by Bloom, Tracy
‘Gabriel?’ suggested Katy. ‘Good God, they would eat him alive!’
‘What about Ollie?’ said Ben.
‘Ollie?’ said Katy. ‘You want me to take Ollie with me?’
‘Hen party… perfect for him, don’t you think, women desperate for… well, for something. And he needs help, believe me he needs the forwardness of a hen party to bring him out of himself, he is petrified of women.’
‘He’s petrified of women and you want me to put him in amongst that bunch of lunatics?’ said Katy.
‘Look, it can’t do him any harm. It’ll get him out, with women, on a night that doesn’t matter. No pressure. Could do him the world of good. And it repays him for lending us the honeymoon suite. Everyone’s happy.’
‘So you’re sending me on a night out to babysit a much younger man that I barely know who is socially awkward the minute he gets in front of a single female, and a wife and mother who is having some kind of midlife crisis? And to top it all I am doing this instead of being taken out for a meal by my husband and having sex on my holiday.’
Ben and Braindead said nothing.
‘Is that what it is?’ Braindead asked eventually. ‘A midlife crisis? Abby’s a bit young for that, isn’t she?’
Katy slumped. He looked so miserable.
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘But something’s not right, is it? I certainly think that she is having a tough time coping with how much her life has changed in the last couple of years.’
‘But it has all changed for the better. We got married, we had Logan, they’re both good things.’
‘They are but you do lose some things too. You lose freedom and Abby stopped working for a while and that’s tough. You feel like you’ve lost your identity. It’s a massive readjustment.’
‘Have I ruined her?’ asked Braindead, swallowing. ‘Have I made her life terrible?’
‘No!’ said Katy and Ben together.
‘It’s not your fault,’ added Katy. ‘These things just happen.’
‘What do I do?’ Braindead asked.
‘Talk to her. Get her to talk.’
He said nothing. He looked as though he might cry. All that could be heard was the dubbed cartoon droning on in the background.
He turned to go, his shoulders slumped.
‘You will go though, won’t you?’ he asked, turning round just before he left the room.
‘Of course I will,’ said Katy.
He shuffled out and shut the door behind him.
‘Poor Braindead,’ she muttered.
‘Poor me!’ exclaimed Ben, flinging himself on the bed. ‘I’m never going to have sex on this holiday, am I?’
Chapter Nineteen
‘Why am I doing this?’ said Katy as she sat in a chair at the bar, bouncing Jack up and down on her knee as she waited patiently for her two unlikely evening companions to appear.
‘You’re doing it for Braindead,’ said Ben. ‘I think.’
‘And what about Ollie? A young man I barely know forced out on a night out with me and a group of crazy hen party women. How has my holiday ended up this way? When I get home and people ask me if I had a nice holiday, I will say: “Actually, I wasn’t on a family holiday, I went on a hen do with a load of strangers and then tried to fix up another complete stranger whose fiancée had jilted him at the altar. That was my holiday!”’
‘There will be other holidays,’ sighed Ben.
‘You think?’ she said, nodding at their two children. ‘You think we will get a normal civilised holiday within the next ten years with this pair around? We’re destined for a decade with a complete lack of relaxation or respite, you know that, don’t you?’
‘Can’t wait,’ he smiled, reaching out and clutching her hand. ‘Here we go,’ he said, nodding towards the door. ‘Here comes your date for the evening.’
She looked up to see an unusual little party if ever there was one coming towards them across the bar. Daniel, Gabriel and Silvie escorting Ollie, who was looking actually pretty sharp although he didn’t look very happy about the prospect of his evening.
‘Looking good, man,’ said Ben.
‘I’m not sure about this,’ said Ollie.
‘What part aren’t you sure about?’ asked Ben. ‘Spending the evening with my wife or the prospect of half a dozen hungry hens ready to rip you limb from limb?’
Ollie went pale.
‘None of it,’ he whimpered.
‘My wife’s not that bad, is she?’ asked Ben.
‘No, no, she’s lovely. I mean, she’s a very nice lady, not pretty or anything…’
‘Oh thanks,’ muttered Katy.
‘No, you are pretty,’ he protested, looking warily at Ben. ‘You know, for your age, if you were single… I don’t know what I mean.’
‘You don’t fancy me,’ said Katy. ‘Is that what you mean?’
‘Of course not,’ said Ollie, ‘I would never…’
‘She’s just winding you up,’ interrupted Ben. ‘Ignore her. She’s really looking forward to taking you out.’
Katy raised her eyebrows.
‘Now do you like his makeover?’ asked Daniel.
Katy screwed up her eyes and scrutinised Ollie. She knew he looked different somehow.
‘What have you done to him?’ she asked.
‘I did a Queer Eye!’ said Daniel excitedly. ‘I have literally always wanted to do one and the minute I heard that he was coming with you on the hen do, well, it was such an opportunity, despite the fact I practically had to drag him kicking and screaming to our room.’
‘Well, he has been in a room naked with you once already this holiday,’ said Ben, ‘so I can understand the reluctance. But what’s doing a Queer Eye?’
‘Have you never seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?’ asked Daniel incredulously. ‘It’s an American TV show where five gay guys get to do a makeover on a straight guy and turn his life around.’
‘They turn him gay?’ asked Ben, confused.
‘No!’ said Daniel. ‘As if. No, they sort out his clothes and his skincare regime and his diet and his interior decoration and typically shave a lot of hair off him, although unfortunately Ollie didn’t have too much hair to begin with so I couldn’t transform him in quite the way they do.’
‘Skincare regime?’ questioned Ben.
‘Oh yes,’ said Daniel.
‘So they turn him gay?’
‘No!’
‘I’m just winding you up,’ said Ben, punching him on the arm. ‘But seriously, Ollie, if you feel you have been violated at all by the application of cleanser and moisturiser, I’m sure I could find you a charity phone line that could help.’
Ollie just looked in shock and didn’t answer.
‘You look great,’ Katy told him. ‘Really great. You did a good job, Daniel. Ignore Ben.’
‘Do you like my green linen shirt on him? See how it brings out the subtle highlights in his hair,’ continued Daniel.
‘Subtle green highlights?’ asked Ben.
‘It’s all to do with tone,’ said Daniel, brushing him off. ‘We’ve also had a really good chat about how to deal with these women he’s going to meet tonight.’
Finally Ollie spoke. ‘Apparently I should act shy,’ he said in wonder.
‘Don’t you agree?’ said Daniel. ‘Acting shy and mysterious will drive them wild. This crowd will be all over him and when he tells them he was jilted at the altar… well… he’ll have them eating out of his hand.’
‘I don’t want them eating out of my hand,’ protested Ollie. ‘Is that what they do on hen nights? Eat out of your hand? But I never use hand sanitiser, I don’t like how it makes your skin feel.’
They all stared at him in silence and for the first time Katy noticed he was shaking slightly with nerves.
‘He didn’t mean literally eating out of your hand,’ she said. ‘Now I want you to ignore everything that Daniel has told you. All you need to be is yourself. Please. Please don’t try to be anythin
g but.’
He nodded at her but still he was shaking.
A clatter at the door heralded the arrival of Braindead, Abby and Logan. Braindead was carrying Logan on his hip and wearing a grim look on his face. Abby had more make-up on than the woman with the worst skin on the make-up counter at Boots. She was also wearing a very short skirt and a bikini top with a cropped macramé cardigan over her shoulders and very high heels.
‘Shall we go?’ she said to Katy. ‘The boat will leave without us if we don’t get there by half past.’
‘Yes, of course,’ said Katy, trying to not stare at Abby’s boobs spilling over her bikini top. She’d put her swimsuit on under her skirt and top but had really no intention of taking anything off. She’d been tempted to put a book in her bag as she had some kind of notion that she might be able to hide herself away in a quiet corner. But Ben had laughed heartily and she knew she was being ridiculous. Instead she’d thrown in a small towel and a bottle of water. Maybe equally ridiculous.
Chapter Twenty
Two hours later, Katy sat Ollie down on a seat below deck on the party boat and told him to breathe. He was hyperventilating, such was his distress. What had they done to him? He might never speak to another woman again. Katy wondered whether she should dial 999 before she remembered they were not in the UK. She wondered if she should call the lifeguard. What emergency services did you summon aboard a boat? She had no idea. Of course she should be able to summon a tour rep, but from what she had seen upstairs there were no reps responsible enough to help her. The last one she had seen had jumped into the water then removed his trunks and waved them over his head triumphantly. Not the kind of man you needed in a crisis. She’d call Ben. He’d perhaps know what to do with a traumatised, hyperventilating young man who had been led into a situation entirely against his own free will and was now suffering because of it. She could go to jail, she thought miserably. What had they been thinking?
* * *
It had all started relatively innocently. Katy, Abby and Ollie had arrived at the harbour and were soon spotted by the hen party.
‘Hey, Abby, over here,’ shouted Rachel. Katy looked over. They were all relatively sanely dressed in matching pink T-shirts and various types of sarongs, oh, and penis-shaped deely-boppers that Katy tried to ignore.
Cassie dashed over to Katy and enveloped her in a massive hug.
‘I didn’t think you were coming,’ she gasped.
‘I’m sorry,’ replied Katy. ‘I forgot to text you back.’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ said Cassie. ‘You’re here now. Just so you know, Ruth has planned some games but I don’t want to do them.’ Cassie was looking slightly manic.
‘Right,’ said Katy. ‘Well, don’t then.’
‘Yes,’ said Cassie. ‘You’re right, I won’t. Not if I don’t want to.’
‘Of course,’ said Katy. ‘It’s your hen party, you don’t have to do anything.’
Cassie nodded furiously. ‘Of course you’re right. When Ruth tries to make me do it, you will stick up for me, won’t you?’
‘Er, well, if you need me to,’ replied Katy.
‘Where’s Daniel?’ asked Ruth, interrupting.
‘Oh, he’s having some time with his husband and daughter,’ said Katy, ‘So we brought along a friend we have made at the resort. Hope that’s all right? This is Ollie.’
Katy looked at Ollie, who was looking absolutely terrified at the sight of a sea of glittery penises bobbing around at eye level.
‘Pleased to meet you,’ he mumbled.
‘Single?’ barked Bridget, eyeing him up and down.
‘Er, yes, actually I am,’ he said, looking at the floor.
‘Weh hey, girls,’ said Fi, shoving her fist in the air. ‘We’ve got a live one. I thought we’d got it made, getting a gay guy to tag along but a single guy… my God, this is like a dream come true. I tell you what, Ruth,’ she added. ‘Us meeting Abby on the plane has been the best bit of planning you have ever achieved.’
Ruth grinned and handed a T-shirt to Abby, one to Katy and then one to Ollie.
‘I don’t have to wear this, do I?’ he said to Katy, his eyes as wide as saucers.
‘If you want to be in our gang,’ said Fi, ‘you have to wear the T-shirt.’
‘But, it might not fit?’ he whimpered.
‘They’re all large, don’t worry. We chose the size based on the size of Bridget’s tits. It was cheaper if they were all the same size apparently, wasn’t it, Ruth?’
How Katy stopped herself from looking at Bridget’s chest she had no idea.
‘But Daniel lent me his shirt especially,’ continued Ollie.
‘He won’t mind,’ said Fi. ‘He’d be totally up for wearing a pink T-shirt with “Mother of the Bride” on the back.’
‘What!’ he exclaimed. Katy watched as he unravelled the T-shirt to find that indeed it said ‘Mother of the Bride’ on the back.
‘My mum was supposed to be coming but she got a slot to get liposuction and so she decided that would be better for her – you know, for the sake of the photos and that – and so she cancelled,’ said Cassie.
Katy gave Cassie a sympathetic smile. Boy, there was some pressure to get married if your mother was having liposuction just for the photos. Maybe she should have another chat with Cassie later to see how she was feeling about her forthcoming marriage. Perhaps then the evening would not be completely wasted.
‘You want me to get on that boat in a pink T-shirt with “Mother of the Bride” on it?’ asked Ollie, now quite pale. He gave Katy a look that nearly broke her heart.
‘Come on, it will get you in the spirit,’ said Bridget as they all crowded round him expectantly. ‘We’ll stand round you whilst you change, if you like, so no-one can see you.’
Ollie looked at Katy in astonishment and then slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Katy felt her whole body clench. She knew it was coming, she could feel it. She wanted to stop it, but she didn’t know how.
‘Da, da dar, de da da dar…’ began Rachel with a smirk as she hummed the unmistakable tune to ‘The Stripper’. Soon everyone had joined in and Katy could feel the heat from Ollie’s cheeks.
This was a huge mistake, she thought, not for the first or the last time that evening.
* * *
They stood in line waiting to get onto the party boat. Ollie didn’t look or speak to Katy whilst Abby took swigs of vodka from a bottle that Rachel was passing around.
They got on the boat and headed for the bar. It was of course absolutely rammed but Ruth managed to push her way to the front and came back with as many cocktails as she could carry, as well as two bottles of lager which she had stashed in her bag and handed over to Ollie.
‘There you go,’ she said. ‘This will help.’
He smiled at her gratefully and practically downed a bottle in one.
They all pushed their way up the stairs and onto the top deck where a DJ was banging out pulsating rhythms, the dance floor already crammed with a mass of semi-naked twenty-something bodies. Firm flesh swam in front of Katy’s face. Flesh that hadn’t been ravaged by childbirth or years of eating too much sugar and too much fat. Flesh that was perfect and smooth and lacking in any cellulite or stretch marks or unwanted hair. This was fast becoming Katy’s worst nightmare as well as Ollie’s. There was no way she would be donning her swimsuit here. Her demure swimsuit that still didn’t cover enough of her dimply legs and fast-emerging bingo wings. She swallowed and looked for Abby. As she took a swig of her drink she spotted her. Right in the middle of the heaving dancers in her bikini, her eyes closed, a smile on her face. She wasn’t sure this hedonistic atmosphere was going to do much for Abby’s state of mind either.
She felt someone nudge her arm and she turned around in utter fear, hoping it wasn’t one of the topless men strutting about with waxy smooth chests, oily from sunscreen, who were making her feel quite queasy.
But it wasn’t. It was Ollie holding out four shot glasses.
&
nbsp; ‘I think this will help,’ he said to her.
But they weren’t safe for long. It was soon spotted that two of the party were not joining in and Fi and Rachel arrived to drag them onto the makeshift dance floor next to all the other flesh.
‘No!’ they both protested as they grabbed their wrists.
‘No!’ said Katy, remembering that Ben had told her that under no circumstances must she let Ollie dance, given that he was the worst dancer in the world.
But it was too late.
They were in amongst the thrusters and twerkers looking at each other in terror. They had no choice, they had to move. They had to dance. They were committed.
Despite the cocktail and two shots, the alcohol was fighting a losing battle against the terror of the situation and Katy found it impossible to get with the rhythm. She swayed awkwardly, hearing her own heartbeat thumping in her ears. Then she heard uproarious laughter coming from her left and watched as Rachel and Fi pointed at Ollie and his very awkward approach to musical movement.
He stopped suddenly when he spotted that he was being laughed at.
‘I’m being the mother of the bride,’ he announced.
They stopped for a moment then laughed again.
‘You are a genius,’ they told him, clapping him on the back. He grimaced and carried on.
I wish they’d play some Abba, thought Katy after about fifteen minutes of monotonous dancing to nameless tunes that if she were twenty years younger she might have heard of but to her mature ears just sounded like ‘noise’. She was reminded of her dad complaining about Top of the Pops when she was a kid and telling her it was just noise and cupping his ears. How had she got as old as her dad?
She needed a break. It felt like she had been dancing for hours but she daren’t leave Ollie to the rest of the hens, they might eat him alive. She looked at a bench longingly. Perhaps she would see if Ollie wanted a sit-down for a while. Take the weight off his feet.
She was about to sidle over to him when she spotted that Abby was missing again. This was absolutely the last time she was going to offer to play babysitter. She looked around and eventually spotted her dancing with a man. A man with perfectly groomed hair, shaped to an elaborate quiff, and a perfectly smooth honey-bronzed chest attached to buff biceps that pumped to the music. He could easily be described as the absolute polar opposite of Braindead. Katy gasped. What should she do now? Grab Abby by the scruff of the neck and demand that she sit quietly by Katy’s side for the rest of the trip with her legs crossed? She was only dancing. That was okay, wasn’t it? You could dance with a man when you were married. There wasn’t a law against that, was there? But maybe there was when the man in question was thrusting his bits towards you in a predatory fashion. Maybe that was a step too far.
