by Shawneda
“Are you sure about this, me being here? What will the neighbor’s think?” Jenessa winced.
“Don’t worry about them. You’re the mother of my children. I don’t care what other people think. I care about you getting well and our children getting a good night’s sleep.” Charles Sr. wiggled his eyebrows and sat down across from her.
“So does this mean you’ve forgiven me, Charles?” Jenessa held her breath.
Charles crossed and uncrossed his leg.
“Why don’t we talk about this later? You need rest. Finish your nap, Nessa.” Charles Sr. leaned forward.
“I would rather finish this conversation we started. Things have gotten so much better since we talked to Dominique and Charles Jr. but I really need to know that you understand that I know I made the biggest mistake of my life.” Jenessa wiped at the tear on her cheek.
“Of course I do. But I still don’t understand why?” Charles Sr. shook his head. “Were you so unhappy you couldn’t talk to me about what was wrong in our relationship, that you had to turn to another man? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to think about this.”
“We went an entire year, and never had sex, Charles. I couldn’t even begin to explain what happened, because I wanted to be with you, but you just wouldn’t. Did it ever occur to you that I was lonely? I missed you? But you pushed me away because you were tired, and wouldn’t communicate. One thing led to another at work one evening, and it ended before it could even start. I told him I regretted it, and would never let it happen again but the next thing I knew, I was fired.” Jenessa sighed. “It seemed to me like you waited to make sure I had another job because almost to the day I made my one year anniversary with FA, you were serving me with divorce papers. What else could I do but go away quietly and sign them?”
“You could have talked to me.” Charles Sr. stood up. “Yell, scream, cry, be emotional, and get mad like most women. Not be analytical, cold, and calculated like some man.”
“My personality type has always been a sore spot for you, and I don’t understand why. Yes I could have done all of those things, but what for? They wouldn’t have worked, or worked you up into a frenzy enough to be with me. I gained that weight with Charles Jr., and until we divorced you never touched me the same again. I had to get down to my prepregnancy weight for you to touch me.” Jenessa’s tears dropped into her tea.
“Is that what you think?” Charles Sr. walked over to the couch. “I wasn’t attracted to you anymore because you gained weight. That’s crazy.”
Jenessa shook her head as vigorous as she could.
“Yes it is. I loved you. Promised before God, and the entire world I would love you, and only you until we died. There was not a weight requisite in our ceremony.”
“Then why did you stop making love to me. I tried everything, and nothing worked. How long was I supposed to endure that kind of rejection from the man who took those vows and broke them?” Jenessa chuckled to herself. “You thought I felt loved, honored and cherished when I was being treated like I repulsed you. That is crazy Charles and I was wrong to cheat but I didn’t set out for it to happen, it just did.”
“I wasn’t repulsed by you, woman. I was impotent!” Charles Sr. yelled.
The air rushed out of the room, and Jenessa prayed the pain from holding her breath would stop.
“With the investigation at work, Charles Jr. being born, and my responsibilities hitting me all at once, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t until the first night we were released to be with each other again, that I even realized. I hadn’t thought about how I wanted to be with you. We could barely wait with Dominique, but it was different because things were different when CJ was born. I never stopped loving or wanting you. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you I was having problems.” Charles Sr. sat down across from Jenessa.
“Are you kidding me?”
“Men never kid about impotence, Nessa. I would not lie to you about this, and please don’t mention it again. The stress and anxiety from work followed me home, and it wasn’t until they fired my boss’s boss, clearing our department, that I even slept well again at night. We were divorced by the time that happened. When we began being intimate after the divorce was final, I couldn’t bring myself to ask you to remarry me because I didn’t want to take any of the blame for the divorce.” Charles dropped his shoulders.
“You didn’t make me sleep with him, Charles. I did that all on my own.” Jenessa sniffed.
“I didn’t make it hard for you to be vulnerable to another man either. I left that door open for the enemy by refusing the counseling they offered at the job, and by refusing to tell you.” Charles Sr. said.
“I don’t know what to say. I still shouldn’t have slept with him, Charles, regardless of what we were or weren’t doing. I didn’t just let you down. I let God down, our families, and myself. I thought I was a better person than that, a better Christian. It took years for me to forgive myself, and finally accept being human.” Jenessa lowered her feet to the floor. “Have you forgave yourself?”
“What? Why?” Charles frowned.
“If not it explains why you couldn’t forgive me, and why you wouldn’t give your heart to Jocelyn. Don’t you think that would help?” Jenessa eased off of the couch and joined Charles Sr. on the loveseat.
“I suppose it would. I never thought about it.” Charles Sr. said.
“I really wanted your forgiveness Charles, and I’d still love to have it now. But only after you’ve forgiven yourself.” Jenessa patted his leg and settled into the back of the chair.
Charles Sr. looked at her, smiled and sat back next to her. He bowed his head for what felt like an hour but was more like three minutes. Once his head lifted he eased back and relaxed next to Jenessa.
Jenessa let her eyes drift closed again. She felt tired but lighter.
“Jenessa” Charles whispered and placed his hand on top of hers. “I forgive you.”
***
“You have everything you need?” Becca hugged her mother around the neck and didn’t want to let go like her first time being left at her aunt’s daycare.
“I have much work to do, mija and you have to get started on my grandbabies. You’re not getting younger.” Her mother pinched her nose and rested her hands on Rebecca’s arms still encircled around her neck.
“Tio sent pictures of the house and the center. Only one thing is missing.” Becca sniffed.
Her mother stretched her arm out towards Colby, “I’m so thankful for you. I know you will take care of her. Give your mother, and sisters my love. We agreed to pray for grandchildren soon. The quicker I go, the faster you start, no?”
Rebecca turned a new shade of red. Colby laughed, hugged her mother, then pried her fingers from around her neck. He placed one of her hands around his waist, and kissed her on the temple. Her mother winked at Colby before she walked through the maze of ropes to start the process of being cleared to fly back to her home.
“Thank you for helping me get things situated for her back home. When did you say we were going to visit her, and see the center?” Becca kept her eyes glued to her mother.
“We have vacation coming up in three months, just in time for the official opening of the center. Don’t worry, Becca. She will be fine, and so will we.” Colby squeezed her shoulders.
“I know. I just miss her already.” Rebecca sighed. “There are several hours left before our session you wanna take me home and console me?”
“Why wait? There’s a hotel attached to the airport.” Colby laughed.
“You missed me enough to drop $300 on a room for a few hours?” Becca kissed him on the cheek.
“Absolutely.” Colby kissed her back, and pointed to her mother.
Becca waved, and blew a kiss. Her mother turned to walk toward the terminal.
Chapter Twenty Six
Jenessa smiled at Dani and Rebecca as she entered the salon. Chandra waved from her desk. Music wafted down from the new overhead speakers, a
nd a light smell of cinnamon and linen floated past Jenessa out the door. Months ago it would have sent her running to the bathroom, but today she appreciated being alive to smell it. What a difference a year made.
“I have the private salon ready for y’all,” Chandra said.
“Thanks, hon, you’re a doll.” Dani smiled.
Rebecca trembled, just a little, as Dani wrapped her hair in a towel. Dani placed Becca’s hand on the back of the towel. “Let’s go chic. We have a lot to talk about.”
“I’m sure,” Becca said as she held the towel in place. Her mind whirled as she imagined what news Dani and Jenessa had to give to her. Each train of thought would halt mid way down the track. She was without a clue.
Jenessa followed the ladies into the private salon. Becca sat down in the stylist chair. Danielle turned the massage chair with foot spa attached heat on for Jenessa.
“What is the big news?” Becca shivered again.
“We’re introducing a special line of products for women who have survived breast cancer but have elected not to have reconstructive surgery, or have had complications resulting in having the implants removed.” Jenessa said.
“Huh?” Becca tried to turn around, but Dani cleared her throat. “I thought you had your breasts replaced as soon as they took out the bad ones. I mean isn’t that the only way you can do it?”
“No. It really depends on the cancer. Some women don’t even have to have their breast removed at all. They remove the cancer, and after chemo, they go on with their lives.” Dani sprayed finishing spray on Rebecca’s hair and picked up her comb.
“So what have you developed?” Becca turned to look at Jenessa in the swivel chair while Dani changed instruments.
“We want to do scar appliqués.” Jenessa smiled.
“What about the women who did like their implants? They may need special stuff. This sounds kind of biased, guys.” Becca looked up at Dani.
“There are plenty of companies for women who need camisoles, bras with inserts and all other kinds of stuff to make you look like you did before.” Dani combed out the section of Becca’s hair she completed. “What about women like me who are going to have to reveal this new body to my hubby? Unless he is a virgin I’m going to be the first woman without breasts he’ll have been with.”
“Wait a minute Dani, you have breasts! Are you telling me you’re wearing falsies right now?” Becca stared at Danielle and then Jenessa’s chest.
“They’re called implants and yes. I wear camisoles with implant shelves. The only time I don’t worry about it is when I’m riding my bike.” Becca looked at Jenessa and nodded. “Are you going to do wigs and weaves for your company?”
“No, there are enough people who do that already so we’re focusing on building packages that will help people through the process, and give them more information about what their options are; it will also give information on how to adjust spiritually, emotionally and physically to their new bodies,” Jenessa said. “My true essence is not locked into my hair color, length, or texture, and it is definitely not dictated by the measurements on my body. Dani and I have talked a lot about the impact on self esteem and image this disease has. I don’t know how she copes with losing the option to breast feed her children.”
“You were right, Becca, even if you weren’t able to see it in your situation with Colby at the time, what you said made sense. The more I ran from the treatment, from my diagnosis the more I knew you were right, but I just couldn’t imagine life without the twins.” Dani wiped a pretend tear from her cheek and pouted.
“What twins? You had a vision of your children or something?” Becca chuckled and shook her head.
“No, my boobs. They were a set. If I hadn’t had such an aggressive and progressed case maybe I could’ve saved them. Even though I didn’t, I’m still going to make someone an amazing wife and mother.” Dani smiled at Jenessa. “Because my true essence is beyond the bend of my hips, and the swell of my womb, with or without hair, breasts and physical beauty, God is absolutely crazy about me, and I insult him when I don’t agree.”
A rat tailed comb stuck straight up, out of Becca’s hair as she stood up. She pulled Dani and Jenessa into a bear hug. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “I couldn’t have said it better myself…wait a minute I think I did. You’re very wise, my event and wisdom stealing friends.”
“You are as wise as we are. You finally went home, and started treating that man right. I’m glad too because I was starting to think something was off with your essence.” Jenessa tossed a foam toe separator at Becca who ducked.
All three women laughed as Dani picked it up from the floor, and placed it in the trash can.
“I’m not saying I don’t cry, and think about what I may have given up by opting for the surgery. I do. But I’m trusting and leaning on God to help me through this all, even the fact that despite all I’ve given up, the cancer could still come back. I have a full understanding of my true essence. Now I have to master learning to love this new body, the way I did the old one. That could take months.” Dani chuckled.
“Girl please embracing the new me could take years. I don’t miss the back pain from my breast, but I definitely never anticipated being a member of the ITBC.” Jenessa chuckled. “Shoot, truth be told, I have decided to look at this whole situation as a blessing, because it forced me to find out the true essence of what makes me lovable; some women never learn that. Men either for that matter.”
“What is the name of your company?” Becca said.
“It’s not a company because neither of us is quitting our day jobs. It’s a foundation called Embracing My Self Now.” Dani combed through Becca’s hair. “Of course we are going to need help marketing and stuff.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll check with Colby first, but I think I should be able to help with that.” Becca said.
Jenessa raised her eyebrow and smiled at Dani.
“What I’m learning, too!” Becca stuck her tongue out as Jenessa and Dani shook their heads and laughed.
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What happened with Dani, Becca and Jenessa? Go to www.shawneda.com and click the contact button to sign up to receive notification when the sequel Embracing Myself Now will be available.
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I dedicate this story to the memory of the two women in Gannt family who lost their lives much too early to breast cancer. Your love is still felt in the lives of your descendants.
Acknowledgements and Thanks
First and foremost I give all the glory to God for the gift of storytelling. To my husband Paul, I thank God for bringing us together every day. Your support enables me to live on purpose. Leleangel, you inspire me to want to be the best woman I can be. My prayer is to teach you to do as I do and not just as I say. Thank you for loving and praying for Mommie. Ms. Zenda Duren, you’re love for literacy and children have endeared you to me for life. I’ll never forget how God answered my prayers in providing a safe, loving Christian environment for my most precious gift. For all of my family, friends, Spelman sistahs and peers your help, feedback and camaraderie are priceless, you know how important you are to me please insert your name . . (I would love to name you all but I have to get started on the next book and don’t want to forget anyone.)
To all of the readers, I pray God had something special for you between these lines. If He did tell a friend, your church, book club, sororities, fraternities, civic organizations any and everyone you know loves to read and enjoys ebooks. It is my pleasure to connect via Skype, ooVoo, and other technology. I would love to discuss this and any of my other books with you. Feel free to connect one on one with me online:
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