by Bloom, Tracy
Chapter Eight
‘Where’s Abby?’ asked Ben the following day, plonking himself down on a sun lounger next to Braindead.
‘Still in bed,’ replied Braindead. ‘Fast asleep, haven’t got a word out of her. Even the words “buffet breakfast” didn’t seem to have any impact. I mean, how can you ignore those two words? It’s like a dream come true, mate. Best two words in the English language, I reckon. Me and Logan have been down and thoroughly indulged. Well, I did. Full English plus two pancakes and three rounds of toast. I made sure Logan was healthy though. Yoghurt, fruit and one slice of toast for him. You need to set a good example, don’t you?’
‘Very wise,’ said Ben, leaning back on his chair and shading his eyes against the sun.
‘So where’s Katy and the kids?’ asked Braindead.
‘She took them both to the play area,’ he said with a small smile. ‘She’s feeling guilty for getting drunk on the plane yesterday so is bending over backwards to make up for it. Although I think she might be regretting it, judging by the unholy racket that was coming from the playground. Not the greatest place to be with a hangover. How’s Abby’s head? She was pretty wrecked yesterday. Did she get a bruise from that fall?’
Braindead shrugged. ‘No idea. She barely said a word after we got into the hotel room. Just went to bed. I suggested a walk on the beach at some point but she just groaned and rolled over. She missed seeing Logan’s face when he first put his toes in the water. She’ll regret that. Still, I took loads of pictures.’
‘You, mate, are hilarious,’ came a voice from behind them followed by a giggle from Logan.
Braindead and Ben whipped their heads round to find Logan pouring water all over the feet of a man lying on a sunbed behind them.
‘Oh God, mate, I’m sorry,’ said Braindead, leaping up and grabbing his son under the armpits. ‘Logan, what do you think you’re doing?’
‘It’s all right,’ said the man, who must have been in his mid-twenties and had a very round rosy-cheeked face that clearly wasn’t friends with the sun. ‘He’s fine, I’m not bothered. I’ve got twin nieces who have done far worse.’
‘Twins!’ said Braindead. ‘Wow. I was only saying last night how insane twins would be. This is Logan, by the way, who has already tried to ruin your holiday, and I’m his dad Craig, but call me Braindead because everyone else does, and this is my mate Ben.’
‘Hi,’ said Ben, holding his hand out to shake.
‘Hi,’ the man replied, grasping Ben’s hand. ‘I’m Ollie.’
‘You here with your kids then?’ asked Ben.
‘No,’ replied Ollie, suddenly looking a bit uncomfortable. ‘Actually I’m here on my own.’
‘Really!’ exclaimed Braindead. ‘How come?’
‘Well, er, I…’ began Ollie, going bright red.
Oh goodness, thought Ben. Logan had found a freak to play with.
‘Well, I should have been coming with my wife,’ spluttered out Ollie, ‘but, er… well… she called off the wedding a month ago. Too late to cancel so I thought I’d just come anyway.’
‘So you’re on your honeymoon, right now, alone?’ asked Braindead in awe.
‘And now you know why we call him Braindead all the time,’ said Ben. ‘Tact is not his strong point.’
‘Well, he’s right,’ said Ollie. ‘Although I hadn’t quite pictured it like that in my head. I was trying to forget it should have been my honeymoon and treat it just as a holiday.’
‘A holiday, yes, of course, a holiday,’ said Braindead. ‘Who mentioned honeymoon? I didn’t mention honeymoon. Are you in the honeymoon suite?’
‘Braindead!’ cried Ben. ‘Not helpful.’
They both paused, waiting for Ollie to answer.
‘Yes, I am,’ he said eventually.
‘Jesus,’ said Braindead. ‘That’s got to hurt.’
‘I did tell them that it would just be me coming,’ said Ollie. ‘That it was no longer a honeymoon but when I opened the door to the room there was—’
‘Don’t tell me, the bed had a heart-shaped sprinkling of rose petals, there were candles lit and two swans made out of towels in the centre of the bed with their necks entwined,’ interrupted Braindead.
‘How did you know?’ gasped Ollie.
‘I came to Spain on honeymoon two years ago. It was quite possibly the most romantic thing I had ever seen and I cried, but I had just got married,’ he replied.
Ollie looked at them and swallowed. ‘I cried,’ he spluttered.
‘Because you had to sleep all alone in a petal-strewn bed,’ said Braindead. ‘Of course you cried. And it’s really difficult to unfurl those swan-towel things. That’s enough to make you cry.’
Ollie dropped his head for a moment. Ben and Braindead looked at each other.
‘It’s all right, mate,’ said Ben. ‘Braindead here didn’t manage to have sex on his honeymoon if that makes you feel any better.’
‘Ben!’ said Braindead.
‘I’m just trying to cheer the man up,’ said Ben.
‘It’s a very long story,’ said Braindead after Ollie had raised his head with a shocked expression.
‘A very long story,’ agreed Ben.
‘But we’re all sorted now,’ Braindead continued. ‘Look,’ he said, pointing at Logan, who was bringing another bucket of water back towards them from the pool. ‘Even managed to produce this little terrorist.’
‘Lucky you,’ said Ollie, looking wistfully at Logan. He sighed deeply. ‘To be honest, I thought I’d be sitting here talking about when we were going to start a family,’ he said. ‘You’re a lucky man. Where’s your wife then?’
‘She’s, er… having a lie-in.’
‘I bet,’ replied Ollie. ‘Having kids is exhausting, isn’t it? Well, I told you about my sister. All parents deserve a lie-in.’
‘Yeah,’ said Braindead.
‘My wife’s down the playground with our two,’ said Ben. ‘She had too much to drink on the plane yesterday and so it’s a guilt trip,’ he grinned. ‘But I’m not complaining.’
‘So when did you arrive?’ asked Braindead.
‘Oh, last week. I’m over half way through now.’
‘Wow,’ gasped Braindead. ‘What have you been doing?’
‘Well, I’ve read a lot. I took myself down the waterfront a couple of nights, you know, to try and mingle, but no-one wants to talk to a guy on his own. It’s like I’ve got a big flag with “Loser” written above my head. This group of girls took pity on me for a bit but when I explained I should have been on my honeymoon they got a bit weirded out and so they dumped me. Not that I’ve ever been any good at talking to women. I mean, my sister says I’m appalling. I just can’t do it, I’ve never had to chat a girl up in my life.’
‘But you must have chatted up your fiancée?’ asked Ben.
‘We’d been together since we were fourteen,’ Ollie explained. ‘We used to walk home from school together and then she asked me to go to McDonald’s with her and then kind of assumed we were girlfriend and boyfriend.’
‘Fourteen!’ exclaimed Braindead. ‘Are you serious? Are you telling me that you have never had another girlfriend apart from the woman who dumped you four weeks before your wedding day?’
‘Braindead!’ said Ben, ‘you really need to work on how you phrase things.’
Ben turned to look at Ollie, who admitted that Braindead was correct in his assumption.
‘You are practically a virgin!’ announced Braindead.
‘Braindead!’ said Ben. ‘Please!’
‘It’s all right,’ said Ollie, shaking his head sadly.
They sat in silence for a few moments contemplating Ollie’s fate whilst Logan poured water over his feet.
‘Is that bothering you?’ said Braindead eventually, pointing at his son.
‘It’s fine,’ said Ollie. ‘Worse has happened to me recently.’
‘Better off out of it, I reckon,’ said Braindead. ‘I mean, I’ve never met th
is woman but you need to experience some life, man. Have some fun. Get out and go wild or something.’
‘Yeah, well maybe,’ replied Ollie.
‘I’ve just thought of something,’ said Ben, starting to laugh.
‘You can’t laugh,’ said Braindead. ‘And you think I’m insensitive!’
‘I was just thinking about if you pulled here and it went really well and you invited a girl back to your room and you open the door and it’s the… honeymoon suite!’
‘Christ! What would she think?’ added Braindead. ‘There’s no way she’d believe it. Dumped at the altar… I don’t think so. More likely you’ve come on holiday with your new wife and bumped her off because you’d already had enough.’
‘This holiday is doomed, isn’t it?’ said Ollie. ‘I’m not sure why I even came. Maybe I should get an early flight home and cut my losses.’
‘You could say that you’re just that kind of guy,’ continued Ben, oblivious to Ollie’s discomfort. ‘That wherever you stay, you just have to have the best room, which in this hotel happens to be the honeymoon suite.’
‘Then she’d just think you were a twat and run a mile,’ said Braindead. ‘No, I think Ollie is right. This honeymoon is doomed.’
They sat in awkward silence, feeling Ollie’s pain but not knowing what to say about it. Thankfully Daniel arrived just in time to offer yet another opinion to the poor single honeymooner.
‘So this is where you’re all hiding,’ he said, resplendent in linen. ‘Well, you two at least. Hello, I’m Daniel,’ he said, sticking his hand out to shake Ollie’s. ‘And this is my husband Gabriel and our daughter Silvie,’ he continued, turning to introduce the rest of the family behind him.
‘I’m Ollie,’ said Ollie.
‘Ollie’s not on his honeymoon,’ announced Braindead.
Daniel pulled down his sunglasses and peered over the top of them.
‘Dumped at the altar?’ he asked.
Ollie gasped. ‘Not quite. Four weeks before actually.’
Daniel nodded.
‘How could you tell?’ asked Braindead.
‘I noticed as we approached that his back is burned, indicating that he is holidaying alone and has no-one to ask to apply sun lotion. He is wearing this season’s Ralph Lauren swimming shorts and yet I suspect he doesn’t normally wear designer labels so it is clear he should be here on a special occasion, however he is clearly not, given the sad doleful puppy-eyed look on his face. My condolences, young man,’ he said. ‘But better to have ended before the marriage was cemented rather than suffer years of mediocrity until she found someone who shuffled her away. Was there anyone else involved, by the way? I assume there was.’
‘No!’ said Ollie. ‘No, she said not.’
‘There will have been. It will all come out in about a month’s time when she believes the dust has settled and it will hurt you less but of course it will hurt more as you will then know that she had been lying to you all along.’
‘Bloody hell, Daniel,’ said Ben. ‘So glad to have the angel of doom on holiday with us.’
‘Do you really think so?’ Ollie asked Daniel, his face drained of colour despite the rosy burnt glow on his cheeks.
‘I would bet my new Calvin Klein sunglasses on it,’ said Daniel, carefully laying down a towel on a sun lounger. ‘There are few that are brave enough to walk into the abyss of singledom without someone to hold their hand, even it is just temporary. Many a mediocre marriage has been avoided by the arrival of a mediocre third party. The good news is that she is unlikely to stay with him. She just needed someone to help her jump ship. Once she’s out there and can see that she’s survived then she’ll cast him aside as he has done his job.’
Ollie stared at Daniel with his mouth open.
‘But she said that she had just fallen out of love with me,’ he said. ‘She promised me that there was no-one else involved.’
‘Well,’ said Daniel, ‘if that’s what you want to believe, you just carry on, but I’m usually right on these things.’
‘Ella Jefferson told me straight when she dumped me,’ butted in Braindead. ‘She said when I kissed her she found herself thinking about what she was going to have for tea but when Clive Dixon kissed her all she could think about was Patrick Swayze. I think she married him in the end.’
‘What, Patrick Swayze?’ asked Ben.
‘No, Clive Dixon.’
‘Do you think she still thinks about Patrick Swayze?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ replied Braindead.
‘Lucky escape there, I reckon,’ said Ben.
‘Exactly,’ said Braindead, looking over at Ollie, who still looked like he was reeling in shock at Daniel’s view on the crashing of his nuptials. ‘It’s all for the best,’ he told him. ‘Imagine if Clive Dixon hadn’t come along. I could be married to someone who reminded her of fish fingers when I kissed her.’
Ollie didn’t reply. In fact he looked overwhelmed by the input from the group that he had just befriended.
‘You need to get out there and enjoy yourself,’ said Daniel, taking hold of Silvie on his knee whilst Gabriel rubbed sun cream into her legs.
‘You need a nice Spanish girl,’ added Gabriel, smiling at him. ‘For holiday romance.’
‘He’s been out,’ said Braindead. ‘Everyone thinks he’s a loser because he’s on his own so won’t talk to him.’
‘And he’s got the honeymoon suite,’ added Ben. ‘Guaranteed to freak out any potential love interest.’
‘You have the honeymoon suite!’ exclaimed Daniel, taking his glasses off and staring at Ollie.
Ollie nodded. ‘I hate it,’ he replied numbly.
‘We’ll take it,’ said Daniel. ‘We’ll have it. Can you believe that they’ve given us single beds, the cheek of it? We’ll swap with you.’
‘Whoa, whoa, whoa,’ said Braindead. ‘You can’t do that. You’ve only just met. He’s our friend. We’ll take it. It might remind Abby of our honeymoon. They’d let us put a cot in there, wouldn’t they, for Logan?’
‘Do you have a double bed in your room?’ asked Daniel, handing Silvie to Gabriel and standing up with his hands on his hips.
‘Yes, we do,’ nodded Braindead.
‘Then me and Gabriel should have the honeymoon suite. We have single beds. It’s not right. They have made a terrible mistake.’
‘Then you have our double bed,’ said Braindead, ‘and me and Abby will have the honeymoon suite. Then everyone’s happy.’
‘But why should you get the honeymoon suite and not us?’ said Daniel.
‘Because we saw him first,’ replied Braindead. ‘We’ve been cheering him up for ages and then you just steam in and think that you can steal his bed. That’s not fair, is it?’
‘Don’t you think you should ask Ollie if he wants to give up his luxury suite with Jacuzzi and balcony overlooking the sea?’ interrupted Ben.
‘There’s a Jacuzzi!’ exclaimed Braindead and Daniel.
‘I’ve no idea,’ replied Ben. ‘I just made that up. Is there, Ollie?’
Ollie nodded. ‘And a balcony overlooking the sea,’ he added.
‘Look, I’ll pay you,’ said Daniel, taking a step towards the poor lad. ‘I’ll pay you to swap rooms with us.’
‘That’s so unfair,’ declared Braindead. ‘I can’t afford to pay him and you know that,’ he argued, prodding Daniel’s shoulder with his finger.
‘Don’t prod me,’ said Daniel, prodding back.
‘I will if you are using dirty tactics,’ replied Braindead, prodding him again.
‘If you touch me again…’ said Daniel, giving Braindead a shove.
‘Lads, come on, calm down,’ said Ben, getting up to intervene. ‘You’re behaving like children.’
Braindead looked at Ben and then leant forward and gave Daniel an almighty shove, causing him to stagger back and fall into the pool behind him.
‘Oh my God,’ gasped Braindead in surprise, dashing to the side of the pool and reaching in
to pull him out. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he gasped. ‘I didn’t mean that to happen.’
Daniel flailed around reaching out for Braindead’s hand then tugged him sharply, causing Braindead to tumble into the water too.
Ben and Gabriel stood and laughed at the pair as they splashed back towards the edge of the pool.
‘Are you two going to grow up now?’ Ben asked them as they hauled themselves out. ‘Leave Ollie and his suite alone, eh?’ he added. ‘He’s traumatised enough as it is without you causing him extra stress.’
‘No, I mean, I’d be happy to swap with someone actually…’ began Ollie.
‘Don’t say it,’ said Ben, clamping his hand on his shoulder. ‘Don’t breathe a word. We could have World War Three if you’re not careful. No, you keep your luxury honeymoon suite and we’ll all cope with sharing a room with the wriggliest, noisiest, most demanding human beings you can imagine. We’ll be absolutely fine.’
Chapter Nine
By the time Katy got to the pool with Jack and Millie some time later, she was a nervous wreck.
‘Hi,’ she said, looking flustered as she dumped down two enormous bags overflowing with towels and pool toys. ‘Sorry but I lost Jack for a whole fifteen minutes only to find him playing in the lift. I didn’t know whether to hug him or kill him.’
‘I got to number ten,’ said Jack proudly to his dad.
‘Wow,’ said Ben, holding his hand up to high five before Katy glared at him.
‘And Millie has already got her Elsa outfit caught on the slide and ripped it and I told her not to wear it to the playground but she insisted and now she’s all upset because it’s ruined and can’t understand why I don’t want to go to a shop immediately and buy a new one,’ continued Katy, sitting down and putting her head in her hands.
‘I promised Elsa she could come on holiday with us and now I’ll have to leave her behind in the room so we have to go and buy a new Elsa,’ Millie explained to Ben. ‘We shouldn’t break promises, should we, Daddy? If we don’t get a new Elsa, I will have broken my promise and I will be a bad person.’
