Ted had indeed seen many squirrels before. But these ones looked different. They appeared to be wearing tiny helmets and capes.
‘What are they doing?’ asked Ted.
‘Treebonk,’ said Willow matter-of-factly.
‘Treebonk?’ said Ted. The word sounded familiar, and then he remembered that Frank had mentioned it earlier too. ‘What’s…’
‘Still, keeps them busy, which is useful considering the Squirrel Wars.’
‘The… Squirrel Wars?’ said Ted, frowning.
‘The Grimwood Squirrel Wars will probably never end,’ sighed Willow. ‘It’s so annoying. There are booby traps hidden all over the place. Just last week I got caught in a net for an afternoon because I accidentally sniffed an acorn. Anyway, come on – I have to show you another brilliant Grimwood thing! You won’t believe your eyeballs.’ And Willow whizzed off towards the next stop on the tour.
Hello, everyone. I hereby present to you:
1800: The first red squirrels settle in Grimwood.
1800 (about half an hour later): The first grey squirrels settle in Grimwood.
1845: Ethel (a red squirrel) accidentally steals a bath towel from Kenny (a grey squirrel) when they use the same washing line.
1845 (later that afternoon): Kenny hides Ethel’s teabags.
1867: Small squirrels are told about the terrible Towel Incident of 1845 and the subsequent Teabag Uprising.
1867-1998: Lots of fighting.
1998: Owen (red) and Coco (grey) get married and unite the squirrels in peace and harmony.
1999: Kayleigh (grey) refuses to allow Wesley (red) to park in front of her tree.
1999-present day: The war continues, but mainly through the mediums of dance and treebonk.
itus was sitting at the small table outside the campervan he called home. Titus could often be found holding important mayoral meetings here, as well as late-night card games with Frank. But just now, he was alone, a piece of paper in front of him, scratching his snout thoughtfully. He was trying to write a book. It was called Memoirs of a Stag. He’d been working on it for about three years.
‘Right!’ he said, sharpening his pencil. He closed his eyes and hummed. Then he hawed. Then he hummed some more. He sighed. He thwacked at his head with the pencil. Then he said, ‘Ah!’ and scribbled something down. He did this again and again, each ‘Ah!’ louder than the one before. After about an hour, he set his pencil down, uttered a loud ‘PHEW!’ and wiped his brow.
‘Seven words! A good day’s work,’ Titus said to himself, settling back into his chair to have a well-deserved nap. He was just in the middle of a delightful dream about the summer he spent fruit-picking in Italy, when the doorbell rang.
‘I’ve brought a visitor,’ said Frank. ‘She cheers up if you give her coffee, apparently.’
Nancy grunted.
‘Oh, hello, hello!’ cried Titus, leaping from his armchair and clapping his hooves together. ‘A coffee drinker, are we? I absolutely LOVE the smell, but if I drink the stuff it plays havoc with my insides, just an absolute disaster for my bum area. But seeing as Frank’s a fan, I always keep a stash handy. Now, take a seat and settle down, young fox.’
Nancy plonked herself down at the table while Frank busied himself in the campervan.
Moments later he emerged with a battered pot, a couple of rusty tin cups, a carrot cake and some biscuits in his talons. He settled it all down in front of Nancy and poured out the hot coffee.
Nancy inhaled deeply – Oh, it smelled so wonderful – and drained the cup in one go.
‘Got any more?’ she said, licking her lips.
Frank narrowed his eyes and poured Nancy more coffee. Then he perched on top of the campervan and supped delicately from his own cup.
‘So, you’re from the Big City, eh?’ said Titus. ‘I’ve always wanted to visit. Tell me, is it true about the doughnut shops?’
‘What about them?’
‘Well… just that such palaces of wonder even exist! Can you really get ones covered in chocolate? And rainbow sprinkles?’
Nancy sipped her coffee a little slower this time.
‘Yep. They sell them by the dozen. They’re all right, I suppose.’
Titus groaned.
‘Such delights,’ he said, licking his lips. ‘The dark forces that drove you from the Big City must have been very serious indeed.’
Nancy shuddered with pleasure as the effects of the coffee started to whoosh around her body. She relaxed into her chair a little.
‘There’s this cat, you see,’ she said. ‘Princess Buttons. She’s a nasty piece of work. She wants to get rid of us foxes so she can have the Speedy Chicken bins all to herself.’
‘A speedy chicken? Who is this terrifying bird?’ asked Titus thoughtfully. ‘And why does it want to kill you?’
‘No, the cat wants to kill us, not the chicken,’ spluttered Nancy.
‘A murderous chicken,’ murmured Titus, ignoring Nancy completely. ‘You poor things.’
I know he’s kind of kooky, but I can’t help but like this guy.
Titus puffed out his chest.
‘You and your brother will be safe from the killer chickens here,’ he said kindly. ‘And that’s a Titus promise.’
Nancy sighed and looked closely at Titus. He had kindly eyes, grand antlers and big flappy nostrils. And he was clearly off his head.
‘It’s not a chicken,’ she repeated. ‘Anyway… we can’t go back to the Big City until Princess Buttons is gone.’
‘And when will that be?’ asked Titus.
‘I don’t know,’ said Nancy. ‘My mates said they’d text me to give me the all-clear. But that massive bird nicked my phone, didn’t she?’
Nancy was so annoyed by the memory that she banged the table with her fist, sending a custard cream flying.
‘Mmmm, yes,’ said Titus, removing the custard cream from his ear and putting it into his mouth. ‘I am so sorry about Pamela stealing your phone.’
Just then, the peace was shattered by a massive Jeep crashing through the forest.
PARP, PARP!
‘COMING THROUGH!’
The badgers’ Jeep bounced and clunked past Titus’s caravan before thunking heavily into an oak tree.
‘Ow!’ said the tree.
Frank flapped his wings angrily and hooted some very rude owl words that can’t be repeated.
‘Goodness!’ said Titus, clutching his biscuits to his chest.
The car was surrounded by billowing clouds of steam.
‘Gnnrffghhh,’ said the driver, a small badger wearing a school tie.
Nancy was the first to approach the Jeep and went to the driver’s door.
‘All right?’ she said.
‘Crgnrrgrg,’ said the badger.
Nancy helped him out. He sneezed five times and shook his head.
‘Wiggy!’ said Titus. ‘What on earth were you thinking?’
‘Wah happen?!’ said Wiggy.
‘You hit a tree,’ said Nancy.
‘Oh no!’ said the badger, looking stricken. ‘Monty’s going to kill me!’
Titus and Nancy helped Wiggy drag the car backwards away from the tree. There was a massive dent in the bonnet. Nancy looked at it from a couple of angles and then leapt on top of it. She jumped twice and the bonnet was flat again.
‘How… how did you do that?’ gasped Wiggy.
Nancy shrugged. ‘Lot of cars where I’m from.’
‘My saviour!’ cried Wiggy, and he flung his arms around Nancy, who immediately pushed him away.
‘Who are you?’ he asked, his eyes sparkling in awe and wonder.
‘One of our newest arrivals!’ said Titus, beaming. ‘She and her little brother have only just arrived in Grimwood. Isn’t that right, Nancy?’
‘Yeah,’ said Nancy. She suddenly felt a little shy and looked at the ground.
Wiggy slapped his forehead.
‘Of course!’ he said. ‘You were the fox who was out and about with young Wil
low! We drove past you earlier.’
Nancy frowned.
‘No, you didn’t,’ she said. ‘I came straight here from the den.’
Frank went very still.
‘HMMMMMM,’ said Wiggy, stroking his tie thoughtfully. ‘Come to think of it, this fox had big dreamy eyes and didn’t seem to have your terribly scraggly ears… so yes, you’re absolutely right, it wasn’t you at all! My bad.’
Nancy looked up at Frank, who was looking a little sheepish.
‘Oh, come on, let the laddie have some fun!’ he said. ‘No harm will come to him here.’
Nancy was fuming. ‘You don’t KNOW that!’ she barked.
‘Hey guys, let’s all just relax and have some carrot cake,’ said Titus.
Nancy pointed an angry paw at Frank. ‘You knew Ted was going to sneak off with that bunny, didn’t you? Well, now you can help me find him!’
Frank swooped down to perch on Titus’s antlers.
‘I think,’ he said, opening his wings out so wide they cast a great shadow over everyone, ‘that someone may have forgotten their manners.’
THWACK.
A flurry of squirrels suddenly whizzed overhead like hairy bullets.
Nancy shook her head, turned and stomped back into the forest. Grimwood was crazy, she decided. She was going to find Ted, drag him back to the den and sit on his head. She couldn’t wait to leave this weird place.
Titus felt a little sad as he watched Nancy march away.
‘She didn’t even take any carrot cake with her,’ he sighed. ‘I shall have to eat it all myself.’
‘She reminds me of someone,’ said Frank, his owlish brows drawing together in a frown.
‘Yes,’ nodded Titus, ‘I thought that too.’ And he mournfully shovelled some cake into his mouth and got loads of icing all over his snout.
e’re almost there!’ cried Willow, as she and Ted climbed up the massive hill.
They emerged from a thicket of silver birch trees and Willow started to bounce up and down and point up at the sky.
‘BEHOLD!’ she said proudly. ‘The Magic Tower!’
Ted looked up. It was an electricity pylon. It buzzed quietly.
‘Have you ever seen anything like it in your LIFE?’ bellowed Willow, still hopping up and down. ‘They say it gives Grimwood magical powers!’
Ted had, in fact, seen many electricity pylons in his life. He could have told Willow that the hot, fizzy electricity whizzing through those cables was used by humans to watch television, charge their phones and switch the lights on. But as he was a gentle and polite young fox, Ted just said, ‘No! What an amazing thing.’
Just then, a long black cable started to wave around madly in the air, like an arm made from spaghetti. There was a strange squawky noise.
‘Duck!’ said Ted, pushing Willow to the ground and covering their heads with his tail.
‘It’s not a duck, it’s an eagle, you silly,’ said Willow. ‘It’s Pamela. She likes to chew on the loose wire now and then. Says it gives her a “massive buzz”.’
‘But… but that could KILL her!’ squeaked Ted.
‘Yup.’ Willow nodded. ‘But Pamela’s a tough ol’ bird. She wants to feel the power of the Magic Tower.’
Hello, everyone! Just a friendly note to say please don’t go near electricity cables, and definitely do not attempt to chew them.
It would mean certain death and would likely ruin your day! Thaaaaaaanks! Xx
Ted watched as Pamela wrestled with the loose cable. He sniffed. The air stank of burning feathers.
‘They say the hoomins built this tower many years ago,’ said Willow.
‘Humans, you mean.’
‘Yes, hoomins. That’s what I said.’
‘Humans.’
‘Hoomins.’
‘Humans.’
‘Hoomins.’
‘Humans.’
‘Hoomins.’
‘Humans.’
‘Hoomins.’
Now listen, this is getting very silly.
‘Anyway, they say that it gives Grimwood a very special kind of energy,’ said Willow.
‘Oh! Is that why you’re all so weird?’ asked Ted.
‘Pardon?’
‘I mean, is that why you’re all so… unusual?’ said Ted, correcting himself.
‘It’s what makes us different,’ said Willow proudly, puffing her chest out.
Ted looked at Willow, who now seemed to be putting on some sparkly purple legwarmers. She started to stretch, making ‘OOH’ and ‘AAAAH’ noises as she lifted her arms, touched her toes and waggled her ears around.
‘Just warming up before Drama Club,’ she explained, bending over so much her head was between her legs. ‘The Big Show’s in a few days. We’ve been rehearsing for ages.’
Ted clasped his paws to his face. ‘Drama Club? Tell me more!’ he said.
‘Well, every few months, there’s a big talent show in Grimwood,’ said Willow.
Ted’s tail started wagging.
‘What kinds of things do people do in the show?’
‘Oh, there’s all sorts,’ said Willow. ‘The Grimwood Players put on a play or a musical. The badgers have a male voice choir. There’s a mole called Emo Omar who recites difficult poetry.’
Ted’s brain was a-poppin’ and a-fizzin’ with excitement.
‘It sounds fantastic! Is this the rehearsal Ingrid was talking about earlier?’
‘Yup,’ said Willow. ‘And she wants me to bring you. So come on, then.’
There was a nagging feeling in Ted’s tummy. He’d been away from the den for a while and should probably be getting back. But he pushed the feeling away.
He grabbed Willow’s paw. ‘Let’s go!’
They arrived at a copse which had been decorated with bunting and streamers. There was a small wooden stage and a few benches. Some efficient-looking beavers were adjusting two large spotlights nestled in the boughs of a pair of copper beeches. Animals were bustling about, looking very busy and important.
‘Golly!’ said Ted.
Ingrid the duck’s nervous-looking assistant, Tamara, waddled over to where they were standing.
‘Ingrid’s been waiting for you,’ she said, looking down at her clipboard.
‘Well, I’m here now, so everyone can relax,’ said Willow importantly.
‘No, no, not you. You,’ said Tamara, nodding at Ted.
Ted looked confused.
‘Me?’
She herded Ted and Willow to a tree stump. Ingrid was sitting on top of it, nestled in shawls and quacking orders through a loudhailer.
‘There he is!’ she cried, on seeing Ted. ‘Our new leading man!’
‘What?’ said Willow.
Ted’s mouth hung open.
‘Tell me, boy, can you act?’ asked Ingrid eagerly.
Ted’s mouth was still hanging open.
‘Have you felt the make-up on your face melt under the hot lights?’ she continued. ‘Soaked up the applause of an audience as you take your final bow?’
‘Um… what’s going on?’ said Willow.
‘Someone bit the head off our lead actor and we need a last-minute replacement,’ said Tamara briskly.
Willow gasped.
‘Binky? Binky Snuffhausen?’ she said.
Tamara nodded grimly.
‘Is he… is he dead?’ asked Willow.
Seriously, what is wrong with these people?
‘Yes,’ said Tamara. ‘Once his head was bitten off, that was it, really. Anyway, it’s all very sad but the show must go on.’
‘When I saw your little face,’ boomed Ingrid, waddling over to cup Ted’s head in her wings, ‘I knew, I just knew it! Look at you. Look at those eyes!’
Willow hopped up and down.
‘Wow, Ted, wow! This is amazing!’
‘Umm… but I’ve… I’ve never been on a stage before!’ squeaked Ted.
‘Then we will start your lessons at once!’ cried Ingrid, clapping her wings together with del
ight.
* * *
Fifteen minutes later, Ted found himself onstage. He was wearing legwarmers, a headband and a sparkly vest. Ingrid was teaching him how to ‘loosen up’ and make strange noises with his mouth.
‘You must FEEL it rise from your stomach, up through the chest and then PROJECT, dear boy, PROJECT!’
‘OOOOOHHHhhhhhAAAAAAHHHHH!‘ bellowed Ted.
Oooh, he’s very good, isn’t he?
‘Now I want you to show me joy! Show me the happiest fox on Earth,’ said Ingrid, waving her shawls and scarves around dramatically.
Ted thought of the happiest thing he could think of.
He laughed and skipped and bounced around the stage, picking Willow up and twirling her around and around.
‘You’re a natural!’ said Willow.
Ted grinned and he had to admit – he loved it.
‘Now show me fear,’ said Ingrid. ‘You are scared, you are alone – show me terror!’
‘Argh!’ he said, pulling his best terrified face.
Ingrid gave a quack of indignation.
‘I said TERROR, boy! Let me hear your most blood-curdling scream.’
Ted closed his eyes and tried to think of something really, really scary.
‘AAAAUUUAAAAAAAAUUUURRGH!’
Ted’s blood-curdling cry echoed through Grimwood.
* * *
Not far away, Nancy stopped in her tracks. After much stomping and sniffing, she had finally caught Ted and Willow’s scent, and she was weaving her way through the trees and bracken to find them. But hearing her little brother scream like that could only mean one thing.
‘Princess Buttons!’ she cried. ‘She’s found us!’
And she ran as fast as she could to save her brother.
* * *
Meanwhile, Ingrid was quacking with delight and clapping her wings together.
‘Again, again!’ she cried.
Grimwood Page 4
