VASYA. Tell me what it’ll be, Tarakh Tarasych; I’ll explain why. Daddy knows a lot of people, we’re upper class in the town, and we’re merchant class too…
KHLYNOV. When you’re with Mr. Khlynov, brother, you’ll be the leader of the chorus. That’s the rank and class you’ll have with me.
VASYA. But Tarakh Tarasych, I’ll be shamed in front of my friends.
KHLYNOV. If you’re going to be shamed, brother, then I won’t force you. You can go into the army.
VASYA. Please, Tarakh Tarasych, let me think about it!
KHLYNOV. Once again you end up a fool and ignoramus! Did you just become a senator, that you suddenly feel like thinking! It’s for clever people to do the thinking. But if you want to think, brother, then I’ll have them take you back to jail. You can think better there.
VASYA. No, how can you say that, Tarakh Tarasych, don’t ruin my youth. Whatever you want, let it be.
KHLYNOV. It didn’t take you long, brother, to do your thinking.
Aristarkh enters.
Where have you been, brother…
ARISTARKH, Now you just hold on, you disgusting man! (To the servants.) When you people stagger about drunk in the garden, then watch out you don’t fall into the trap I set there, it’s for skunk. And the household servants too! They’re no worse than the master. And I have a snake there under the tree.
KHLYNOV. What do you have a snake for? How stupid can you get, brother! It will bite somebody.
ARISTARKH. That shows how smart you are. It’s a paper kite, we call it a snake. I glued it together and set it there to dry.
KHLYNOV. For what purpose?
ARISTARKH. We’ll put it up at night with a lantern, from a boat. And to that boat I’m attaching a kind of contraption. It works by hand, and I’ve ordered wheels for it; it’ll be something like a steamship.
KHLYNOV. But how about it, brother, I told you to think up how I’ll spend the time tonight.
ARISTARKH. I’ve already thought it up, let me tell you. (He takes a chair and sits down.) Listen! Not far from here there’s a gentleman by the name of Khvatsky. He used to have a good estate, only he ruined it trying out all kinds of things. He broke up his house, took apart all the stoves and partitions, and he made a theater of it; he himself lives in the bathhouse. He bought a lot of scenery, all kinds of costumes, wigs, headpieces to show baldness, all sorts of things. Only he didn’t have anyone to act or look at this theater. Now he needs money badly, because he planted potatoes in all his fields, wanted to make starch out of them, but his crop was frostbitten, and it stayed in the ground. So now he wants to go to Astrakhan to make fish glue, and he’d sell his whole theater for almost nothing.
KHLYNOV. But brother, why are you preaching us this long sermon?
GENTLEMAN. Wait, I think I can see some sense in this.
ARISTARKH. Of course there is; I’m not about to talk for nothing. Listen, you disgusting man, to what comes next. I’ll go and buy all his costumes from him. And at night we’ll dress up all our people like robbers; he has big hats, with feathers. Our robbers won’t be Russian ones but the kind they have in the theater; I can’t describe them to you; what I don’t know I don’t know. And we’ll dress up too; I’ll be a hermit…
KHLYNOV. But why a hermit?
ARISTARKH. Is there anything you understand! If I say something, that means I know what I’m talking about. Robbers always have a hermit with them; that makes it more fun. And we’ll all go out into the woods, to the great highway, near where the hut is. We’ll dress up the gentleman as the chief, because he has a stern look anyway, and then there’s his mustache. We’ll dress you up as a robber too, only we won’t have to disguise you very much; you look like a robber as it is, and in the woods at night you’ll be perfect.
KHLYNOV. Careful, brother, don’t you go forgetting yourself!
ARISTARKH. We’ll whistle in the bushes, and we’ll stop people going by and take them to the chief. We’ll give them a good fright, then we’ll get them drunk and let them go.
GENTLEMAN. That’s a great idea.
KHLYNOV. Not bad, we’ll do it. A very interesting business. So you go ahead with it while I take a little nap. (He goes off.)
GENTLEMAN. First we’ll have a rehearsal with our people. This is going to be a great prank, noble and pleasant. Yes, devil take it, this is going to be funny, and just when I was dying of boredom. (He leaves.)
Vasya approaches Aristarkh.
VASYA. Aristarkh, I’ve thrown in my lot with Khlynov.
ARISTARKH. That’s your business.
VASYA. But I still wonder about it! Sometimes I think, wouldn’t it be better to be a soldier! And if things weren’t so hard, I’d do it right now… because I have a heroic spirit…
ARISTARKH. So you and your heroic spirit have become a clown.
VASYA. It couldn’t be helped. It’s awful! But if I dared to, I think I could do some great deeds.
ARISTARKH. That’s enough talk! How could you do anything! You’ve just eaten too much white bread. You have almost no spirit at all, so what’s the point in bragging! Heh, heh, heh! You’re a small piece of goods, sewn together with bast! All your life you’ve been feeding on bits and pieces, never seeing a big piece of anything, all the time trying to bolster yourself up so people won’t think you’re low class. You’re always thrashing about, on the move, afraid you might be caught lying in the mud.
VASYA. It may be true…
ARISTARKH. When you’re young and still have your strength and are still worth something, it somehow doesn’t seem right for you to be turning somersaults. Of course it’s really none of my business, but the words came to mind, and I said them.
VASYA. That’s true enough. But what worries me is what Parasha will say if I stay leader of the chorus with Khlynov! But then what should I care what people think! If she loves me, she should think the way I do. Whatever’s best for me. So why cry over it? A man’s got to look out for himself, right, Aristarkh? And I’ll be a dashing singer too.
He goes off with Aristarkh.
SCENE TWO
Clearing in a forest. On the left is a small wicker shed for hay. Near the shed, on the side facing the audience, a board has been put on two stumps to serve as a bench. On the right are two or three stumps and a felled dry tree. In the background trees are everywhere, and beyond them are visible a road, beyond the road fields, and in the distance a village. The sun is setting.
NARKIS (off stage). Who-oa-oa! Damn you! Where’ve I gotten to? It’s all thicket! It’s not a matter of getting through with a horse, you can’t even get through on foot! (He comes out on the stage.) How did I end up in such a mess! I must’ve dozed off. (He stops.) What little hut on chicken legs is this? It’s a shed! Ah, this is the second time I’ve come to the very same place. I’ve gone in a circle! It’s the doings of evil spirits! May this place be holy! But how could I have circled round, it’s still light. No, I must’ve dozed off. And it’s no wonder, the drinking I did with those peasants! What did I drink? God help me remember. Two glasses, then half a glass, and two cups of tea, then another half glass, then a glass. But why keep count, to your health! I’m one that can manage it, for me it’s like water, though there’s some people couldn’t handle that much water. Keeping count’s a sin; they say you can get thin from keeping count… Altogether it’s only three miles to home, but I’m just not getting there. I’ll lead the horse out onto the road and give it the whip, then we’ll be home in no time. If not, it will be embarrassing! The master sent me on business, and I got lost. People might even think I’d been drunk. (He goes off.)
Out of the woods in marching formation come Khlynov, wearing a Spanish cloak over his waistcoat and also a velvet hat with feathers; Aristarkh dressed as a Capuchin; the gentleman; behind the gentleman Khlynov’s men paired off in various costumes, Vasya among them. Two baskets with drink and food are being carried in the rear.
KHLYNOV. Forward, march! (He wants to go out onto the road.)
ARISTARKH (s
topping him). Wait, you disgusting man! Where do you think you’re going?
KHLYNOV. Someone just went by, brother.
ARISTARKH. Well, so what?
KHLYNOV. Shouldn’t I look into it?
ARISTARKH. It’s still too early to go out of the woods, it’s too light. (He looks at the road.) I can tell you right now who went by. That’s Narkis, Kuroslepov’s assistant, on his master’s wagon. They sent him somewhere, and there he is rocking back and forth, must have dozed off! Where is the crazy man headed for! Oh well, the horse knows, it’ll get them onto the road.
KHLYNOV. You got this business started, brother, so get it organized.
ARISTARKH. Everybody stop here! This will be our halting place. (To the gentleman.) Sir, and you landowner Khlynov, you two sit down on the bench behind the shed, no one can see you there from the road; somebody take the baskets into the shed.
KHLYNOV. Canteen keeper, prepare a snack, brother, so we can stay sober.
He and the gentleman sit down on the bench.
ARISTARKH. Now we’ll split up. You two go to the little hill, you two to the bridge, and hide well behind the bushes; don’t go to the country road; only peasants and pilgrims go there. If you see someone going by on foot or by horse, first let them go by, then whistle. And the rest of you sit down near here in the bushes. Only sit and don’t make any noise, don’t sing any songs, don’t play heads or tails, don’t get into any boxing matches. When I whistle, then come out. (He goes up to Khlynov.)
KHLYNOV. Why, brother, are we just sitting here? Your first concern is to keep me occupied. As soon as I don’t have anything to do, I can get bored and fall into sadness. And when I’m sad and bored, brother, bad thoughts come into my head, and from that I can suddenly grow thin.
ARISTARKH. But why be bored! It’s so quiet here! I hate to leave the woods, it’s such a wonderful evening!
KHLYNOV. What’s a wonderful evening? What’s good about it? What can you understand, brother? The pleasant thing about a summer evening is that it’s easy to drink champagne, because the weather’s cool. But without the champagne what good’s the evening? (To the gentleman.) Sir, shouldn’t we break into a bottle?
A whistle.
ARISTARKH Wait! (He whistles.)
Khlynov’s men come out of the woods.
Quiet!
NARKIS (off stage). Whoa-oa-oa! Damn you! I wish a wolf ’d eat you up! Where’ve you brought me! Whoa-oa-oa!
ARISTARKH. I’ll go take a look. (He goes to the bushes and returns.) It’s Narkis, he’s lost in the woods. (To Khlynov.) There’s a good catch for you!
NARKIS (off stage). It’s really weird! I just can’t get out of here no matter what I do. I’ve got to pull the devil back by his tail. Where’m I stuck this time? I’ll have to look around.
ARISTARKH (to the men). Surround him, and when I give the sign, grab him and bring him here.
Narkis comes on stage. Khlynov’s men come from all sides.
NARKIS (looking around). How about that! The shed! Here I am again, for the third time. Good for me! Now isn’t that the work of the devil! No, you can say what you want, but the business is clear enough. It’s when it gets dark I get frightened. It’s him playing jokes, it’s the devil come out now; when it gets dark he comes out; he never comes out when it’s light, that’s not for him, he can’t then… Well, let him have his little jokes, just so I don’t see him. They say his looks strike so, no man dares look straight at him! Now when am I going to get home? No, I’m fed up with all this! This time I’ll lead the horse by the bridle, and I won’t doze off. Just so long as he doesn’t come at me, for if he does, I think I’d even leave the horse. No, I’ll be home soon, I’m no coward. Of course, if he suddenly popped up in front of me, then I might be frigh… (He goes toward the horse. At a sign from Aristarkh one of Khlynov’s men bars the way to Narkis.) There he is, it’s him!… How do you like that! Speak of the devil! I’ll just go another way and not look at him. (He goes in another direction. Another man bars his way.) There’s another one, really! (Aristarkh comes out from behind the shed and gives the sign to take him.) A third one! The wood’s full of them! But that one must be the real one! I’m not drunk any more. Should I shout or not? But what’s the good of shouting? Besides the wood demon no one’s going to answer. (He waves his hand at Aristarkh.) May this place be holy. (He whispers.) Didn’t work! It’s the end of me.
Servants take him by the arms and lead him to Khlynov. Others bring wine and a glass. The gentleman signals him to drink.
You mean I’m supposed to drink? Is it some kind of poison? Will it make me explode?
The gentleman nods no.
Is your word good? All right, I’ll drink it. (He drinks. They pour him some more.) So, more? The first went off good enough. I’ll try another. (He drinks.) Thank you. Now allow me to ask you, are you people, more or less, or something else?
GENTLEMAN (in a deep voice). We’re robbers.
NARKIS. Robbers? You don’t look like it. You look more like those you shouldn’t mention at night but only in the daytime, especially that one there. (He points at Aristarkh.) This is really scary, especially in the woods and at night.
ARISTARKH. Tremble!…
NARKIS. But I’m trembling already. I’m trembling all over.
GENTLEMAN. We come from foreign lands.
NARKIS. You do? You just came? Say, do you spend your time murdering people?
GENTLEMAN. No.
NARKIS. That makes me feel better. You know, that’s a good thing, that you don’t kill people. And do you rob a lot?
GENTLEMAN. No.
NARKIS. What do you mean, no? But why don’t you rob? You’re making a mistake there. You’re from foreign lands, you don’t know our people. Our people’s a simple, peaceable, and patient people. I’m telling you, you can rob it. There’s even a lot of people who don’t know what to do with all their money. That’s right. Take Khlynov, for example, why not rob him! It might even make him feel better.
KHLYNOV. Brother, how can you…
ARISTARKH (sternly). Quiet!
NARKIS (to the gentleman). Tell you what, kind friend, have them bring another little glass. Without that I’ll be shivering from fright.
The gentleman nods his head.
After that you can do what you want with me. I’m sure your wine is imported, but what they sell us, kind friend, is a fraud. (They bring the wine; he drinks it.) You say you don’t rob?
GENTLEMAN. We don’t rob.
NARKIS. Then what do you do with us?
GENTLEMAN. We take people, make them drink, and let them go.
NARKIS. That’s very good. That’s wonderful.
ARISTARKH. You like that?
NARKIS. Couldn’t be better. It’s unheard of; if somebody told me, I wouldn’t believe it.
GENTLEMAN. Would you like to join our band and be our kind of robber?
NARKIS. Your kind of robber? What’s it like? Are you a collective artel or do you have a boss and salary?
GENTLEMAN. There’s a salary.
NARKIS. Do you eat your own grub or the boss’s?
GENTLEMAN. The boss’s.
NARKIS. That’s a good setup. I’d join you with the greatest of pleasure, only here’s the thing, my friend…(Looking around at Khlynov’s men.) What are they standing there for! Send them away, don’t worry, I won’t go away. We’ll sit on the grass, I like good company.
Aristarkh makes a sign, and the men disperse. Narkis, Khlynov, the gentleman, and Aristarkh sit down on the ground.
The thing is, my only friend, I don’t know what to call you…I’d really like to… but I won’t be coming with you.
GENTLEMAN. Why not?
NARKIS. Because I have the life now… do I have the life! It’s the berries! Like that I could live forever, everything top grade. I have a stupid master; he sent me to come to terms with the peasants on farming out the meadows, but I don’t have much respect for him. With his wife, though, I’m in love and perfect agreem
ent.
ARISTARKH. I don’t believe it.
NARKIS. It’s the honest truth. I don’t say things for nothing. I get fed and the rest… everything… that’s where I’m going right now… come be my guest! While you’re there first thing I’ll call for wine, brother, all kinds, red, white, and rum… all kinds. And next I’ll say, bring me a thousand rubles! In the shake of a lamb’s tail! And she’ll bring it.
ARISTARKH. You’re making it up!
NARKIS. It’s true! Wouldn’t be the first time! She’d bring me two thousand if she could swipe it easily from her husband. It’s just awful how much she loves me! I’m telling you, my only friend, there’s no words to tell how much she loves me. Now take not long ago, she brought me two thousand with her very own hands. And then and there, my only friend, I put it in a box under my pillow… I turn the key, and the key goes onto my cross. So now when I get there I’ll tell her to bring me a thousand, and into the box and click with the key. Because, kind friend, I want to set myself up as a merchant. That’s how I think of myself, what I need. And that’s how it is, dear friend…
ARISTARKH. Looks like you love her, right?
NARKIS. It’s not exactly that I love her; it’s just that, the way I feel about things, it’s all useful to me.
ARISTARKH. So be it! I’d like to go with you, but we get as much wine as we want. (He beckons to one of the men.) They’ll help you lead your horse out. (To the man.) Give him lots to eat and drink, (quietly) then lay him in the wagon and see him to town. (To Narkis.) Go with him, he won’t do you any harm.
NARKIS. Thanks for your company. (He leaves.)
ARISTARKH (to Khlynov). What about it, are you satisfied? Every cloud has its silver lining. Now I’ll explain all this to the chief of police so innocent people won’t suffer because of that scoundrel.
KHLYNOV. It’d be a good thing now, brother, if we could catch some nobleman, to drink some champagne with him.
GENTLEMAN. Or some young lady, one well brought up, one from an institute for young ladies!… I’d fall on my knees before her right away, and I’d act out some scene from a tragedy.
ARISTARKH. Let’s go out on the highway; we might run into somebody there. But we’re out in the country here. Look, there come some pilgrims.
Without a Dowry and Other Plays Page 17
