She didn’t sound fearful as I always assumed a mother would be. Cathy spoke as if it was just the norm around here. It was surprising, given the fact she’d already lost one of her children already.
“Look up there.” She pointed to a bunch of photos on the back wall, all neatly framed against the bright yellow wallpaper.
I walked over and looked up at the small one at the very top. As soon as I recognized what the photo was, I burst out laughing.
Cathy walked up beside me with her hands on her hips. “See what I mean?”
The photo was of a teenage Colton, in an oversized tuxedo and gelled back hair. He had the biggest cast on his leg, running all the way up to his thigh. It was covered in drawings of colorful mermaids and unicorns, by the looks of it.
“That was at his prom. He broke his leg abseiling two weeks before, and let Shay decorate the cast for the big night. Always the action man, my boy. My other son was the same. Did Colton mention him to you?”
I straighten up my face, feeling uneasy at the mention of his brother. “A little. Shay told me about him. Colton, not so much.”
I could feel Cathy’s eyes on me, examining my reaction. She put her hand on my shoulder and chuckled. “You got the same look he does when we mention Spencer around here.” She pointed to another photo further down the wall. “That’s him. My other boy. Wasn’t he handsome?”
I smiled at the picture. Spencer was laughing in the backyard with a football in his hand and a hotdog in the other. He was handsome. Similar to Colton but with more delicate features and longer hair.
“It bothers him. Having all the photos up of Spencer,” she said.
“It doesn’t bother you?” As soon as I said it, I instantly regretted speaking too upfront about such a sensitive topic. “I’m sorry. I just meant that it must be hard having all these reminders around the house . Doesn’t it make you sad?”
“Gosh, no,” she chuckled again. “I love talking about my boy. I love seeing his face everyday and knowing he’s still a part of this family. He was a huge part of our lives. I would take all the sorrow in the world to still remember him. So would Donny. And Shay, well, she needs the reminders. She was so young when he died that it would break my heart for her to forget all about him.”
The way she explained it made more sense to me than I thought it ever could. After Lily died, just the sheer sight of my wrist tattoo broke me. I packed up all her belongings until the apartment was empty. It should have helped, but it didn’t. I was still surrounded by my best friend’s death until the opportunity came to get away. Far away from everything I’d ever known, to heal. But even here, in Bluerock, she was still everywhere. It hurt like crazy and at times I wondered if I’d ever be free of her memory.
But hearing Cathy’s reasons for keeping her son’s memory alive, made me very aware of my own relationship with grief. There was no right way to lose someone. There was no wrong way to mourn for them. Everyone was different. And trying to erase Lily was fruitless. I would never forget her. She was like a sister to me. The sooner I accepted her death, the sooner I could live with her memory always by my side. A memory that wouldn’t pain me so much but instead set me free. Isn’t that what Cathy had done to live with the loss of her son?
“Colton doesn’t agree though?” I asked her.
She looked a little burnt but signed in acceptance. “Spencer’s death is different for him. He has a lot of guilt, but I think it was Kim that really left the bad memory for him. Now everytime he remembers his brother, he can’t help but remember her too. I keep waiting for him to get over it and move on, but he never does.”
“Whose Kim?”
“His ex.” She walked back over to the counter and stacked up the leftover food containers. “You’re the first girl he’s brought home since she left, and that was years ago.” She flashed me a warm smile. “He must really like you, Tia.”
I was about to question it further when the back door opened, and Colton and his father appeared.
Cathy nudged Colton with her elbow. “Why don’t you give Tia a tour? Shay has some beautiful paintings hanging up in the hallway.
“There from kindergarten, Mom,” Shay shouted from the living room. “Miss Lopez doesn’t want to see a bunch of baby finger paintings.”
“They are still beautiful,” she called back, almost offended by her opinion. “Go on, Colton. It’ll give me some time to talk your father out of whatever idea you’ve just been putting in his head about that damn boat.”
Colton didn’t wait to hear the discussion and practically dragged me up the stairs. When we reached the top my eyes struggled to focus. The walls were literally covered in framed finger paintings.
“Oh, my god.” I choked back a laugh. “I can’t tell whether this is the sweetest sight or the creepiest.”
He chuckled behind me. “Yeah, she sure is a proud momma bear.”
I meandered down the hallway taking in all the bright paintings and handprints. “Are any yours?”
“Nah, I prefered to play in the mud instead.” I could believe that.
When I reached the end of the hall, I turned to him and smiled. “So, which one of these doors is your room?”
His eyebrows lifted up. “You wanna see my room?”
“Sure. I haven’t even seen your room at the station yet. I should at least catch a glimpse of this one.” Since Colton and I had been sleeping with each other, we had spent every night at my place. It wasn’t even a question of where we would sleep. He knew me well enough by now to know I would never sleep at his place without a lock on the door.
“Fair enough. It’s the last one on the right.”
I opened the door he directed me to and stepped into what could easily be described as a typical teenage boys bedroom.
The walls were dark blue. They were covered in posters of bands and sports teams. His bed was made with a checked pattern sheet and a homemade blanket at the end. There was a closet on one side and a desk on the other. Hanging up above his bed was a collection of beat up snowboards.
The door clicked shut behind me and when I turned around, Colton was leaning against it with his hands in his pockets. “Not what you expected?”
“It’s very you. I could see you here, that’s for sure.”
He tilted his head at me. “Why do you look so confused then?”
“I just expected it to be...different.”
“Different how?”
I wasn’t sure it would make sense but I figured I’d at least try to explain. “I don’t know. I just thought I’d open this door and find something shocking. Learn that you’re a...fake, somehow.”
He furrowed his brow. “A fake?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I keep waiting to find out you’re not really what you appear to be.”
He pushed off the door and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Is this your way of telling me, I’m too good to be true.”
“Urgh. Don’t flatter yourself.”
He laughed, pulling me closer. “I don’t have to, baby. You just did. And I’m no fake. What you see, is what you get.”
I inhaled his cologne. The rich, oaky scent made me dizzy and easily distracted. I shook it away and glanced back around the room. “No girls though? Posters, I mean. Aren’t teenage boys supposed to have dirty posters of girls on their wall?”
He smirked in his sexy way. “They didn’t stay on the wall for long.”
I was about to ask if his mother had something to do with that, but instead I jumped at the opportunity to figure out the whole of him. The parts he hadn’t yet revealed. “Because of Kim?”
He froze. His jaw clenched, and I half expected him to snap. But instead he released his hold of me and slumped down on the bed. “For fucks sake,” he gritted through his teeth. “Did Mom tell you? Or Shay?”
“Your mom.”
“Of course she did,” he muttered. “She jumps at every chance to bring up shit that happened a million fucking years ago.” He shook
away his fury and looked up at me apologetically. “I’m sorry about that, Tia. She shouldn’t be talking about her to you.”
I sat down next to him, smoothing my skirt over my knees. “It’s no big deal. She barely said anything really.”
He leant forward, resting his arms on his thighs. “She should have said fuck all.”
“She didn’t tell me with intention. It was just in passing when we were talking about your brother. She didn’t elaborate or anything. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it.”
He pushed at his temples with his finger and groaned.
I knew I should just drop it there. It clearly upset him and who was I to demand more? There was plenty I hadn’t told him about me. I couldn’t expect Colton to share his scars with me if I wasn’t willing to bare my own with him.
“She was my girlfriend in highschool.” I held my breath as he began to talk. He was actually going to bare it all. “It was serious at the time, but it’s not like I’m still brooding about it,” he snorted. “It was forever ago. We were just kids, not much older than Shay.”
“So if you’re over her, why is she such a sore spot? Something happened with your brother?” I couldn’t help jumping to all sorts of messed up conclusions. After all, I didn’t grow up in a nice life where the worst crime was someone scratching your car a little in a parking lot. I’d seen some messed up shit, and my mind spun with the possibilities of how his ex was involved with his brother.
He took a deep breath and stared off into the pattern of his bedroom carpet. “We were rock climbing. Kim’s rope snapped. She landed on this thin ledge sticking out. I started climbing down to her but Spencer was closer.” He swallowed hard but didn’t blink or take his eyes away from his spot. “He had to go down freehand because his rope was too short. It was stupid, but the ledge was cracking and we had to save her. He managed to reach her and attached her to my rope. It just...happened so fast.” He turned to me with glossy eyes. “The ledge broke before he could grab hold of the rock face. No rope. No anchor. He didn’t stand a chance.”
I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t anything like I’d expected. It was heartbreaking. A tragedy he obviously wore heavily around his neck. “I’m so sorry, Colton. That must have been awful.”
“He died a hero.” It came out direct , as if he wanted me to know without any room for pity or doubt. “It was stupid, but if he hadn’t have done it she would have died. One of us was supposed to die that day. It should have been me, but he made that choice, and he died a hero. I hold on to my guilt, Tia, but that’s my own burden. Not one of us looks at Spencer’s death as anything but heroic. We’re proud of him. Always will be.”
I put my hand on his and stoked his cheek with the other. “But you’re still angry.”
“Because of Kim.”
I furrowed my brow at him. “Why? You said it yourself, he died a hero. Surely, that wasn’t her fault.”
“She left. After the funeral. She said she wanted to live life to the fullest and not waste it here. I don’t blame her really, but I guess I still hate her for it. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. He sacrificed his life so that I could have one with her, and she just fucking left. Didn’t even bat an eye. And now everytime I think of my brother, I can’t help but remember what she did. It’s like a block. I can’t get past it.”
I wanted to hate her too. For him. It was a shitty thing for her to do, but I knew survivors’ guilt better than most.
I almost didn’t say anything, but I felt the need to ease his pain and maybe even give him some clarity. “I didn’t handle Lily’s death well either. A big part of that was guilt. I still hear her. Screaming. Dying.” He put his hands on mine, soothing me from the memory. “I ran away too. Left the city. Left my life to find some peace. To heal. Maybe that’s what Kim needed. A fresh start to drown out the nightmares. There’s no right way to grieve Colton. Maybe Kim needed to grieve too, in her own way. You mustn’t let what happened with her ruin the few years you had with your brother. Your mom won’t stop talking about him anytime soon.”
He choked out a sad laugh. “I guess you’re right about that.”
“You’re lucky. To have this. A loving family. Don’t waste it on anger.”
Being in the Haxley house, seeing how much they cared about each other and gave out their love and support, it was something I’d never thought too much about. You can’t miss what you never had.
But I would miss this. I’d miss the unconditional love and the strength of a family pushing through the tragedy with even more love. It was something I needed to see. Something I needed to learn from. I needed to know that not everything in life was sad and lonely. Even if it wasn’t for me, I would smile knowing a man as good as Colton had this.
He placed both his hands on my cheeks and kissed me. It was the sweetest kiss he’d given me so far.
Something lit inside my chest. It had been smoking for days now, and I knew the closer Colton got to me, the hotter it would burn. The question was, could I let it? Could I take that risk?
Chapter Nineteen
Colton
“Watch your step,” I warned, pulling Tia up the steep rocks.
She huffed up the last couple of steps and gasped at the sight ahead of her. “This can’t be real. Is this real?”
I chucked at her reaction and looked up with her at the secluded waterfall. “It’s real. I told you we had some hidden gems around here.”
We’d been hiking for around an hour before we made it to the falls. It took a little longer than usual as Tia wasn’t exactly dressed for the trek. Not that I was complaining. Her polkadot sundress hung off her ass and her ankle boots clinked along the stone path. She was making the most of the warm day and even though I offered her a pair of hiking boots from the gift shop, she was having none of it.
Without another word, she dropped her backpack on the ground and pulled out a sketchbook and pencil case. She was almost impatient to get to work on capturing the little oasis. I couldn’t blame her. It was beautiful up here.
The waterfall was small, surrounded by dense firs. The sun was shining high in the blue sky, turning the water to crystal. But despite the gorgeous view, my eyes darted down and fixed on her. I perched on a rock by the water and watched her in silence as she bit her lip, focusing hard on capturing the image. Her pencil flicked over the paper at a ridiculous speed, but I didn’t doubt her abilities. Tia had a way of making the roughest of sketches perfect. She had a gift.
I leant forward, resting my arms on my thighs. I didn’t want to disturb her, but I had something I’d wanted her to hear since the night we had dinner with my parents. “Tia.”
She didn’t stop sketching or bother to look over to me. “Uh huh?”
“That stuff you said in my bedroom.” I scratched the back of my neck, thinking of the best way to phrase it. “You were right. About Kim. I needed to think about things from her perspective. I always felt guilty about Spencer. Chances are, she felt that even more than me.”
She smiled without looking up. “I’m glad I could help. I don’t like the idea of you carrying that around forever. You have a good life here, Colton. You have a lot to lose if you let it haunt you.”
Just then a bird cawed up high. She looked up to the sky, catching sight of a hawk gliding over. “This place is incredible,” she muttered almost to herself, focusing back on her work. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” She pulled out some colored pencils and started to shade in parts of the sketch. “It’s crazy, isn’t it? People spend so long trying to create perfection and here it is. The world made it before we were even here. I never appreciated nature before coming here, you know? My trees are skyscrapers, and my waterfall is a busted fire hydrant.”
I could listen to her for hours. That east coast accent spitting out truths with an infectious giggle. I felt an overwhelming urge to make right every wrong in her life. Not as payment for what she’d given me, but because I wanted to be the one to give Tia happiness. I wante
d nothing more than to make the woman smile for the rest of her life. “You know, Tia, if you ever want to talk...about Lily, I want you to know – ”
“I don’t.” She finally looked up from her work and shot me a sad smile. “Don’t take it personally. I don’t want to talk about it. Period. Not to you, not to anyone. You don’t know shit about it, and I’d like to keep it that way. Got it?”
It was the kick back I’d feared. Tia opened up more as the days went on, but I could still feel this huge block in our path. I’d hoped to have knocked it down by now. After all, I was running out of time. She would be gone soon enough and without getting her closer to me, I didn’t stand a chance to convince her to stay.
Tia must have noticed my good mood turning sour. She placed her work down on the grass and stood up, walking up to me with that sexy smirk. “I said, don’t take it personally.”
“I know.” I pulled her down on my lap, so her legs were straddling me. “I’m sorry I pushed. I want to know everything about you, that’s all.”
She chuckled, threading her fingers into my hair. “You know plenty already.”
“I want it all.”
“Greedy boy,” she uttered against my lips before capturing them with hers.
Tia tightened her thighs next to mine and sank her tongue deep in my mouth, replacing all my unease with her sweet taste. Her fingers gripped the short strands on the back of my neck as she sucked on my bottom lip.
I grabbed her hips and placed her at my cock, showing her how much she had affected me. I would have heard her gasp, but the rush of water from the falls covered her small whimpers. Still, I knew they were there. They always were. It was one of the things I loved about Tia. She was so responsive. Every touch, every tease had her moaning, stirring up my own appetite.
“This place is pretty secluded, huh?” she asked with a naughty smile.
I matched it and whispered in her ear, “Very.”
She knelt up, pulling her dress up over her head. “So no one will mind if I do this then?”
“No one I can think of.”
Lost at Heart: A Steamy Small Town Romance (Bluerock Series Book 2) Page 15
