Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  I took his hand and walked us to his bedroom. We stripped down, crawled into bed and held each other. I made love to him. The slow healing kind that included lots of kissing and touching. I had never experienced it until Kevin. I wasn’t sure if it had the same effect on him as it did me, but I always felt safe and loved afterward, and I wanted him to feel that from me.

  Before falling asleep, he laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around me as I ran my fingers through his hair and told him I loved him.

  29

  “Together, again.” Tim hung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into a half hug while his other half, Matt helped Anna round up all of Nate’s friends so she could go over their plans for the evening. It was Nate’s eighteenth birthday, and she was going all out.

  The plan was to celebrate at Big Al’s with bowling, food and arcade games. Since Anna didn’t want to be the only adult, she invited a bunch of friends along to help her transport kids and to hang out while the teens did whatever teens do.

  He lifted my left hand and looked at me with a questioning glare. “You still haven’t told anyone?”

  I shook my head and patted my purse where I kept my ring when I saw my family. “Not yet and don’t judge me.”

  He rolled his eyes.

  I elbowed him for judging me and to change the subject. “I’m surprised you’re still not hung over,” I teased. The week before, we had celebrated his birthday along with forty-ish of his closest friends. By the time Kevin and I left the party, over half the guests were drunk.”

  “Well, I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t notice my usual partner in crime not drinking or the fact you and Kevin left before midnight.” For the record, I did have a sip of Kevin’s wine when Matt gave a very sweet toast to Tim about how much he meant to him. But for the rest of the evening, I did just drink flavored seltzer water. It had become my go to drink since sobering up.

  Thankfully, Anna saved me from commenting by asking which adults were going to be the designated drivers. “I will,” I volunteered.

  The way Tim’s eyes bored into me, you would’ve thought I admitted to murdering someone. “We need to talk.” The way he said it left no room for argument. I didn’t mean to keep my lack of drinking a secret, but I also didn’t want to talk about it with the one person who I had always enjoyed drinking with.

  “It’s Tim’s turn to be the DD,” Matt announced with a warm chuckle and a gorgeous grin on his face.

  Tim leaned into me and muttered under his breath, “I’m only letting him get away with that because he’s cute and the idea of alcohol makes me sick to my stomach.”

  “I bet,” I snickered.

  “So, why did you leave my party early?”

  A huge smile spread across my face thinking about that night…in Kevin’s car…and the doorway between his bedroom and living room because we couldn’t wait to get to his bed… and in the shower the next morning.

  I sighed.

  “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

  “I would say sorry, but I’m not.”

  Hanging out in our pajamas, Anna and I leaned against her headboard while she animatedly talked about her friends Brad and Candace that I had met at her birthday party.

  I felt a tightening in my chest thinking about tonight and how she completely let go and had fun. I grinned cheek to cheek with happiness for my sister. Old Anna came out tonight, and I hadn’t realized how much I needed to see her.

  Since the beginning of May, I had seen more and more of the girl I grew up with. She still had moments when she would get down, but she managed to pull herself out of it. And for the first time in years, I didn’t feel like she would shatter at any moment.

  “Speaking of Brad, he mentioned Adam came to his party a few weeks ago.” I had been dying to ask her about him. I knew she had taken his math class after they broke up and that it was hard for her to see him, but that was all I managed to get out of her.

  Anna straightened her back and drew in a deep breath. “He did,” then she blew out a breath and slumped against the headboard with a pout, “and he brought Professor Barbie.”

  “Professor Barbie? Did you tell me about her?”

  “Yeah. Remember when I told you about my first day of class and how Adam stayed late with me to help me with my math assignment?”

  I squinted trying to think back, but I had no idea what she was talking about. “Well, Professor Amanda Davis aka Professor Barbie dropped by looking perfect and model like, right as we were finishing. She didn’t remember me even though I sat in the front row of her class not a few hours before.” Anna rolled her eyes when I kept shaking my head. “Anyway, she was rude, so of course, I was sarcastic in return.”

  “Of course.” She was my sister. We were made from the same cloth.

  “So, I was forced to drop her class or risk flunking.”

  “Oh. That professor Barbie.” I giggled. “You actually never told me about this.”

  “Huh?” She scrunched her brows then shrugged. “Well, he brought her to Brad’s party,” she said with a laugh.

  “That sucks.” I mimicked her earlier pout.

  “Yeah. And she was really nice to me, so I can’t even hate her anymore,” she said with a huff. “It’s not like I can be mad. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. But I…”

  “Wanted him to pine for you?” I finished.

  “No.” She bit her lip and shook her head. “Okay, maybe a little.”

  “Aww, poor Sissypants.” I put my arms around her and squeezed until she snorted with laughter.

  When her laugh died down and turned into a sigh, she said, “Kimmie, I wasn’t ready for him back then.”

  “But you are now?”

  “Yes,” she groaned. “It’s not fair.”

  We sat in silence for a moment. I didn’t know where her head was, but I couldn’t help think I should feel bad about talking to Anna about a man other than Ryan, but I didn’t. I remembered back to New Year’s Eve when Adam picked her up for their date. There was one moment that I saw the way she looked at him. It was the way I looked at Kevin. Ryan would understand, and he would want me to encourage her.

  I had to think about something else before I got lost in the memories of Ryan and I knew just how to do it. “Did you see Matt try to show Tim how to bowl?”

  She laughed again. “Poor Tim. How can someone so athletic suck so bad at rolling a ball down the middle of a lane?”

  “Right? He probably would’ve done better if he had something to drink,” I joked. That started another roll of laughter.

  Two soft knocks on the door drew our attention. Nate poked his head in. “Sorry to interrupt the estrogen fest, but I wanted to say thanks.”

  I patted the bed, and when he took the seat between Anna and me, I hugged him. “Happy birthday, Natey-pants!” I managed to kiss his cheek before he escaped my hold.

  When he looked at Anna, I sensed he had something he needed to say and sat back making sure not to distract him. “Mom, I’m really happy.”

  I sucked in a breath and covered my mouth to keep from making another sound.

  “I’m glad.” Anna kissed his cheek and hugged him for several seconds before he spoke again.

  “I’m just... it’s just... I was starting to think we wouldn’t see you again.” The roughness of his voice hit me right in the heart. I couldn’t help but get teary-eyed over my stoic eighteen-year-old nephew who had become the man of the house when his father died. He opened up to his mother and expressed what the rest of us had felt. It had to be hard for him especially considering how much they had struggled the past few months.

  Anna pulled back and braced her hands on his arms and looked him in the eyes. “You have permission to knock some sense into me whenever I’m not acting like myself.” I held back a laugh but wondered if I had permission too.

  “Thanks,” he said with a little too much enthusiasm.

  I didn’t want to be left out any longer and put my arms ar
ound both of them until Nate managed to worm his way out of our grasp. When he reached the door, he turned and said, “Thanks for the party,” then he was gone.

  I stared at the closed door then to her, unsure if I wanted to risk ruining this moment by telling her I had caught Nate with his hand up his girlfriend’s skirt in a dark corner of the arcade. Thinking it through, I decided to save that bit of information for later and instead joined Nate in telling Anna exactly how I felt. “I missed you, too. I worried that after experiencing what you had with Ryan you’d never be the same.” I drew in a deep breath and blinked back tears. “I was right; you aren’t exactly the same, but... now you’re you, but stronger. I like this version of you.”

  “I love you, Kimmie—Always.”

  “Always,” I whispered back.

  We held each other for several minutes, both expressing our feelings without words. I finally had my sister back.

  Moving back to our spots on the bed, she looked over at me and asked, “Kimmie, what’s happening with you and your man?”

  He was the last person I expected her to bring up. “We’re good. Scary good…heavy on the scary.”

  “Scary can be good.” Being with Kevin had been the scariest thing I had ever done but also the best.

  “He’s-ready-for-the-next-step scary. I would run away, except the idea of running away from him is scarier. So either way, I’m freaking scared.” My voice broke from all the emotion I felt for him. I never wanted to return to a life without him in it.

  After a few minutes of silence, she took my hand. “You deserve happiness with a guy that’s crazy about you and not just plain crazy.” I laughed because I knew she was right.

  30

  Walking towards Kevin’s office to meet him for lunch, Tim and I texted back and forth debating about who had the sexier man. I won hands down, but he refused to accept defeat.

  Not paying attention to who might be in the reception area of Kevin’s office, I focused on my phone. I pushed send on a photo of Kevin I had taken that morning right before he woke. His hair had been in disarray from me running my fingers through it only an hour before, his early morning scruff that I loved rubbing against my thighs made him look sexier than usual and he was asleep looking content. Like the contentment felt after having amazing sex.

  Most of the time, I would’ve kept that sexiness to myself, but I had a point to prove.

  I startled into awareness when I heard Kevin saying, “Hey, sweetheart, you’re just in time.” I smiled up at him and then felt the blood drain from my face when I realized who else was in the room. Anna, Claire, and Jakey.

  Oh shit!

  “You know each other?” Anna and I asked at the same time.

  Kevin laughed seeing way more humor in the situation than I did. “Hey, that’s pretty good. Know any other tricks?”

  I looked at him in disbelief as we said, “What?” in unison.

  He pointed back and forth between us and asked, “How do you know each other?”

  “We’re sisters,” we said at the same time. We use to do it all the time when we were younger, but it had been a while.

  “Really? You two look nothing alike.”

  “We know,” we said.

  “How do you know Kimmie?” Anna asked Kevin.

  “Kimberly is my fiancée.” My heart raced at his simple reply knowing Anna was going to freak.

  I swallowed the growing lump in my throat as Anna stared at me. This was not how I imagined telling her…or any of my family for that matter. “I... uh... I was going to tell you.” With a shaky voice, I laughed as I slipped my phone in my purse that kept vibrating with incoming texts.

  “When? After you were already married?” The sarcasm dripped from her words. This would only get worse. I had the man of my dreams upset and my sister, now stronger than I had ever seen her, pissed off at me.

  “Ladies, let’s take this into my office,” Kevin said as his jaw clenched. I couldn’t look at him as I walked past him and took a seat across from his favorite chair. This was bad. Very very bad. On a scale of one to ten on the Kimmie bad decision scale, this was a fifteen––easily.

  “How long have you been engaged?” I felt Anna’s eyes on me, but I refused to make eye contact

  “How long have you been engaged?” she repeated.

  I braved a look at Kevin, who raised his brow waiting for me to answer my sister. I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I hated that I put it there.

  “Uh... for a few months.”

  “Are you kidding me? Why didn’t you say anything?” I flinched at the screeching sound of her voice. Then felt a wave of self-righteous anger hit me. I pointed my finger at her and spewed built-up frustration attempting to take the focus off of me. “You’ve been a wreck for a while now, and I didn’t want to stress you out, or make you any more upset than you already were.”

  Her eyes squinted and her hands fisted. “I’ve been doing good for a while now. You’ve had plenty of time to tell me—like last week,” she huffed.

  Kevin cleared his throat grabbing my attention before I could respond. “Jesus. Did you tell anyone in your family?”

  I pinched my eyes closed and managed to whisper, “No.” I didn’t want to see the pain in his eyes. He didn’t deserve the way I handled this, but I felt it had been my only choice.

  “Are you ashamed of me?”

  I sat up straight and looked into his eyes. “No! I... uh... you are the one who should be ashamed,” I admitted.

  When I saw Anna sneak out of the office, I wanted to reach out to her and make her stay. As much as I hated fighting with her, I didn’t want to be alone with Kevin and have his full attention.

  Kevin paced back and forth in front of me then mumbled, “I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together.” He looked at me and drew in a deep breath. “You and Mrs. Andrews…”

  “Anna,” I cut in. He was going to have to get used to calling her by her first name.

  “You and Anna look nothing alike.”

  “I know.”

  “If I had known… I’ll have to refer them to a different therapist.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to himself. Then he stopped and stared down at me with a mix of disappointment and anger. I figured at some point I would mess this up, but I wouldn’t go down without fighting for us. We could work this out. At least I thought so until he said, “I want the ring back.” He held out his hand waiting for me to give him my engagement ring.

  I shook my head then sat on my hand to keep him from taking it. I might’ve been acting childish, but I was desperate. “It’s my ring,” I stated feeling unsure about what was happening between us but making it clear that I wouldn’t give in.

  “I’m serious. Give me the ring.”

  “We can work this out,” I said, my voice shaking with panic.

  “Of course we can, and when I meet the rest of your family, I’ll give it back.”

  “No. I’m keeping the ring. It’s mine, you gave it to me, and we’re getting married.”

  “Like I said, not until your family knows about me.”

  “Kevin, you have no idea what you’re asking.”

  “I know. That’s the problem,” he said with an angry tone.

  He pulled on my arm to free my hand, but I fought him for it. Struggling over the ring would’ve been humorous if it hadn’t been happening to me.

  “Why won’t you tell them? How hard is it?” he asked through gritted teeth as he freed my hand and managed to slip the ring off my finger.

  Ready to dig in my heals, I shook my head and said, “You wouldn’t get it. You’re not the one who keeps fucking up relationships and picking the wrong guys. My mother doesn’t trust my judgment and if…if you meet, and she doesn’t like you, I’ll never hear the end of it. I love you. I don’t want to do that to you or me.”

  “Do you see yourself, Kimberly? Look at everything you are willing to do to avoid introducing me. How do you think it makes me feel?” He knelt in front of me bra
cing my face in his hands. “I don’t care if your family is crazy. I like your crazy. I think I can handle it.”

  “Please,” I begged. “Don’t do this. I need you.” He caressed my cheek with the pad of his thumb then left a sweet kiss.

  “I need you too, but I won’t settle for anything except complete honesty. I lived with someone who lied to me and kept things from me.” He lifted his hands in the air and finger quoted, “For my sake.” he sighed then went on. “That doesn’t work for me. If you want us to be together then do this one simple thing. I love you. You can do this. I’m begging.”

  I took his hand in mine. “So am I.”

  When he didn’t respond, I dropped his hand and left the room fearing I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. After having my mother’s voice in my head since I was sixteen putting down every boy I liked, every man I dated and my husband I couldn’t and wouldn’t let her do that to him. He meant too much to me.

  After four unanswered calls to Kevin, I called work to let them know I wouldn’t be coming in. “Aww, feel better,” Tara said over the phone. I hadn’t been feeling well the past few weeks, so it wasn’t a surprise that I called in though this had nothing to do with the nausea that hit me this week. I’d take that over heartsickness.

  I walked straight to the wine rack out of habit, but my hand stilled on the bottle cursing myself. “Alcohol isn’t going to fix this,” I reminded myself.

  My phone dinged with an incoming message. I glanced at it then dropped it on the kitchen counter, not in the mood to talk to Tim. No reason to bring him down when this thing between Kevin and me was just a misunderstanding. Once he saw my side of things, he’d give me my ring back and… “Then what, Kimmie? You’re going to get married without telling your family? You’re going to hide him forever?” Ugh. Why was I arguing with myself?

  I needed to talk to someone, but the only person who knew was Anna, and she seemed pissed, but she was my sister, and she’d have to forgive me.

  I dialed her number, and before she could say a word, I was sobbing. One second I was angry, and the next my reality hit me right in the face.