“Well, if it means anything, I like that you’re unique, and I’ve already grown to love the navy in my hair since it reminds me of you.”
Aleksander’s smile was brilliant, and he stole a kiss. “You wear it well.”
“Did you have problems leaving your home when you were a drakeling?”
“No, not at all. It was after when we’d go to trade our goods when it started. I’d panic. At first it was to the reaction I’d get but it went further, and I would feel trapped, like there was no escape. Sometimes I would stand there paralyzed by fear, trembling and ready to throw up. It took my family’s patience and persistence to calm me enough to be able to move again.”
“I’m sorry, that sucks. You’ve heard of agoraphobia before?”
“Yeah. It’s often hard to admit when you have a disorder and, I think, for me there’s some shame involved. Here I am…the only High King, and I can barely stand leaving my land.”
“Your title doesn’t have shit to do with it. It’s not your fault, Sander. It is what it is, and I don’t think any less of you because of it. I don’t give a shit if we never leave D’Vaire.”
“Oh come on, you’re High King now. Don’t you want to live it up with swank parties?”
Rafe rolled his eyes. “Do I honestly look like I give a shit about parties?”
“The right ones can be fun.”
“Well, good news. You got a big damn house. We can throw parties here for the people you love. I’m sure you’ll enjoy every second.”
“We have a big house. How many times do I need to remind you of our shared title?”
“Okay, let’s be realistic. I’ve barely wrapped my head around the fact that I’m even lying here talking to you like this, with my only supposed physical issue being swelling that’s going to go away in a couple of days. Expecting me to accept that I now share the second-highest title in dragonkind is just unrealistic. Seriously, think of how long it took me to figure out I was gay after I met you. I’m a slow thinker.”
“Are you okay with your sexuality now?”
“You know the truth? I wasn’t confused because I was gay. All my life, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I would look at people and think that they were attractive, but I had no desire to go to bed with them. My brother used to call me a prude and poked fun at me because I had no interest in sex. Growing up around a bunch of fucking homophobes had me assuming I was straight but just hadn’t met the right woman.”
“You weren’t attracted to anyone?”
“Nope, but I had a sex drive. I’d jerk off regularly, so I couldn’t figure out how my brain couldn’t translate that lust into doing it with another person. Even when I met you, I didn’t immediately think I wanted to go to bed with you. Which made me even more confused since you’re my mate. Why didn’t I want to finally lose my virginity with the person Fate picked out for me?”
Aleksander reached and laid his hand over Rafe’s. “You never told me that. We’ve kissed and stuff. Does that make you uncomfortable?”
“No, because as I got to know you, I was interested in doing those things. It wasn’t until we got to be friends that it started to change. At first it was in dreams—then it translated into wanting to push things further. Only we never got the chance because we were hardly together, and by the time I was finally ready to go past kisses, I was at the mercy of my family.”
“Are you familiar with the term ‘demisexual’?”
Rafe shook his head. “No.”
“So, part of becoming a sanctuary was learning as much as we could about the beautiful differences that exist in people. Sexuality was once thought to be this very black-and-white thing. You were either gay or straight. If you didn’t fall into either of those categories, people thought you were confused or some other stupid explanation, but the reality is, we’re not that simple. Every day we’re discovering new terms to describe things about ourselves that have existed since the dawn of humans and those of us blessed by Fate. There’s a spectrum of asexuality, and demi falls right in the middle. People who are demisexual require an emotional connection before they experience sexual attraction to someone.”
Rafe’s scowl was more confused than Aleksander had probably ever seen him. “You mean there are other people like this? I just always figured something in my brain wasn’t right, and I was grateful that you finally fixed that when I was interested in kissing and everything else.”
Aleksander brought their mouths together tenderly. “Nope, you’re not broken. You’re just you and completely normal. We can look some stuff up; it might help you understand it a little better and allow you to decide if that’s indeed who you are.”
“Every time I think I’ve got part of myself, or my life, figured out, I learn something new that blows my mind,” Rafe muttered. “I wanted to be close to you right from the beginning, but I yearned to talk and get to know you. I loved it when we got to be friends, and that bond still means the world to me. I considered it my proudest achievement as I know now it’s the only true relationship I’ve had. Everyone else around me is a fucking liar.”
“Our friendship is going to be the center of our lives, Rafe.”
Rafe closed his eyes. “Yeah, this whole being with you thing is still surreal.”
There was a knock on the door, and Aleksander rose to get it. “Hey, Squirt, you shouldn’t be here. There are Cwylld rocks out everywhere,” he told Dra’Kaedan, who was standing there with Brogan.
The Grand Warlock was unmoved and skirted around him with a plate in his hands. “I brought Rafe cake and ice cream. I won’t stay. No worries, Tallosaur.”
“Where’s mine?” Aleksander asked Brogan, who handed him a bowl of ice cream with no cake.
“Dra’Kaedan ate the rest,” Brogan explained.
“Thanks,” Rafe told Dra’Kaedan, digging into his desert.
“How are you feeling?” Dra’Kaedan asked.
“Pretty good. I’ve been walking around, and I like getting to hang out with Sander.”
“I’d make a snide comment, but you probably don’t want to hear me teasing your mate, so I’m out. I’ll bring you more cake tomorrow.”
“I can’t believe he didn’t save me a piece,” Aleksander complained once the duo departed and he sat next to Rafe.
“One bite is all you’re getting,” Rafe warned, holding out a forkful of his treat, which Aleksander quickly helped himself to.
“Yum.”
“Learning about that whole demisexual thing and getting cake is putting me in a good mood. I might kiss you after this.”
“Might?”
“I don’t want to seem too eager. You might think I’m easy,” Rafe teased.
“I’m crazy about you.”
“I have no idea how I wound up here in your bed, but it’s definitely where I’ve wanted to be for months.”
“Reminder, High King, it’s our bed.”
“Right. Can I ask you a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Can we leave a light on? It’s stupid and embarrassing, but I’m afraid of the dark.”
“Not only are we going to leave a light on but tomorrow, I’m going to fill this suite with night-lights. And don’t you dare be embarrassed or call yourself stupid.”
Rafe kissed his cheek. “Okay. Thank you.”
“My face is sticky now. Gross.”
His mate’s only response was laughter.
Chapter 46
Rafe had a left a message for the dragon trainer, Jeremiah; then Aleksander had handed him his tablet and left him alone. His other half wanted to take Mortis outside to play, and he was doing laundry along with other mundane tasks while Rafe searched voraciously for sites about demisexuals. It was like discovering himself on the bright screen of Aleksander’s device. For Rafe, it put in concise terms what had always existed inside him, and he wished he’d learned of it a long time ago instead of worrying about why he was so strange.
Although he’d never thought the
re was anything wrong with sex, he hadn’t felt the need to seek any out. It was perfectly okay with him to take matters into his own hands, and he couldn’t imagine sharing his body with someone he didn’t know. Unlike Sullivan’s assessment that he was a prude, he was just not interested in random strangers. It wasn’t until he’d grown to know Aleksander that it had unlocked the chemistry that existed between them. Aleksander had a stunning face, but Rafe had been more interested in what was beyond that right from the start.
There was no broken switch inside him waiting to be repaired; it was simply the strong connection he lacked, and he considered himself lucky to find that in Aleksander. As if he’d summoned him, the High King swung the door to the bedroom open and strolled in armed with a basket full of clean clothes.
“I think Mortis wanted me to tell you he said hi,” Aleksander informed him, setting the laundry on the padded bench at the foot of the bed. “He ran around in circles when I mentioned your name, so I’m just assuming he’s thinking of you.”
Rafe laughed, putting the tablet on the nightstand and snagging a T-shirt out to help Aleksander. “You know, he can tell me himself. He’s just being lazy. It’s okay if he comes in here for a couple of minutes later, right?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Good, I miss him,” Rafe replied, setting down the top and pulling out more clothing.
“Babe, seriously?”
“What?”
Aleksander tugged Rafe’s boxers from his fingers and refolded it into a neat square. “You folded it wrong.”
“I imagine there are infinite ways to fold laundry.”
“Yes, but only one right way.”
“This is an interesting quirk.”
A second later, Aleksander pulled the pajama bottoms from Rafe and fixed them to his liking. “If you don’t do it right, it takes up unnecessary space in your dresser.”
“Are you going to give me a class on proper laundry folding?”
“If necessary. Fate’s sake, Rafe…now you’re just doing it wrong on purpose.”
Rafe laughed heartily because he was indeed slapping the pieces of clothing together as obnoxiously as possible. “The prissy look on your face is killing me. You’ve got your nose stuck up in the air like the snob most people probably imagine a High King would be.”
“Anyway,” Aleksander retorted with his eyes narrowed, making Rafe chuckle harder. “Did you talk to Jeremiah?”
“I left a message for him. Then, I looked up that demisexual thing on your tablet. I think…no, I know I’m exactly what they describe.”
“Does it make you feel better, knowing that there’s a word out there that describes what you are?”
“It does. It’s such a relief that I’m not fucked up or something. You told me you didn’t come out while you were at Court Ethelin because of your father. Was it easy to let go of that burden and tell your real family?”
Aleksander grabbed the stacks of clothing and put them neatly away. “I kept it a secret until you showed up here.”
“You did? Why?”
“I don’t really know. I think, in the beginning, even after we left Court Ethelin I was still scared. Brogan was out, and so were Larissa and Madeline. You’d think that would be a comfort and give me the bravery to tell the truth about myself, but I just didn’t. As the years dragged on it got more awkward, and as I grew insular it no longer mattered. I buried it. You walked in, and I realized I had no choice but to announce it. I didn’t give myself any chance to debate it. I just got it out there, and it was such a relief to no longer have that secret looming. I didn’t even grasp how much I needed to say it until I did.”
“Sander, I know I was your first kiss, but are you telling me you’re a virgin too?” Aleksander nodded slowly, and Rafe grinned like an idiot. “I don’t know why that makes me so happy, but it does.”
To his immense pleasure, Aleksander walked to him and Rafe rose to his knees as they embraced. “I’m a seven-hundred-and-fifty-three-year-old man who has never had sex. So, no complaints when our first time is over in ten seconds.”
Rafe ignored the voice in his head demanding that he tell Aleksander not to hold him too tight since he didn’t want his still substantial swelling to remind his mate of those days when he was thick through the middle. “Wait. How are you younger than me?”
“What year were you born?”
“1188.”
“Less than a hundred years between us. That’s not much. Why are you wiggling like that? Am I hurting you?”
“No, I’m squishy.”
“You’re swollen because you had massive healing. So what? This better not be you thinking that you’re fat again. You might want to look up body dysmorphia.”
“More like you need glasses.”
Aleksander’s expression was unamused, so Rafe brought their lips together. “This is dangerous.”
“What?” Rafe murmured between kisses.
“How good you are at distracting me.”
There were no words for several long minutes as Rafe put all his concentration into pleasing and being pleased by Aleksander. Their tongues swept against each other, and Rafe simply melted in his arms. For so long, he’d dreamed of moments like these, and he wanted to take each sensation, each gentle caress, and imprint them on his memory for eternity. When he had no choice but to appease his straining lungs, he stared into a set of lust-filled orbs in the handsome, smiling face of his mate.
“I want to tell you something before I chicken out,” Rafe whispered.
“You can trust me with anything.”
“I know. It’s one of the many reasons why I love you.”
Shifting to capture Rafe fully in his arms, Aleksander held him securely but not tight enough to hurt his still-healing body. “There were so many times I thought I’d never hear those words from you because I convinced myself that what we had wasn’t real. I’m so glad I was wrong. Rafe, I love you too.”
“You’re my best friend.”
Pulling away, Aleksander cupped his face in his hands and kissed him hard. “I will cherish you and your friendship for the entire eternal life we’ll share together.”
“One thing I’ve always been sure of is that I can trust you.”
“Yes, you can. I will take care of your heart, and I know mine is in the best hands too.”
“I’m kind of out of flowery stuff to say. I can’t say it like you can.”
Aleksander leaned their foreheads together after dropping a kiss above his nose. “I don’t need fancy shit, Rafe. All I need is you.”
“You gave me hope when there should’ve been none.”
“Now you’re just trying to make me cry.”
“Is it working?”
When Aleksander lifted his head, there was indeed wetness in his eyes, but Rafe couldn’t deny that he had it too. “One more kiss, then I need to buy you a bunch of night-lights.”
“See, that’s the kind of shit that gets you points from me,” Rafe said and was given no choice but to savor another beautiful meeting of their mouths.
Aleksander released him, climbed onto the bed, and stretched out. “I’m hoping I can accumulate enough to coax you into a make-out session later.”
Bemused and floating on a cloud of happiness, Rafe plucked the tablet from the coverlet and cozied up next to Aleksander. “It’s been a long time since we did that. I vote yes.”
“I got a text message from Dr. Suricata. She’d like you to call her office to schedule a follow-up appointment for next week. Want me to take care of that for you?”
“If you want. I’m thinking about buying one of these tablets. Are they expensive?”
“Babe, we have plenty of money. Buy whatever you want. Are you okay with Dr. Park attending? Apparently, he wants to apologize to you for storming out.”
“I’m not going to burn through all your money and yeah, he can come. I understood his point of view. I wasn’t convinced this healing shit was going to work either.”
“And yet, here you are. Healthy as a horse. Do we need to get into the argument about it being our money?”
“I did get a paycheck from the emperors. It wasn’t much but if these things aren’t that crazy, I might be able to afford one.”
“You’re annoying. And we need to finish the discussion on your weight. You’re too skinny.”
“I know that. I just don’t want to go back to where I was. Is that so wrong?”
“I don’t care what the fucking scale says, Rafe. I care about your health. You’re going to be in the range Dr. Suricata recommends. Which means you’re going to need clothes. You have barely enough pants and shirts to make it through a week, and they’re the wrong size.”
“I was going to ask her what weight I should be,” Rafe responded, miffed that Aleksander refused to admit he was chubby. “I’ve never shopped for clothes before.”
“Never?”
“No, Sullivan bought everything. I didn’t even realize at the time how little control I had over my life.”
“I don’t want to irritate you any more than I already have, but we’re always honest with one another. Did he buy you things to purposely make you look foolish?”
Rafe couldn’t hold back his chuckle at the wariness on his mate’s face. “I hated my clothes. Another thing I’d never heard of was color-blindness. I can’t see red or green.”
“Not at all?”
“Hang on, let me search for the fancy word,” Rafe said, bringing up the search screen on Aleksander’s tablet. “Yeah, it’s called deuteranopia. I’m probably butchering the pronunciation, but I don’t have any working green-cone cells. I see green as beige and reds as brownish-yellow. So when I was getting dressed, I was trying to match those things. Sully would always buy me a mix of tans like what I saw after I’d describe the colors to him, and he’d throw in tons of green and red stuff. Always in prints and stuff. I know it was awful; my father was always bitching.”
“Were there no tape measures or rulers in your house?”
Heart of the High King (D'Vaire, Book 19) Page 33
