand in his. She imagined them laughing, enjoying the evening, enjoying each other’s company. Being with each other because they wanted to be, not just because they were a partnership, not just because they helped each other through life. Just time spent together for the sake of want rather than need.
“Well, if you don’t want to go to this one, they have a dance every six weeks,” Janet said, and it was clear she wasn’t about to give in.
“Janet, as I said before, it’s real kind of you, but we’re not going to the barn dance and that’s that,” Josh said with kind firmness.
Grace felt crestfallen as the happy image she had created in her mind seemed to disappear in a puff of smoke. She knew that she had been trying hard to keep a hold of her emotions, her feelings for him, but what was so wrong with the idea of going out together once in a while? Where would be the harm in a little dancing, a little fun?
But Josh had seemed as determined as his denial was firm and Grace saw it as yet more proof, if any more was needed, that his feelings hadn’t grown and changed as her own had. As far as Josh was concerned, nothing had changed. She might just as well still be the housekeeper for all he noticed her.
Grace turned her attention back to the vegetables and tried to regain her common sense. She knew that she would never, ever really go back east, however much it hurt to stay with a man who didn’t love her. But she couldn’t help wondering how she was going to manage, how she was going to live a life of longing for something that could not be.
She almost wished for the old days of numbness, that curious sensation of nothing that follows the first stab of grief. It was far from pleasant, that was true, but it had certainly been simpler.
“Oh, let’s have no more talk of barn dances, shall we?” Josh said and laughed, reaching over to ruffle Janet’s wild curls.
“All right,” Janet mumbled, and Grace wondered exactly why it was the child seemed so disappointed, almost as disappointed as she was herself.
Chapter 19
“I reckon it would be nice for you to have a night at the barn dance, Grace,” Connie said, and Laura nodded her head in agreement.
The two women had become regular features in the Lacey home since the birth of Katie, both Laura and Connie thoroughly enjoying holding the baby while trying to maintain their normal conversation.
“Josh is probably just thinking it’s a bit early for you. He doesn’t realize how tough you are,” Laura said with a laugh.
“I am not so tough that I could actually manage any sort of enthusiastic dancing, but I sure would like to sit on a hay bale with a glass of punch and watch everybody else. I could manage that easily.” Grace realized that she was opening up more and more, freely telling her friends the ups and downs of her life and marriage.
And it certainly felt a lot better than holding onto everything, denying her every feeling to her friends in order that she might deny them to herself. This way she had support, something she had never particularly relied on before. It felt nice, a relief somehow.
“Then why don’t you tell Josh just that?” Connie said simply. “Just tell him that you’d quite like an evening out, you’d just like to sit there and watch and not do anything too energetic. I’m sure he would be only too pleased to take you. He’s never denied you anything, has he? I mean, it doesn’t bother him a bit when you come to see us, or when we come to see you. He’s not one of those men who gets himself in an angry state when his wife puts her attention somewhere else for five minutes.”
“I know, you’re absolutely right, Connie. And that is just it, he would take me down to the barn dance just because it was what I wanted, because he really has never denied me anything,” Grace said miserably.
“But you want him to want to take you there, don’t you?” Connie said sagely. “You want him to look forward to it for the same reasons you would look forward to it, and I understand that.”
“The thing is, none of us know that he wouldn’t,” Laura said. “None of us could say that he wouldn’t be looking forward to taking Grace if he really knew she wanted to go.”
“You didn’t see him, Laura, you didn’t hear him. He was real firm with Janet and I reckon he sounded like he didn’t want to hear about the barn dance again.”
“There might be some other reason for that. It strikes me that you won’t know unless you ask. I reckon there’s got to come a time when you start to talk to Josh properly, just like you’ve started to talk to us. I think it’s the only way to know where you’re at. At the moment, you don’t really have any idea,” Laura went on.
“I think I do know.”
“I reckon Laura is right,” Connie chipped in. “You’re basing your sadness on what you think you know about Josh Lacey. I don’t reckon he wears his heart on his sleeve too often. I’ll bet there are all sorts of thoughts bubbling under that quiet, handsome outside of his. Maybe you should speak to him. For goodness sake, you are married.” Connie chuckled.
“And I’d like to stay that way,” Grace said. “I just don’t want to turn everything on its head, I don’t want to make that mistake.”
“All right, maybe try something a little subtler,” Connie went on thoughtfully. “Why don’t you get yourself all gussied up on Saturday night, your best dress and everything, and tell him that you’d like to go after all. And the children would be no problem. All you need to do is drop them off at the boarding house on your way and I’ll look after them.”
“And I’ll help,” Laura added urgently, and Grace laughed.
“I don’t know,” Grace said and sighed.
“What’s to be lost by doing that? If you do yourself up nice and ask him to take you, I reckon you might have a good idea of how he feels then. Just give it a try, see what happens.”
“Connie’s right, you should give it a try,” Laura said. “Maybe you could cook up a nice meal beforehand and try to give him the idea that things have changed a little bit. That way you’re not saying it out loud, you’re just leading the horse to water, so to speak.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself,” Connie said with a firm nod.
Everything seemed to be simple on Saturday. The weather was starting to cool again, that fierce heat of the summer finally dissipating. There was very little left to do in the house, since Grace had found a return to her old energy in the previous few days. And she had made all the preparations for her husband’s favorite stew. She baked a loaf of bread with care, taking her time over it, wanting it to be as perfect and as tasty as could be.
And then, with everything ticking over nicely, she carried the little basket containing Katie to her bedroom. She lifted Katie out and set her on the bed, keeping an eye on her as she had already begun to roll a little, although she never yet seemed to get very far.
Grace took down a dress that she had brought with her from back home. It was in a pale blue check, with short sleeves and a full skirt. She had always liked it, it always made her feel young and carefree, especially when she put as many white petticoats on as would fit underneath it.
She just hoped that it would still fit her and, as she pulled it over her head and fastened it, she could have shouted with joy at the way it made her feel. The petticoats were perfect, showing just enough, and the material of the dress was soft and free-flowing.
Grace quickly took the dress off again and changed back into the one she had been wearing. She didn’t want to mess it up before the evening came and she smiled at herself, realizing that she was growing in confidence and had an idea that she and Josh really would be going to the barn dance together after all.
She was sure that her hair was something that she could get done early and not worry about it spoiling before the end of the day. And so, she brushed it until it was gleaming and twisted it into a full and impressive plea
t on the back of the head. She pulled out a few strands and tied them up with rags to create neat ringlets here and there, enjoying some time to play with Katie as she waited for them to set.
By the time Josh came in from the lumber yard, closing at midday as he always did on a Saturday, Grace knew that all she would need to do was change her dress at the last minute. Everything else was done.
As she gave him a slice of bread and butter and a piece of cheese to be going on with, she smiled to herself when she noticed him eying her curiously, taking notice of her well-done hair.
“Your hair sure does look pretty, Grace,” he said with a smile as he quickly dispatched the bread-and-butter and looked around as if she might be bringing him some more.
“Thank you.” She smiled back at him. “Are you still hungry?”
“You normally give me a bit more than this.” He laughed. “Am I getting fat?”
“No, you’re not getting fat.” Grace laughed. “It’s just that I thought we’d eat our evening meal a bit earlier today. To be honest, you won’t have long to wait, and it’s that stew you like.”
“Oh,” Josh said and raised his eyebrows.
“Yes, and I’ve baked a fresh loaf of bread to go with it.”
“Well, that sure does sound nice. Thank you.” He paused for a minute and then looked back at her. “But why are we eating so early?”
“Well, I thought it might be a nice idea to go to that barn dance after all.” She felt her stomach tighten with excitement and fear.
“The barn dance that Janet keeps talking about?” He frowned.
“Yes, the very same.” Grace tried to sound as if it hardly mattered if they went or not.
His frown hadn’t filled her with certainty that he would truly want to go and now the little bit of confidence she had built up had all but dissipated.
“Grace, we don’t need to. You don’t have to worry about Janet so much now, really. We don’t need to placate her on everything,” he said gently as if he didn’t want to upset her.
